A couple other random things would be compliments on my decorating skills and my bow- making skills. I decided interior decorating was actually not for me but I still have a good eye apparently, and I don't think bow-making alone is a career...
I used to enjoy, and think I was pretty good at, several things: playing the piano, making cards, baking, being a Dietitian, loving God, being a good friend, making good grades, running, being healthy, etc.
Slowly, probably over the last couple of years, my confidence has been chipped away, my emotional and psychological well-being are near empty, and I don't know what I do well.
The cute decorations around my house and my bows for decorations were the last, genuinely sweet compliments I remember.
I try really hard, probably too hard. I try and clean the house, I try to look good, I try to make dinner, I try to look good in a ball gown while making dinner, I try to work a full-time job, I try to workout, I try and do things with friends, I try to be a good daughter-in-law, I try to be a good wife, ... If I had kids or pets, I'd be trying to be the best Mom or the best Mom (some you got that). In short, I'm striving and it's getting me nowhere but burnt out.
It hit me tonight, though, that just a few short years ago, like three or four, I was so different and so much happier and carefree. I was not like the person I am today. I didn't care what people thought. I had goals and I was going to reach them. I thought I could make a difference being a Dietitian. I was positive and didn't complain. I had a "fun job" and better mental health.
I used to bake a lot and now I hardly do. I used to write out a zillion goals and now I don't have any. I used to be positive and now it's really hard to be. I used to like my job and now I'm crying when I go to work. I used to not be scared about health issues but now I am almost debilitated by them. I used to bring joy to others but now I don't know. I used to have so much going on with things to do and now it's too quiet and still. I used to do things with friends or at least talk with them and now relationships are strained.
What happened? What am doing?
I think a huge difference is that my spiritual life has waned and I am not getting needs met. I'm focusing on problems and not God, like Peter walking on the water ...and then not walking on the water, ha! I do enjoy trying to equate what I'm going through with something from the Bible and that story fits!
In some ways, I realize how much I want others to tell me I'm doing a good job and to tell me what I'm good at. However, I'm getting the opposite from my boss. There's nothing good enough for my boss and I'll likely never do anything right or well on the job. The storms of life are really hitting.
I just can't accept it, because I want to do well and I want to do the right thing and I want to excel and I want to like my job and I want these things for my work life... Heck, I want things to be great in all areas of my life!
My Dad will still say that he's proud of me no matter what and thankfully he has said that because I have him saying it in my head on repeat right now. "You know I'm proud of you" or "You're Mother and I are proud of you" and always ending with I love you.
Then there's my Mom who says she prays for me everyday and now my husband who tells me to be resilient.
I just need words. And encouragement.
I think of the time I was in Army training school and the head people really did not like me. At all. For no reason. But thankfully I had people I didn't even know that well come along beside me and tell me they'd help me (and they did) and tell me to ignore the head people because they were wrong, among other choice words. By the end, the head people put me in a position to fail and fail big in front of everyone. And yet, God gave me a brilliant idea that eventually helped me win -- I gave everyone a spirit animal.
The bad part of that scenario, of being so broken and sad, has definitely been this past year's theme. It's definitely been too long.
I pray for God's "win" again. Soon.
