Motherhood isn't always rainbows and butterflies. Shocker.
There's a lot of good, and I'm optimistic, so, I try to focus on those things. However, there is a downside. For me, the top three worst things are... Lack of sleep. Mommy brain. Different body.
I've never been good with lack of sleep, like never. I need 8-10 hours a night to feel normal and rested, I'm not a morning person, and I only remember pulling one all-nighter in all my schooling. I vividly remember my parents asking me all the time over the phone in college, grad school, and even well after that in life about whether or not I was getting enough sleep.
When baby girl was born and nursing, I think I got 2 hours of sleep at a time, max. I've been sleep deprived but this was a scary, new level. Even my husband, who can go with lack of sleep and still function and has had multiple horrible work schedules to mess with sleep, said this was a whole, new kind of exhaustion. And I was exhausted! I feel it got better for my husband a lot faster; I still feel tired most days, ha!
I know, I know. Sleep when they sleep. Yet, sometimes that's hard to do or not possible.
One side of me feels like one day it will magically get better but the other side of me synically thinks this is a strange and horrible new norm.
I'd have to say this takes the cake. Being so tired to function well is no good for anyone.
Not only am I grouchy and short on patience, I'm also somewhat delirious and always hoping to catch some zzz's. Sometimes I'm unable to do what I need to be doing with baby, with work, with the house, with Blue, etc, etc. -- to clarify, unable to do all goals that I have set for myself for the day, not the basics for all involved to survive.
Thankfully, I missed the boat for postpartum depression. I feel for anyone who has had to go through that on top of everything else.
I simply did not and do not feel 100% myself for multiple reasons but lack of sleep was definitely high on the list of reasons. Looking back at July and August, I actually don't know how I got up and functioned except adrenaline, new mom mode, and God's grace.
My exhaustion definitely did not help my memory. I don't think I have that great of a memory anymore anyway but the new "mommy brain" is a trippy rollercoaster, lemme tell ya. I had "pregnancy brain" for just a couple episodes, I would say, but "mommy brain" is for real and most definitely here to stay. My husband will ask me something and I will have absolutely no idea what he is talking about because I don't remember, I didn't hear it, I didn't see it, or a combination of the above. It's kind of demoralizing and slightly worrisome but, by golly, I can hear her faint little cries from a mile away!
A super brief Google search on brain changes during or after pregnancy made it seem like it was a thing. I didn't want to go too far into the rabbit hole, so I'm just going to say that, in my experience, changes are real and evident.
I know hardly any sleep, cloudy thinking, and a very different body may seem obvious, especially to anyone who has had a kid. Still, there's some part of me that never truly understood until I went through it.
I knew my body would change but now I'm still wondering if it will ever go back to being even a little bit like it was. Please God?! I have tried to get used to the copious amounts of hair loss that should have been collected to form a small wig and the bigger body parts of all the body parts, haha! Except my feet. My feet are still the only thing on my body that has not changed, which I am very thankful for especially since I read feet can change sizes due to the extra weight during pregnancy.
How did my friend say it? My body was hit with by semi truck or a freight train? Yes, just yes. And pushed out a tiny human! So, I need to heal. I'm trying to give myself grace. Hopefully things just take a little time to get back to my "normal."
And, even if they don't, God blessed us with a baby girl. Worth it.
So cute! Wish I could snuggle her!!
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