Sunday, December 8, 2019

What Am I Doing?

I am told all the time how well I make salads.  It's the oddest thing to me.  But I am not joking.  I'll go through the salad bar and by the end of it someone next to me is saying "That's a good looking salad!"  Like every time.  Well, where are the (well-paid) salad-making jobs??

A couple other random things would be compliments on my decorating skills and my bow- making skills.  I decided interior decorating was actually not for me but I still have a good eye apparently, and I don't think bow-making alone is a career...

I used to enjoy, and think I was pretty good at, several things: playing the piano, making cards, baking, being a Dietitian, loving God, being a good friend, making good grades, running, being healthy, etc.

Slowly, probably over the last couple of years, my confidence has been chipped away, my emotional and psychological well-being are near empty, and I don't know what I do well.

The cute decorations around my house and my bows for decorations were the last, genuinely sweet compliments I remember. 

I try really hard, probably too hard.  I try and clean the house, I try to look good, I try to make dinner, I try to look good in a ball gown while making dinner, I try to work a full-time job, I try to workout, I try and do things with friends, I try to be a good daughter-in-law, I try to be a good wife, ...  If I had kids or pets, I'd be trying to be the best Mom or the best Mom (some you got that).  In short, I'm striving and it's getting me nowhere but burnt out.

It hit me tonight, though, that just a few short years ago, like three or four, I was so different and so much happier and carefree.  I was not like the person I am today.  I didn't care what people thought.  I had goals and I was going to reach them.  I thought I could make a difference being a Dietitian.  I was positive and didn't complain.  I had a "fun job" and better mental health.

I used to bake a lot and now I hardly do.  I used to write out a zillion goals and now I don't have any.  I used to be positive and now it's really hard to be.  I used to like my job and now I'm crying when I go to work.  I used to not be scared about health issues but now I am almost debilitated by them.  I used to bring joy to others but now I don't know.  I used to have so much going on with things to do and now it's too quiet and still.  I used to do things with friends or at least talk with them and now relationships are strained.

What happened?  What am doing?

I think a huge difference is that my spiritual life has waned and I am not getting needs met.  I'm focusing on problems and not God, like Peter walking on the water ...and then not walking on the water, ha!  I do enjoy trying to equate what I'm going through with  something from the Bible and that story fits!

In some ways, I realize how much I want others to tell me I'm doing a good job and to tell me what I'm good at.  However, I'm getting the opposite from my boss.  There's nothing good enough for my boss and I'll likely never do anything right or well on the job.  The storms of life are really hitting.

I just can't accept it, because I want to do well and I want to do the right thing and I want to excel and I want to like my job and I want these things for my work life...  Heck, I want things to be great in all areas of my life!

My Dad will still say that he's proud of me no matter what and thankfully he has said that because I have him saying it in my head on repeat right now. "You know I'm proud of you" or "You're Mother and I are proud of you" and always ending with I love you. 

Then there's my Mom who says she prays for me everyday and now my husband who tells me to be resilient.

I just need words. And encouragement.

I think of the time I was in Army training school and the head people really did not like me. At all. For no reason.  But thankfully I had people I didn't even know that well come along beside me and tell me they'd help me (and they did) and tell me to ignore the head people because they were wrong, among other choice words.  By the end, the head people put me in a position to fail and fail big in front of everyone.  And yet, God gave me a brilliant idea that eventually helped me win -- I gave everyone a spirit animal.

The bad part of that scenario, of being so broken and sad, has definitely been this past year's theme. It's definitely been too long.

I pray for God's "win" again. Soon.


Wednesday, October 2, 2019

God and Hunting

There's definitely one thing I never thought I would be doing... hunting.  It was never on my radar, it was never part of my plan.

But we all know what God does to your plan, ha!

As many of you know, my husband is an avid hunter. I think he's very talented and definitely has way too many mounts, antlers, and stories to prove it. 

He has invited me out with him several times, and I join because I enjoy walking in nature and spending time with my guy while doing something he loves (obviously just looking for that "best wife" title).  I decided to give in to his request and get my hunter's license not too long ago.  The course was interesting, in and of itself, and I'm glad I did it.  I gave him my license as part of his birthday present this year and his facial expression of surprise and joy was priceless ❤️

He then bought me a tag for this season, so I anticipate fun, lots of learning, and some time  together.  I also definitely want good elk meat to eat :)  We'll see what happens!

As I was praying about something else one day, I realized the gospel could be likened to hunting.

One way to look at it is life is the land.  In life, there are boundaries and, although you may not like them, they do provide safety and freedom.  That's what boundaries do.  If you go outside those boundaries, however, you are not protected. 

I remember going out with my husband once and basically every antelope we saw was in the area of land where we could not kill them.  Another similar instance was when he saw several deer in one area but he knew they were outside of where his tag allowed him to hunt so he did nothing to the animal. He jokingly said they just instinctively knew where to go where they were safe and we couldn't touch them.  This is true of Christians because we have the Holy Spirit to guide us.  If we, as Christians, listen to the Holy Spirit and stay within God's boundaries for any of life's entanglements such as money, relationships, work, etc then we will be far better protected and actually free.  In addition, if we obey the boundaries, we are far less likely to incur consequences.  God knows better.

Another way to look at it is God is the hunter and you are the animal.  And God knows how to hunt.  God is patient and sometimes brings other believers along for the ride to help get the prize, your salvation or turning back to Him and His ways.  He will track your movements, see your prints and bedding, smell your scent, and see the mess you've left.  He will walk without wearying knowing where you are and call you in by name because He actually wants to save you from your sins and have a relationship with you.  He created you, knows you better than anyone, and loves you more than you will ever know.  You are His.

After God pierces your vital organs, the real work begins.  He cuts you up and hauls out your carcass from the depths of no man's land, perserving the good.  He sometimes asks others to help in this endeavor, too.

God can't wait!  He knows He is going to save your hide by taking out the stinky, gross stuff inside of you.  "Our pain and suffering isn't to hurt us.  It's to save us.  To save us from a life where we are self-reliant, self-satisfied, self-absorbed, and set up for the greatest pain of all... separation from God."

He will then fill you with Himself and His fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control, and more.  You will be given new eyes and a more perfected look; you will look like a different creature -- one influenced and transformed by God.  You will be displayed in the best spot in the house with absolute pride and joy.

To think that a real hunter goes through all of this: preparation, anticipation, work, teamwork, pride and joy, etc.  Then to think how much more God pursues or hunts you ...and with love and grace, not a bow or rifle.  Think how much more joy comes from one of His creations being called in and saved by Him!

I'm pretty positive I'm going to be more excited about hunting now, as I walk in God's beautiful nature scene thinking of Him and his saving me and longing to help me through the process of being made in the image of Christ.





Monday, August 19, 2019

Strengths

The question "What are your strengths?" was posed to me today and I froze.  Honestly, my initial thought was, "Oh my gosh, what do I say in an interview?!" because that's the only time I've really been asked that question.  But I hadn't rehearsed this time, ha!

I ended up saying something about organization and liking a list and being able to check stuff off, and I thinking I can communicate pretty well (but then trying to communicate with my current boss has potentially proven that one wrong).  I don't know, I just muttered through things.

The woman who asked said next, "Can I help you out?  One thing I've noticed already is that I think you're not afraid to say what you need."  And she is right.  To that, I also added, kind of as a piggyback, that I do know what I need because I think I know myself very well.  Furthermore, I said I know I'm smart and I can pretty much do what I set out to do.

She followed this up with the to-be-expected  question of "What do you think your weaknesses or hindrances are?" to which I was very quick to say, "I'm very hard on myself, was and probably still am a perfectionist of sorts" and something else. 

Later, after a slight pity party for myself because I couldn't remember any strengths I have, I thought of some.  I thought about how my Mom always says I'm disciplined and some other stuff.  ...And then I thought, "I'm not really doing any of those currently..."  Hmm.

One thing is that I think strengths = what you're good at.  So, in the past, I thought I was good at baking, running, blogging/writing, taking pictures, card making, decorating, encouraging others, being a Dietitian, dancing, and being positive.

I think I just need to get back to some of these things.  Plus, maybe it'll stop me from wallowing in my weaknesses, haha!

Most importantly though, I realize one strength is knowing who I am in Christ, and no one can take that away despite it being tested.  I think I know myself so well because I actually try -- read books, take quizzes, ask questions, sift through thoughts/feelings -- and because I try to know God. 

Like everyone else on the real faith journey, I'm a work in progress.  So, here's to me getting back to some strengths and seeing God work in my weaknesses and being humbled by it.


Saturday, August 10, 2019

Praying

I left the room and let the stench of anger, bitterness, and disbelief stay.  I thought I was done; I had gotten the information from the patient I needed and knew I couldn't change their mind about unfortunate life circumstances and definitely not the unabashed anger against God.

And yet, I was saddened and burdened by the brief life story given to me just moments ago.  I had taken maybe three steps down the hall and was thinking of what I could do.  Pray for them came to mind and then the memory popped up of someone saying at some point in my life that most people don't say no to prayer.

I had the second of doubt and "I don't wanna" attitude flash by, but I turned around and entered the room again and asked if the patient wanted me to pray for them.  They said yes.

This particular scenario has only happened once for me, though I talk about my faith at work in other ways.  For one, I could see similarities between us with the anger,  bitterness, and resentment.  Second, I knew I had the answer, whether they liked it or not, which is to pray and to give it to God.  I told them it is hard, in some ways, and you won't do it perfectly but it does beat the alternative.  It beats being at the end of your rope, being an unpleasant and unhappy person, and ultimately turning away from God.

I've gone through more things in my life in the past one, max of two, years.  And I'll tell you that I have never prayed so much.

I pray for God to change me, because I cannot change others.  I pray along the lines of the serenity prayer (God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference) because, even if it is cliche now, it is very, very true.  I pray for the Lord to forgive me for being angry, and I talk to Him about it.  I pray for others, not that they would change but that God would reveal things to them, too.  I pray for my husband the most, after myself, because, honestly, I haven't felt the need to pray so consistently for one person before -- I love him and want the best for him.

I think that's it.  Throw two opposite people together and then a plethora of not-so-stellar situations or circumstances at one or both of them, and you've got a recipe in need of a lot of prayer, a lot of God in your life.  His design or what?

I know I would be okay if it was just me and God, and if I can share that with others to help them too, so be it.

Right now, it's me, God, and my husband.  And the friends and family I know I can rely on.  I am grateful.

And on a side note, I think I should start praying for our country and our leaders.  The world is changing...



Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Life Doesn't Stop

My eye is twitching.  Still.  It's been a month.
My shoulders are tense.  Again.  It's been a week.
My rest meter is on zero.  Again.  It's been a day.
My legs ache.  Still.  It's been an hour.

On the up-side!  I don't have a headache at the moment.  Miracle.  I've had them for years.

I think all the symptoms show life doesn't stop. 

From deployment to wedding to civilian work woes and lots in between... life has been pretty non-stop lately.  I mean, all things considered, it's to be expected.  And I think and hope I've weathered the worst of it.  Yet, new fires appear daily and there seems to be something to do all the time.

Taking the good with the bad... More like finding the good in the midst of the not-so-stellar.  One thing that helps is when patient interactions make me laugh.  Even today one got me.  A patient was asked to sign a piece of paper saying that he was spoken to and understood what was said.  In response, he asked if it was for reenlistment.  I laughed out loud.  Yeah, it's a trick; it's really reenlistment.  Haha!

No matter what the day holds, these days, I blink and it's 9:00pm.  I should be getting on my way to bed, but I feel like I have stuff to do and/or need more time to simply relax.  I sit down and don't want to get back up, which has never happened.  I can't imagine what I will actually have to do or how I'll actually feel when I have a pet or kids.  Yikes!

All I can say is I'm definitely not going off of my own  strength.  God is holding my hand or holding me up.


Saturday, May 11, 2019

Failure

Do you feel like you fail?  Like all the time?  Maybe even at the simplest task?  I sure do. 

I was late to a meeting for a slightly embarrassing reason.  I got chided immediately and then later as well.  No one bothered to ask why I was late -- Did I trip and fall?  Did I have a breakdown?  Was I helping someone? -- doesn't matter.  Bottom line: wasn't on time so got reprimanded.  Whatever, move on.

I just want to be home, honestly.  I hope I don't reach the point of absolutely not caring.  In some ways, I'm there now but it could be worse...  and at that point I'm afraid I would not care about a lot of things.  I will do what I want, not what I "should" do.  I will treat others like they treat me, such as ignore, assume the worst, not apologize, not ask for answers, not be nice, etc.  Ultimately, I believe I'd shut people out.

People hurt me again and again.  Circumstances don't lend to good stuff or a good attitude as easily anymore.  Still, I press on. 

Life is hard, and it isn't perfect.  And some of us can fake it til we make it, but I'm not one of those people.  I do try... ha!  But one day I really, really tried I was just a worthless zombie crying incessantly.  So, I majorly failed at keeping my cool.

As a Christian, I feel it's my duty to be like Christ but I fail all the time at this, too.  I'm angry, frustrated, and  easily annoyed, at the moment.  I'm not being positive or nice to most.  I'm not being grateful whatsoever. 

I take it out my ugly on people I love, and I'm not proud of it.  I'm about to marry someone in the same boat.  Heaven help us.  Two very flawed people trying to get through the mess, of one another and of life.

We each have battles.  I'd thought we'd wage most together but I don't know.  I know I wish I could be with him now as I assume he is grieving.  I know I wish I several things... In the end, I know I still cling to God and and to the fact my guy says, "I love God and I love you," even if it isn't always conveyed or I don't want to believe it because of what's going on inside me. 

There is a lot going on inside me.  Clearly.  Life is messy but I want to go through it with my guy and God; we both have hang-ups but are willing to take a leap of faith together.  I'm going to continue to work on myself.

Obviously, not every day is doomed, not every person is on my bad list, and not every emotion is legit.  This is just a more difficult life season, and that's okay.  I press on with Christ.

God knows me better than anyone, and He knows what I need to be dependent on Him.  Read that one again.  God knows I'm weak on my own but He makes me strong and enabled.  God knows how to love me best and does so; He is my best friend and lover.  God gives me the power to forgive, to be renewed, to be who He's called me to be.  He also knows what I'm not getting from others and fills the void.


Philippians 3:10-12
[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]

That if possible I may attain to the [spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].

Not that I have now attained [this ideal], or have already been made perfect, but I press on to lay hold of (grasp) and make my own, that for which Christ Jesus (the Messiah) has laid hold of me and made me His own.


Philippians 4:12-13
I know how to be abased and live humbly in straitened circumstances, and I know also how to enjoy plenty and live in abundance. I have learned in any and all circumstances the secret of facing every situation, whether well-fed or going hungry, having a sufficiency and enough to spare or going without and being in want.

I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency].


Friday, May 10, 2019

Assurance

Have you ever taken the love languages quiz or read the book?  I've taken it several times and get the same thing each time.  I'm not surprised and find stuff like that helpful in understanding yourself and others, if they participate.

My greatest ones are words [of affirmation] and quality time.  In case you don't know, the remaining ones are gifts, physical touch, and acts of service.  I have a bit of all, like most, but definitely have my top ones that make me feel loved, important, cared for, special, etc.

My Mom and I were talking one day about how I had received affirmations in different ways all growing up.  Grades were a big one and a long-standing one at that.  Good grades told me I was a good student.   Others would be being told I was a good at sports, a good kid from other parents, the great server, a good worker, a good runner, and a good RA.

Nowadays, I don't have such a direct and consistent way to be told I'm doing a job well done, except by maybe my parents and work reviews at a yearly evaluation.

Maybe that is a natural progression but it stinks.  I see the lack of positive affirmations in all areas of life taking its toll.  It is unfortunately compounded  when being bombarded with feelings of the opposite -- feeling I'm not measuring up or feeling I'm not getting any positive responses at all. 

Sometimes I don't understand why I need assurance and wish I didn't. 

I think the boost, as I call it, eases some anxiety that I'm not doing a good job. It's feedback, whether positive (boost) or negative (something to work on). I don't know if I've ever been in the middle, really, so  wouldn't know what to do with that.  Much less how to get there.

Truly, I believe I swing between the positive and negative poles.  I want to be in the positive because it's positive (duh) and my language but don't receive constistent praise.  I try to give it but that doesn't seem to help.  I go to the negative then because what's left? and there is always room for improvement in my world.

It's not an awesome way to live, flipping between the two.  Who wants to constantly be working on everything that is presumed to be wrong or who wants to be frustrated by not receiving some needed praise?  Both are kinda depressing.

All I've got now to try to break the bad cycle is to give myself God's affirmations of who I am, per advice, and what popped into my head, called contentment.  Here's to cultivating that!  Suggestions appreciated.



Saturday, April 20, 2019

Easter 2019

It is "Happy Easter" because it is finished and He is risen!!

As the day approaches, I can't help but think of the following list given by the Chaplain on Palm Sunday:

The first time He came as a lowly carpenter
The next time He will come as a risen conquerer

The first time He came riding on a donkey
The next time He will be riding a white horse

The first time people ridiculed and beat Him
The next time people will bow in His presence

The first time He came weeping
The next time He is coming with a shout

The first time He came to redeem man
The next time He will rule all of mankind

The first time He had no money for taxes
The next time He will own everything

The first time He came alone
The next time He is coming with saints and angels

The first time He was mocked and scorned
The next time His enemies will be under His feet

The first time He had nails in His hands
The next time He holds a sword

The first time He hung on a cross
The next time He will sit on a Throne

The first time He was judged
The next time He will be the Judge

The first time men put Him to death
The next time He will destroy the enemies of God

The first time He came as a man
The next time He will come as God

The first time He was the Lamb
The next time He will be the Lion

The first time He was meek and lowly
The next time He will come in power and glory

The first time He wore a crown of thorns
The next time He will wear a Crown of Crowns

The first time He was called King of the Jews
The next time He will be King of Kings

The first time He came as a lowly Nazarene
The next time He is coming as the Lord of Lords

Praise God and amen!


Monday, April 15, 2019

Special

I remember a time when people would say I'm special.  I think it was because I really tried to do right and make others feel special.

I don't try as hard these days, honestly. 

There's only been one other time I explicitly backed off from doing things, which was after finishing being an RA.  I was burned out.  I would take a lot of time and effort to make and write cards, organize something fun, try to keep in touch with phone calls, etc.  I grew tired of organizing fun things, inviting people, making/preparing food, cleaning, etc for a poor turnout.  I grew tired of others not calling me to see how I was doing.  I grew tired of spending time on others when they didn't spend much time on me.

I would drive hours on end to see a friend and only about two friends have visited me since leaving OK (if you count guys who had crushes).  I spend time and money on flying places for once in a lifetime events and it seems but a few will do the same for me.  I drop everything to help out or chat.  I put relationships first and others do not, period.

I think my reason to not do stuff now is along the same lines.  People don't reciprocate.  People do what they want and put what's important to them first.

I know my obviously faulty thinking is that it's tit for tat, in a positive way.  I do this, they do that ...but along the same lines as what I had done and along the same intensity.  It would be easier if I could just control them.  Hahaha!!  I awkwardly laugh so it doesn't turn to crying because that definitely has not happened every time.  Not at all.  And I don't want to be controlling.

It's not like I did (or do) everything expecting something in return.  In a way, that's a natural response, but maybe I should focus on trying to do more things with no expectations.  It would be a slow and painful process (how to begin?!) but would save headache.  I'd also like to focus on the times people did show, did make me feel special and a priority, and did put relationships first.  Those are some great memories :)

Besides that, I'd like to get back to knowing I'm so loved by God and full of life that I can give without having to receive as I would think fit (or from whom I would think is fit).

Spending time with God lends itself mightily to this last goal of spending time with God, the most important goal. 

Today I texted "don't you feel special?" to someone in jest.  Then read the following verses and thought of all the above.  It's hard to love other people (makes me think of the quote, "love difficult people, you are one of them") but we, as Christians, are called to do so.

Galatians 6:7-10
Do not be deceived and deluded and misled; God will not allow Himself to be sneered at (scorned, disdained, or mocked by mere pretensions or professions, or by His precepts being set aside.) [He inevitably deludes himself who attempts to delude God.] For whatever a man sows, that and that only is what he will reap.

For he who sows to his own flesh (lower nature, sensuality) will from the flesh reap decay and ruin and destruction, but he who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.

And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint.

So then, as occasion and opportunity open up to us, let us do good [morally] to all people [not only being useful or profitable to them, but also doing what is for their spiritual good and advantage]. Be mindful to be a blessing, especially to those of the household of faith [those who belong to God's family with you, the believers].


Friday, April 5, 2019

Needs

The compliments came in a rush.
"You're so charming!"
"I just love your laugh!"
"You definitely don't look your age."

It was nice, not gonna lie.  Moments like that kinda make me think, "God gives you what you need."  And in unexpected ways or through unexpected people.   Another similar incident was having a really good, deep conversation about anything and everything.  It's been awhile since I've had one of those.  It was refreshing.

It's not like I haven't ever gotten a compliment or had a good chat but, more like, sometimes I really need the positive boost, some innocent attention, or deeper thinking.  If I don't get it from a source I'd expect or am used to, well, I suppose these incidences are proof I'll get it somehow, ha!

Then the conversation with all the compliments  turned interesting.  That guy started saying how he had just gotten a divorce after 23 years of marriage and that his new philosophy was to not take anyone's sh*t anymore.  I had that look of shock and not knowing what to say, lemme tell ya.  Basically, he now wants someone with their act together and someone attentive to and willing to meet his needs.  Can't exactly blame him there.  We all want that, I believe!

He complained of not getting affirmation or appreciation from his then wife and how that was wrong.  Again, wasn't sure what to say other than another person won't fill every need, only God can do that.  I can see his point though, because I'd like to receive those things too, among other things, but I don't.  I don't get the things I want or think I need  daily, for instance, and can fall into negative thinking too.  At this point, he decided to call it quits (I'm sure more was going on but simply put...) and all I decided to do about it was pray, get affirmation from God and others (like the nice compliments when they come), be thankful and content with what I have/what happens, make known that I would like my perceived needs to be met, look outside myself in order to give, work on myself (i.e. digging deeper into God), tell myself the truth, and live my life as best as possible.  Obviously, I don't believe it's grounds for divorce; it would just be nice to have those desires realized more often.

That said, one influence on his decision to divorce, I believe, was the fact he alluded to there being a lot of people in the world and one of them surely can meet that need.  To this I say, yes, I believe that to be true.  Even my Dad said, after me complaining about one of my guy interests, that I could stop and try to find someone else more inclined to give me my love languages, words of affirmation and quality time.  Consequently, there surely is at least one person in the world who would give him what he wants, but he didn't chose that type of person to marry (seemingly) and that "special" someone else will have other hurdles to overcome in other areas.  It's what someone once said to me, it's about what you can or are willing to put up with.

Besides, this thinking puts the focus on you and your needs instead of God or His plan.  The point of marriage or any relationship, really, isn't your needs.  Plain and simple.  It's more about how you're  becoming more like Christ and how you're expanding His kingdom together.  I see a bit better why my premarital counselor started with making sure we each had our needs met by God and didn't need the other person, making sure our cups were constantly filled by God so that we could pour into each other and even others.  I also remember hearing how a couple can't look to each other, basically because the other person is as fallible as you.  So then, each person must look to Christ, who is the supplier of all and, more importantly, the common point of focus and goal.

He went on to say marriage shouldn't be THAT hard, and he had married his best friend and stayed in so long because of "love" and his kids.  From the marriage stuff I've heard and listened to, having a marriage that works IS hard work.  You both have to give 100%.  It's hard work ON YOURSELF!  You can only change you with God's help.  It's about you doing the right [biblical] thing every time.  It's about you undergoing these actions:
1) become the right person -- not Hollywood-version of right but God-version of right -- Ephesians 4
2) walk in love -- again not Hollywood-version but God's -- Corinthians 13
3) fix your hope on God and seek to please Him in the relationship
4) when failure occurs, repeat steps 1-3

By-products I would think and hope after those actions would be the purpose of the relationship being above and beyond what you imagined, exponential growth both individually and together, picking your battles wisely, being secure in all life areas -- emotional, physical, financial, mental, etc, weathering life storms better together, treating each other with utmost respect, loving God's way (unconditionally), raising the next generation well, serving each other/family with fervor, etc.  There would be fewer tears and more laughing, less time arguing and more time being excited for the future, and less hurt and unmet needs and greater love, acceptance, and forgiveness.

No doubt that guy had personal issues and his wife, too.  I only heard his side, of course.  It was sad.  My shallow take is she became a burden to him, they closed each other off, and then there was a slow unraveling.  Love is a choice, you know?  Working on yourself is too.

Now then, do I think God wants anyone's life to be miserable, like he was saying his life had turned?  Absolutely not!  So, this is definitely where God steps in.  I believe anything is possible with God.  He can change someone in no time at all, if He wanted.  He can change your relationships.  He can change attitudes, perspectives, circumstances, and more.  He can change you, and I think that is what He is most interested in doing.


Sunday, March 31, 2019

Public Apology

Well, "you reap what you sow" is true.

I had a hurtful situation go down and thought about it.  In doing so, I realized I do the same thing to my Mom a lot.

Sometimes when I talk to her on the phone, I try and do more than one thing (i.e. multitask).  Sometimes it is just fine but a lot of the time I have to stop what I'm doing and give my full attention to the conversation, what I am saying and what she saying.

When I get super distracted and can't form a sentence, she gets frustrated and hurt.  She usually says something or hangs up asking me to call after I finish what I'm doing.  I used to get frustrated with this because I thought she was being a little on the ridiculous side but, now that it happens to me often, I see where she is coming from and agree.

Honestly, now, I don't care if I think I can do multiple things at once.  Bottom line: it is rude and disrespectful not to give someone your full attention.

How would you like it if someone couldn't give you even 10 minutes of their undivided attention when you need it and expect it, and possibly have a time crunch to get it?

That, on top of the fact that I say I love my Mom and she is in fact important to me.

Yeah, I'm not exactly showing that in a way she will believe.

I'm sorry, Mom. I'm working on myself.


Thursday, March 21, 2019

LOVE-ly Ideas

"Love is choosing to give another person what they need the most when they deserve it the least, at great personal cost."

Wait, what?

I hadn't heard this definition for love ever until a few days ago while listening to a podcast on marriage.  I don't like it.  I prefer the fairy tale version of love because it doesn't include dying to yourself.  Am I right?  I guess God truly does give you what you need at the right time.

I say that because it's true.  I had to apply the quote a couple days after hearing it.  My fiancé asked me to do something most difficult.  He basically asked for me to be okay with less communication due to life being fun at the moment and making talk-time more challenging.  At first, I was slightly defensive.  I knew I had already been trying to be better about that exact thing so I felt I needed to tell him so (um, yeah, didn't need to do so), and I also knew our communication was already low, which I don't like to say the least.

Do I think he deserves me doing this?  No.
Is it very costly to me?  Yes.
Do I love him and want to show him?  Yes.

So, here we are!  Chugging along by God's grace.

And it's definitely God working in me and through me.  It's not that I don't struggle, I do.  There are times I just want to hear his voice, be given a hug, or talk about things in real time.  I don't entirely like what's going on but it is more about knowing God can help me accomplish any task -- no matter the difficulty, length of time it takes, or how I feel.

Another additional line spoken in the podcast was along the thoughts of, it's not all about what your partner gives you and whether you're being fulfilled, which made me stop and confess this is sometimes how I operate.  Another line was, "choose to give your mate what they need even if you get nothing back."  That is one of the hardest things to swallow and wrap my mind around.  And, of course, do.  What??  Nothing back?!  No love, no communication, no nothing?!  How can I do that?  Why would I do that??

My mind easily goes into the crazies, like "if I don't talk, he'll think it's okay to have such lack of communication and we'll hardly ever talk again!" or worse.  That thinking isn't very loving towards him or even myself, though.  Besides, I don't believe they will come true or are true.  Yet, even if they are, God is enough.  God loves me that deeply.  I have to remind myself so much so that He sent His only Son to die for my sins in order for me to have a wonderful, thriving relationship with Him again.  All glory and praise to God.

The time apart from my guy has been good, actually.  Hard but good.  Time to think, time to make friends, time to pray, time to miss my guy, time to do new things, time to be excited about the wedding, and time to just be myself kinda by myself.

That last part has to do with yet another part of the podcast, which was talking about what to do to be the "right" person for your spouse/potential spouse.
The "right" formula:
1) become the right person -- Ephesians 4
2) walk in love
3) fix your hope on God and seek to please Him in the relationship
4) when failure occurs, repeat steps 1-3

I'm focusing more on this list as of late, among other things.  I realized I'm not doing a great job at all of them.  What can I say?  I don't want to be stagnant or mediocre.  I'm always trying to learn, grow, and better myself ... with God.



Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Shut up and Color

Shut up and color.
Don't say anything. It's still in A.
Go with the flow.
Let it go.
Just play nice.

I've heard a lot of phrases like these before.  Some of them I can actually do now but it is not natural. 

I see more so now that I don't do injustices very well, whether real or imagined.  I don't exactly endure them gracefully, either.  If I did or didn't focus so much on myself, I think I might could have inched us closer to world peace!

I remember being in grade school and playing sharks and minnows.  I set my sites on the fastest kid; I was going to get him.  I was elated when I actually did!  It was slight but noticeable, reaching out my small hand in a desperate attempt to get a piece of clothing or something.  I got him right before he hit the wall to be safe, and then he turned around to face my triumphant, "I got you!" only to say he did not, in fact, get tagged.  I hit him.  "Now you're tagged," I said angrily.  Unfortunately, the teacher only saw me hit the liar in the arm and sat me in time out. 

Clearly hitting someone is not the best response to being told you are not right when you, in fact, are.  Eh, I had older brothers; I could take it.  I can say that is not my approach now nor ever after that day.

I might not have outgrown it, though.  In high school, I would insist that what I had as an answer was truly correct.  Because it was correct.  One of my favorite teachers said one day after being basically interrogated, "you still have an A."  I did care about that but I also cared about being right, if I was right (and thus getting the points).  Heck, I did it at least once in college and it worked!  That B became an A because I had the nerve to talk to the professor and  explain my thinking instead of acepting the grade I was given.

In this adult life, there are injustices and it doesn't seem to matter what I think.  I'm harshly learning to "let it go" and "shut up and color" on all sorts of levels.

I described my current status to a friend as sinking in a boat with someone you love.  You are both sinking, both in a similar bind with the same resources and desire to get out.  The problem is you have to rely on each other despite the fact they are sitting next to you in the same mess.  Another problem to see is you also need someone else to help (i.e. God).

The sinking won't last forever and I'm drifting more  and more into the "don't panic, just breathe" stage with the "look at me and repeat, 'we're going to make it'" stage coming in hot, so that's good.  Then I hope the "I see land!" part is to come, which would be terrific.

God has been there all along to help.  Do I accept the offer always?  No.  I like to hit people because I want to be right, remember?  I like to complain and think of hate letters to write, too.  "I'll give this organization a piece of my mind!!" as if that will do much of anything.  At the level I'm talking, probably not.  My grade won't change for the better... Boo.

There are a lot of things I want or want done differently.  I am not blaming myself or my significant other; I suppose I'm more upset and angry with the process/situation.  Maybe I'm just in time out, haha!

Nonetheless, I'll keep pressing on.

Philippians 3:8-14
Yes, furthermore, I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth, and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him [of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly]. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish (refuse, dregs), in order that I may win (gain) Christ (the Anointed One),

And that I may [actually] be found and known as in Him, not having any [self-achieved] righteousness that can be called my own, based on my obedience to the Law's demands (ritualistic uprightness and supposed right standing with God thus acquired), but possessing that [genuine righteousness] which comes through faith in Christ (the Anointed One), the [truly] right standing with God, which comes from God by [saving] faith.

[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]

That if possible I may attain to the [spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].

Not that I have now attained [this ideal], or have already been made perfect, but I press on to lay hold of (grasp) and make my own, that for which Christ Jesus (the Messiah) has laid hold of me and made me His own.

I do not consider, brethren, that I have captured and made it my own [yet]; but one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,

I press on toward the goal to win the [supreme and heavenly] prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward.


Saturday, March 2, 2019

Just Gotta Go

After drinking about 12 cups of water in roughly 15 hours and sleeping due to being sick, I realize the human body is incredible.  I'm feeling better!  I also realize I do not control my bladder.  My bladder controls me.

It's like I'm speed walking to the bathroom and can't even wait for the door to shut before I plop down on the seat.  Man!  I have to go instantly.  No one else is around, praise God.  Otherwise, they'd be getting a show they don't want.  And heaven knows I wouldn't be able to wait in line!

I'm only in my 30s, for goodness sake, and definitely not preggo.  It only gets worse from here, right?  That is a sad, sad truth.

I remember laughing as a kid when my Mom had to go so bad.  Sorry, Mom.  It was funny.

Now I'm hearing about my nephew being potty trained.  He'll lift his arms over his head, triumphantly, while saying, "I did it!"  Apparently, he overhead my brother once and said, "You did it, Daddy!"  Hahaha!!

Being praised for going to the bathroom typically only happens when you're young.  Having an accident may be at any age.  Ugh.  Then there's laughs, sheer panic, mad dashes, complete misses, the "gotta go" dances, and more.

We've all been there...


Thursday, February 28, 2019

Hard Knock Life

I made a search for "top life stressors" and clicked on the second list I saw because it also had "and ways to handle them" in the title.  Heck, I'd like some advice and positivity with the bad, which was the following:
1) death of a loved one
2) separation or divorce
3) getting married
4) starting a new job
5) workplace stressors
6) financial problems
7) moving to a new home
8) chronic illness or injury
9) retirement
10) transitioning to adulthood

I can pretty much check 7 out of these 10 over the last 6 months.  Yikes.  There has been some form or fashion of all except numbers 1, 9, and 10.  Although I did not endure number 1, my significant other did (and I tried to comfort), I wish number 9 was happening now, and 10 took place awhile ago but there are days I question why it had to happen (and days I conspire to undo it!).

I will admit to not handling all the stress well, at all times.  Imagine that.

I just read these verses, ironically. 
James 1:2-4,12
Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.
Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.
But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.
Blessed (happy, to be envied) is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him.

Had I read those verses before all the stressors began, it might have been a different story.  Maybe.  A little.  I'm far from perfect.  Nonetheless, they are a good reminder and encouragement now.

I definitely felt the pressure, cried, almost ran to get away ...but then got up the next day to do it all again.  I'm not sure I've prayed so much; I know I've had consistent times with God before, but many recent times I was fully enveloped, focused, and engaged, which doesn't always happen to me.  I also see how I will never be independent of God.  So, I don't know exactly about endurance, steadfastness, and patience, but I did learn some things.

I also needed people surrounding me.  I've called many a friend and family member, and I am grateful to have my guy beside me through it all.  I've heard if you want to go fast, go alone;  if you want to go far, go together.  We do, and we've made it this far! 

Maybe it's in my head but he seems to handle things better ...and then I load more on him.  He's actually going through the same things!  And possibly more of it.  Of course, I pray for him, too.

I remember when life seemed a bit easier, and I could go fast.  Yet, I gladly chose a relationship and will always choose him :) and, I suppose in some ways, I haven't slowed down but have tried to pull my guy along.  Psst!  It doesn't really work.  Then throw in the stressors above (and the general expectations I had about romantic relationships, whether good or bad, realistic or not) and my life has experienced some bumps. 

Just as I read and thought of verses, I read and thought of a few quotes:
"Marriage is more about work than about divine luck, more about finding someone to love than about finding someone to meet your own laundry list of personal needs."
Along the lines of: Don't worry about being "enough." Focus on being your best self [for/towards your significant other].
"If you want the benefit of having an ox, you're going to have to endure the poo that comes with it.  The goal is to have a positive poo to ox ratio."
"The truth is, a successful marriage is not the result of marrying the 'right' person, feeling the 'right' emotions, thinking the 'right' thoughts, or even praying the 'right'prayers.  It's about doing the 'right' things -- period."
"Why doesn't God have a special person just for you?  Because He knows His principles of love, acceptance, patience, and forgiveness work, and they work all the time, every time -- no matter to whom you are married."

Whatever the stressor, I know without doubt I have my God, my guy, my family, and my friends.  And I'm going to make it through and be better off for it!


Thursday, February 21, 2019

Riding the Bench

My grandfather used to tell us grandkids that he was "riding the bench" when we asked him to go on a ride or do something with us but he didn't want to.  It was a clever way to say, "Nah, I ain't doing that."  Growing up, I didn't like it but now I think it's funny.

That explains the title.  I'll talk about another bench here soon, though.

Last night, I couldn't sleep well due to a massive headache.  I was tossing and turning, just dosing.  Earlier, during my shower time, I was praying and thinking.  The wheels were turning before I hit the sheets.  It's fun to see God work.

I once was asked if I write my posts all in one go.  And yes, 97% of the time, I do.  That's not by chance.  I think I get a small stroke of God-genius!  Especially since some of the stuff I say can't possibly be coming from me.  And I write it.  Usually it starts in my head (shower time), becomes more concrete in a bit of time (tossing in bed), and then is penned (what you're reading now) with a few additions.

I love it!

This particular post came about after talking with someone close to me.  The long of the short is that I ended up saying this:

"I think both our current situations lend themselves to the important facts of relying on our faith and needing to tell ourselves the truth, not just one day but every day.

The truth is what God says.  And it can be applied to ourselves and to our circumstances.

We might also need to simply ask Him what He wants us to do or learn or ask why we're here [in this situation].  I asked Him for one reason as to why I had to stay longer where I am and I believe it was so I could meet and become friends with a certain woman.

I think these verses are better in context and I mainly thought of verse 28, but still, read them:

Romans 8:28-32 from the Amplified Bible
28 We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.

29 For those whom He foreknew [of whom He was aware and loved beforehand], He also destined from the beginning [foreordaining them] to be molded into the image of His Son [and share inwardly His likeness], that He might become the firstborn among many brethren.

30 And those whom He thus foreordained, He also called; and those whom He called, He also justified (acquitted, made righteous, putting them into right standing with Himself). And those whom He justified, He also glorified [raising them to a heavenly dignity and condition or state of being].

31 What then shall we say to [all] this? If God is for us, who [can be] against us? [Who can be our foe, if God is on our side?]

32 He who did not withhold or spare [even] His own Son but gave Him up for us all, will He not also with Him freely and graciously give us all [other] things?"

I said a couple other things and hoped they'd be encouraged, at the very least.  I have no idea if they were or not but that doesn't matter in my opinion.  Plant the seed and let God do the rest!  Hard to do but I try.

Anyway, I thought of verse 28 because I believe God will work things out for our good "to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose."  Despite the bad, the pain, and the frustration, God has a good plan.  Now, my attitude during those times could be the problem and definitely needs tweaking...

So, while tossing and turning, an image of a bench came into my mind.  It was a long, older-looking piece.  It had definitely been outside and had seen better days.  Then I imagined God perfectly painting it with a stark, no blemish white.  It then went through a storm and had that distressed look and another one and looked strained and more patchy, but it didn't matter.  God joyfully came to paint it again in that beautiful white.

I thought about it.  And figured, I'm the bench.

I go through rough times and look or feel the worse for wear.  I'm distressed, anxious, frustrated.  Yet, I go through good times and look or feel free.  I'm beautiful, peaceful, beaming.

I will always be reliant on God, no matter my circumstances.  I am being patiently painted by God, who has the perfect stroke to make me into the woman He created me to be and who won't ever quit until I'm with Him.


Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Naps

Adults should get daily naps!  I feel like that's all I need to say.  Everyone should agree.  There are advantages.  It's a no-brainer! 

I'm going to start a petition.

I've gotten to take one every day for a bit now, and it's glorious.  I feel refreshed after and ready for part two of the day!  Bonus: I still sleep at night!

I think I've overrun myself a smidge and my body is catching up.  Who can relate??  I mean, life is rough sometimes.

Well, off to get extra pampering in while I can! :)


Friday, February 15, 2019

Blindly Committed

This whole active duty military life introduction has been quite extreme and, at many times, humbling. 

I have two different perspectives: family and service member.  Lately, I've been on the member side and have been influenced by several outstanding people -- whether having a good conversation, helping get my gear, offering expertise, making me laughing, being a great dinner buddy, or simply being kind.  I'm not an expert at active duty, and I for sure don't claim to be, though wish I were a bit better for different reasons.  Nevertheless, I learn where I can, I get refreshers when needed, and I offer what I can.

The family side is much harder for me.  Learning that a phone call is a luxury and a text seems out of the question and learning some days will be filled with absolutely no communication at all.  Being filled with pride and being on the struggle bus.  Making new friends and making things up as you go.  Committing to having some sort of sanity and committing to make it through together.  All these things are part of the deal.

I continue to glean and try to understand the sacrifice one makes when serving our country.  And it's no joke when you hear that the family also serves -- I live it out now and talk to others on either side.  I truly believe service members are incredibly strong and sacrificial, and yet, family members are even more so, in some cases.

Since I have decided to join my life with an active duty military member, mostly I am thankful that I'm just coming in on the tail end and don't have to endure too many more years.  Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if I had been introduced at the beginning and had gone through all of the waves of change and unknowns with him.  Some days I am thankful we don't have a pet because it would be hard to take care of, but then again, I wish I had a companion.  Most days I'm thankful I don't have a kid yet, but there are times I wish had someone around to distract me.  Still not sure how some manage having a pet, a child, both, or multiples of each with the schedule we have!  May the Lord bless them.

Living with a heavy workload, enjoying the camaraderie, being thankful for quickly forged friendships, going through the act of arranging schedules to see the people you love, enduring the disappointment when one can't make that happen, seeing the support from communities and individuals, congratulating marriages that stand the test, praising and molding great leaders, respecting the President and Chain of Command, and enjoying relationships with others in this unique life are all part of it.  I think it's okay to acknowledge the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly as well as the fact that we as military members, and family members alike, persevere, sacrifice, and grow.

I've been given the privilege to see those three characteristics and many more displayed.  Listening to family members tell me some of their struggles as well as ways they have overcome various obstacles is a beautiful thing.  Having the courage to come ask for help, giving of their time to volunteer for an event, juggling home life and personal life, rallying for support whenever necessary, being honest and knowing they're not alone, using their time and talent to arrange an event, spending time with the Unit, and more are frequently seen and it is a wonderful wonder.

My guy has been gracious and has shown me and told me a plethora of information on this life, which is not unlike many others.  I can't begin to explain all that I have learned, and I know there is more to go.

Even today opened my eyes to another layer!  I'm in on a conversation with some guys and the convo changed...  One just divorced and the other has been married 5 years but has only lived with his wife for about one and a half of those years.  Long story for each but they love what they're doing and are torn because it has already or could tear their marriage.  They know it's tough, yet they haven't been (and won't ever be!) on the other side.  Not me.  I'm in the position of experiencing both those sides and hope to use that to help others.

Not that I'm going to solve the world's problems of any kind, by any means, but, in their cases, I think they needed some Joyce Meyer in their life!  She was pretty spot-on when she said that a lot of problems could be avoided if a man would say "I love you" everyday, in addition to "you're beautiful" and "you're the most important person to me" 3-4 times a week each to their wife.  Honestly, I think a lot of problems can be solved by the above but also realizing that most women want 3 things from a guy: 1) time, 2) attention, and 3) love.  That will look different for each couple, of course, but one or a combo should exist.  For example, my guy took time to buy me a card, a rose, and chocolates for Valentine's Day.  He also took time and gave me attention by texting and calling to talk to me on the day.  He showed me love in the way I receive it -- time and words.  He did so good!!  Now, I was 100 times more excited to give HIM a card and gift than he was to me but that's another story ;) 

I kept running into the younger guy (a good God-thing to me!), and actually got to have a nice chat with him.  He said he and his wife have what works for them -- calls, Skype, visits when possible, etc.  Still, I feel for his wife because we're in the same civilian boat.  And it's not fun.  I tried to lend another perspective.  Hopefully more good things like this will come!

In the end, I have definitely struggled more on the family member side for several reasons outside my control and I don't say this for pity's sake but to encourage those true family members who have to be a single parent, go days or months or years without their loved one, simply not understand what's going on, receive minimal communication, or not know if their loved one will come home at a decent hour, for a visit, or at all.  To you I say, you can do it; make sure your foundation is strong in faith. I will also lovingly tell military members that their job can be hard and difficulties will come, so I hope their foundation is strong in faith, too. Furthermore, I want to remind them, so they know without a doubt, that their family loves and needs them, wouldn't mind a message ever so often to say "I love you," wants them to succeed, is proud of them, sees and understands their sacrifice as best they can, and cherishes that they're in their life.


Saturday, February 2, 2019

Self-Talk

I know I'm a strong person, among many other qualities and characteristics.  Yet, sometimes I don't believe it and I definitely don't say it.  I don't believe it because I just unconsciously don't; deep down I know it's true but also insist I don't need a reminder.  I don't say "I am strong" or "I am beautiful" or "I am _____" because it would be a little weird to me to say those things and, I suppose, I rely on other people to tell me.

The reality is that I may or may not be those things but I sure need to hear them.  The reality is that if I don't say it, it may not be said at all.  The reality is that I do need to say positive things because they are true and I do need a reminder to believe it.  The reality is that God has already said a lot of the things I am referring to.

Unlike some, I do think words are powerful, and, unlike many, I know that I am very much a words person.  I can clinge to positive or negative words, and when I clinge too much to the negative it is not pretty.

Lately, I have been thinking about self-talk because I've heard that a person can be very influential or, rather, the most influential to one's own self.  Yes, you, can be the most influential to yourself.

I concluded my mind and thoughts can tell me lies or tell me truths.

So, I decided to tell myself truths ...while I look at myself in the mirror.  It sounds a little odd and it felt that way the first few times but now I like it and I think good is coming from it.  I chose to tell myself truths out loud, for starters.  I think that in and of itself can be very beneficial.  I went a step further to look at myself in the mirror for direct eye contact and to truly look at myself and speak the truth.

I refrain from saying things like "I will win the lottery" or other such nonsense that won't happen.  I actually just say things like:
I am loved
I am beautiful
I am funny
I am smart
I am confident
I am the righteousness of God
I am loving
I am patient
I am forgiven
I have self-control
Etc
I've noticed I'm drawn to the fruit of the Spirit and I think that's great.  Since I have the Spirit of God in me, I know what I'm saying is true.

I think saying things out loud not only helps me to believe them (for example, the "I am beautiful" or "I am loved") but, in hearing them boldly stated, it makes me want to actually be those things or be cultivating them more (for example, the "I am patient" or "I am strong" which is not a physical strength but a strength from God to endure circumstances and have the right attitude).

I wish other people would say these things to me  but sometimes they don't.  For example, I had to point out that my boss does not say many good things (praises), which actually led to attempts to give positive feedback.  However, it is visibly challenging for this person and seems to almost not want to come out, haha!  All I'm saying is that I can't rely on other people to give me what I want or think I need.  I heard a quote along the lines of, if you are messed up on the inside there's nothing anyone can ever say or do to fix you, and you will just drive them crazy.  I am messed up on the inside and, ultimately, the true fix of myself only comes from Jesus.

I don't think I'll do this mirror regimen forever but I've challenged myself to extend from roughly a week through the month of February.  The most startling thing so far is seeing how much my negative thoughts have brought me down and how many lies I have believed.  Once, I said a truth and started crying because I realized in that moment I hadn't heard those words in a long time, and I was believing the opposite, which was happening partially due to believing a lie and also partially because I hadn't heard the truth in awhile.

It's kind of crazy to think that saying something so simple out loud (only about 3 words at a time!) and literally to myself can be so freeing and good for the heart and soul.

I listened to the radio today and Lauren Daigle's hit song "You Say" came on.  It was very fitting.

"I keep fighting voices in my head that say I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I'm strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don't belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
I believe"

I choose to believe the truth, what God says of me.


Thursday, January 24, 2019

The Eyes Have It

I was enjoying the show a lot.  The choreography was fun, the music was upbeat, the singing was incredible, the jokes were funny.  And I sometimes sang along.

Then the stripper scene started.  I had forgotten about that in the story line...

I'm sitting there with a mini strip scene happening (in my opinion, since I've definitely never been to one) with a few men in the crowd hooting and hollering.  I don't really care that it's a part of the show, I don't care if it's not a true strip show, I don't care if everybody else was watching and enjoying it.  I was disgusted.

Oh, be careful little eyes what you see.

Our culture is so flooded with sex and people are desensitized to it.  Everywhere you turn, it seems someone is gesturing to it or some picture is alluding to it or someone is being very explicit about it or what have you.  It's not a big deal, they say.  It doesn't effect me, they say.  It's just a part of the show, they say. 

Wrong.

What happened to purity, both physical and mental?  What happened to hating what God hates?  What happened to actively trying to resist temptation?

Sin is a big deal.  Sexual sin is a sin.  And it will hurt you and hurt those you care about.

It makes me angry because I know God meant for one man to enjoy only one woman and vice versa, and yet there are shows that enable a person to sit and indulge visually on another woman's or man's body with that supposedly special someone right next to them.  It makes me angry because someone dancing around half-naked with a nice body and provocative moves is not real life, and I think it potentially gives someone false expectations.  It makes me angry that everyone just sat there and watched this very sexual dance go on and on.

I get that you can just enjoy the show.  I just wonder how many people went beyond the simple show. Who went beyond into the lust and adultery and impurity side of things?  I'll never know, of course.  That's between God and someone else's heart.

It's disappointing, to say the least.  Because, as much as I wish there was one person who looked away, I don't think there was.

I don't care if you think I'll never see another show again because I will -- it will surely be more PG, and I'll be happy and less tempted and less angry.  I don't care if you think I'm the only one that thinks this way because I definitely know I am not -- the women next to me even expressed their disgust.  I don't care if I never see a stripper scene again or am the only one who tries to resist temptation.  I don't care.  Because you know what?  I am, sometimes.  I am the only one who wasn't laughing at jokes disgracing God, in my opinion.  I am the one who got up during one of those sexy scenes to go to the bathroom and not have to watch it, because I don't want to put that rubbish in my mind or heart.

I don't say this to toot my own self-righteous horn.  That's not the point.  I most definitely have my own struggles.  I'm just saying it because I'm mad at the sin and brokenness in the world, how it affects me and others, and the lack of what I guess is conviction. 

Maybe this is just a wake-up call for myself and others.  Be aware of what you are watching and how it truly can and will affect you and others.  No one is perfect but we all have the opportunity to honor God, honor our own selves/bodies, and honor others (significant others included). 

Resist temptation and flee from it, by any means necessary.  Stand up for what's right.  Renew your desire for purity.  Even if you're the only one.

Monday, January 14, 2019

Just Words

Once you say it, you can't take it back.  Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.  If you wouldn't say it to their face, don't say it at all (or say it online, these days).  If you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to yourself.

Phrases like this are actually very truthful.  It's been interesting to think back to different phrases that I've heard like the ones above or even some like "you talk too much" or "you're quiet" -- as in you need to zip it sometimes and you don't talk enough, respectively -- are actually pretty enlightening.  To one extent or the other, I think all these phrases allude to the fact that words have power. 

We all speak or write words, so we all have power.  How are you using yours? 

I think you can either use that power to uplift or to tear down.  I also strongly believe that the words that come out of your mouth really come from your heart.  I just thought of one of my favorite verses in Psalm 19 which says, "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, oh Lord, my strength and my redeemer."

So, they're not just words. 

Want to know what's in someone's heart?  Sure, watch what they do but definitely listen to what they say, how they say it, and what they talk about in conversation.  Listen to their words.  What people think, what's in/on their mind, and what they meditate on in their heart will come out of their mouth.  Chew on that.

Beyond that, words have actions of their own but then they also can spark action.  No wonder the Bible warns, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it"!

Everything you do, flows through your heart.  I'm no Bible scholar but I think "do" here encompasses everything possible, so words are included.  Definitely chew on that.

Those actions, or words, can't be taken back.  And definitely can hurt.  However, there is a remedy called asking for forgiveness.  It doesn't matter if you're asking God for forgiveness or someone else for forgiveness.  A sincere "I'm sorry" can go a long way.  It can most definitely mend strained relationships. That is amazing when you really think about it!  It's two words, just two words!!  Those two simple words can help melt away so much.  And still, those two simple words can be very hard for some to say.

Relationships are built on a lot of things, one being words.  If you don't talk and communicate, you're not going to have a very good relationship.  If you don't ask for forgiveness and/or accept it, you're not going to have a very good relationship.  It's beyond unfortunate relationships die because of the lack of an apology -- that's a shame but also truth.

I think everyone has their standard of sorry/repentance, but for me, you don't have to grovel or anything.  I only expect a simple and sincere sorry and then for them to do better or be better in the future.  Similar to what my high school teacher used to say, "Don't be sorry, just be better!"

I get not saying something if it's not going to be nice, whether in person or online.  For example, in the heat of the moment, you might want an apology, you might want to say a lot of nasty things, you might want the other person to know you're hurt or offended, you might want to stand up for yourself or your opinion, ect. ...you might actually need to Shut. Your. Mouth. 

I am truly horrible at this.  Though, somehow, I feel I'm pretty decent at not saying something too mean.  The thing that really gets me is when you're trying to have an actual, normal conversation and get nothing.  Like radio silence.

Not saying a word is a response.  It is more often than not conjured up to be negative in the other's mind, from what I have gathered myself.  So, you are sending a message if you purposely choose not to say anything.  Whoever says differently is a liar or kidding themselves. 

I've noticed the less someone responds (i.e. doesn't give me words), the less I want to talk.  It's more out of hurt and immaturity and somehow like I'm getting revenge.  Over time though, I'd rather punch their face.  That seems normal, right?  Well, the wanting to talk less part. Ha!  If the other person is not responding, why would I talk?  It's like I'm having a conversation with the wall, if in person, and like the iCloud, if via text.  Sometimes I have to force myself to talk and not get offended when I don't get anything back to stuff I say.  This is hard and I don't like it.  Why can't everyone talk like I want them to talk and carry a conversation??

Then there is the opposite, when someone talks too much to me.  I usually get annoyed when it's just about something I've listened to enough already (like we're 15 minutes deep and I'm starting not to care) or it's something I already know, which tends to happen at work.  I start giving subtle hints that I don't want to talk.  I also want to punch their face.

No physical harm has ever been done, just FYI.

Okay, moving on.  Not saying something to yourself if you wouldn't say it to a friend... Yikes!  I definitely need to clean up my self-talk!

Negative self-talk can be very destructive, while positive self-talk can be very healing, even protective.  Negativity may spread like wildfire and positivity like harden putty, but being positive is crucial.  It doesn't have to be a lot, either.  Just being thankful for one thing a day is a start.

Heck, are negative talk can be destructive.  Personally, I don't like complainers and I have to confess that I have unfortunately fallen into that hole.  I complain about work (amongst other things) and, shocker, it doesn't make it better.  It just makes me angry and riled up.  I'm convicted by the power words have, by the environment I'm creating (which isn't a good one), and by a verse telling us to refrain from all grumbling and complaining -- "Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I [Paul] may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain."

Clearly, there are many, many verses in the Bible about one's words.  There are also many on the mouth and tongue, from which words obviously come out.  I haven't gotten to those yet ;)

My quick study on "words" has cemented in my brain that words are not "just" words but have meaning,  power, and more, and shouldn't be taken lightly.


Sunday, January 6, 2019

Multi-Faceted

There are many sides of me:
Happy Jessie
Productive Jessie
Insecure Jessie
Ungrateful Jessie
Grateful Jessie
Competitive Jessie
Generous Jessie
Scared Jessie
Not confident Jessie
Sweet Jessie
Creative Jessie
and the list could go on and on.

There are sides of me that I don't like and there are  obvious sides that I do like.  Course, doesn't everyone like the good, positive ones?

I've come to realize that some of the not so pleasant and good sides are coming to the surface.  Some I have suppressed, consciously or unconsciously.  None of them I like; I want nothing to do with the yucky ones.  And yet, here they are in all their ugliness for me to deal with, to drag others through along with me (not recommended), and to get rid of, hopefully. 

I want them gone forever.  I wish that want was all it took.  I wish becoming more like Christ was a lot easier.  It is hard work/discipline.  It is not fun.  It is ugly.  It is sometimes very ugly.  It is refining.

The bad ones like insecure Jessie, for instance, are not dealt with gracefully.  But something must be done about them.  I can't keep suppressing or not wanting to deal with the bad.  And some I thought I had dealt with a long time ago yet are raring their head again, wanting to beat me.  However, I want to destroy them with truth.

God's truth.  Truths like: I am secure in Christ; I am the righteousness of Christ Jesus; I am strong in the Lord; God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind; I have the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control.

Further, I have to come back to the fact God loves me despite all the bad and no matter the end result.

I see more often the effects of leaving sins and shortcomings to be dealt with later, to be swept under the rug, to be suppressed, etc.  It's not good for me, by any means, and it's most certainly not good for those around me, who are affected.

Whether you understand what I saying or not, I think we can all relate to being refined in some form or fashion.

We are all being refined, right?  I know I am being refined by God and because He loves me, and I can only be refined because sin, all my sin, has been dealt with on the cross by Christ.

That's always the answer even if the path seems difficult to such a simple answer.