I've Got the [Man] Flu

The Urgent Care PA says "good luck" every time I leave.  I feel like what he's really saying is, "Good luck. ...Don't die."

Well, I know I won't die suddenly because of whatever I'm currently fighting but maybe it is speeding up the process...!  I am pretty miserable with a nasty cough, super runny nose, congested everywhere, incessant headache, mild chest pain, ect.  I've gone to urgent care more in the past month then, oh, ever and I'm taking more medicine now than I ever have in my life!

I feel as though I don't complain too much about being sick or not feeling well.  I have my examples.  Though, I would like some sympathy every once in awhile.  And complaining and wanting sympathy have definitely been happening lately!  Those are just the facts.

I have been battling sinus infection after sinus infection and now whatever probable virus that's been passed along to me.  The days have been long and pain-filled on many levels, to say the least.  The unrecognizable voice that's coming out of my mouth is weird and the utterly fuzzy thoughts and speech are highly annoying.  Producing mucus the size of a quarter or dime in the mornings and having a chest pain I've never experienced in my life are astonishing.  I don't remember the last time I've had so many tickles in my throat making me cough or the last time I've consumed such an enormous amount of cough drops.  

The thought just occurred to me that I'm basically one step away from being in my patient's shoes.  Or I am in some of their shoes, just I choose not to go to the hospital for what plagues me, ha!

And yet, the show must go on!  I still have to dress myself, go to bed early, clean my apartment, cook meals for myself (and sometimes the boy gets them too), wake up and go to work, and so on.  Yeah, my boss still accepts me to do my job, my guy still expects me to do stuff for him, and I still expect myself to do things.  Weird.  The world should stop and I should be in my bed.  Duh. 

However, my guy tries to be  nice and do some things for me (pay back for when he was sick, ha!) and I've definitely been better about foregoing things and getting rest.  

There's no real moral to this story.  If you can think of one, lemme know.  

Hmm, maybe it is just avoid getting sick. :P  

Women Really Are From Venus

I just attended one of the best weddings!  Not only did I know both the bride and groom, which is always awesome, but my guy came with me to enjoy the harmonious event.  I have to admit that it was basically the wedding I would want -- lots of love, lots of friends and family, super fun reception, and beautiful ceremony in which the pastor did a great job incorporating the biblical roles of man and wife along with the different types of love and blending it all together with how marriages need Christ, how we all need Christ.

It was special, and I'm very happy for them.  I look forward to my own wedding, whether the groom does or not (Is a man ever interested in a wedding?!) and now have some new vigor for planning and prepping for it!

So, the planning is getting a venue,  guest list, florist, etc. and some of the prepping comes with premarital stuff, which brings me to the sequel,  in a sense, to the "Men Really Are From Mars" post.

I felt compelled to read the book that actually pertained to me.  I also slowed my reading of the other relationship books and started asking my guy questions to get his personal response/needs.  So, yes, I stopped skimming "For Guys Only" (and pestering my guy to read it no matter how beneficial I think it may be -- you can only change myself, right?) and finished reading "For Women Only."

In short, there weren't any majorly new concepts about men I hadn't already known.  However, I did get a few new answers or ways to approach said concepts.

I suppose I think of the fact you should treat others how you want to be treated.  However, it was recently brought to my attention that this might not be a brilliant philosophy, basically because everyone does want to be treated differently (like I might want to be given a hug so give one but the other person receiving that hug may actually want to not be touched).  Anyway, that's not the point of this blog or the book, so moving on...

The book quickly goes into 8 "revelations:"
Men need respect
Men are insecure
Men avoid issues by 'checking out'
Men are providers
Men want more sex
Men are visual
Men are unromantic
Men care about appearance
and gives a small "what that means in practice" statement before delving into each more deeply.  For example, the simple explanation for "men need respect" is that "men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected;" "men want more sex" is that "your desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well being and confidence in all areas of his life;" "men avoid issues..." is that men address issues by first pulling away to process and think -- so they can better talk about them later;" and the statement "men are unromantic" is explained as  "actually most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways than women) and want to be romantic -- but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed."

The book also clearly states the content is not to bash men but to reveal men's wiring, acknowledges that there are exceptions, is not saying how your man should relate to you, etc.  I'd say I feel the book is very much about spouse to spouse relations, not any and all relations, such as co-workers or family.  I also noticed statements that could be true for most anyone, such as "they want to come home to a totally accepting environment, where they can safely let their guard down" (who doesn't want that?! Or search and long for it?) and "if [a man] knows that the person who knows him best believes in him, he is empowered to do better in every area of his life" (wouldn't most people, if this were true?).  Furthermore, the book makes this point which I think is so, so true: "each of us can adapt and do things that are important for our mates, even when they don't come naturally."

This brings up the issue that sometimes I feel it doesn't matter how much I want to try to understand a guy if they don't care to know how I tick, in return.  There won't be mutual understanding without effort and hard work.  Sounds like a two-way street, like a relationship, huh?

I still dove in.  Surely all this study will help.

So, to begin, the biggest thing a man needs -- according to this book and other sources I've gleaned from over the years -- is respect.  "A man deeply needs the woman in his life to respect his knowledge, opinions, and decisions -- what I (the author) would call his judgment."  In respecting his abilities, men want to figure things out for themselves and, if women "help," it equates to distrust.  So, ladies, just let him do it.  Beyond that, I thought what the author said about it being harder to not show disrespect, that this takes more effort, is true.  I do respect my guy but asked about ways he interprets disrespect from me and it was helpful.

Other sections of the book just got me riled up.  And not in a good way.  The part about men basically having a Rolodex of images of women in their mind because "they're visual" is hard to swallow.  First, most women do not have this issue so it's very difficult to fathom for me.  Second, it makes you think about society being so sex driven and how that's actually harmful.  This is sad.  There's a lot more temptation and ads and whatnot bombarding our minds and thoughts.  There is a battle, whether you admit it or not.  Third, I wish men's minds were pure and their thoughts were for their wife alone as it was intended by God, I believe.  Fourth, I can understand to an extent that this is "normal" but in some ways where do excuses stop?  You were looking (or worse) at a lady who isn't your significant other.  The end.  Fess up, ask for forgiveness, and actively do something to not have it happen again or repeatedly.  "Hopefully, the man denies himself that short-term rush in order to honor God, his wife, or his mental purity and thus establish deeper pleasure down the road."  Fifth, the book tries to give encouragement like "this doesn't impact his feelings for you," "it's not because of you," and that you should pray for him (as well as yourself).  Yes, one should pray.

Side note: I've been praying (simply talking to God) a lot more lately about all sorts of life things and it works.

There were some striking things in the book, such as the way a woman chooses to love her man in the way he needs, about dwelling on images and thoughts of other women or dismissing them, a woman's effort in appearance mattering, and how a man's need to provide weighs him down.  "Okay, if you're like me, you probably been viewing your man sexual need as mostly physical -- important, yes, but probably also optional. ... But once you realize that your man is actually saying, 'This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and it's critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,' well... that suddenly puts it in a different category."  Let me tell ya, there have definitely been times when I do not/have not had this point of view about a guy and sex.  Lots could be said here but I'll move onto another fact I found fascinating, which was "although few men can stop an involuntary image from popping up in their heads, and few men can stop themselves from wanting to look, they can (and often do) exercise the discipline to stop themselves from actually doing so.  On the survey, the biggest factor in whether a man made this choice wasn't whether he was older, married, or happy in his relationship.  It was whether he regularly attended religious services."  Wow.  A single positive changing factor on this one issue.  I believe because God addresses your thought life and your purity.  Second to last observation was  supposedly a woman making the effort to look good makes her man feel loved and cared for.  "Consider one husband's honest comment: my wife is trying to slim down right now, and it makes me feel like a million bucks.  I know she's also doing it for herself, but the fact that she cares about how she looks as a total turn-on, if you want to know the truth.  I tell her all the time how much I appreciate the work she's putting into this."  For me, I feel like I already make a big effort in how I look (role reversal??  Ha!), so we'll have to wait to see if it comes true in my relationship (likely after pregnancy and so on).  Finally, "being a provider appears to be at the core of a man's identity as a male and as a person of worth: he feels that to be a man, he needs to be a provider."  Yikes.  That seems a heavy burden and one to become a potential idol so I agree with this: "we should appreciate our mate's drive to work, provide, and succeed as long as they maintain some balance and the home relationships remain strong."

All of the readings have been very interesting.  And at times, I feel like I put some of those "so how do we (as women) respond?" suggestions into practice and they do not work.  Other times, I read a page and then practically scream I want "that" and don't even get it! 

Live, learn, talk, and move on, I guess, but sometimes I think I can know all about a guy from reading but really I'll never truly know because I'm a woman.  Truthfully, I thought once I'd like to think like a guy for just a day to see what it's like!  Wouldn't that be something.

Nonetheless, it's been enlightening to read books and learn, and talk and ask questions with my guy.  I know more will come.  Bless the ears who will listen or get yanked to do so!

I Just Don't Wanna

When was the last time you had to do something you didn't want to do?

If you're anything like me, it was probably just a few hours ago!

I was in my nice warm apartment, had just gotten out of my nice warm shower, and was getting into my nice warm PJs.  Yet I knew I should get out in the cold to take the trash out.

Obviously, I did not want to do it.  It wouldn't take too long but I did not want to be inconvenienced or be taken away from my warmth and comfort.

Sound familiar?  Well, what if I added another layer?  What if, on top of the fact that you didn't want to do some act, you were doing it for someone else? 

Yep, I was taking out the trash for my fiance, so had to trek outside and then drive to the house.

Eventually I was convicted by the verse that you should put others above yourself:  "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭2:3-4‬ ‭

I see a lot of my selfishness these days, likely because I'm in a relationship.  It's not awesome to see the not-so-pretty side of yourself.  But if I didn't, I wouldn't have the need for Jesus to save me from my sins, whether selfishness, pride, unbelief, lack of self control, worry, or the flavor of the day.

I was taking out the trash and being inconvenienced for my guy.  This is not the first time nor will it be the last time.  I pray my attitude will be different next time, though.  I pray I would be more grateful that I get to serve him and do it in joy.

I also thought of the of the fact that vindication comes from God.  Let me add another layer by asking, what if you didn't get the same in return? What if the other person wouldn't be inconvenienced for you?

This may happen.  Just because you do something nice for someone doesn't mean they're going to do something nice in return.  Yet, as Christian, I am called to the above verse, to look to others interests.

True confession that the thought I wouldn't be "paid back" crossed my mind.  I thought, "What if he just takes my inconvenience for granted, my serving him for granted and does not do the same for me?"  Don't get me wrong... He doesn't purposely smite me, ha!  But reality is that his selfishness has happened and it will happen again, just like mine.

However, that is not a reason to not serve another person or to not show them love, especially the love of Christ.  Honestly, I had to pray about my thoughts and my attitude.  I also had to forgive him for the incident that crossed my mind, where I felt slighted, and try to think the best of him.

No one is flawless.  I'm working on mine everyday by and with God's grace.  I'm thankful for His guidance and His mercy, and the Holy Spirit for bringing the not-so-pretty stuff to light  to be purged in order to be more Christ-like. 

It is a process and at times painful, but I'm not alone and it is worth it!

Big Brothers

Year after year, I get to stop and think of my brothers, especially my oldest.  I paused today, on the day of his death, to not only call my Mom and talk about him but to also think: it's weird that some people don't even know that I have any siblings.  They only know me.  Then some only know Jacob, who blessed me by face-timing yesterday with me.  But then there are some very fortunate souls who have known both Jordan and Jacob.

It's also strange when a small portion of your day just freezes but the day goes on.  People have no idea what you're thinking or even to ask about what happened so long ago.  It just seems so immediate in that moment.

That happened today.  But there are other moments I think of my brother Jordan, like when a veteran recently died and the casket was being brought down the hallway or when a family member reads the annual poem on holiday.  I guess I think about him most when I hear or see other deaths, though.

During the day, as I said, I thought about the fact that  some people have no idea I had a brother and about the fact that he will not get to meet important people in my life until we join him in heaven.  I know my other family members feel the same.  That is sad.

As I write this, though, I think of the fact I never question that he loved me dearly or was proud of me because he always told me so.  He was also so lavish with compliments on how pretty I was and lavish with hugs and kisses.  I didn't realize how spoiled I was back then, and it does pain me that I took it for granted.  Wish I could get a hug now...

Jordan was so special.  He was loved by many and truly touched everyone he came in contact with.  There are countless stories from countless people who all sing the same song.  That is amazing.  I hope whenever I go that my life will prove no different.

Men Really Are From Mars

I've been reading a lot more lately because
1. I've been meaning to get back to it
2. I do enjoy it and, depending on the genre/material, I definitely learn something
3. I'm enduring a schedule change that allows it -- and there's only so much Trivia Crack you can play in one day ;)

To catch you up to speed, I'm actually pretty busy throughout the day at work, which is a nice change.  It's just that my fiance's schedule has changed, so it feels like I went into a long distance relationship overnight.  Oh wait, I really did. 

So, I naturally have more time on my hands in the evenings to do stuff, and I've decided to read and obviously get back to blogging.  Yay! 

For reading, I've been hooked on marriage books, though they talk about men and women in general and relationships in general, too.  I'm drawn to them at the moment because of premarital counseling and because I find it fascinating to learn about men and women and how God created us.

I thought I knew some stuff about guys... I do have a Dad and brothers and thought I knew enough, but, now that I'm in a long-term relationship, I'm learning I don't know as much as I thought!  I'm learning a lot now!  Sometimes the hard way.

I know some relationship woes are because of sin, because of personality differences, because of different backgrounds/upbringings, because of age, etc.  I'm seeing some of all of the above. And so I am reading.

Books are telling me that women like to work on the relationship and men don't.  Books are telling me that men are takers and women are givers.  Books are telling me that men and women think differently.  Books are telling me that men and women communicate differently.  I could go on... and I agree with all of these statements.  And some of them are very, very much seen in everyday life.

It's not that I didn't know all of that before but maybe more on the surface level, like those statements.  The books, thankfully, dive in deeper.  For this reason (and others, let's be real!)  I wish my guy would read just one of them!  Ha!

I, of course, think they would help ours and any relationship leaps and bounds since they describe why a woman is the way she is and why a man is the way he is.  It's not rocket science in my book, but the way my female mind works when it's compared to his is sometimes hard to swallow.  It's definitely something I have to re-read or remind myself again about or go through scenarios or whatever.  It's also definitely hard in the heat of the moment to remember his mind and, thus, actions and words, can be quite different from my female ones.

A simple biological example from the book entitled, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, is this:
"Somewhere between 18 and 26 weeks into a pregnancy, a male's baby hormones start to kick in gear and the results are significant.  The bundle of nerve fibers connecting the right and left hemispheres of the brain starts to disintegrate.  This causes a breakdown of communication between the two hemispheres.  This is important because of the activity that takes place in these two hemispheres.  The left side of the brain has the logic and reasoning centers of the brain.  The right side houses emotions, feelings, judgments about beauty, and social relationships.  It turns out that about 85% of men end up being left-brain thinkers; they are extremely logical in their approach to life, impacting the way they problem-solve and act in relationships. ... We men do not 'get in touch' with our feelings easily, and it is precisely this struggle that women end up misinterpreting as lying.  But men aren't necessarily lying when we come across as phonies, it is that men can't move from being left-brained to being right-brained with ease. ... Men were therefore born to think unilaterally.  We think in either the right or left hemispheres, but seldom in both at the same time. ... Women, on the other hand, have no such breakdown between the two.  Plus, the female hormone estrogen prompts nerve cells to grow more connections within the brain and between the hemispheres while the female is still in the womb."  All of this to me is just one  incredible explanation as to why men and women think differently!

The books give examples like that and they also have the objective of creating a more harmonious relationship by telling you differences between the sexes, ways to understand those differences, expectations and disappointments (which are usually on the woman's side), ways to alleviate those disappointments, and use all the above to positively build the relationship.  For example, the book "For Men Only" (Don't judge! I only skimmed this one!), which is super straightforward and hits the nail on the head, so I highly recommend it for men, says, "In the reassurance chapter we talked about the fact that even the most secure women are plagued by insecurity running under the surface.  It's a deep personal doubt that makes her question, 'Does he really love me?' and 'Are we okay?'  If that insecurity is triggered by conflict or distance between you, she needs reassurance of your love.  Unfortunately for us take-things-at-face-value males -- and this is where we get the most frustrated -- in this situation your wife or girlfriend is likely to subconsciously pull back.  Not because she needs space but because she is desperately hoping you will follow. ... Rather than get frustrated that she's playing games or testing us or even being manipulative, we need to see her actions for what they are: a plea for reassurance.  One key type of reassurance is to pursue her when you think you might have done something wrong, even if she isn't owning up to it yet.  Go with your gut. ... After I finally got it, what I had thought of as a test became my visible signal of her invisible need.  My next move wasn't always easy, but it is simple: don't withdraw but ask more questions."  Bingo.

This male author goes on to give another great example in a different area: "Our research shows that, yes, women want security.  But they mean something very different by it than we [men] do. ... Since most guys would never seem to put emotional and security together in the same sentence, what does such a foreign concept look like in practical terms? Here's what we learned:
[What security means to her is that:]
1. She feels that the two of you are close
2. She sees that you make time together a priority
3. She sees your commitment to her
4. She sees that you're active in the life of the home
5. She sees you making an effort to provide (as long as that doesn't cry it out 1-4)"
He then goes on to explain what each of those means.  I'm not going to go on because you can read it for yourself.  It's good, insightful, and true stuff!

I found this next part also to be so true.  The author talks about beauty and says, "As it turns out, your wife's continuing desire to feel beautiful -- and to be beautiful for you -- is a deeply rooted need that explains a lot of other behaviors that have baffled men for centuries. ... Listen, after an inexcusably long learning curve, I've come to realize a few crucial facts about beauty and my wife.  These facts are fundamental in every marriage and have the power to radically change your relationship and mine for the better, beginning with the next words we speak to her.

Fact 1. That little dancing girl is still very much alive inside my dear wife. Only now she twirls for me.
Fact 2. In our marriage, whether I find her beautiful may or may not be foremost in my  mind, but it is an everyday (even if subconscious) issue for her.
Fact 3. In our house, there's really only one mirror.  And that mirror is me.
Fact 4. Every day I can reflect back to her the words she so needs to hear.  But if I don't, I leave her vulnerable to both her inner questions and external pressure from an intimidating world.
Fact 5. In my hand I hold a hammer."

Side note: I believe those inner questions can stem from many issues/circumstances/insecurities/whatever, not just beauty.  And can be slain by proper thinking (i.e. renew your mind with God's Word) and proper affirmations from those we love.  So be aware, ladies and gents. 

"Remember, you're not just the guy who shares her space, you're her most important mirror -- the man who can reflect back to her how lovely you think she is.  The man whose opinions of her are the best antidote for the damaging internal dialogue and external pressure that can stalk her thoughts. ... Just think of a few affirming words -- 'You look beautiful today' -- and say them.  It is also important to train yourself to say it when she needs it.  In other words, right away. ... We now know that women are powerfully affirmed by knowing that their husbands find them beautiful.  But that power has a dark side.  Because if a woman sees her husband's eyes also affirming the beauty of other women, she ceases to feel special.  Suddenly, not only is she not affirmed, she's in competition with the world again -- including for the attention of the one man she thought she already had.  That's when the hammer hits the mirror that's you -- the most important mirror in her life -- and shatters it."

Strong words about needing reassurance, getting  emotional security, and having one's beauty affirmed but I've seen/heard it time and again in my own life and in the lives other women.

I want to say "Step up, men!"  This is necessary and good, and yet I also realize that we, as women, need to find our worth, value, and more in God first.

I'm praying...