1. I've been meaning to get back to it
2. I do enjoy it and, depending on the genre/material, I definitely learn something
3. I'm enduring a schedule change that allows it -- and there's only so much Trivia Crack you can play in one day ;)
To catch you up to speed, I'm actually pretty busy throughout the day at work, which is a nice change. It's just that my fiance's schedule has changed, so it feels like I went into a long distance relationship overnight. Oh wait, I really did.
So, I naturally have more time on my hands in the evenings to do stuff, and I've decided to read and obviously get back to blogging. Yay!
For reading, I've been hooked on marriage books, though they talk about men and women in general and relationships in general, too. I'm drawn to them at the moment because of premarital counseling and because I find it fascinating to learn about men and women and how God created us.
I thought I knew some stuff about guys... I do have a Dad and brothers and thought I knew enough, but, now that I'm in a long-term relationship, I'm learning I don't know as much as I thought! I'm learning a lot now! Sometimes the hard way.
I know some relationship woes are because of sin, because of personality differences, because of different backgrounds/upbringings, because of age, etc. I'm seeing some of all of the above. And so I am reading.
Books are telling me that women like to work on the relationship and men don't. Books are telling me that men are takers and women are givers. Books are telling me that men and women think differently. Books are telling me that men and women communicate differently. I could go on... and I agree with all of these statements. And some of them are very, very much seen in everyday life.
It's not that I didn't know all of that before but maybe more on the surface level, like those statements. The books, thankfully, dive in deeper. For this reason (and others, let's be real!) I wish my guy would read just one of them! Ha!
I, of course, think they would help ours and any relationship leaps and bounds since they describe why a woman is the way she is and why a man is the way he is. It's not rocket science in my book, but the way my female mind works when it's compared to his is sometimes hard to swallow. It's definitely something I have to re-read or remind myself again about or go through scenarios or whatever. It's also definitely hard in the heat of the moment to remember his mind and, thus, actions and words, can be quite different from my female ones.
A simple biological example from the book entitled, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, is this:
"Somewhere between 18 and 26 weeks into a pregnancy, a male's baby hormones start to kick in gear and the results are significant. The bundle of nerve fibers connecting the right and left hemispheres of the brain starts to disintegrate. This causes a breakdown of communication between the two hemispheres. This is important because of the activity that takes place in these two hemispheres. The left side of the brain has the logic and reasoning centers of the brain. The right side houses emotions, feelings, judgments about beauty, and social relationships. It turns out that about 85% of men end up being left-brain thinkers; they are extremely logical in their approach to life, impacting the way they problem-solve and act in relationships. ... We men do not 'get in touch' with our feelings easily, and it is precisely this struggle that women end up misinterpreting as lying. But men aren't necessarily lying when we come across as phonies, it is that men can't move from being left-brained to being right-brained with ease. ... Men were therefore born to think unilaterally. We think in either the right or left hemispheres, but seldom in both at the same time. ... Women, on the other hand, have no such breakdown between the two. Plus, the female hormone estrogen prompts nerve cells to grow more connections within the brain and between the hemispheres while the female is still in the womb." All of this to me is just one incredible explanation as to why men and women think differently!
The books give examples like that and they also have the objective of creating a more harmonious relationship by telling you differences between the sexes, ways to understand those differences, expectations and disappointments (which are usually on the woman's side), ways to alleviate those disappointments, and use all the above to positively build the relationship. For example, the book "For Men Only" (Don't judge! I only skimmed this one!), which is super straightforward and hits the nail on the head, so I highly recommend it for men, says, "In the reassurance chapter we talked about the fact that even the most secure women are plagued by insecurity running under the surface. It's a deep personal doubt that makes her question, 'Does he really love me?' and 'Are we okay?' If that insecurity is triggered by conflict or distance between you, she needs reassurance of your love. Unfortunately for us take-things-at-face-value males -- and this is where we get the most frustrated -- in this situation your wife or girlfriend is likely to subconsciously pull back. Not because she needs space but because she is desperately hoping you will follow. ... Rather than get frustrated that she's playing games or testing us or even being manipulative, we need to see her actions for what they are: a plea for reassurance. One key type of reassurance is to pursue her when you think you might have done something wrong, even if she isn't owning up to it yet. Go with your gut. ... After I finally got it, what I had thought of as a test became my visible signal of her invisible need. My next move wasn't always easy, but it is simple: don't withdraw but ask more questions." Bingo.
This male author goes on to give another great example in a different area: "Our research shows that, yes, women want security. But they mean something very different by it than we [men] do. ... Since most guys would never seem to put emotional and security together in the same sentence, what does such a foreign concept look like in practical terms? Here's what we learned:
[What security means to her is that:]
1. She feels that the two of you are close
2. She sees that you make time together a priority
3. She sees your commitment to her
4. She sees that you're active in the life of the home
5. She sees you making an effort to provide (as long as that doesn't cry it out 1-4)"
He then goes on to explain what each of those means. I'm not going to go on because you can read it for yourself. It's good, insightful, and true stuff!
I found this next part also to be so true. The author talks about beauty and says, "As it turns out, your wife's continuing desire to feel beautiful -- and to be beautiful for you -- is a deeply rooted need that explains a lot of other behaviors that have baffled men for centuries. ... Listen, after an inexcusably long learning curve, I've come to realize a few crucial facts about beauty and my wife. These facts are fundamental in every marriage and have the power to radically change your relationship and mine for the better, beginning with the next words we speak to her.
Fact 1. That little dancing girl is still very much alive inside my dear wife. Only now she twirls for me.
Fact 2. In our marriage, whether I find her beautiful may or may not be foremost in my mind, but it is an everyday (even if subconscious) issue for her.
Fact 3. In our house, there's really only one mirror. And that mirror is me.
Fact 4. Every day I can reflect back to her the words she so needs to hear. But if I don't, I leave her vulnerable to both her inner questions and external pressure from an intimidating world.
Fact 5. In my hand I hold a hammer."
Side note: I believe those inner questions can stem from many issues/circumstances/insecurities/whatever, not just beauty. And can be slain by proper thinking (i.e. renew your mind with God's Word) and proper affirmations from those we love. So be aware, ladies and gents.
"Remember, you're not just the guy who shares her space, you're her most important mirror -- the man who can reflect back to her how lovely you think she is. The man whose opinions of her are the best antidote for the damaging internal dialogue and external pressure that can stalk her thoughts. ... Just think of a few affirming words -- 'You look beautiful today' -- and say them. It is also important to train yourself to say it when she needs it. In other words, right away. ... We now know that women are powerfully affirmed by knowing that their husbands find them beautiful. But that power has a dark side. Because if a woman sees her husband's eyes also affirming the beauty of other women, she ceases to feel special. Suddenly, not only is she not affirmed, she's in competition with the world again -- including for the attention of the one man she thought she already had. That's when the hammer hits the mirror that's you -- the most important mirror in her life -- and shatters it."
Strong words about needing reassurance, getting emotional security, and having one's beauty affirmed but I've seen/heard it time and again in my own life and in the lives other women.
I want to say "Step up, men!" This is necessary and good, and yet I also realize that we, as women, need to find our worth, value, and more in God first.
I'm praying...
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