Failure

Do you feel like you fail?  Like all the time?  Maybe even at the simplest task?  I sure do. 

I was late to a meeting for a slightly embarrassing reason.  I got chided immediately and then later as well.  No one bothered to ask why I was late -- Did I trip and fall?  Did I have a breakdown?  Was I helping someone? -- doesn't matter.  Bottom line: wasn't on time so got reprimanded.  Whatever, move on.

I just want to be home, honestly.  I hope I don't reach the point of absolutely not caring.  In some ways, I'm there now but it could be worse...  and at that point I'm afraid I would not care about a lot of things.  I will do what I want, not what I "should" do.  I will treat others like they treat me, such as ignore, assume the worst, not apologize, not ask for answers, not be nice, etc.  Ultimately, I believe I'd shut people out.

People hurt me again and again.  Circumstances don't lend to good stuff or a good attitude as easily anymore.  Still, I press on. 

Life is hard, and it isn't perfect.  And some of us can fake it til we make it, but I'm not one of those people.  I do try... ha!  But one day I really, really tried I was just a worthless zombie crying incessantly.  So, I majorly failed at keeping my cool.

As a Christian, I feel it's my duty to be like Christ but I fail all the time at this, too.  I'm angry, frustrated, and  easily annoyed, at the moment.  I'm not being positive or nice to most.  I'm not being grateful whatsoever. 

I take it out my ugly on people I love, and I'm not proud of it.  I'm about to marry someone in the same boat.  Heaven help us.  Two very flawed people trying to get through the mess, of one another and of life.

We each have battles.  I'd thought we'd wage most together but I don't know.  I know I wish I could be with him now as I assume he is grieving.  I know I wish I several things... In the end, I know I still cling to God and and to the fact my guy says, "I love God and I love you," even if it isn't always conveyed or I don't want to believe it because of what's going on inside me. 

There is a lot going on inside me.  Clearly.  Life is messy but I want to go through it with my guy and God; we both have hang-ups but are willing to take a leap of faith together.  I'm going to continue to work on myself.

Obviously, not every day is doomed, not every person is on my bad list, and not every emotion is legit.  This is just a more difficult life season, and that's okay.  I press on with Christ.

God knows me better than anyone, and He knows what I need to be dependent on Him.  Read that one again.  God knows I'm weak on my own but He makes me strong and enabled.  God knows how to love me best and does so; He is my best friend and lover.  God gives me the power to forgive, to be renewed, to be who He's called me to be.  He also knows what I'm not getting from others and fills the void.


Philippians 3:10-12
[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]

That if possible I may attain to the [spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].

Not that I have now attained [this ideal], or have already been made perfect, but I press on to lay hold of (grasp) and make my own, that for which Christ Jesus (the Messiah) has laid hold of me and made me His own.


Philippians 4:12-13
I know how to be abased and live humbly in straitened circumstances, and I know also how to enjoy plenty and live in abundance. I have learned in any and all circumstances the secret of facing every situation, whether well-fed or going hungry, having a sufficiency and enough to spare or going without and being in want.

I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency].

Assurance

Have you ever taken the love languages quiz or read the book?  I've taken it several times and get the same thing each time.  I'm not surprised and find stuff like that helpful in understanding yourself and others, if they participate.

My greatest ones are words [of affirmation] and quality time.  In case you don't know, the remaining ones are gifts, physical touch, and acts of service.  I have a bit of all, like most, but definitely have my top ones that make me feel loved, important, cared for, special, etc.

My Mom and I were talking one day about how I had received affirmations in different ways all growing up.  Grades were a big one and a long-standing one at that.  Good grades told me I was a good student.   Others would be being told I was a good at sports, a good kid from other parents, the great server, a good worker, a good runner, and a good RA.

Nowadays, I don't have such a direct and consistent way to be told I'm doing a job well done, except by maybe my parents and work reviews at a yearly evaluation.

Maybe that is a natural progression but it stinks.  I see the lack of positive affirmations in all areas of life taking its toll.  It is unfortunately compounded  when being bombarded with feelings of the opposite -- feeling I'm not measuring up or feeling I'm not getting any positive responses at all. 

Sometimes I don't understand why I need assurance and wish I didn't. 

I think the boost, as I call it, eases some anxiety that I'm not doing a good job. It's feedback, whether positive (boost) or negative (something to work on). I don't know if I've ever been in the middle, really, so  wouldn't know what to do with that.  Much less how to get there.

Truly, I believe I swing between the positive and negative poles.  I want to be in the positive because it's positive (duh) and my language but don't receive constistent praise.  I try to give it but that doesn't seem to help.  I go to the negative then because what's left? and there is always room for improvement in my world.

It's not an awesome way to live, flipping between the two.  Who wants to constantly be working on everything that is presumed to be wrong or who wants to be frustrated by not receiving some needed praise?  Both are kinda depressing.

All I've got now to try to break the bad cycle is to give myself God's affirmations of who I am, per advice, and what popped into my head, called contentment.  Here's to cultivating that!  Suggestions appreciated.