Disappointment

I understand why God wiped out the earth, to a small extent.

“The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.  And the Lord was sorry that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him to his heart.  So the Lord said, ‘I will blot out man whom I have created from the face of the land, man and animals and creeping things and birds of the heavens, for I am sorry that I have made them.’”

I was recently told by someone who had read the story of Noah and the flood that they knew it, they had heard the story before.  Yeah, same here. 

It literally just donned on me, though, as to why God flooded the earth and killed all animals and men except the animals in the ark and Noah and his family. 

Disappointment.

God created man and loved man, and what was man doing?  Wickedness and evil continually.  Continually!!  Dang.  No wonder He got rid of everyone!  I know that I don’t like when someone doesn’t respond to a text or blows off an outing or is rude or is passive aggressive or doesn’t remember my name…  Think of anything that people do that annoys you and viola!

Let’s be clear, I’m not going to kill anyone.  Yet God is just and did kill people with the flood and then promised not to flood the earth again.  However, I’m more than positive He has plenty of reasons to blot us out again.  Because, let’s face it, people are selfish, self-centered, rude, passive aggressive, out right aggressive, forgetful, know-it-alls, arrogant, stingy, mean, uncaring, disinterested, full of complaints, full of themselves, one-uppers, lazy, etc.  Thank goodness God is gracious…

The reality for me right now is that I’m disappointed.  Disappointed with friends.  Disappointed with co-workers.  Disappointed with family members.  Disappointed with nurses.  Disappointed with patients.  And, of course, disappointed with myself.   Unfortunately, with disappointment comes hurt, anger, and a wealth of other negative feelings and emotions.

Life seems to bring disappointment after disappointment from every sphere of life at the moment, not just from people.  I’m taking a beating and it’s getting really old.

Life may be full of disappointments.  Life may make me want to curl up into a little ball and do nothing.  Life may be hard.  Like really hard.  All the time.  Life may make me want to give up on people and stow away.  Life may be different than what I thought it would be.

I have a pretty good idea the source for several of my current disappointments but the answers to “why?” or “for how long?” or “what can I do about it?” are most definitely not clear or known.

Two things come to mind: a passage and a hymn.   Romans 5:1-5 and “In Christ Alone”

God have mercy.

Drive

Let me be brutally honest.  I don’t like to drive and my life feels like a small wreck right now.

I have decided that saying that I hate to drive is too strong, but I definitely don’t like it. 

Blame the terrible wrecks I was in as a child or the even more terrible and scary wrecks as an adult.  Blame the semi trucks.  I mean, who doesn’t get freaked out when passing them anyway!  Blame the boredom that comes during super long journeys.  Definitely blame other drivers.  Blame the close calls of going below E.  Whoops!  Blame the sitting and doing nothing when I like to be active.  Blame the lack of road trips in my life.

Granted, driving is a necessary evil.  Obviously you have to get from point A to point B and those points usually aren’t walk-able or bike-able.  Sad day.

Really though, there are just so many pros and cons to driving for me. 

MAJOR con: other drivers.  Duh.

There are definitely some idiots on the road:

     The Speedsters.  They’re just crazy and may have a death wish.

     The let-me-turn-on-my-blinker-for-one-blink-and-then-get-over-in-front-of-you.  Clearly that small space is for my car.  Good gracious!  Let’s not think about the fact that if anyone slammed on their brakes for whatever reason so many people would be toast.

     The Tailgaters. ‘Nough said.

     The Elite (i.e. super annoying) Tailgaters.  You’re like, “Dude, I’m already going literally 20 mph over the speed limit.  Get off my back!”

     The Slowpokes.  Of course you always get behind them when you need to be somewhere in a timely manner.

     The you-most-definitely-should-NOT-be-in-the-fast-lane.  You ain’t going that fast; get over.

     The “What are you doing?!” or “What. Are. You. Doing?”  I say this in several ways to another car for a myriad of reasons but it can be, “Oh.  You’re on your phone or texting or trying to do anything but drive!  Got it.”

     The turn-off-your-stupid-brights.  Trust me, I see you.  And you’re obnoxious.

Then there’s all the construction and oh so much traffic.  All the freakin’ time!  It’s never ending.  How could the roads possibly be that bad?!  How could there be so many people on the road at once?!  All the freakin’ time!

Plus, it’s weird that I tend to always get sleepy (like have fluttering eyelids) while driving.  That’s not good!  I’m the one driving.  I need to be awake.  I do the whole blare music, call someone, roll the windows down, or whatever trick but I think I just need a chauffeur. 

You know, I might enjoy driving more if I had a sports car again.  Driving my little manual around was quite fun, especially when the top was down!  So yeah, my next big purchase might just be that long awaited sports car…

I would definitely go just as fast as I am now in my non-sports car because I treat it as if is a sports car.  Doesn’t always work out…  I’ve noticed, though, that as I’ve gotten older and am more relaxed behind the wheel that I have a need for speed.  That’s not necessarily good either!  I’m actually really cautious with others in the car with me.  If it’s just me, however, it’s a whole new game.  I mean, I like to go fast.  I think there might be a direct correlation between speeding and impatience, though.  I also go faster when I’m running late like basically everyone I know.  Not saying it’s good, just that it’s unfortunately common…  Then there’s the “Ugh.  I’m going fast and you decide to pull out in front of me.  Really?!”  C’mon, you know you’ve said it, too.

There is one saving grace: cruise control.  Best invention.  Bless that inventor’s soul.

Other great things about driving would be being able to process things, listen to music, roll down the windows, and just think about things in general without much interruption.  I almost always drive alone, so what else am I gonna do?!  I’m thinking and writing (more like saying out loud to record) this blog, for example.  I usually think about people I haven’t talked to in a while and give them a ring.  Or text.  Yes, I have been known to text and drive.  It’s a terrible habit and one that should be broken.  I’ll let you know about that later.  Anyway, one of the best things is getting to my destination and seeing my family's or friend's beautiful, smiling faces :)

I suppose a time I do like to drive is when I’m not the driver, ha!  I had a carpool buddy for grad school and it was awesome!  One, we became best friends.  Two, she would drive and I would sit there and we would talk and the time would fly by.  It was wonderful.

I do also remember some really good times with my family in the car.  We didn’t ever take road trips, so one of the best memories I have is of my Dad and brothers while driving to and from church.  Oh my goodness.  There is just no way my Dad’s impromptu raps will EVER be equaled!!  Hahaha!!  Then there’s the memory of all 5 of us basically screaming at the top of our lungs to GLAD.  Never to be replicated either.

See, I just need to not be the driver.

Funny.  As soon I said that I thought of the fact that I always want to be the driver of my life, but, honestly, I need God to be the driver.  Now more than ever, it seems. 

Back to that comment of life being a wreck.  In so many ways, mine feels like one right now.  I need a good, it’s-okay-to-melt-in-my-arms, Mom-type hug.  I need to cry but that might not happen.  I need to sleep.  I need the brighter days to come quick.  I need to believe that God really is driving and that He will take care of all the crazies on the road, that He will get me through the hairpin turns, that He will help me go the speed I need to be going, and that He will help me enjoy the journey.

Because there’s no denying my cruise control is faulty at the moment.

Of Being Intentional

Welcome to the 5-minute read of my thoughts!  What’s been swirling around lately is being intentional.  I’ve heard that word “intentional” a lot over the last few days.  I don’t hear it that often so I started thinking about its meaning.

According to the British dictionary, intentional means, “performed by or expressing intention; deliberate” or “of or relating to intention or purpose”  I chose this definition because of the word deliberate; I can grasp a better picture of deliberate for whatever reason.  It’s as if you’re setting your mind to do something no matter the cost, consequences, or things you’ll have to do or even give up to accomplish it.

Now then, you can be intentional in many different facets.  You can be intentional about getting work done, about your hobbies, about planning a vacation, etc.  I think of being intentional with people.

I have some amazingly intentional friends in my life.  Too many to list or describe them all, which is incredible when I stop to think about it…  So much good has come from these relationships!  Hats off to you, friends! :) 

I know some will invite myself and others to events or to hang out in order to include people and get to know me/them.  I know some will ask how they can pray for me (and they will actually do it).  I know some of them send me texts saying that they’re thinking of me or asking how I’m doing, which a nice little surprise during the day that doesn’t happen enough.  I know some of them are far away but take the time to catch up in person if coming through town (best!) or will call and catch up (second best!). 

A sweet friend did just that this past weekend.  She’s been working non-stop it seems, so we hadn’t been able to talk on the phone/Facetime in a couple of months.  No matter.  We picked up right where we left off and were able to encourage each other, among many things.  Crazy to think that she was only able to live in Texas for a few short months, but I’m so very glad she did!  Now I get to visit her in the Northwest sometime and she has a place to stay here in Texas or wherever I go!

What about the guy who actually tells a girl his intentions?  Now that’s refreshing.  I’ve had it happen.  I gleaned a great line to let someone down easy come to think of it (because a guy used it on me)!  Ha!  Anyway, it could go either way, like “I want to get to know you/go on dates/talk to you about xyz/whatever” or “I don’t want to do those things with you.”  Simple as that.  Either way is good, in my opinion.  Of course with the former you’d, in fact, get to know a cool person.  With the latter I’d think, “Still friends, nothing wrong or weird, I just don’t want to date you or get to know you outside of group events (or the guy just doesn’t want to pursue me).  Great!  I didn’t waste your time or energy; you didn’t waste my time or energy…”  It’s a win-win.

Because, yep, ain’t nobody got time for that!  Everyone is busy with work, pets, children, DIY projects, exercise, school, you name it!  We’re all busy, and I’m just as prone to use that card as the next person.   However, you really do make time for what or who is important to you.  I’m also in that crowd.

Now I know it takes effort to be intentional with people.  It takes planning ahead and juggling schedules a lot of the time.  It takes away from your virtual world of social media.  It takes more than just saying, “We should get together!”  It takes thinking of others.  It takes your precious time.   It takes committing to what you said you’d do.

Yet think of all the good that can come from being intentional in your relationships.

I’ve decided to try to be more intentional with my time, especially with whom I spend it on or with.  I’m going to set aside designated time for others, try to be more flexible to accommodate their schedule, and plan something right when I think of it or have them in front of me.  Now, this isn’t a “if you get to spend time with me, you know you’re hot stuff” kind of thing.  Sorry to burst that bubble.  There’s just so much I have to do, need to do, and want to do!

So, it just means that I feel I have to be choosy, to be selective.  If I say I’m going to dinner with a friend, I’m going to do my best to show up, put my phone down, and be engaged.  I really want to know them better.  (Have to say that this scenario happened and that this particular friend was super gracious and forgiving due to my poor foresight what with a conference call in the middle of everything…)  Then if they want to go do something else and I can squeeze it in, yay!  It’s great if more friends are there.  I mean, bonus! :)

Seriously though, if I weren’t intentional, I wouldn’t have nearly as many friends all over the country and world nor would I have my closest friends.  

It doesn’t take too, too much, come to find out.  Dangle a marathon in front of me and bam!  I got the best running buddy and friend a girl could ask for!  Or have a coworker tell me they like sushi too, and I’ll start an “every Monday of the month” schedule to try sushi restaurants.  A little effort can go a long way sometimes!

Besides, I just don’t know how much longer I’ll have with the people I’m surrounded by.  I’m not trying to be morbid or sad, trust me.  I’m just not sure where exactly I’ll end up with my dreams and passions, quite honestly. 

So, it just means that I want to be intentional with people now and always.

Mending a Broken Heart

A friend and I were talking one night, and she mentioned reading my most recent blog posts.  She complimented me on being so transparent.  I blushed, laughed, and thanked her. 

It’s true, though.  I write the truth as it is in my life and as seen in my eyes.  I write what’s real and really happening.

1)  Who wants to read someone’s blog that’s not true, especially when it’s about real life stuff like relationships, joys, struggles, and blessings?  Plus, there’s enough rubbish and facades out there!  I don’t want to fall into that…

2)  I wouldn’t write what I wouldn’t say in person.  I very much enjoyed my friend bringing up the post because we had a GREAT conversation!  The blog was just a jumping off point.  Hope this happens more often, especially because the blogs only say so much.  It’s condensed sometimes because I feel that the “long version” needs to be given in person.  …with my famous voices and facial expressions that make up my “cutely excited” self, of course! ;)

3)  It’s easy.  I can’t exactly explain it.  What I write just comes to me, so I write it down and share it.  Plus, I don’t know who reads my blog besides my Mom and Grandpa, honestly, so I guess it’s easy to know that no one could possible see my thoughts.

4)  However, I do write and write the truth because I think, “What if just one person reads my blog and it helps them in some way?”  Then it was worth putting out there.

So what does being transparent have to do with this post?  Everything.  Glance at that title once more...  Now keep reading.

It’s a bit uncanny how many friends have talked to me recently about relationships.  Several have mentioned a past relationship breaking their heart.  That breaks mine.  I don’t want to see my friends hurt or hurting and I most definitely want them to heal.

My own heart is not immune; it’s been hurt as well.  So much so that I felt that Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” was written just for me.  So much so that I didn’t know when my heart would mend.

It was the typical head-over-heels kind of thing.  “Stupid Jessie” I would think not too long ago.  Can you help whom you fall for??  Haven’t gotten an answer about that one… But, yes, I wasted a lot of time, energy, and emotions on this guy.  I kept asking God questions like why doesn’t he like me, why do I like him so much, and why God couldn’t just take the feelings away. 

Well, I’ve stopped asking all of those “why” questions.  I got some answers and even wrestled with them.  I went through a good range of emotions and prayed.  Much more could be said and at least one story of some real anger, but what I’ll say now is that I’m now healthy and even still friends with that guy (remaining friends was not my plan originally but God is in control and gives us forgiveness and grace so that we can extend forgiveness and grace…)  Trust me, I’ve learned a lot, and several things have happened that have been key factors for me to be okay.  Here are the top three:

Time.  This is the most important, even if it is a cliché.  Starting out, there was no way to know how much time I would need to heal, but now that I’m healthy and a better person for going through all of this, I’m glad I took time to go to God and ask questions, get answers, and process everything.  It also took time for me to get out of messed up thinking -- I was questioning people’s motives for most anything; I noticed I didn’t want to do nice things for people like making/sending cards; I didn’t think people cared; and I was very guarded, not wanting to share much about my life or experiences.

Moving.  I moved to Texas for a job; it was a much-needed change.  I wasn’t around that guy for sure and no one knew me so I could be whomever I wanted.  Of course, I couldn’t escape my dominant characteristics and qualities but I did tweak some things.

Dating. At one point, I remember thinking that just replacing that guy with another guy was what I needed but really I needed to replace him with God.  I did, though it’s a process to be sure.  I do fail, yet God’s got me.  And honestly, I wouldn’t have thought in a million years that dating would have helped as much as it did.  I dated a guy for an extended period of time, and even though it didn’t work out in the end, it was a big piece of the mending heart puzzle.  I let my guard down a bit to let him in, and it was good.

So, number one word of advice is go to God.  He is the only one who could possibly give me the healing I needed, that you need, and the healing I’ll need in the future because I know that no person can give me unconditional love and people, no matter who they are, will disappoint and hurt me.  It’s fact.  We aren’t God and we are all fallen people needing to be saved.  

Another piece of advice is that time is important.  I’m not the only person who’s been hurt nor will I be the last but taking the time to become healthy again is essential.  Among other things, I’ve noticed my wrong thinking is gone -- I don’t question people’s motives; I’ve started doing nice things for people again for the right reasons; I think and know people care about me; and I’m guarded in the sense that I want to be smart about the when and to whom I open up.  Again, I’m not perfect but learning and definitely leaning on God.

I know people have been hurt by their girlfriend/boyfriend/love/spouse and it’s truly terrible.  There’s no denying that.  However, life doesn’t end there.  Maybe you focused on the other person instead of God, like me, or maybe you need to take time to completely heal, like me.  I’d encourage you to get to the root cause of the hurt or anger and do something about it.  Someone is missing out on you.