Monday, November 13, 2017

When

Yesterday, one of the sweetest things happen!  My friend from church has an eight-year-old girl, who I've had the privilege of co-coaching soccer.  When she saw me at church, she waved and then ran and jumped in my arms for a hug.  It was such a pleasant surprise.  Seriously, melt my heart moment. 

Then, during worship, she came up to me.  I thought something was wrong so I asked where her parents were and who she was sitting with.  She said her Mom was singing and pointed saying, "I'm sitting over there with Dad."  She then said she just wanted to come give me a hug and say hi, again.  I felt so loved.

I told her Mom about it after the service and she just said about her daughter, "Yeah, she has a big heart."

It's true.  The sweet gestures reminded me of how innocent kids are and how faith is hopefully more easy for them.  And the fact that I want to go back to being a kid, but really, to just have child-like faith.  Faith that God's got me and everything is okay. 

Easier said than done sometimes, especially (and all the more reason to have faith!) when life is hard, when you get hurt, when you feel lonely, when you don't feel well, when you feel literally crazy, when you don't know what to do or say, when you don't know what you're doing, when you want to retaliate, when things feel unfair, when you want to believe and trust God, when it all feels too much.

In perfect timing, (though let's be real, I didn't really want to hear it from my Mom), I read in my devotional, based on Matthew 5:38-42, the following:

"In other words, don’t trade eyes for eyes, giving like for like; instead, take the exchange out entirely: Give and turn, then let go.  Jesus is essentially telling us to turn our palms up, shoulder the weight we’re not meant to carry, and walk on, going with them for an extra mile.  We ought to out-give, out-do, out-serve, and in doing so, bring honor and glory to Him."

"We’ve all felt like the doormat, felt the rub of dirty feet across our backs, a by-way for others to step over in their entrance to the feast.  But then I think of sweet Jesus, lifting the feet of the disciples—dirty, sore, broken, smelly feet—and washing them with His own hands.  The Savior of the world holding the feet of users and walkers and blind men who thought they could see, and washing them, making them clean."

So, in the midst of life with all it's ups and downs, I find it challenging to "out-give, out-do, out-serve," to not be selfish, and to hear and swallow the words of 1 Corinthians 13 about love, among other things.  Yet I know it is right and will "bring honor and glory to Him."  Therefore, I pray to receive what was shown to me through my little friend -- child-like faith and love -- in order to then show all others what was ultimately given to me -- forgiveness of sins through Christ.


Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Eat Well, Travel Often. But Really, Just PRAY!

I read two daily devotionals today because, well, sometimes you just need an extra dose of the truth.

When this happens, it is usually because I like reading my little devotionals!  I see the title of the next one and just want to keep going.  I'm currently reading about hymns and just love it.  All of them I've sung before, some many times.  Yet, reading them instead of singing them right now brings out more beauty.  Though, I have sung a couple out loud in the privacy of my own home, ha!  Hymns just hold so much truth in their stanzas and it is so refreshing.

I need their God-given truths right now.  I need to be refreshed, to renew my mind. 

Life is hard, mixed with sweet.  There's the comparison game.  There's expectations that others won't meet.  For crying out loud, there's not meeting your OWN expectations.  There's the feeling of failure before you even start.  There's being blown away by another's generosity.  There's a time when your body questions your judgment and times when it simply hates you.   There's the joy of friendship.  There's the sadness of saying goodbye.  There's deep pain in struggling with sin and letting go.  There's a tear shed for seemingly no reason.  There's the feeling of being overwhelmed.   There's a moment of clarity that vanishes.  Then there's a longing to get that clarity back.  There's a lot of "WHAT?!" moments and feelings.  There's sweet memories that sweep across your mind.  And thankfully, there's much needed rest and assurance. 

I won't go into too much detail on things because it's not necessary.  We all have our own situations in which we could fill in the blanks from the above statements.  

I will say that I did not do so hot on a race but I'm glad my friend was there; we are always there for each other.  I talked to my Dad and cried; talked to my boyfriend and got frustrated; and talked to my friends and laughed.  My body is recovering from the race on top of other ailments.  I chatted with my Mom and was reminded of the anniversary of my brother's death, for which I always seem to remember on the day of his funeral because that is slightly more vivid, I suppose.  Needless to say, it has been a rollercoaster and I'm a bit burnt.

I hope today and the next week or so affords me some of the rest I need and the ability to get away from reality to reassess, even for a little bit.  I know the assurance has already started to seep in through reading Scripture as well as about the hymns "Holy, Holy, Holy" and "Take My Life and Let It Be." 

If you haven't read or sung those, I encourage you to do so.  I also encourage you to read the Bible. Words of life :)

I'm making my way to Africa tomorrow to work with the Adera Foundation.  With everything going on, I haven't even stopped to really think about it.  I'm excited and a smidge nervous but I actually really feel inadequate and unprepared.  

Maybe that's exactly where I need to be… Fully hanging on to God because I know I can't do anything apart from Him, that He supplies all my needs, that He will never fail me, that He will work all things out for my good because I love Him, and that He will give me rest.  Furthermore, He is holy and patient, merciful and kind, giving and gracious.  And so much more!  While here I am saying take my life -- the good, bad, and ugly -- and I will be "ever, only, all for thee."

The struggle is real.  But I am not alone.  You are not alone. 

P.S.  More to come about Africa!


Saturday, September 23, 2017

Perfectly in Control

"Boy! Today is at a whole new level of "What is happening?!"  I do not have it all together.  At all.  I don't know where my car keys are!!  I borrowed my landlord's vehicle to get to work but don't have my ID (it's in my car) so can't log on to the computer.  Ugh.  It's just so self-defeating.  Like why don't I have it together?!"

I texted all the above to a good friend one day.  Then in the next few days, I personally dug a little deeper.

My devotional app series was pointing towards a little lesson to learn, which  coincided with my external circumstances (i.e. the above of losing my car keys).  It's funny how the little things can stop and make you think.  It's also probably very good so that God doesn't have to use a big thing get my attention but only on occasion.

Life events lately have enabled me to see, yet again, that I am not perfect, I am not in control.  And I need help.  

It's not like it's fun.  It is necessary, however.  I get so wrapped up and distracted with what I'm doing during the day, how I feel (whether good or bad), or what I have to do the next day that I don't pay much attention to God.  I don't let him take off some of the burden, all of the burden.  But He promises to do so.

The fact donned on me that this reflects me having to daily pick up my cross and follow Him.  It is a daily dying to oneself and looking to God instead, not just a once a week thing or once-in-a-lifetime thing.

I was reassured that God is in control, and that I am most definitely not perfect and don't have it all together all the time.  And still, it will be okay.  

I just like how life lessons coincide with different Scriptures or devotionals that I read.  This actually happens a lot when I think about it!  For instance, I'm going through a mini devotional series on hymns and the one I read the day after losing my keys was about "It is Well with My Soul."  Now, this hymn was written in a much dire situation, so I know life will be just fine after losing just some car keys!  Yet, I know that God cares about the little things and will gently show me what I need to learn. 

I still like to speculate that something is wrong with me (like maybe I have another sinus infection and it's messing with my head!) because I've been so forgetful lately.  Might be legitimate, might be an excuse.  Nonetheless, I am reminded to rely on God; that though I'm not perfect right now on earth, He sent his perfect Son to die for me so that I could be perfect and blameless when I come before Him; and that I can relax since he is in control and has the plan and won't let me go astray.


Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Workout Buddy

Despite witnessing the awesome eclipse with my free glasses (I can't believe people were selling them for so much money!  Or that people were buying them!!), today was a sad day.  Actually, I thought yesterday was a sad day but today proved slightly more so.

My friend had to leave :(  I knew it was coming, but it still came too quickly.  She has gone back to the other side of the state to finish school, so it is legit.  It just leaves me without a workout buddy, weekend activity buddy, or come-by-my-office-to-pass-the-time buddy.  

There's almost no other way to say it: God knows who you need and when!  I definitely needed her as a friend and confidant, a "let's go do this!" go-to gal and someone to graciously listen to me process life -- a lot about relationships and the agonizingly long process of getting into work mode at the new job. 

We immediately hit it off talking about exercising and hiking during orientation.  It's like we were inseparable after.  And we had a lot of fun!

She got me on target for lifting weights for specific muscle groups on different days, since she's been doing it a while.  Boy, am I grateful!  It was the kick in the pants that I needed, as I was thinking about getting a personal trainer.  Well, she definitely became that, and kept me on track!

Workout buddy:  That's working biceps.  We're not doing those today.
Me, slightly whiny:  I know… but I like this one (i.e. exercise). 
Workout buddy:  Nope.  Stop.  Do this. 

We laughed.  A lot.  When you start seeing the same people over and over at the fitness center, you get some inside jokes.  Especially if there are grunters in the room.  Haha!  Life should be fun, you know? :)

We had our "bury/muffle your laughter" moments and our serious moments.  I mean, we both got a good workout in every time it seems, and hard work pays off.  So, I am looking forward to continuing what we started in the fitness center, yet the more serious happenings went down on our hikes and at work.

It was easy to talk about life -- past, present, and future.  We discussed every topic, like flaws and struggles and where we were going and what we wanted.  We definitely talked about our love of food and enjoyed the outdoors and ice cream days together. 

She is smarter, more beautiful, younger, more fit (abs, baby!), more sarcastic, stronger, way more tough, faster, wiser.  She has it together, and she gets all the guys.  All of them.  Need I say more?  She has a fantasticly bright future ahead!  I hope I grow up to be like her :)

She is already missed.  Saying goodbye yesterday and then working out alone today on top of having no visit at work when it was slow was rough.  Thankfully, I count her as a good friend and will visit as soon as possible and pray she comes back as soon as possible after finishing nursing school strong!


Tuesday, August 15, 2017

That Dating Game

First off, I don't think dating is a game.  It sure does feel like it is a lot of the time, though!  Second of all, sometimes it is fun and sometimes it is not.  Thirdly, despite all the stickiness, there is a lot of goodness mixed into dating, and I'm grateful to be able to choose who "my guy" will be.

Up to this point in life in this area, it's like I can never win.  I'm not going to be the king (or in my case, the queen) winning and saying checkmate by finding the right space, making the right move(s), or having the right strategy.  It seems I'll constantly be the little pawn moving only one space at a time that's overlooked and brushed aside. 

Dramatic, I know.  Sometimes that's how it feels, while other times I could care less about dating and marriage and could just enjoy the single life for forever!  I've just never wanted to date just to date, and there are several other factors.  Still, a lot of times, it's frustrating.  I stick to my prayer of "right guy, right time," and I have my standards, my list of must-haves and preferences, my deal breakers.  I've had to say no to guys because there's always a catch, whether on my end or theirs.  I keep hearing myself saying, "He's great BUT... (insert reason as to why we're not dating)".  

You don't love Jesus?  You're out. 
Oh.  So you don't actually want to date me?  Bye. 
You're kind of a jerk.  Deuces. 
All you want is the physical aspect of a relationship?  Nope.  Don't waste my time. 
This date felt like your personal info session with a Dietitian.  Congrats and see ya!

It's all happened.  There has even been a guy who checked off everything on my list!  Like everything.  Definitely the important, big deal stuff.  I couldn't believe it.  But that "but" creeped in, as usual.  I couldn't have ever predicted it when making that list so long ago.  I guess I thought once I met a guy who matched my list then it was meant to be and we'd live happily ever after or something.  Nope.  Why?  I'll likely never know the real reason and that's okay, just chalk it up to he's not the right guy for me after all.  I mean, there's still the other person who also has a list.  Haha! 

Needless to say, I felt like it was a cruel joke by God.  I basically tried to throw my list out the window.  Now that I'm in a new place, I figure I can start fresh and, in some definite frustration from the past, I joined an online dating site.

I am not a fan.  Sure, you set your parameters and whatnot but it's still work, still saying no to a lot of guys who you don't even know why they popped up, and still questioning the process.  I feel like I got on quickly and got off even more quickly.  

I am dating now, however.  That's slightly weird to write.  Ha!  He's a guy from the Air Force base and a good one -- chivalrous, thoughtful, good values, protective, really likes me, sweet, a leader, etc.  (No, he's not a pilot).  Being with him is fun, challenging and growing in many ways, and a different way to learn more about myself.  I'm obviously learning about "my guy" as well.  

I got all bug-eyed and quasi second-guessing when we talked about sports and the Olympics one time, for example.  He doesn't really go out of his way to watch either, as in he isn't too big a fan and doesn't have a team to root for or an event to get excited about.  I don't think I've met a guy like this before and definitely not one I'm technically dating.  I literally said, "Who are you?!" half joking, hall dead serious and wondered if we were too different (this is not the first or dare I say the last thing we differ on!).  On the one hand, I can understand since I'm a fan but not a crazy fan, like I'll watch OU and love it but if I happen to miss a game, it's not the end of the world, and I don't know every stat or player that ever was.  On the other hand, I don't understand at all since sports was such a bonding experience for me with family and friends.  I'd go to all the OU sports games with friends, my family still texts during OU football games about all the plays and TD celebrations, and I vividly and lovingly remember watching sports and the Olympics with my brother growing up.   How will he survive in this world?! 

He says he'll watch an OU game with me, so we shall see.  Maybe I become a crazy fan in his mind and then he'll be the one saying, "Who are you?!" 

No matter what, I want to glorify God and continue to take things one day at a time while asking Him to give me discernment, grace, wisdom, kindness, and all that I need.  Which of course includes who I need to be with. 


Cold Turkey Changes

I'm a black and white, yes or no kind of girl.  I don't like the in between, the ambiguous, or the grey area.  This is especially true if it deals with romance.  However, I realized some other areas in life that I've become lax on recently.  I've let them slip into the space in which I unconsciously label and say, "Well, it's okay to do or not do ______ this time..."  

But it's not. 

You just have to call it like it is.  You gotta call yourself out on your own shortcomings sometimes.  And know,  if someone really cares about you, they will call you out (so you are aware of what needs to change). 

Really, I feel like it's more the Lord's conviction, especially as I am reading His Word.  That is definitely one area that has changed.  I know I should renew my mind with the Bible and I do and I'm still not perfect at it (nor will I ever be!), but it was one of those things I didn't put as a high on the priority list all the time.  Of course, I know I love Jesus and he loves me.  Praise God!  I know I should read my Bible consistently and I try.  Still, I knew I wasn't making it a "must do this every day without excuse" kinda thing like other stuff in life. 

I wasn't getting out of bed, like what?, 10 minutes early so I could be in the Word.  It can be as simple as that, I think.  I finally put my foot down and decided that that needed to change, I needed to change.  I know when I start my day out with God, it is a zillion times better.  Knowing and doing are two different things, of course.  So, I made the decision to make a change in this area and it has been really, really good!

This change is nothing crazy.  I mean, I'm not trying to quit drugs cold turkey or anything super difficult like that.  However, any schedule or behavior change is difficult at first.  I just know that if I hold other people to this standard of change for self improvement or whatever but don't do it myself, I am a hypocrite.  For example, I told my potential world travel buddy that I wanted to start each day with prayer.  It's a practice I already try to do but I would still like to be more intentional right now, to already be practicing what I want to do.  I think this concept of starting something in the present that you want to be doing in the future can be applied to anything.  If you want something, you have to plan for it or schedule time for it or implement things to reach it.  So, if you have a goal but aren't doing anything to reach it, rethink your life.

In a sense, I cold turkey started being way more intentional with my morning time with God.  I know only good things are coming from doing so, and I've already received benefits! 

Another area was my debate of getting an exercise certification and getting into shape with a legit exercise plan.  I know why I haven't gotten the certificate yet and it's kind of some silly reasons, like I want all the hours to count as continuing education and I don't to take the time to study now.  Like I said, kinda lame. For the exercise plan, it was really getting motivation to get back into the gym or to hire a personal trainer.

As I thought more about it, it just makes sense.  I should've gotten the certificate a long time ago, probably right out of college.  It's never too late, right?  Plus, I already work out basically every day so I might as well lead a class and get paid for it, right?!

So, If you haven't guessed yet, I've decided to pursue it.  I'll probably start with a cycling certification and then maybe a group exercise certification.  I'll see where I go from there and what happens! 

The exercise plan worked itself out.  Don't you just love that?!  I met a young lady one of the first days at my job and she has turned into a really good friend!  We go to the gym basically every day together and work out specific muscle groups.  It is great.  We get along well, she challenges me, and I feel like we each get in a good workout.  I will definitely hate to see her go but a good routine and a good friendship has been formed :)

I cold turkey decided to change things up!  I think good things will come from thinking "determination defeats distraction" and just putting my foot down and going for things.  Goals will be reached.

Lastly, I'm making an effort.  This is an overall sort of effort, as I think can be seen from the above examples.  Though, the twist comes with relationships and not getting hurt when others make no effort or giving up on someone when you don't understand. 

Do you ever feel like you do a lot in relationships and the other person doesn't?  I'm the type who will drive 6 hours round-trip to spend about an hour with a friend whom I haven't seen in years.  Yeah, no one has ever done that for me.  And yet, for whatever crazy reason, I will still do it.  

I think you should just love people. I think you should treat others how you want to be treated.

Then I ran into the debacle of being a judger.  Yep, that's right.  I am a hard-core judger (think Myers-brig personality types).  So, I run into problems and overthink things. 

I literally sent this to a friend a while back:
Not everyone will have a conversion story like mine, I get it.  It's still hard for me to meet people who say they believe, have a relationship with God, or whatever phrase is used, but don't live like I think they should (basically, super moral and going to church --outward things you see) or describe their faith with key words like "Jesus is Savior" "I repent(ed) of sins" "I love Jesus" etc.  I wonder if they truly understand the gospel, mainly.  I know God judges and sees the heart.  I also know someone will be known by their fruit.  It's hard not to judge or, on the other hand, to give a chance/grace but not be foolish/fooled. 

Needless to say, we all have our pitfalls and ugliness.  This is one of mine.  And I am trying kinda cold turkey to be gracious yet discerning -- most definitely with the Lord's help.

Overall, quite a bit has changed.  Not only what has already been mentioned, but other things that come to mind would be bed time and not having my phone on me during the day and bed time.  I am a night owl, but I also to get up early.  What. A.  Drag.  Enter the need for an early bed time (as I yawn while writing this).  It is necessary, but the phone is not.  My phone is just a distraction and was a source of slight anxiety, so why let it be?  There's never an emergency and I'll return someone's  message when I can, so not at all necessary to have it 24/7.  Gone and glad.  

Amidst all these positive changes comes a change of mindset, for sure.  This is key.  Likely the key.  However, I believe God is really the one making the changes, whether cold turkey or not, by seeing the changes that need to happen, placing me in a position to change, and allowing me to do so by His grace.  

"Praise God from whom all blessings flow..."

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Feeling Poopy

Ever so often I get sick and feel poopy.  It's not that frequent, thankfully, but it stinks. 

For my current illness, I'm fluctuating between needing to poop and feeling as though there's nothing in me to poop.  We've all been there.  Curses!  

I mean, c'mon!  We all know you feel better after you poop or vomit, say, but neither is coming.  It's like one of the few times you're okay with either coming no matter how terrible it may be because afterwards you'll feel a little less poopy.  It's like you're saying or possibly screaming, "Just get out of me!  And let me feel better."  This was my life last night and today, likely due to eating some bad food. 

Along with my pooping dilemma, I'm fluctuating between being hot and cold.  Yes, a fever.  It was at its height last night, and I thought I was okay at different points during the day today. 

However, feeling poopy will play a gotcha game.  Just today, I caught myself saying, "If I'm too sick to go to church then I'm too sick to go hike with my friend."  Boo.  But true. 

I don't remember getting sick that much while growing up, yet I do remember that if you were sick, you weren't doing anything else.  As in, you didn't get to play sick and stay home from school or play sick to get out of something you didn't want to do but then turn around and "feel better" like a miracle had happened so you could do something you did want to do. 

A few other things that also haven't changed when feeling poopy would be the need to rest, which is hard for me, and the need for some love, which is where Mom would sweep in and save the day. 

No Mom today or hardly ever in my adult life, but I know she'd be here if she could.  Now others have taken her place.  Really, it's just nice of others to get me things, offer to do anything for me, or just chill with me.  I'm very appreciative.  

I'm feeling less poopy.  Praise God.  Because another thing about adult life that's poop is the fact that you still have to go to work the next day. 

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Long Weekend, Big Reveals

You know how some holidays look seemingly the same?  Thanksgiving has the family gathering at my grandparents, too much food, lots of laughs, and a nice time to catch up on what everyone is doing.  Christmas just adds gift giving.  Fourth of July, though, is always different.  

Last year I was in SD and went to Mount Rushmore on the 4th with my twinny.  The year before that I was chilling in FW with cool kids.  As a kid, my family would watch firework shows from roof buildings or, when really young, shoot our own off at my Uncle's.  My most favorite 4th is hands down the time I was in Washington D.C. with my parents and friends standing in the Mall, watching the fireworks explode overhead so brilliantly and so closely; it was as if you reached up, you could touch them!

Some years are more memorable than others, for sure.  I think this year will be memorable because of the days leading up to the 4th, not the day itself, ironically. 

It ended up being a long weekend (and now a short work week, hallelujah!) due to a "down day" at my current job.  As it would turn out, I would have 3 or so options: I had an invite by a guy I met to do local stuff, I had the kinda last minute idea to go all the way over to Yellowstone/Grand Teton because it's so pretty, or I had the invite to go explore ND with a brand new friend.  All good, fun options!  I would not be bored or alone, yay!

As it turns out, I asked another new friend what he had going on to make small talk, if I remember correctly.  I mentioned my Yellowstone idea since the long weekend gave ample time and didn't know if that would happen again this summer.  He got excited because he had never been but wanted to go.  Decision made.  We were going to Yellowstone!   

Last minute planning ensued.  It was then that my brand new friend swung by my office, introduced herself, and invited me to ND.  I mentioned the current plan of Yellowstone and said she was welcome to join.  She got excited because that was her first idea since she's engaged and wanted to look at venues but found lodging too expensive or already booked.  Decision made.  The three of us were going to Yellowstone!

Although I've never had this happen exactly for travel buddies and we really only knew each other by name in the clinic we share as a work place, we got along swimmingly.  We enjoyed each other and the parks.  We saved money, took turns driving, had no drama, laughed and sang songs, and got to do what we wanted.  It was wonderful. 

I also gleaned some important stuff: 

1) This is life.  Go with it.  You'll love it.
 
It seemed slightly odd at first how the three of us got together.  Then again, it doesn't seem that way at all.  I have my stable friends that I love dearly but they're definitely not all around to do things with nor are they able to join the party.  I know this.  It stinks and I can't do anything about it, but I'm still going to do the things I love!  

Thanks be to God, I have "the best personality" so I'll make friends, no matter how short-lived.  I think this was sorta in the three of ours blood seeing as how we're all military.  Things change all the time!  People move, deploy, get out, retire, etc. so you just gotta enjoy the people you're around while they're around.  So, yeah, go on nice, long weekend adventures with new friends. 

2) Actions speak loudly.  Listen to what you and others are saying. 

I like to be quiet and/or be alone to talk to God, sift through thoughts and feelings, and make decisions.  Hiking is a good time for this.  I was out in the gloriously beautiful, natural surroundings looking at a moose in Moose Ponds (but of course!), running my fingers through tall grasses and flowers as butterflies flitter in the air with grace right in front of me (cue Sound of Music), soaking in the sun's rays at a spectacular point of interest (or really, "inspiration point") after a magnificent waterfall, gleefully trying to feed a tomato to a chipmunk (I know, don't feed the wildlife... I typically don't; he was just too cute!), flabbergastedly observing the vibrant, prismatic colors of the hot springs (So incredible! How did I not see them on my first visit?!), or trying to fully take in the majestic-ness of the mountains looming so elegantly in the not too far off distance (They called for me to climb them someday).  I wanted everything hiking and nature had to offer and got it.  

I also said I wanted to unplug and got it.  However, once I got it, I realized I didn't really, really want it.  My phone was on the fritz and I couldn't do much with it.  Limited communication, for sure.  Ugh.  What if I missed something?!  Come to find out, I didn't.  Haha!  Silly, Jessie.   Service came back and, it's true, if people want to talk to you, they will.  This is what others are saying. 

Furthermore, I wanted clarity on a few personal things and got it.  One being what will come in the future, which I've decided not to be anxious about since A) God is in control, B) what I think will happen more than likely won't and C) I have more important things to do with my present in order to reach my goals.  The second clarification was with dating.  Sometimes I just have to laugh and say wow ...and see where my heart really is!  Although, it's true, the heart is deceitful, so I'm going with my gut.  This is what I'm saying. 

3) Reading helps your soul.  And that heart of yours. 

After reflection outdoors as stated above and after reading my Bible and "You Are a Badass" by Jen Sincero, I knew taking the time for all these things was no mistake and would literally do me wonders.  Being outside and reading my Bible typically have immediate results of a new mindset, restfulness, a calm, an uplifted spirit, guidance, and more.  The brightly covered book I picked up and devoured will prove beneficial now and in time.  

That book pretty much put my butt in gear!  Pun intended with the title ;)  I am so motivated to do stuff!  I mean, I have big goals to reach!!  I'm going to embrace where I am, who I am, and where I want to be.  I know I'm not there right now and there's a lot to change but I'm motivated, I've decided.  

Want to travel the world?  Yes!  I'm going to make money and use it responsibly and as a good tool while sticking to my budget and planning the darn thing!  
Want to make more money?  Yes!  I'm going to explore new and different avenues (more to come) of interest to help my dream come to fruition.
Want to get past your past?  Yes!  Dig through the mess to find the root cause and get rid of it.  My mind will be renewed by Christ.  
Want to get the things you want?  Yes!  Write them down, get a plan of action, pay for professional help, mix with people you want to be like, have a mentor and/or role-model, LOVE YOURSELF, and maybe most importantly MAKE A DECISION to accomplish my goals absolutely no matter what!!

In the end, this 4th of July got me breaking out of the usual and into living life, into what I anticipate being crazy awesome.


Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Integrity

I scream!  You scream!  We all scream for.....

Integrity!!  Right?  

No??  Why not?

I think we as a society strive for so many great things and characteristics but integrity doesn't always make the list. 

According to the dictionary, integrity is defined as
1) adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
2) The state of being whole, entire, or undiminished.

While listening to a sermon, the pastor said integrity was "consistent truthfulness in all situations."  I like both definitions.  Though, I liked the sermon simply for the reason that for quite some time now I have been trying to pinpoint my thought or word exactly on the issue of inconsistency in people.  All I could think of was there are so many inconsistent people in numerous settings.  Then when he spoke about integrity, I could agree that that was a more appropriate label. 

But what really got me was him saying integrity must be kept up, it is a gift, and people are not overly concerned about losing it. 

For myself, I don't exactly struggle with integrity issues, thankfully.  I'm open and honest (or at least definitely strive hard to be!) and that's a huge part of integrity, in my opinion.  I try hard to make sure my yes is a yes and my no is a no.  I like things to be clear and unambiguous, so might jump the gun on things and not let them play out (but that's another blog post!).  I also don't volunteer information but if you ask me a question, I will honestly answer you.  These are ways I maintain integrity. 

There are several examples from life I could put here.  A couple that come to mind are online dating and a question a guy friend asked.  I think I don't like online dating because you have to assume people are talking to multiple people at once.  Ugh.  First, this goes against my thinking that you should be with one person and/or being honest about who you're talking to.  Second, there's too many choices so some people keep looking and looking and looking for a "better" option, which is a whole other problem (and blog topic).  Third, I'd much, much rather talk to and get to know just one guy, the guy I actually really like, and not waste time on others.  Anyway, this "dating" situation makes me uneasy, though maybe it's me and it just takes time (to get off a site/app, ha!).  Then there was my guy friend who asked my age range for dating.  It went with the conversation at hand so wasn't totally out of the blue, but I hesitated a tiny bit before answering.  I even told him I hardly tell my girlfriends what he wanted to know!  But he asked, so I answered.  No harm done and he's likely forgotten anyway!

So, some situations and questions I've encountered made me feel uneasy or awkward or worse, but stating the need-to-knows and most definitely the TRUTH is always the best choice no matter what.  Yes, no matter what.  

It can be hard, yet this makes or breaks trust, which is the cornerstone of any relationship.  Keeping the other person in my life is what I want, even if I have to become humbled, embarrassed, forgiven for pride, or more to do so. 

I will say that not doing stuff that could or would cause loss of integrity or embarrassment is also very key.  If you don't lie, cheat, backstab or the like, or put yourself in situations where you might, then you're going to do yourself wonders in helping to maintain your integrity.  Put up blocks or check points if you struggle.  Treat others how you want to be treated.  Most important, listen to God and the people you trust.  God does have and those you love should have your best interest at heart. 

Interestingly, integrity actually came up as my number one strength in a fairly recent strengths and weaknesses test.  I wasn't surprised, on the one hand, because I consider myself a moral, honest, and consistent person, but I thought it was lame.  However, I don't really think that anymore, seeing its influence in so much of my day-to-day life by how I view other people and interact with them.  And now, from the sermon, I can understand why people do struggle with keeping theirs.  Though, I am absolutely nowhere near perfect in this area, much less any other!  So, I'm still right there with ya.  As the pastor said, "integrity doesn't require perfection but it does require commitment and consistency."

I've come to grips that some people are consistent in ways I dislike.  For instance, I have a few dear friends who will not text back in a timely manner.  Response time is erratic, typically taking a day.  More times than not, they get back to me but they're consistent on being late, in my opinion.  Ha!  Then there are the friends on the opposite side of the spectrum, which I much more appreciate.  They reply very promptly, typically within minutes.  Of course, I have those who fall in between and then still those who are one and then the other (i.e. very responsive and then fall off the face of the earth).  Honestly, I think doing so is exhausting and being consistent is much less exhausting.

Speaking of being exhausted, it will happen if you've lost integrity.  The pastor stated, "It never crosses your mind that 'if I do this then I will lose fill in the blank.'  No one puts in the blank integrity!  You may say, 'if I say or do this then I'll lose my marriage or my popularity or my whatever' but it's never 'I may lose my integrity.'"  And yet, we do.  Keep it though, and we have an incredible gift to give to others and/or pass on to family. 

To help avoid the bad, know and think on this: 
"Integrity vulnerability is if you overvalue other people's opinions OR if you undervalue the full truth OR if you overestimate what you can control on your own OR if you underestimate the consequences."

Monday, June 12, 2017

Have Faith

"Let your faith be bigger than your fear."

This quote hangs above my new bed and the faith part proved to be a good reminder today because...

It has begun.  The time it takes to unpack.  The time it takes to get settled at a new home and new job.  The time it takes to get to know new people.  

This is the same basically anywhere I go and the amount of time for each varies.  Thankfully, I've been here in SD before so I feel slightly at home and have my bearings.  I've also already done fun things with friends.  So, I'm not too worried about all the above but do want things to pan out quickly.  Ugh.  I can be impatient, for sure. 

I needed the faith reminder because...

It has begun.  The pull to be in OK and TX.  The feeling of being undatable or never finding the right guy.  The questioning thought, "Why am I here?!"

This also isn't entirely new.  It has just been heightened because I want to hug one of my best friends as she mourns the loss of her grandmother, there has been another great guy put on the "not interested" list, I want to say goodbye to a friend before she moves away, and I have high doubts anyone will visit since it hasn't happened in the past. 

The questioning thought is somewhat new, yet I don't seem to know why I'm anywhere I am until after I leave or after I meet a certain person.  I look back and can say, "That's why I was here, that's why God put me here."  Things like learning a life lesson, having a conversation with a patient or coworker about Christ, helping those around me as best I can, displaying Christ to a non-believer, being a friend, gaining forever friends, and so on.

Right now, all I can say is, for whatever reason, I'm supposed to be in SD.  I don't understand and I don't get it now, but I think this because I looked at a lot of jobs all over and applied to several.  This one worked, like all the other jobs I've had, and seemed a good fit.  It just made sense to me so I have some peace, just need renewed faith God knows exactly what's up, He has a plan. 

I recently told a friend the following: 
"Now, even though I may never get to hear your thoughts and feelings about religion/God/beliefs/hangups/etc, I know they're there.  They're there for me, too.  I'll just say that I think spiritually should be simple.  It is about a relationship with God, which is made possible by taking away our sins through the grace extended to us by the perfect sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ.  "For He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul He fills with good things."  Psalm 107:9 
So, I will continue to encourage you to seek the truth now.  You could open the Bible, read books, ask questions, be open, express doubt or unbelief.  God can handle it."

It's true!  I have to take my own advice, especially in light of my present situation. 

I have a faith; I know God cares.  Still, I have hangups and doubts.  Sometimes I don't believe that God is good.  Sometimes I don't believe that God will provide.  Sometimes I don't believe God has plan or, really, that He's going to share the plan with me.  

However, I choose to take things to God and keep doing what I can, to have faith.  Daily. 

Where there is fear of the unknown, have faith. 
Where there is stress, have faith.
Where there is sorrow or disappointment, have faith. 
Where there is hope or a dream, have faith. 
Where there is joy, have faith. 
Where there is peace, have faith. 
Where there is love, have faith.


Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Mind. Body. Spirit.

I was recently given a gift, and I gave a gift.  It's funny to me how the two intertwine, especially when they were quite separate.  The gift I was given was actually very unexpected but a big blessing, and I could only hope that the gift I gave was the same.  At the very least, I was super excited to give it -- it had an awesome theme, ha!

My car got fixed!  While it was sitting in Ohio, it was attempted to be broken into, so the lock was gone and the handlebar broken from the drivers door.  I drove to Iowa as I originally planned and left my car with friends.  By the time I had gotten back to pick up my car with half of my belongings in it, the husband surprised me by having fixed my door!  He kept saying there was no warrantee but I didn't care.  It was great. 

It's gifts like these that are unexpected but oh so nice!  It truly is better to give.  Now I don't have to worry about having my door unlocked (and my car or stuff actually taken) nor do I have to find a place to get it fixed at my next destination.  It's also these types of gifts that I feel like I don't know what to say or do in response.  I almost offered to pay for the parts but I ended up stopping myself and just accepting the gift.  He wanted to do it because he wanted to do it, and I should let him. 

His generosity, I feel, is two-fold: for one, it makes me appreciative and also makes me feel like doing something nice in the future for someone else, almost like paying it forward.  The other thing I gleaned from this is the fact that I did not deserve his generosity or ask him to do what he did for me, and yet he still did it.  It shows me that that is how God works.  If we got what we actually deserve or even what we actually ask for, it is sometimes not going to be good, not going to have a good result.  God knows this and because God loves us He doesn't give us what we ask for sometimes (but what we need) and He gave us the greatest gift of all, His Son.

As for the gift I gave, it's theme was this blog's title and had three separate gifts to represent each category along with a lot of words, haha!  It was fun to put together and I know it did not come from my little brain but from my little heart.  In the end, my friend didn't want to accept it.  His reasoning was easily disregarded in my book because he has no idea how much I spent on any of it.  That and there is another underlying reason from him that I'm also going to slightly disregard, ha!  Now I'm long gone, so he's kinda stuck with it.  Besides, read the above :)

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Homeless but Not Hopeless

Since leaving West Virginia about three weeks ago, I don't have a "home" address.  I'm not even sure where to call home almost at this point.  Oklahoma...?  Texas...?  Where I'm headed...?  It's kind of sad.  Though, I've made a joke of it now with people by frankly saying I'm homeless with no explanation up front.  It's quite humorous.

I'm like a leaf blowing in the wind or a gypsy traipsing around the states.  Depending on the scenario, it's good, fun, hard, or all of the above.  An example of this would be packing up my stuff.  It's kind of fun because you're playing Tetris with all your stuff, trying to squeeze it in into every corner of the car or bag.  That's also hard.  You just don't know how much stuff you have or what limited space you have until you actually try to fit everything into a minuscule area.  But then, it's good -- you finally get everything to fit into said area and you're off!  The bonus is when you can actually see clearly out the back window; triple bonus when you can see out your back window and side mirrors!  ...I mean... this always happens.  Safety first!

Traveling so much has also definitely brought out some personal flaws, like trying to remember where the heck I put something to use or to give to someone else.  So frustrating.  Case in point, I set aside my Mother's Day card and a friend's birthday card and then forgot them both, so they were going to be majorly late.  Thankfully, my friend didn't mind and I was able to write a sweet note in the book I gave her instead.  My mom just said she'd rather hear my voice anyway and to save the card for next year, haha!

Back to the fact that I don't have a current address.  Sometimes I'm not sure what to tell people.  Do I give my parent's address?  Do I say I'm about to know my address in South Dakota and just hold tight?  Do I give them the address of the place I just left?  Depending on what is needed, all those have been used.  The parents have won out almost, I suppose,(Extra mail for you!  You're welcome.), otherwise it goes something like this... 

I was talking on the phone with my Commander and he asked, "Now where is home?"  I paused and said I didn't have one.  I felt the brimming of a tear, which I repressed, and carried on in the conversation.  After a minute, he asked again, "Where is home?"  I said, "No, really.  I don't have a home right now.  I'm literally driving through Kentucky with half my belongings in my car, while the other half are in a storage unit in Texas."  That time he believed me and just remarked, "Oh yeah... because you travel so much."  Yes, exactly.  That thing called my crazy, fun life and, ultimately, my job.  Then he followed up with, "Are you driving and talking…?"  Uh, oh.  Guilty.  My Commander said I was in trouble but he was kidding, thankfully. 

Now here's the latest and greatest in regards to traveling and my job.  And, consequently, the answer to the question I've gotten several times:  When are you going to be done traveling?  

Well, kinda now.  I've decided to take another contract job in South Dakota and I'm very excited!  This one is much longer, however -- like unless something unpredictable happens, I'll be there at least a year.  My Mom is slightly dreading the fact that it's longer because she thinks her "elusive butterfly" of a daughter is going to get caught, to meet some guy and stay up there for forever.  I just find this funny. 

I've gotten different responses to the new job news, mainly positive ones, including congratulations.  Other  responses have been, "So, who's the guy?!"  Like there wouldn't be another reason to move to South Dakota, haha!  I assured her there was no guy and that there truly was a reason to move there: I'm moving and taking the job for me.

I think it will be quite refreshing to be in one place for an extended period of time, to say the least.  Actually, I think it is much needed.  I'm ready to be as settled as life will allow right now and we'll see what happens from there.  I say that because I don't actually know what will transpire and I still feel as though I have strong ties to Texas due to church, friends, and Army obligations.  Still, I know God is  leading me to be in SD for now, though I don't know exactly why. 

Anyway, the bonus is that I've been to SD before and really enjoyed my time amongst the state's beautiful landscape and the fun with friends, so I'm looking forward to returning.  Side note: if you've never visited, you should!  You could see me and Mount Rushmore :). Beyond that, I believe the job will be a great fit -- I'll be able to get more sports dietetic experience while also being more of an outpatient teacher, and I've heard the people I'll be working for and with are awesome.

So, I will have a home address again very soon!  Still, I know that I have a home with my family in Oklahoma, and, wherever I go, I will make a home for myself.  I also know that I can come back to any of the places I stayed or lived and feel at home.  A good example is the family in Iowa who let me crash at theirs and let me leave my car with them while I vacationed.  They make me feel loved and included, even if time is short.  Another is when I get to visit my best friend.  She lives in Oklahoma with her family and I typically see them there but ever so often I see them in Texas at her parent's house.  They are my adopted family, whom I love dearly.  It's always, always so wonderful to see them and catch up, while relaxing and eating yummy food.  I hope my home and family are like them one, fine day.  

For now, I'm thankful for my new upcoming home and hopeful for the future to be filled with God at work and seeing friends and family from all over at "home" :)

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Musings While Traveling

Here are blurbs from my trip, in no particular order, as I took time to venture through 3 different states to complete my goal of seeing all 50 states before I turn 30 :)  Basically, you're getting a snapshot into my head as I travel about, followed by some favorite pictures I took along the way!

I suppose this trip is unique for several reasons but I don't recall having this song pop into my head since being a kid: "This land is your land.  This land is my land.  From California to the New York island.  From the redwood forest to the Gulf Stream waters.  This land was made for me and you!"  So true and fitting!  Been to all those places ;)

I get annoyed when my luggage gets pulled during checking.  I don't have anything crazy!  Plus, the things "caught" I would have thought wouldn't be and vice versa.  Then, I see why it's flagged and explain what and where it is but no, they have to unpack it all.  For the love!  "This is a well packed bag."  Thanks??  "Did the military teach you this packing?"  No. Give me my bag. 

I'm really liking the USOs!!  No, no.  Thank you for YOUR service.  They've definitely come in handy while waiting for a flight.  God bless America. 

Spending the day in the airport isn't on my list of things to do.  Shocking.  It just goes with flying non-rev, and it's definitely a love-hate kinda thing.  So, if I'm in the bathroom an abnormal amount of time, I'm either in the midst of whole30 or doing squats for exercise.  Keepin' it real. 

I went digging for diamonds in Arkansas!  A guy had been there at the site almost 40 days (!) and found 5 little diamonds so I felt my chances were real slim and my excitement went downhill fast.  I lasted about 1.5 hours :/

I feel like my Dad and I bond over finding flights to get to my destination.  I love him. 

I think Utah (as in Salt Lake City) is my arch nemesis.  I might not make it there again due to weather ...and apparently too many people wanting to fly there for whatever reason!

Note to self: Do not live in Arkansas.  Allergies were immediate and quite terrible. 

It's okay to be last.  Sometimes you get a really sweet car. 😎

I said good job to myself.  I had to pack weeks before leaving and be prepared for desert heat and cold to the mountains to the beach with a sleeping bag and 1-person tent.  I did it all in a 64L backpack and small Kanken day pack.  If that weren't enough, I had forgotten some of the items I packed, so upon discovery, I was like "Alright! Good job packing!"

Camping ain't for sissies.  --Day 1 with friend. 

I'm really camping!  None of this glamping stuff.  I set up my own tent and was so proud :)  --Day 3 without friend. 

I've been frigid most nights I've been sleeping outside lately.  It rained today and hopefully won't tonight.  I think I'm prepared but if not I decided I could just jump in my car.  Then I was like no, I should sleep in the outhouse!  That thing was the cleanest one I've ever seen, didn't stink, and was warm.  Bingo.  (I didn't do it but it was plan C) --Day one too many without friend. 

I seriously saw a sign with Mussentuchit on it as if it were a destination.  Hahaha!!

While hiking or driving, don't forget to stop and look all around. There's so much beauty being missed otherwise! 

Surprisingly, I like camping for the fact that I have to go to bed when it gets dark and then get up when it's light.  I still get about nine hours of sleep and feel rested, and there aren't any distractions like TV to keep me up.  It also makes for a full, next day :) 

I ran into a Dad and his two, young boys (Eric, Trayton, and Ben) from Nebraska, who were delightful and were gracious enough to let me join them for a bit of their hike in Zion NP.  It was a nice break from being by myself.  So thankful!  Side note: Utah is such a beautiful state! And Zion NP is gorgeous and I did one of my most favorite hikes to date there (Angels Landing).  I will be back for sure!

People can knock on MREs all they want, but they came in handy this camping trip!

I like having my phone off, to be purposefully disconnected.  I like even more when I open it up after having it off awhile to hear my text message chime go off.  I've gotten some great texts.  They make me laugh, make me feel loved, or both.

Cruise control is a God-send.

A Fiat Spider124 is going to be my next car.  Fast and sporty :)

I was spending the day in SLC and decided I wanted to do something active like hike.  Even though that's what I'd been doing for the past few days for free, I paid 10 bucks to walk trails and take pictures of flowers.  Go figure. 

I don't understand people who purposely wait until the last minute to board their flight.  Like hello!  I want a seat and your lolly-gagging is making that take longer. 

"4 for $20!!  We want to go home!!"
- guy at farmers market stand

I shoulda been a racecar driver. 

"You WANT those guns."
- guy passing by in park as I'm lifting my bag for an arm workout 

You know you're in a really small town in the middle of basically nowhere Oregon when a store advertises selling firearms and groceries!

And then, when you think there's no service but you turn on your phone anyway, you get a text from a friend who is sweet and encouraging :)

Oregon has some of the prettiest scenery but some of the absolute rudest drivers.

I rode my bike all day around Portland.  I just love cities that I can do that in!  It is one of the best I have experienced for biking and was fun.  I also counted it as a day of training for my portion of an Ironman that me and friends want to do.

I love the beach!  I love the mountains!  I think I could live in Oregon.  Just wish the water were warmer and the drivers nicer. 

No one is at the campground but me.  I'm not sure if that's good or bad.  I do know that if I die tonight in Clearwater Falls, it won't be from mosquitoes.  I sprayed that tent like nobody's business!

Sometimes I just need a hug.  I had one of those moments along with the thought that I needed to talk to my best friend.  (Sometimes you just need a Mom hug and I've found out I'll get one of those a lot sooner than I thought!)  As soon as I got reception, I planned on texting my bestie, and you know what?  A text from her came through.  It's like we're on the same wavelength.  I love when that happens :)

I was driving and the thought crossed my mind, "why are there are so many cars right now?!"  Then I realized that one, I was driving through a "big" city (Bend) and two, I've literally been around absolutely no one for the past few days.  Needless to say, I felt claustrophobic.

Friends see friends.  I drove a ways to see a sweet friend in Washington.  We bonded in TX 3 years ago over Jesus, bikes, and broken body parts, haha!  The visit was much to short but worth it :)

So, it almost goes without saying, while on vacation, you witness some weird things (like a guy playing a harmonic in his car) and you do some gross things (like blow your nose using a sock instead of tissue), yet you do some of the greatest things (like test your fear of heights and your willpower to be alone and quiet) and you make some spectacular memories to reflect on after leaving your time of reprieve (like taking in the majestic views from legit hikes). 

As you can see, my trip has provided a little bit of everything!  Highs and lows.  Joys and failures.  Laughter and almost tears.  Smiles and confusion like "what the...?!"  New experiences and lack of showers.  Seeing sweet friends after years and chatting with family and friends.  Time alone and time with God.  All of which I'm so, so thankful. 

And the fun isn't over just yet!  It's now beach and condo time with friends :)