The Ugly Truth

No fun starter for this post. I have to cut straight to the chase and be brutally honest by saying, in the words of Paul, I am chief among sinners. 

I've recently been completely guilty of scouring other peoples lives and pinpointing the sins that I see.  And not necessarily in the way of, "Oh man, I'm glad I saw that in their life because I don't want that to happen in mine!" but more of the "Oh man, they've got a problem and I'm glad it's not mine!"  

It's so easy to look at someone else and thankfully (more like naively) think that I'm not swimming in a pool of unrighteousness.  Am I right?  But I am doing just that ...I'm perhaps just doing it with a breaststroke instead of freestyle.  

I may not be committing huge, blatant sins like murder or stealing or lying but I am, for sure, not perfect or wholly without blame.  I find myself thinking "Well, I'm not breaking the rules/laws by doing X, Y, or Z." or "I do a better job of showing love to others because I don't do THAT but instead do THIS." or even "I don't understand why they think (fill in the blank) is okay!".

To play devil's advocate, I have found that pondering those questions or statements has been really good, as in, for example, asking, "Why do I find what they're doing not okay?"  It's made me stop, think, dig deeper, and come to a conclusion about my own conduct and reasoning.

Yet, most of those statements come from a source of pride or self-righteousness or judgemental state or quite possibly just good perceptiveness.  Nonetheless, when I look deeper in my own life, it's usually the old saying of, when you point a finger, there's three pointing back at you or the Scripture reference that you should remove the plank from your own eye before trying to get the speck out of someone else's. 

Knife stab to the heart with a twist.

It's painful to look in the mirror and see disgustingness looking back and to really put a magnifier up against my life and see all the imperfections. 

Some examples being...

1) me trying to convince myself that I'm not as of obnoxious as another woman.  I didn't like that she whined and complained but then I found myself complaining about her complaining!  Goodness. 

2) me trying to tell myself that I am a rule and law follower whereas others are not.  Yeah, right.  I might not be breaking the same ones they are but heaven forbid someone look at my speedometer!  Eek. 

3) me trying to tell myself that I wasn't as terrible as some guys I've known.  You know, the ones who seem to use girls, that are players.  I wouldn't do that!  Think again.  Maybe the guy is lonely just like me or likes being liked just like me and figured that going out with someone wouldn't mean anything, that toying with their emotions would be harmless, or that getting involved romantically with someone even for a hot minute would feel good and wouldn't effect either of them.  Wrong. 

My sin affects me and others, even if it may not be fully evident at the time.

No one likes to be around someone else who complains, speeding puts myself and others in harms way, and nobody wants to date someone like that.  And, of course, sin affects my relationship with God. 

It's things like the above examples that show me my lack of discipline for godliness, my lack of self-control, and my choosing not to live in the freedom and protection of boundaries that the gospel provides, among other things.  Some areas of life I feel I have both discipline and self-control and am content but definitely not in all, so I need help.  I want God to show me my sin and for me to repent quickly; I want to stay close to the fire.  There's also the beauty of the gospel in that I have forgiveness. 

I've actually been going through a myriad of books lately -- this work assignment seems to be deemed the reading assignment so any book suggestions are appreciated -- some of which have been helpful in revealing some sin struggles that I overlook, such as ungodliness, anxiety, unbelief, selfishness, and ungratefulness.  Really, I'm trying to work on me and not others by the grace of God, since I believe others can and will understand the gospel fully and be convicted of their own sin in time.  

Books and so many other things have helped me lately to evaluate my life.  Another way is to ask questions, bouncing around all answers and rabbit trails in order to truly get to the why.  Here are some example questions with some simple answers:

Why do I do things the way I do? 

   Efficiency. Like my way of running life.

Why do I think people gravitate towards me?

   I have what people crave – – Jesus.

Why is that person's conduct bothering me? 

   Lack of self control.  I don't want to send that message. I don't value that.

Why didn't I open up to that person?

   Not ready.  Lack of trust. 

And so on.  Things don't stop with the simple answers.  It's sometimes a lengthy process to get to the true "why" of my character and thoughts and actions but it's very helpful and healing to gain a better understanding.  It's also quite beneficial to ask questions and listen well to whomever I'm talking to or observing so that I can hopefully understand where they're coming from.  Yet another way I evaluate my life is to read the Bible, which I think is the most important.  On top of these things, sermons, podcasts, music, and verbally processing with close friends have proven good tactics. 

Honestly, I hope that what I do and say is explicitly seen as trying to be Christ-like because the gospel is working in my life on the daily.  

Christ alone refines me everyday. 

I need Him.  You need Him. 

It's Not All About You, Jess

"It's not all about you, Jess"

One of my best friends, who I met in England, said the most simple yet quite profound sentence to me one day: it's not all about you, Jess.

Shocking. Mouth open in disbelief. Did that just come out of her mouth? I can't believe that just came out of her mouth!!

Yet, years later, I'm still glad that came out of her mouth. It made me stop and think that day and it still makes me think to this day. What people do, what I do, what others say, and what comes out of my mouth – – all actions and words – – it's not all for me!

Her lovely British accent popped into my head all over again today after dealing with a difficult patient and then recalling a rude nurse from the day before. They don't understand what I'm there to do or they don't understand what I'm capable of, I feel. Maybe I should be a better advocate for my profession by educating on what we are capable as dietitians of doing, yet first, I have to stop before the thoughts get to me and ruin my day and completely stink up my attitude. Is the point of my job to feel value, to feel like I'm being acknowledged? Is my day only "good" when someone actually appreciates the services I bring? No. All no. 

Not that I don't want to feel valued or acknowledged or have a good day or have someone truly appreciate a dietitian's services. It's just when I try to get all those things solely from some other person and not Christ then it's a problem. So, I searched for the reason I feel that way and devise a plan. 

I decided that 1) I will find my worth in Christ, 2) it's not all about me, and 3) I should adjust my perspective and attitude.

Maybe someone just needs someone else to listen to them about whatever. Maybe someone just needs to vent. Maybe someone is sick and tired of being sick and tired and needs a fresh, smiling face. Maybe someone needs a person to push them in the right direction despite their excuses. Maybe someone just needs to laugh.

You know what? I can provide all those things. No strings attached, no expectations of getting anything in return. 

That is definitely something else I have noticed in my life that needs improving: doing something for someone else without expecting anything in return. In a similar vein, I'd like to work on doing or saying something simply to be helpful and loving. 

I think about my time in England, during which I talked to a guy quite often because we were friends, we were both Christians, we were going through similar circumstances, and, in the end, we needed each other. Nothing romantic happened and there were no strings attached. We were simply there for each other. We had both moved to different countries and knew no one; we were struggling. It was incredible to be able to communicate in various ways to encourage and be encouraged, to have a friend while trying to make friends where we were, to know someone else had your same worldview and back, and to see the goodness from that relationship then and now years later. 

I just have no idea what I can do for someone, much less the impact they could have on me! It doesn't matter the length of time I've known them, the distance between us, or the amount of interactions I've had with them. 

I hope to extend helpfulness and true love, to be that smiling face, to provide the positivity someone needs, or to become the necessary net for someone else again. When the focus is off me, these things can be accomplished. 

Another life example is when I was feeling anxious about a relationship because I was putting too much weight on it as well as reeling about the unforeseeable future and the expectations that would probably never be met. Thankfully, my brother graciously admonished and challenged me to just be a friend, to take the pressure off because God's got me and the other person. Once I decided to take his advice and implement it, things made sense and my head was clear. I was able to interact with the guy without any expectations and just enjoy the conversation and the relationship we have. 

The challenge to not have the focus be on me is real and it's hard. It's a lesson that I may have to dig up and dig up and dig up. But it's worth it and 

Singleness

It’s already happened.  I’ve been here in Iowa for no time at all, and it’s already happened.  I’ve been asked a question.  The seemingly million dollar question about one facet of my life.  The question that, if I had the answer, wouldn’t be asked.  The question for which I know the answer and also do not know the answer.

This happened over the weekend:

“You’re cool … and beautiful.  I just keep asking myself, ‘why is this girl single?’”

First off, I’m thankful to no longer struggle with not fully knowing the answer and no longer thinking it might be due to being inadequate as a person (like something is “wrong” with me) or with personality (everyone loves me and my cuteness, right?!) or even lack of beauty (I mean, just yesterday a nice gentlemen told me I was gorgeous :) blush). 

My answer, this go-around, to the guy posing the somewhat complex question of why I am currently single was simply that I have high standards.  It’s true.  I’m not afraid to say it nor am I afraid to keep them high in order to not settle – best advice from a gem of a friend and many others. 

On the one hand, I don’t think the question should be asked out loud.  On the other hand, I see why it is.  I guess I’ll take it as a compliment, as in “You seem so great!  Why hasn’t a guy caught you already?!” kind of way.  However, your relationship status is just one aspect of life.  There is so much more to life than this one thing!  People can obsess over it, and I have at times, yet life does not begin when the status changes.  Period.

So, I’m choosing to live life as best I can while I am single!  There’s much to be enjoyed as a single, just as there is much to be enjoyed in dating and in marriage.  And recently I was challenged to see singleness as the gift that it is.  As I was listening to a sermon, the pastor stated the secret to knowing if you have the gift of singleness: whether or not you woke up as a single person that morning.  Haha!  If you woke up as a single person, then you have the gift of singleness for the day.  Brilliant.  Now use it wisely.

As a single, I can have singlemindedness.  I have the time, money, energy, etc. to do what I want because I’m not concerned about anyone but myself (no boyfriend or husband, no kids).  With this truth, it is better to ask what I will use my time, money, energy, and other resources for and to know that, ultimately, I can and should “care for the things of the Lord – how I may please the Lord.”  Therefore, I hope while I’m single to grow closer to God, nurture friendships, see my immediate family, develop my professional skills, prepare for the possibility of marriage, and flourish as an individual, to name a few.  I also look forward to the advantages that singleness offers like this travel job, for one, as well as the ability to talk to and do fun things with whomever.  For instance, I’ve had a good many conversations and outings with guys that might not have happened if I were dating, since most my time would be spent with the one I’m dating!  In the end, these things I’ve listed above diminish or go away completely as life dictates and that life can change …and quickly.  So, I want to take advantage of my single time.

I still think that if I weren’t single, I wouldn’t be asked this question and that I might be more enlightened as to why I’ve been single for a while now.  Like I said, I know part of the answer.  And though there is more to it than this, such as guys being flakes (to say the least) and my own flaws, hang-ups, and prejudices that are hindrances, I think it boils down to the fact that there is no zing-pow (this is extremely simplified but my personal favorite theory, since it can encompass all the possible answers into one.  It is like an onion of a theory in that there are many layers to it that reveal things such as what I want and don’t want in a guy, timing, etc).  Then there’s what a friend said, “I don’t think you’re married yet because you want to see the guy in all aspects of life first.  I think that’s smart.”

And with all the excuses or plausible answers swirling in my head, I came upon another while reading a book about happiness by Dennis Prager.  It has to do with counting the cost, since everything has a price.
“One classic example of how important it is to think through the prices paid concerns the question of whether to marry or stay single.  Each has great advantages, and each demands a great price.
If you decide to remain single, you will gain obvious advantages – such as more freedom to do what you please when you please, not having to put up with anyone else’s bad moods and idiosyncrasies (and not having anyone else to confront your bad moods and idiosyncrasies), and freedom to date whomever you want.
On the other hand, if you decide to marry, you will also gain obvious advantages – such as a partner in life, freedom from the dating scene, stability, and the growth that can only come from long-term commitment to another person.
You cannot have all the advantages of each choice.  A good marriage can allow for a fair amount of personal freedom, but no matter how free, a marriage cannot approach the personal freedom of being single.  Likewise, you can have loving relationships if you are single, but they cannot approach the depth that a good marriage can.
A common problem in marriage, as in so many other areas of life, is that too many people want the advantages of being both married and single at the same time.  They refuse to pay the price for being married.  These people – usually men – want the security, the love, and the family that are the results of married life and the personal and sexual freedom that characterize single life.
It takes maturity to recognize that this is impossible.  There is no way to avoid paying some price.  Wise people will weigh the advantages of the married and the single state, take their needs, nature, and values into account, and come to a decision; and once they have decided, they will not spend their time regretting whatever prices they have paid.”

In light of what this author has said, I have weighed the cost.  I’d rather be single and searching than married and miserable, as I’ve always said.  Thus, without the zing-pow that I deem necessary in order for me to pay the cost of marriage, I do not regret being single.

May I see it as a gift and may I use the time wisely, and, if I ever marry, may that man be doing this as well.  Maybe it will be preparing him for all the crazy/mess/fun/bliss/adventure/intimacy/laughs/heartaches/struggles/growth/smiles/vacations/convos that will come with being with me!