Public Apology

Well, "you reap what you sow" is true.

I had a hurtful situation go down and thought about it.  In doing so, I realized I do the same thing to my Mom a lot.

Sometimes when I talk to her on the phone, I try and do more than one thing (i.e. multitask).  Sometimes it is just fine but a lot of the time I have to stop what I'm doing and give my full attention to the conversation, what I am saying and what she saying.

When I get super distracted and can't form a sentence, she gets frustrated and hurt.  She usually says something or hangs up asking me to call after I finish what I'm doing.  I used to get frustrated with this because I thought she was being a little on the ridiculous side but, now that it happens to me often, I see where she is coming from and agree.

Honestly, now, I don't care if I think I can do multiple things at once.  Bottom line: it is rude and disrespectful not to give someone your full attention.

How would you like it if someone couldn't give you even 10 minutes of their undivided attention when you need it and expect it, and possibly have a time crunch to get it?

That, on top of the fact that I say I love my Mom and she is in fact important to me.

Yeah, I'm not exactly showing that in a way she will believe.

I'm sorry, Mom. I'm working on myself.

LOVE-ly Ideas

"Love is choosing to give another person what they need the most when they deserve it the least, at great personal cost."

Wait, what?

I hadn't heard this definition for love ever until a few days ago while listening to a podcast on marriage.  I don't like it.  I prefer the fairy tale version of love because it doesn't include dying to yourself.  Am I right?  I guess God truly does give you what you need at the right time.

I say that because it's true.  I had to apply the quote a couple days after hearing it.  My fiancé asked me to do something most difficult.  He basically asked for me to be okay with less communication due to life being fun at the moment and making talk-time more challenging.  At first, I was slightly defensive.  I knew I had already been trying to be better about that exact thing so I felt I needed to tell him so (um, yeah, didn't need to do so), and I also knew our communication was already low, which I don't like to say the least.

Do I think he deserves me doing this?  No.
Is it very costly to me?  Yes.
Do I love him and want to show him?  Yes.

So, here we are!  Chugging along by God's grace.

And it's definitely God working in me and through me.  It's not that I don't struggle, I do.  There are times I just want to hear his voice, be given a hug, or talk about things in real time.  I don't entirely like what's going on but it is more about knowing God can help me accomplish any task -- no matter the difficulty, length of time it takes, or how I feel.

Another additional line spoken in the podcast was along the thoughts of, it's not all about what your partner gives you and whether you're being fulfilled, which made me stop and confess this is sometimes how I operate.  Another line was, "choose to give your mate what they need even if you get nothing back."  That is one of the hardest things to swallow and wrap my mind around.  And, of course, do.  What??  Nothing back?!  No love, no communication, no nothing?!  How can I do that?  Why would I do that??

My mind easily goes into the crazies, like "if I don't talk, he'll think it's okay to have such lack of communication and we'll hardly ever talk again!" or worse.  That thinking isn't very loving towards him or even myself, though.  Besides, I don't believe they will come true or are true.  Yet, even if they are, God is enough.  God loves me that deeply.  I have to remind myself so much so that He sent His only Son to die for my sins in order for me to have a wonderful, thriving relationship with Him again.  All glory and praise to God.

The time apart from my guy has been good, actually.  Hard but good.  Time to think, time to make friends, time to pray, time to miss my guy, time to do new things, time to be excited about the wedding, and time to just be myself kinda by myself.

That last part has to do with yet another part of the podcast, which was talking about what to do to be the "right" person for your spouse/potential spouse.
The "right" formula:
1) become the right person -- Ephesians 4
2) walk in love
3) fix your hope on God and seek to please Him in the relationship
4) when failure occurs, repeat steps 1-3

I'm focusing more on this list as of late, among other things.  I realized I'm not doing a great job at all of them.  What can I say?  I don't want to be stagnant or mediocre.  I'm always trying to learn, grow, and better myself ... with God.

Shut up and Color

Shut up and color.
Don't say anything. It's still in A.
Go with the flow.
Let it go.
Just play nice.

I've heard a lot of phrases like these before.  Some of them I can actually do now but it is not natural. 

I see more so now that I don't do injustices very well, whether real or imagined.  I don't exactly endure them gracefully, either.  If I did or didn't focus so much on myself, I think I might could have inched us closer to world peace!

I remember being in grade school and playing sharks and minnows.  I set my sites on the fastest kid; I was going to get him.  I was elated when I actually did!  It was slight but noticeable, reaching out my small hand in a desperate attempt to get a piece of clothing or something.  I got him right before he hit the wall to be safe, and then he turned around to face my triumphant, "I got you!" only to say he did not, in fact, get tagged.  I hit him.  "Now you're tagged," I said angrily.  Unfortunately, the teacher only saw me hit the liar in the arm and sat me in time out. 

Clearly hitting someone is not the best response to being told you are not right when you, in fact, are.  Eh, I had older brothers; I could take it.  I can say that is not my approach now nor ever after that day.

I might not have outgrown it, though.  In high school, I would insist that what I had as an answer was truly correct.  Because it was correct.  One of my favorite teachers said one day after being basically interrogated, "you still have an A."  I did care about that but I also cared about being right, if I was right (and thus getting the points).  Heck, I did it at least once in college and it worked!  That B became an A because I had the nerve to talk to the professor and  explain my thinking instead of acepting the grade I was given.

In this adult life, there are injustices and it doesn't seem to matter what I think.  I'm harshly learning to "let it go" and "shut up and color" on all sorts of levels.

I described my current status to a friend as sinking in a boat with someone you love.  You are both sinking, both in a similar bind with the same resources and desire to get out.  The problem is you have to rely on each other despite the fact they are sitting next to you in the same mess.  Another problem to see is you also need someone else to help (i.e. God).

The sinking won't last forever and I'm drifting more  and more into the "don't panic, just breathe" stage with the "look at me and repeat, 'we're going to make it'" stage coming in hot, so that's good.  Then I hope the "I see land!" part is to come, which would be terrific.

God has been there all along to help.  Do I accept the offer always?  No.  I like to hit people because I want to be right, remember?  I like to complain and think of hate letters to write, too.  "I'll give this organization a piece of my mind!!" as if that will do much of anything.  At the level I'm talking, probably not.  My grade won't change for the better... Boo.

There are a lot of things I want or want done differently.  I am not blaming myself or my significant other; I suppose I'm more upset and angry with the process/situation.  Maybe I'm just in time out, haha!

Nonetheless, I'll keep pressing on.

Philippians 3:8-14
Yes, furthermore, I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth, and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him [of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly]. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish (refuse, dregs), in order that I may win (gain) Christ (the Anointed One),

And that I may [actually] be found and known as in Him, not having any [self-achieved] righteousness that can be called my own, based on my obedience to the Law's demands (ritualistic uprightness and supposed right standing with God thus acquired), but possessing that [genuine righteousness] which comes through faith in Christ (the Anointed One), the [truly] right standing with God, which comes from God by [saving] faith.

[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]

That if possible I may attain to the [spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].

Not that I have now attained [this ideal], or have already been made perfect, but I press on to lay hold of (grasp) and make my own, that for which Christ Jesus (the Messiah) has laid hold of me and made me His own.

I do not consider, brethren, that I have captured and made it my own [yet]; but one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,

I press on toward the goal to win the [supreme and heavenly] prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward.

Just Gotta Go

After drinking about 12 cups of water in roughly 15 hours and sleeping due to being sick, I realize the human body is incredible.  I'm feeling better!  I also realize I do not control my bladder.  My bladder controls me.

It's like I'm speed walking to the bathroom and can't even wait for the door to shut before I plop down on the seat.  Man!  I have to go instantly.  No one else is around, praise God.  Otherwise, they'd be getting a show they don't want.  And heaven knows I wouldn't be able to wait in line!

I'm only in my 30s, for goodness sake, and definitely not preggo.  It only gets worse from here, right?  That is a sad, sad truth.

I remember laughing as a kid when my Mom had to go so bad.  Sorry, Mom.  It was funny.

Now I'm hearing about my nephew being potty trained.  He'll lift his arms over his head, triumphantly, while saying, "I did it!"  Apparently, he overhead my brother once and said, "You did it, Daddy!"  Hahaha!!

Being praised for going to the bathroom typically only happens when you're young.  Having an accident may be at any age.  Ugh.  Then there's laughs, sheer panic, mad dashes, complete misses, the "gotta go" dances, and more.

We've all been there...