Singleness

It’s already happened.  I’ve been here in Iowa for no time at all, and it’s already happened.  I’ve been asked a question.  The seemingly million dollar question about one facet of my life.  The question that, if I had the answer, wouldn’t be asked.  The question for which I know the answer and also do not know the answer.

This happened over the weekend:

“You’re cool … and beautiful.  I just keep asking myself, ‘why is this girl single?’”

First off, I’m thankful to no longer struggle with not fully knowing the answer and no longer thinking it might be due to being inadequate as a person (like something is “wrong” with me) or with personality (everyone loves me and my cuteness, right?!) or even lack of beauty (I mean, just yesterday a nice gentlemen told me I was gorgeous :) blush). 

My answer, this go-around, to the guy posing the somewhat complex question of why I am currently single was simply that I have high standards.  It’s true.  I’m not afraid to say it nor am I afraid to keep them high in order to not settle – best advice from a gem of a friend and many others. 

On the one hand, I don’t think the question should be asked out loud.  On the other hand, I see why it is.  I guess I’ll take it as a compliment, as in “You seem so great!  Why hasn’t a guy caught you already?!” kind of way.  However, your relationship status is just one aspect of life.  There is so much more to life than this one thing!  People can obsess over it, and I have at times, yet life does not begin when the status changes.  Period.

So, I’m choosing to live life as best I can while I am single!  There’s much to be enjoyed as a single, just as there is much to be enjoyed in dating and in marriage.  And recently I was challenged to see singleness as the gift that it is.  As I was listening to a sermon, the pastor stated the secret to knowing if you have the gift of singleness: whether or not you woke up as a single person that morning.  Haha!  If you woke up as a single person, then you have the gift of singleness for the day.  Brilliant.  Now use it wisely.

As a single, I can have singlemindedness.  I have the time, money, energy, etc. to do what I want because I’m not concerned about anyone but myself (no boyfriend or husband, no kids).  With this truth, it is better to ask what I will use my time, money, energy, and other resources for and to know that, ultimately, I can and should “care for the things of the Lord – how I may please the Lord.”  Therefore, I hope while I’m single to grow closer to God, nurture friendships, see my immediate family, develop my professional skills, prepare for the possibility of marriage, and flourish as an individual, to name a few.  I also look forward to the advantages that singleness offers like this travel job, for one, as well as the ability to talk to and do fun things with whomever.  For instance, I’ve had a good many conversations and outings with guys that might not have happened if I were dating, since most my time would be spent with the one I’m dating!  In the end, these things I’ve listed above diminish or go away completely as life dictates and that life can change …and quickly.  So, I want to take advantage of my single time.

I still think that if I weren’t single, I wouldn’t be asked this question and that I might be more enlightened as to why I’ve been single for a while now.  Like I said, I know part of the answer.  And though there is more to it than this, such as guys being flakes (to say the least) and my own flaws, hang-ups, and prejudices that are hindrances, I think it boils down to the fact that there is no zing-pow (this is extremely simplified but my personal favorite theory, since it can encompass all the possible answers into one.  It is like an onion of a theory in that there are many layers to it that reveal things such as what I want and don’t want in a guy, timing, etc).  Then there’s what a friend said, “I don’t think you’re married yet because you want to see the guy in all aspects of life first.  I think that’s smart.”

And with all the excuses or plausible answers swirling in my head, I came upon another while reading a book about happiness by Dennis Prager.  It has to do with counting the cost, since everything has a price.
“One classic example of how important it is to think through the prices paid concerns the question of whether to marry or stay single.  Each has great advantages, and each demands a great price.
If you decide to remain single, you will gain obvious advantages – such as more freedom to do what you please when you please, not having to put up with anyone else’s bad moods and idiosyncrasies (and not having anyone else to confront your bad moods and idiosyncrasies), and freedom to date whomever you want.
On the other hand, if you decide to marry, you will also gain obvious advantages – such as a partner in life, freedom from the dating scene, stability, and the growth that can only come from long-term commitment to another person.
You cannot have all the advantages of each choice.  A good marriage can allow for a fair amount of personal freedom, but no matter how free, a marriage cannot approach the personal freedom of being single.  Likewise, you can have loving relationships if you are single, but they cannot approach the depth that a good marriage can.
A common problem in marriage, as in so many other areas of life, is that too many people want the advantages of being both married and single at the same time.  They refuse to pay the price for being married.  These people – usually men – want the security, the love, and the family that are the results of married life and the personal and sexual freedom that characterize single life.
It takes maturity to recognize that this is impossible.  There is no way to avoid paying some price.  Wise people will weigh the advantages of the married and the single state, take their needs, nature, and values into account, and come to a decision; and once they have decided, they will not spend their time regretting whatever prices they have paid.”

In light of what this author has said, I have weighed the cost.  I’d rather be single and searching than married and miserable, as I’ve always said.  Thus, without the zing-pow that I deem necessary in order for me to pay the cost of marriage, I do not regret being single.

May I see it as a gift and may I use the time wisely, and, if I ever marry, may that man be doing this as well.  Maybe it will be preparing him for all the crazy/mess/fun/bliss/adventure/intimacy/laughs/heartaches/struggles/growth/smiles/vacations/convos that will come with being with me!