Special

I remember a time when people would say I'm special.  I think it was because I really tried to do right and make others feel special.

I don't try as hard these days, honestly. 

There's only been one other time I explicitly backed off from doing things, which was after finishing being an RA.  I was burned out.  I would take a lot of time and effort to make and write cards, organize something fun, try to keep in touch with phone calls, etc.  I grew tired of organizing fun things, inviting people, making/preparing food, cleaning, etc for a poor turnout.  I grew tired of others not calling me to see how I was doing.  I grew tired of spending time on others when they didn't spend much time on me.

I would drive hours on end to see a friend and only about two friends have visited me since leaving OK (if you count guys who had crushes).  I spend time and money on flying places for once in a lifetime events and it seems but a few will do the same for me.  I drop everything to help out or chat.  I put relationships first and others do not, period.

I think my reason to not do stuff now is along the same lines.  People don't reciprocate.  People do what they want and put what's important to them first.

I know my obviously faulty thinking is that it's tit for tat, in a positive way.  I do this, they do that ...but along the same lines as what I had done and along the same intensity.  It would be easier if I could just control them.  Hahaha!!  I awkwardly laugh so it doesn't turn to crying because that definitely has not happened every time.  Not at all.  And I don't want to be controlling.

It's not like I did (or do) everything expecting something in return.  In a way, that's a natural response, but maybe I should focus on trying to do more things with no expectations.  It would be a slow and painful process (how to begin?!) but would save headache.  I'd also like to focus on the times people did show, did make me feel special and a priority, and did put relationships first.  Those are some great memories :)

Besides that, I'd like to get back to knowing I'm so loved by God and full of life that I can give without having to receive as I would think fit (or from whom I would think is fit).

Spending time with God lends itself mightily to this last goal of spending time with God, the most important goal. 

Today I texted "don't you feel special?" to someone in jest.  Then read the following verses and thought of all the above.  It's hard to love other people (makes me think of the quote, "love difficult people, you are one of them") but we, as Christians, are called to do so.

Galatians 6:7-10
Do not be deceived and deluded and misled; God will not allow Himself to be sneered at (scorned, disdained, or mocked by mere pretensions or professions, or by His precepts being set aside.) [He inevitably deludes himself who attempts to delude God.] For whatever a man sows, that and that only is what he will reap.

For he who sows to his own flesh (lower nature, sensuality) will from the flesh reap decay and ruin and destruction, but he who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.

And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint.

So then, as occasion and opportunity open up to us, let us do good [morally] to all people [not only being useful or profitable to them, but also doing what is for their spiritual good and advantage]. Be mindful to be a blessing, especially to those of the household of faith [those who belong to God's family with you, the believers].