Friday, January 19, 2018

Love Is

One night I was driving home while talking to my Mom and, being in an uncharacteristically emotional state, I began to cry.  I was talking to her about my boyfriend.  After hearing me talk through sobs, she asked why I am dating him [still].  I told her three reasons immediately as I wiped tears: 1) he's a good guy and likes me, 2) for some reason, he wants to be with me, and 3) I think I love him. 

What is love, though?  In a sense, I didn't know then and don't feel as though I really know even now.  Or maybe it's more along the lines of the fact that your mind's understanding of things of this nature grows and deepens as you experience them truly or just simply again and again and again.

Most saw love when they grew up with parents and take it for granted, at least I did.  I still see how my parents love me every day as an adult; it's these days of experiencing it over and over that's helped me bring it to spotlight status.  Now, some see and experience love in marriage.  Obviously I'm not there yet, though I see glimpses of true love and my attempts to display it while I'm in the dating camp.  I fail; I even told my boyfriend that I don't love him well and I don't show him God's love ...and again that crying thing happened.  I admit that I am definitely seeing how selfish I am, not loving.  I'm out for me, my comfort and my norm.  It does not go over well. 

Thankfully, I see love and experience love deeply with God.  Jesus loves me.  Jesus loves you.  It's so simple, and yet, we miss it.  I'm given the opportunity to stop and think about it in my organized Bible study and it is so deep and freeing and personable and constant and forever and the list goes on!

Possibly we miss God's love because we are busy with our definition or the worlds definition of it or because we're too busy trying to obtain it from people, pets, places, or pizza.  (I just had to keep going with the p's. Ha!)  Seriously, there are a lot of definitions or pictures of love out in society.  

I think of what the world says love is or how it appears -- acceptance, positivity, surface level, sheer, doing it your way, sex, passion, desire.  Not to mention the unattainable world of Hollywood, Disney, and the like.  Not every scene will burst into song, there are not rainbows and butterflies constantly in the sky, there is not always a knight in shining armor, the guy does not really know your next line or move, there's not always a happily ever after, etc.  You may think I'm terribly depressed and I have no romantic bone in my body but that is false.  I'm just not seeing things with rosy painted glasses.  And let's not begin to talk about the promise of finding love with just a swipe or whatever. 

Moving on, the literal definition of love in Webster's dictionary includes the following:
1. A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
2. A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, friend
3. Sexual passion or desire
4. Affectionate concern for the well-being of others
5. Strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking of anything
I'll let you take that as it is. 

I heard a new definition tonight as love "looking at the highest good of another."  Oh, goodness.  I do not do this.  I am always comparing people to myself -- "I would not say that," "I would never do that," "Well, I would've done it like this" or I would've said this" -- because, obviously, my way is the best way.  Man, my heart is ugly.  Grateful my family, boyfriend, and friends forgive me and show me love! 

My mind is ugly too, but I filled it once with a good book called "Love Does," in which love is portrayed as an action.  I liked it and thought what the author was saying was true.  I just need that lasting and unquenchable example of love in my life. 

So, what does God have to say about love?  He says:
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.  And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  And though I'm still all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.  **Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, it's not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.** 

This is love. And though I have a long way to go, I know God is changing my heart every step of the way.

I know this because God has given me the greatest example, which was giving his Son to die on the cross for my sins.  For God so loved the world that he gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.  

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Warning: Expectations Ahead

Expectations are the bane of my existence.  It seems as though none are met and so they were all bad, doomed from the get-go.  

Actually, it's more like I'm on a huge struggle bus with them and one by one they take the wheel.  They either careen me off the edge of a cliff, smash me into a tree, plow me into a river to slowly drown, or... you get the picture.  The worst news is that it won't stop and I'm not exactly sure how to ensure they will. 

I know that all my needs can't be met by another person or another thing but only in Christ.  I know I am deeply loved by Christ, so I already have the greatest love story.  I know things can be only temporary and can be a source of learning.  I know a lot of truths, honestly, but it's not stopping the blows right now.  Although, it's good to be reminded of them to elevate things, renew ones mind, and know, broadly speaking, "this too shall pass."  

Some things that run through my mind:  I think of my job not being what I expected, my health not being where I expected it to be, my emotions not being at all what I expected, my boyfriend not saying or doing what I expected, and the list goes on.  I'm sure others can relate. 

I'll give a couple, specific examples that come to mind.  One being my health.  I just figured I was in good shape and that my knee was getting better but, according to my handy-dandy, new fitness watch and my episode of sheer pain tonight with my knee, I am absolutely nowhere near where I want to be or expected to be at age 30.  Whoever said their 30s were their best fitness years must be on crack.  The other example is with my boyfriend.  I expected him to be willfully social, for him to always be happy/want to see me, and to talk on the phone.  Yeah, no.

Hear me out, I am healthy overall and my boyfriend does really care about me.  There are seemingly a lot of factors, though I blame those dang expectations!!  (Or maybe just not being able to read my boyfriend's mind or him mine! Ha!)

I've heard expectations are "premeditated resentments."  However, thankfully, I don't think I've gotten that far.  Yet I will say, I have definitely been disappointed.

I thought I'd always be running, whether a marathon or a 5K.  I thought I'd talk to my boyfriend on the phone for hours on end like I did with my high school crush or get a visit with a hug and kiss.  I have my theories as to why none of these  things happen regularly (and why I expect them to happen) but a theory won't necessarily help me decrease the disappointment.

I need help and I'm not afraid to admit it.  Anyone with some biblical wisdom on dealing with expectations, by all means speak up!


Friday, January 12, 2018

Welcome 2018! ...I think

It's 11 days into the new year and I can't decide if I like it.  I have on rotation the following: 
"This is going to be a good year!"
"I've got this!" 
"Chin up, it's only been 11 days." 
"I think it's time Jesus comes back."

Some have New Year's solid resolutions and others simply start the new year fresh, like a clean slate has been given.  While still others see "just another day."  This year, I'm falling into that last camp.  Ugh. 

Don't get me wrong, I have already seen in 11 short days God's goodness through things I've had to work through or through the people God has placed in my life to speak to me.  I have also had a switch flipped at work that includes one thing coming in after the other along with personal disappointment.

Things seem to be in extremes, either high or low, which stinks.  I feel bipolar!  (I'm not but thanks for the concern)  I'll isolate just today.  One low was, when I was filling out a work survey, I couldn't think of what I considered my greatest accomplishment to date.  Nothing came to mind, and I can't even think of what I scrounged up to put even as I'm writing this.  Another low was the feeling of not being loved.  I struggle with "Well, I would that." amongst other things.  Maybe it is true I'd do what I think they should have done but they're not me.  They can't read my mind, and they can't completely fill that hole of mine labeled love.  On the brighter and lighter side, one high was exercising since its a joy and it definitely is a stress reliever.  I went to the pool and talked to a friend and later I had my cycling class, in which I'm pretty sure I killed some people.  I mean, they are just dying to come back!  Haha!  Another high was going to my Bible study and yet another was a combo.  I finished talking with my boyfriend then turned on my music to a song I hadn't heard in forever -- can you say dance party?!

I'll delve into the Bible study, as God's word is always timely.  We are in Romans 8, which is "superlatively great" and this week covered life through the Spirit, our future glory, and being secure in God's love.  There were such good things in the notes!  Some that stuck out to me was "In our Father's hands, even hardship and suffering may surprise us with a deep certainty of God's presence, love and fatherly care" and "Believers cannot be content until we repent and go back to following Jesus" and "Remember that God made you a new creation in Christ with a new identity, new desires and new freedoms for a new destiny."  

Considering my answer to the question "What are you waiting and hoping, and why?" was "I am waiting for no more pain, struggles, or disappointments -- life is hard!" surely demonstrates that I needed this lesson and the above highlights.  A different question asked to reflect on how the Holy Spirit works in a believer's life and the way He has been working in yours through specific verses.  From Romans 8:26-27, it speaks of prayer and not knowing what to say, yet, despite our weakness, God searches the heart and communicates with the Spirit, who intercedes on our behalf.  That is kind of a mystery to me but I do know I don't have all the answers and I know I am weak a lot of the time. 

These truths were good to study, hear, discuss, and read.  The first one listed above about hardships deepening our relationship with God got me.  The other that really tugged at my heart strings was "When God takes us into His family, He welcomes us to approach Him eagerly as our good Father.  Picture the reality of your holy Father looking upon you from heaven declaring, 'That's my child!'"  Not only did I think of the lyrics of the song "Good Good Father," which I like, but also the fact that God loves me as His child and He alone completely fills me in absolutely every life area.  I also found reassurance that God is proud of me, like a father is of his child, for the smallest of things.

Having highs and lows is rough but keeping my eyes on Christ makes me level.  Bring it on 2018!