The Current Worst

Motherhood isn't always rainbows and butterflies. Shocker. 

There's a lot of good, and I'm optimistic, so, I try to focus on those things. However, there is a downside. For me, the top three worst things are... Lack of sleep. Mommy brain. Different body.

I've never been good with lack of sleep, like never. I need 8-10 hours a night to feel normal and rested, I'm not a morning person, and I only remember pulling one all-nighter in all my schooling. I vividly remember my parents asking me all the time over the phone in college, grad school, and even well after that in life about whether or not I was getting enough sleep.

When baby girl was born and nursing, I think I got 2 hours of sleep at a time, max. I've been sleep deprived but this was a scary, new level. Even my husband, who can go with lack of sleep and still function and has had multiple horrible work schedules to mess with sleep, said this was a whole, new kind of exhaustion. And I was exhausted! I feel it got better for my husband a lot faster; I still feel tired most days, ha! 

I know, I know. Sleep when they sleep. Yet, sometimes that's hard to do or not possible.  

One side of me feels like one day it will magically get better but the other side of me synically thinks this is a strange and horrible new norm. 

I'd have to say this takes the cake. Being so tired to function well is no good for anyone.

Not only am I grouchy and short on patience, I'm also somewhat delirious and always hoping to catch some zzz's. Sometimes I'm unable to do what I need to be doing with baby, with work, with the house, with Blue, etc, etc. -- to clarify, unable to do all goals that I have set for myself for the day, not the basics for all involved to survive.

Thankfully, I missed the boat for postpartum depression. I feel for anyone who has had to go through that on top of everything else.

I simply did not and do not feel 100% myself for multiple reasons but lack of sleep was definitely high on the list of reasons. Looking back at July and August, I actually don't know how I got up and functioned except adrenaline, new mom mode, and God's grace.

My exhaustion definitely did not help my memory. I don't think I have that great of a memory anymore anyway but the new "mommy brain" is a trippy rollercoaster, lemme tell ya. I had "pregnancy brain" for just a couple episodes, I would say, but "mommy brain" is for real and most definitely here to stay. My husband will ask me something and I will have absolutely no idea what he is talking about because I don't remember, I didn't hear it, I didn't see it, or a combination of the above. It's kind of demoralizing and slightly worrisome but, by golly, I can hear her faint little cries from a mile away!

A super brief Google search on brain changes during or after pregnancy made it seem like it was a thing. I didn't want to go too far into the rabbit hole, so I'm just going to say that, in my experience, changes are real and evident.

I know hardly any sleep, cloudy thinking, and a very different body may seem obvious, especially to anyone who has had a kid. Still, there's some part of me that never truly understood until I went through it. 

I knew my body would change but now I'm still wondering if it will ever go back to being even a little bit like it was. Please God?! I have tried to get used to the copious amounts of hair loss that should have been collected to form a small wig and the bigger body parts of all the body parts, haha! Except my feet. My feet are still the only thing on my body that has not changed, which I am very thankful for especially since I read feet can change sizes due to the extra weight during pregnancy.

How did my friend say it? My body was hit with by semi truck or a freight train? Yes, just yes. And pushed out a tiny human! So, I need to heal. I'm trying to give myself grace. Hopefully things just take a little time to get back to my "normal." 

And, even if they don't, God blessed us with a baby girl. Worth it.

Nothing can be worse in her eyes! She wanted food 😂 and then took a better photo.

Notice she is sleeping, not me 😉

Nursing

Nursing is a little weird when you think about it too long but very beautiful.

Nursing is a designated time to feed my baby i.e. I sit by myself with a small human next to my chest.  And now that I've been nursing for 4 months, I'm pretty good at it and so is she. 

To be quite honest, I wish I was one of those nursing moms who was productive during that time or bettering oneself by reading a book or something. I'm not. I'm either closing my eyes trying to get sleep because I am exhausted or I'm on my phone looking at email, social media, photos, or whatever. On a rare occasion, I've been absorbed binging a show. But, more often than not, I'm in a very quiet environment which is conducive to thinking, putting pen to paper so to speak, reflecting, and more. It's great. 

Lately, I've been thinking of my Nana who passed a few days ago, thinking about my oldest brother Jordan who passed when I was 17, and thinking about my grandpa who passed almost 2 years ago now; they'll never know Kinsley in earth but I hope they meet in heaven one day. I also reflect on "being a good Mom" and what they would look like and about maybe being a grandparent myself someday.

Side note: I realize I spend way, way too much time on my phone. Never mind the fact that I'm currently speaking into the microphone to "write" this, ha! Another side note is I heard social media takes away your focus and how is that not true?! I am so focused on stuff that I don't need to be, like Facebook and Instagram, and I literally put my phone on a "focus mode" so I don't use them! First, I need to focus on my baby girl. Second, I need to focus on myself -- self-care and my work. Third, I need to focus on the rest of my family. Way more important things than watching all those Facebook videos :/

Back to nursing. I am so grateful that I am breastfeeding and able to do so. We haven't had too many issues after the first week that my milk was not quite in yet and she was not latching super well. After that, it's been pretty smooth sailing using a nipple shield! Praise God!

Baby girl is gaining weight well, communicating her need to feed, and sucking down that milk! I know some people get weird about breastfeeding and get heated about breastfeeding vs formula...  but I really enjoy it and know that baby girl is getting good stuff. That said, I did realize after having her that I am very connected to my choice of breastfeeding and would have been extremely disappointed if it had not been able to.

I had my baby girl and she immediately grabbed onto my breast seconds after being born and seemed to be doing fine, but then my milk wasn't coming in and she was having difficulty latching so we had to use donor milk. Which, by the way, I did not know the hospital had donor milk and I hadn't done a ton of research about it, but I was very thankful in the end that we chose to use it and that it was available. With my extra hormones and emotions and my desire to breastfeed, I was crying and getting anxious about the whole situation when things were going south. The bad thoughts I had didn't come true, in the end, thankfully.

It definitely was in that moment of not being able to feed her myself that I realized my very strong desire was to breastfeed and that I would have had trouble if I had to use formula. I was especially wanting her to at least get the colostrum, which was proving difficult. I knew breastfeeding and formula feeding are both very viable options, but now going through the experience, I would definitely approach someone differently and can more easily relate to someone wanting to breastfeed who might not be able to. Lord willing, I was able to do two of the most major concerns of mine: have a natural birth and be able to breastfeed.

I had several lactation consultants work with me and my baby over several sessions to fully breastfeed as we are today. I even used a life line and texted my Aunt, who is a lactation consultant. I ended up needing and using a nipple shield every feeding. You get used to it and you would not believe how many women tell me they also had to use one, too.

My goal is to breastfeed for at least a year as long as I am able and all goes well. It has been an adjustment but a good one. I have a lot more time sitting, which I'm not entirely used to from the past, but I'm enjoying the time with my baby.

My schedule is her schedule. I'm just the milkmaid, haha! I mean, providing milk at the exact desired moment was my sole job for several months as a full time, no pay gig. It doesn't feel as full-time now...

I'd say I'm an average to an above average employee for this job in most categories. Probably below average in one category: timing. My boss has definitely had meltdowns and ferocious screaming episodes when milk is not delivered at the exact moment wanted, which is usually after a nap with the only signal being a slight stir, 3 hours after the last feed, or when the noise sounding like "nay" comes out of her mouth. I've got about 5 seconds with each of those scenarios to get the baby to the breast before total frustration and meltdown mode ensue. There are just some days that I go 10 seconds and pay for it.

Overall, one of the best jobs I've had. Very rewarding; time to reflect; alone time per se; getting to a better work-life balance with time and practice; getting more sleep; and more good than bad days with a boss I love.