Friday, April 20, 2018

Sleep Naked

Roomies gone?  Check.
Dance party?  Check.
Hmm, what else to do?  See title. ;)

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Hurting

I've become way more aware of people's struggles and people who are hurting.  I probably haven't felt this way since losing my brother, Jordan.  I'm just really, really sad, and I look and see hurting people all around me. 

Whether it's hurting in marriage or hurting because of getting out of a marriage or whether it's losing a loved one or the thought of losing a loved one, people are hurting in many ways all the time. 

I think of that quote that basically says you don't know what people are going through so be kind.  It's true.  Unless they open up or something explicit happens for you to know, you would never know.  People can be really good at hiding what's wrong. 

I suppose since I've opened up about my relationship that has ended right now and the hope I still have, others have shared their struggles with me.  It not only helps me know that I'm not alone but it helps me to know how to pray.

As I've been scrolling through pictures and thinking of memories, I pray every day for the man I dated -- for many things but one is for God's will to be done.  Honestly, I used to pray about one thing in particular but, since talking to a friend, I think I can more simply pray "God's will be done" and be confident that God is truly at work to accomplish it in his life.  And mine.  And yours. 

It's hard to lose someone so close to you, someone you love.  It's hard for you to see someone close suffering.  It's hard to feel tortured in your own mind or home or life.

And yet, prayer changes things.  When there's nothing left to do, pray.  Cry out to God, for he hears His children and will answer.  But also, know that He will wipe away every tear and make every wrong right, in His timing. 

I don't have all the answers; I don't have something witty to say.  In fact, I usually I don't know what to say.  For some, I can actually extend a hug. For others, it is all I can do to say that I hurt with them and for them.  And that I'll definitely be praying for them.

I know so many have been praying for me and I can feel it.  I am very grateful.  And I try to do the same for them. 


Friday, April 6, 2018

The Relationship Cake

There once was a baking class, an epic baking class, that a Master Baker offered on an ongoing basis.  He would let you in no matter what!  There weren't any prerequisites or prior baking skills necessary, no certain GPA or test score needed.  People just had to enroll.  So sweetly simple. 

In the class at the same time were two particular young bakers.  They were thrilled to be in the class and to team up for an assignment to create a spectacular cake.  They could've chosen anyone in the class but they chose each other.  The young man was loyal, faithful, protective, a giver, a leader, generous, logical, a hard worker, long-suffering, thoughtful, smart, handsome, honest, and chivalrous among many other qualities and gifts.  The young woman was loyal, faithful, positive, a giver, discerning, generous, logical, a hard worker, encouraging, talkative, caring, smart, honest, pretty, and adventurous among many other qualities and gifts. 

The young woman began by asking other bakers and the Master Baker what they thought.  They approved of the young man.  So, she proceeded... with warning the young man that this cake would take awhile and had specific instructions, a specific recipe.  He said he was all in. 

They began!  They talked a bit about how they wanted the end cake to look like and who's other creations they had seen in the class to possibly try to mimic.  They schemed about what to put in the cake to make it delicious.  They picked out a mixer, measuring cups galore, spatulas, pans a plenty, different flours, all the sugars, eggs, baking powder and soda, and expensive vanilla.  Those were the basics; they were ready to start.  Later, they knew they could request other ingredients or search the classroom, since it offered the most exquisite ones imaginable!  

The days flew.  They were filled with fun.  She sifted flours and asked questions, while he measured and easily placed items in a bowl.  She added things, he added things.  He even teased about putting in crazy foods, so she threw flour at him.  A mini food fight ensued.  

The weeks flew.  They were filled with work.  Fondant was rolled out, sugar creations were painfully crafted, and the timeline was reviewed.  In the kitchen, the young man and woman did not always accept the others ideas or ingredients.  Shocker.  They poked at each other's cake layers, which is necessary to see if it's cooked through but can be exhausting.  However, both added stuff without the other knowing!  So, sometimes they took time to talk and see what the other had in mind, and forgiveness was requested and given.  They got the item out of the batter and started over in love.  They knew the other wasn't perfect but they made a good teammate.  Still, they were smart and asked other bakers for advice in order to make a great cake.  

One day, a layer of cake was about to go in the oven to bake.  The guy wanted it to bake 30 minutes but the gal was sure it would take 40 minutes.  They were at an impasse.  

She simply stated that right now it wasn't the right time.  It was hard to say and hard to swallow.  It was confusing and crushing.  

And that's where the story ends.  The young bakers' cake was not finished.  They didn't blame the other but had to wait.  Each needed to re-evaluate with the Master Baker's recipe.  


Relationships are like cake.  They can be great, even spectacular.  They're fun to make at times, while other times you gotta really focus to put in the seemingly perfect measure. 

Bakers aren't perfect but the Master Baker, Jesus Christ, most certainly is. 

In my dating relationship, what I wanted and what my guy wanted were good; we both wanted a wedding cake in the end.  We both stayed true to ourselves and changed  in many, good ways during our journey together.  We learned a lot and did our best for the other. 

We had fun (hiking, helicopter rides, skiing, etc), we said sweet things (I read my Valentine's Day card basically everyday thereafter), we fought, we cried, we made up, we watched shows, we drove miles and miles, we listened, we cleaned up messes, we said I love you, we laughed, we stared at each other, we made funny noises (okay he did!), we played, we camped, we laughed...

I do not regret anything I said or did or the time we shared.  We let each other into our lives and are better for it.  I will take the blame for taking so long, for struggling.  I wanted it to work; I wanted the cake so bad. 

It's not the right time for us and that's okay.  It still hurts ...a lot.  Though, I'd rather break a bone and have it mend  now in the grand scheme of life versus potentially have years of resentment, years of heartache, years of not feeling good enough, years of unwanted questions, years of not appreciating each other, years of feeling like we're not getting wants/needs met.

We both may not fully understand right now why the relationship had to end, but I am confident that one day we will.

I hope we both go to God in our hurt, anger, confusion -- any emotion or thought -- for answers and evaluation.  I hope we both can be exceedingly happy in the future, whatever happens.  I hope, as we go to God and godly friends, we get to know Jesus better and love Him more each day, for each of those relationships to be deeper and richer.  I hope we both know we're in God's hands and loved by Him just the way we are and well beyond any love either could ever give the other. 


Monday, April 2, 2018

Happy Easter

This year, I was away from my family but spend the holiday with friends.  I am grateful.  I ended up keeping myself busy by going to a church service Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.   That doesn't happen often, ha!  Each were great in their own right. 

I liked all the songs we sang on Good Friday.  I liked the question and answer mini session on Saturday that was different but eye-opening to see that people are hurting and going through all sorts of life events.  So, I'm not alone.  

The message that day was about how Jesus overcame the obstacle of death so that we can be overcomers, while also touching on the fact that Peter was specifically called out, which is important because he denied Christ.  Peter had messed up but God still choose to use him.  We, in turn, can have hope.  Then Sunday's sermon was about Christ's resurrection.  All I can say is praise God we, as Christians, serve a living God!

All of this was great and kept me busy, in a good way.  I was able to catch up with friends and see some of them, too.  Yet, I think the big takeaway for me this weekend was seeing the movie "I can only imagine."

First, I highly recommend going to see it.  Second, I didn't know what to expect exactly since I hadn't seen a preview, but the song with the same title came to mind.  It is in fact about that song -- how the man who wrote and sings it came to be that man.  

It's an incredible and powerful true story about forgiveness, redemption, and God's power to change people.  I don't wanna give away too much in case you see it but the man who sings that song is in the band Mercy Me, who overcame the obstacle of anger, hurt, rejection, and more towards his Dad to be able to forgive and love his Dad in the end. 

He was changed by God.  His Dad was changed by God.  I love that!  God can truly do anything!  He can take the lowest person or the most self-righteous person or the most hurting person or the most angry person or the most fake person or the most questioning person or the most doubting person or the seemingly most undeserving person… it doesn't matter!  Christ changes lives and restores relationships.  

We have to listen to truth, to His Word.  And guess what?  The process isn't always awesome.  It will take some work or time to listen to that still, small voice and respond.  It will hurt to dig up past offenses, past hurts, past sins.  But one must in order to work through them with Christ. 

The end result is beyond worth it.  

The man who sings that song reaped the reward of a restored relationship with his Dad, relationship with the woman he loved, and relationship with God.  It's beautiful.  And his story didn't end there. 

We are overcomers in Christ alone. 

I am overcoming a broken heart right now and pray that the man whose heart I broke is also mended through and by God and that we both go to God wholeheartedly.  I know healing will happen with time.  Maybe we'll be like this singer/songwriter and we both change for the better by God and reunite down the road of life or maybe God just uses the relationship we had as a catalyst for Him as we go separately into the future.  I don't know.  I don't know if we both will go to God or what the future holds but I'm choosing to trust God. 

Another life example of spectacular change is when I uncovered that I was actually an angry person.  Surface level, I would have never ever said I was angry but when I went to God, began reading and studying about anger, and peeling back the layers, I could see anger was an issue in my life.  It was rough.  

The truth will always come out.  Some signs of pent up anger are weight gain, intense fatigue, and memory loss.  I had those.  Some causes of anger are broken expectations, blocked goals, and effects of others sin upon your life.  I had those.  A progression is bitterness, resentment, turning into vengeance, then hatred and gratefulness, loss of hope, loss of faith, depression, and finally death.  I had progressed to quite a few of those. 

Recognizing my anger and dealing with it properly was the only way to go; I had to "give your feelings of anger, hurt, and disappointment to God."  I evaluated my anger and forgave the offender through Christ. 

My bucket of anger that I had been slowly putting drops into over the years was full and then I dumped the bucket out completely.  It felt so good!  Now, to prevent anger, I ask for God's help, I spent time in His Word, I pray, I cultivate a spirit of gratitude and humility, I get adequate rest, I try not to do too much in too little time, I look at vulnerable areas and deal with them, I keep short accounts, and I try not to take someone else's responsibility. 

I'm happy to say I have been so much happier, physically felt lighter like a weight was lifted, feel as though I have truly forgiven people and could love them and show love to others better, and I knew I was closer to God for dealing with those sins. 

Overcoming.  Seeing and embracing change.  Being redeemed.  All these things and more because of Christ, His work on the cross and his rising from death that I celebrate today and beyond!