Engaged

I had a feeling it was coming, but I don't do surprises well.  Like at all.  In fact, I was a bit miffed at him in the days leading up to the proposal.  I couldn't exactly understand why he hadn't already asked!  I'm thinking he needs to "crisp it up" (see previous post) and it didn't help hearing excuses along with "What's he waiting for?" or "I thought he would have asked by now" and the like from others. 

If I knew, it would have made things a lot easier.  And obviously ruin the surprise.

So, he got me.  It started with my friend asking us to go on a hike on Saturday super early in the morning to Harney Peak (now call Black Elk Peak).  I didn't think anything of it for many reasons and then I was just excited because, literally the night before she asked us to go on the hike, I had written down a to-do list which included going hiking and getting together with this friend (Katlyn, the great).  

What helped even more was that my boyfriend said he was going to possibly leave and be back hopefully in time for the hike.  I figured he wouldn't be back in time but I didn't care because I was still going to go.  I wanted to go hiking and hang out with my friend.  He clearly did not end up taking the day trip and made the hike.  And now that I know everything, I'm seriously like, "Really? You were thinking of cutting it that close?" 

Good grief.  We made it all the way there and all the way to the top, chatting the whole time.  We reached the tower and I saw a dog that looked familiar and then looked up to see its owners, who are a couple of friends.  I immediately knew.  He was going to propose.  !!!

After I've realized what's about to happen, he grabbed my hands and started his well thought out speech filled with all sorts of sweet things -- how he won the lottery with me, how my eyes melt him, how much we've grown in just a year, etc.  Then he said he loved me and asked me to marry him while getting down on one knee and pulling out the incredible ring. 

I squeaked out a yes and then more yeses since I wasn't heard by our friends, haha!  Celebrating with a mini champagne bottle, hugs and kisses, and congratulations ensued, followed by ice cream at Mount Rushmore.  

It was a whirlwind.  Thankfully, our friends got a video and many pictures to prove it really did happen.  And I have a stunning ring and now fiancé, too :)

Crisp It Up

I have a friend who likes to say, "He needs to crisp it up!" when talking about guys sometimes.  I laugh because it's funny, especially how she says it, but it's also not funny because it's true. 

Some guys do need to crisp it up.  If their plan is to "get the girl" then it should be executed.  The alternative?  I think Aretha Franklin sang it best (whether or not this song is in correct context, go with it!):

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Take care... T-C-B

Oh (sock it to me, sock it to me
sock it to me, sock it to me)
A little respect (sock it to me, sock it to me
sock it to me, sock it to me)
Whoa, yeah (just a little bit)
A little respect (just a little bit)
I get tired (just a little bit)
I keep on tryin' (just a little bit)
You're runnin' out of fools (just a little bit)
And I ain't lyin' (just a little bit)
(re, re, re, re) Repect when you come home
(re, re, re, re)
Or you just might walk in (respect, just a little bit)
And find out I'm gone (just a little bit)

Yep, guys, she will leave you.  

Whether it's been two weeks or two years dating, she'll go.  If you're married and see divorce as an option, she'll go.  If you're married with divorce not being an option or dating and she hasn't gone yet, thank your lucky stars because you still have time.  Use it wisely. 

I have had to consider these things and so have others (and then live with the answer): 

Do I want to be with someone who doesn't respect me?
Do I want to be with someone who doesn't value what I value?

Do I want to be with a man who doesn't show or tell me I'm important and/or loved?

Do I want to marry a man who won't apologize, won't admit he's wrong or had wrongdoings, or won't truly work to fix things?

Do I want to marry a man who does what he wants and puts himself first?

The answers are all no [for me].

So, the guy should be taking care of the present.  No more future talk because there might not be one.  It's hard but I've recently had to say this. Just like my friend telling me "he needs to crisp it up!" I've had to say it in a different way.

Ladies, take care of yourselves and put up boundaries and enforce them (or re-inforce them).  But don't be completely ugly about it and definitely go to God. 

As if it isn't clear, I think men should secure the girl and make her feel secure in different ways.  If that means marriage to you then get down on one knee.  If you're already married or aren't ready for it yet or want a different way to offer security, start with looking at needs and focus on at least one to meet (taken from Maslow's hierarchy of needs) -- physiological (food, clothing, shelter), safety (emotional security, financial security, health and well-being), social ( friendship, family, intimacy), and esteem (self confidence).  

Personally, I think a good portion of esteem and all of "self-actualization" come from a personal relationship with God.  Thus, a spiritual need.  And I truly see how God meets every single need! Praise the Lord!

Still, God does talk about relationships and some verses talking about marriage in particular go like this: "In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.  Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.  This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.  However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:28-33

I think this concept should be seen a bit in dating (he loves her as himself and she respects him) and then it comes to a fuller fruition in marriage.  Each plays a part, yes.  But the man crisps it up first. 

Then she will.  And the fun really begins ;)

Bitter, Sweet, and Everything "Good"

I like personality quizzes.  I like researching.  I like learning.  I like uplifting quotes.  These things don't float everyone's boat but indulge me. 

I've done some soul-searching of sorts and discovered things about myself.  Nothing ground-shakingly new, just things posed in a new light that I found helpful.

One particular quote I came upon after the search was this:  "The exact way God made you is in keeping with how He will use you."

At the time and even now, it's a good reminder.  Not only to apply to myself but to others as well.  God doesn't make mistakes, He will use anyone who is willing no matter what, and He has the grand plan for your life.  

It's hard to trust Him, honestly.  It's also hard to rest in the fact that God loves me just the way I am, flaws and all -- when I sin, when I'm not pleasant to be around, when I'm needy, when I feel inadequate, when I mess up, and when I'm selfish, just to name a few.  He loves me when everything is going great, too.  

I feel as though I need to do something, work through something, or strive to be "better."  I suppose those aren't bad things, in a way, and may need to be done at different times and in certain ways yet I have to stop and think, "Everything is good" even when that doesn't seem natural or true.  Because in one way or another things are good or will end up being good, and, more importantly, deep down I know I'm saved by grace alone not "good."

Besides, He makes it possible for everything to even be "good."  "The key is in God's character. The psalmist said of God, 'You are good, and what you do is good'"

I see how God has molded me thus far with my family, upbringing, experiences, passions, quirks, irritations, joys, etc that make me who I am and it makes sense.  Looking back is kinda easy.  Throw in new people and new experiences at present and it's a slightly different story. 

However, I read another quote: "A 17th century French monk named Brother Lawrence wrote, 'If we knew how much God loved us, we would always be ready to receive equally… from his hand the sweet and the bitter.'"

The sweet is more than received.  The bitter is much harder. 

I'm not guaranteed anything.  Not riches, not security, not a retirement, not a vacation, not a friend, not a marriage, not a pet, not a job, not health, not love, not acceptance, not understanding, not knowledge, not fun...  nothing in this life.  Do I want these things?  Of course!  Will I get them in this life?  Maybe.  So, I look forward to heaven and have to think, "Bitter days have value too. They make us aware of our weaknesses and they help us depend more on God."

Boy, do they!!  I've had a rough time lately with my health (6 hour ER visits are the worst!), not feeling loved, being around a lot of people I don't know, feeling alone, choosing joy, forgiving when it's hard, not knowing what to say, not feeling heard, being talked about (not positively), feeling stressed and attacked, feeling lost and not understood, feeling like I'm not a priority, foregoing my independence, choosing to love people as Christ loves me...  All I know and can do sometimes is pray, cry, and cry out to God. 

I am weak but He is strong.  

I cannot do anything without Christ.  And I'm not afraid to admit that.  One, it's true.  Two, I know I'd be an even more difficult, selfish, unpleasant, unhappy, short-fused, stubborn, demanding, and unforgiving person to deal with.  Yikes.  Three, those bitter days do come and sometimes it seems as though He is all I have.  God and His Word enable me to get through them and to see the good, to anticipate sweet days like seeing part of my family after a year (the nephew is so adorable!), enjoying a new activity (can you say skiing and wakeboarding?!), and talking with friends (both old and new). 

Life brings choices.  The choice to forgive, to seek forgiveness, to let resentment grow, to have a good attitude, to show love, to have fun, to be a pill, to be happy, to not care, to be positive, to not be selfish, to be unloving, to talk things out, to bottle things up, to bite your tongue, to seek God.  Some aren't great and some aren't easy, especially in the bitter times.  The choice is mine and yours.  And I believe they are important in shaping who God is making you. 

Memory Lane

I bought this neat journal that poses a question to you every day, and it's not only for just this year but for five years!  I thought it be cool to compare the me now to the me in five years in our answers.  I also didn't think it would be too hard to write an answer every day but it is.  Haha!

I failed miserably doing it once a day so I'm currently playing catch-up on an embarrassing way too long of a time period.  Some of the questions are very random in my mind, like "What 'type' of person are you?  Um, what?  "Who would play you in a movie about your life?  Is it a good movie?"  Who cares about the actor but duh. Yes, it's a good movie because it's about me and I am answering this question.  "What makes a good enemy?" I seriously wrote "This is a stupid question."  Other questions are more thoughtful like "Who loves you today?" and "What do you consider to be your biggest achievement?"  

The one that got me really thinking and writing this blog post, is this one: "If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?"  I used to always answer something along the lines of liking a certain crush.  I thought I liked him for too long and felt stupid for it.

It's funny though, I'm going through all my stuff to try and downsize before moving (...yet again) and I actually ran across a couple of notes from him.  One was just a birthday card but the other was actually really nice.  I re-read it and he had complimented me for helping stretch him.  

For the first time when encountering a question basically about regret, I didn't have an answer.  I realized I don't regret liking him or spending so much time with him because maybe something good actually came about.  I also have something to compare.  I can say the guy I'm with currently treats me pretty darn great.  I can't imagine life without him or with this other guy, for that matter.

The other guy is a good guy, don't get me wrong.  He's just not the right one for me.  Actually, looking back on all the guys I have liked or dated or quasi-dated or even thought attractive, I would say the same thing and, thus, wouldn't regret what happened but don't see the need to bring them up again really.  I am with my guy and that's it.  I think he's the best so don't bring up the rest.  And everyone and everything in life happens for a God-given reason. 

Anyway, I threw quite a bit of sentimental stuff away yesterday while cleaning for the move.  It felt good.  It was a nice trip down memory lane but also offered some closure, in a sense, and a brighter path to the future.  Of course, I still kept a lot of sentimental stuff and re-read letters given to me.  I cried as I read what my grandpa, brother, and close friend had written to me and about me.  It was humbling and sweet to read those truths again.  Then it was fun to go through some of my guy's stuff and see more of his life.

I'm grateful for all.  No regrets.  And more journal questions to be answered each day!