Fixin' the Flat

I believe my time on the struggle bus has definitely not been the joyride I'd like instead but has shown me quite a lot.  And I'm not off yet. 

It is slightly shameful to say I know my attitude hasn't been perfect throughout the ride, shall we say?  I've had my moments of meltdowns, quasi-screaming matches, and wanting to give up and get out.

I suppose the reason why I don't give up is because God is with me and I know I'll make it through with Him.  Easier said than done, sometimes.  Yet, God has brought me through so many things in life and He's not going to stop now.  I have to keep telling myself that, since I think what you tell yourself is more powerful sometimes, and I think people can just be spouting off stuff and not know truly what you need, but God knows you and, if you are His, He is in you so you can tell yourself Truths and what you actually need.

So, that's one lesson:  people who don't know you will tell you something like "depends on what you make of it" (i.e. a situation out of your control), "don't complain," or whatever sounds good at the moment.  A lot of that is rubbish in my book, these days.  I don't need someone to tell me what they think I want to hear or a simple "don't do ____"; I actually want someone to come in beside me to help, whether that is just simply being there or taking a larger role.  {To those who commented on my last post, thank you. You know me and you were encouraging, despite the distance.  I know you love and care about me! :)}  So, I've learned that I used to be that person who gave blanketed advice.  Not that that's bad all the time but I now realize I don't really want to believe those people when they don't spend the time to actually get to know me, know my story, know where I'm coming from, know where I've been, etc.  I can see a bit more clearly how and why the gospel is more relational and an action than not.

Lesson number two:  life is not perfect and those who believe it is or can be are delusional.  I also once was this type of person.  Sure, I have had my struggles like anyone else, and I have had certain hardships, maybe unlike many others.  Still, I've had really, really awesome experiences unlike others.  To me, most of my life has been pretty dang good.  And it's really not that bad right now!  I just know I strive for perfection and expect it in others, so I get disappointed, frustrated, and mad.  I have to quit striving, which is something I learned 10 years ago.  I thought I put it to rest pretty well then, so I'm hoping this isn't a lesson that pops up every decade... Ha!

Surely it won't, but I'm seeing that life is just not as easy right now, which brings me to lesson number three.  I want things to be easy!  When it was just me, it was.  I made my own decisions, I consulted really only myself and my bank account, and I did what I wanted when I wanted.  Easy.  Throw in another person you're about to marry, a job you don't like but can't get away from, and not having a ton of friends nearby and you get a different result.  It's a new game to maneuver in and some days it does not feel easy.

Life lesson number four:  people do what THEY want to do.  People are so selfish!  Myself included.  These days, I find myself being shocked by this fairly regularly.  Someone once said to me that marriage (or romantic relationships) makes you keenly aware of this sin, and they were right!  Still, it doesn't matter the context or the relation, to me.  I'd like to think I'm not too selfish, defined as lacking consideration for others and concerned chiefly with one's own profit or pleasure, by putting others first more often than not, like 80/20, but it's probably more 60/40 or in some cases straight up 50/50.  Let's be real, some days I am bit by the selfish bug and some days I see it biting others.  I've seen that I can say something multiple times and in multiple ways and get practically nothing in return or at least not something done the same way over the long haul.  I can even sit there listening to them say to my face what I would like to have happen -- of course, in some cases, with my mouth about to drop because they know what I want but still don't do it, ha!  Then again, maybe I don't actuslly want this because I would want it to come from the heart, not just me repeating myself until they do it.  Nonetheless, my theory is that it ultimately comes down to a want.  People are perfectly capable of doing what you ask, like most don't have physical restraints, for instance, but the desire (or the remembering...?) to do what another wants does not always win out.  (Hmm, sounds similar to flesh and Spirit battling.  And the one who wins is the one being fed!)  I can't do anything about someone not putting me first other than try not get my feelings hurt.  So, maybe I'm jaded but people are selfish and do what they want.

They may want to do something once, once a month, or once a year... or completely sporadically.  This brings me to my fifth life lesson:  people are not very consistent.  For someone like myself who strives to be consistent and has even been marked as being "steady," this is hard to swallow.  It's hard for me to understand how one can't keep something going, especially if it's beneficial.  It may be hard but that's to be expected.  If it weren't hard I probably wouldn't do it and it definitely wouldn't be considered a goal ...or rewarding, for that matter.  My mom recently shed some light on this by telling me that my Dad and I have the same trait of deciding to do something and sticking with it.  We are disciplined and, thus I think, consistent.  Boy, I wish people were more like me!  Haha!  If patients would consistently eat right, if significant others more consistently _____, if work was more consistently _____, if get togethers were consistent, etc.  Reminds me that God is the only one who is ever consistent and unchanging, which brings me to the fact I was given a picture where God fills in the gaps when people are inconsistent, when people fall short.  And another obvious picture is the Cross.

Furthermore, while on the struggle bus, I've overcome or at least pinpointed fears.  I have seen characteristics in people I do not want whatsoever in my life to the extreme that I have seen them.  I've seen how much I rely on others to feel loved through what they say and do, which is precarious because they can't love me fully no matter what and it's a lot of pressure on them.  I'm trying to accept differences and things I don't like.  I've re-learned I really like having something to do, specifically something fun to do.  I'm standing up for myself; I'm not letting people walk all over me nor am I trying to always be a people pleaser anymore.  I'm calling people out on their you know what, most of the time tactfully and graciously.  I know I'm not alone, though sometimes it seems that way.  I still make my needs and wants to known, even if I don't see them come about, because I want them to have a chance.  I know I need to laugh.  I'm trying to be a stronger person and am definitely stronger in faith in God.

All that to say, through all the lessons and many other learnings/observances/changes, I know that no matter what happens I'll be okay.  Taking life one step at a time, one day at a time.  Me and God.

Oh So Over It

God wants to change you more than He wants to change your circumstances.  I'm paraphrasing but that's one thing Joyce Meyer has stated.  Whether it's super biblical or not, the context in which she was saying it makes it seem so.

She has also stated that men could avoid a lot of problems if they would just say I love you to their wives everyday, say their wife is beautiful three or four times a week, and say that they are the most important person in their life three to four times a week.  I most definitely agree with that!

Anyway, I'd have to agree on God wanting to take us through things to show us our sin and how we need Him and how we need to change.

Boy, does that stink.  And I'm over it.

Definitely over the past 3 months, I have been struggling.  It's definitely gotten better with a consistent quiet time, yet things still erk me and I still want to change circumstances to what I want.  Also, I want to know why things are unfolding the way they are.  I can fathom some guesses...

Sometimes, though, I get to my wits end and just think that this is just how things are, how they're going to be.  I just have to accept it.  I have my ups and downs.  I have my real angry and frustrated and disappointed spells.  I have my peaceful times, however rare.  I have my "I do not understand this whatsoever" moments.  I have my wide-eyed, bewildered looks.  I have my groans and OMGs.  I have "you are ridiculous!" and "why don't you understand?!" flying out of my mouth.  I definitely have my come-to-Jesus moments.

Those are the hard but great moments.  Because Jesus knows it all and is the only One who can take care of it all.

I've come to realize that my work environment is likely not to change anytime soon and, if any pisitive change comes at all, it will probably be very, very slow.  The fight in me is boiling up and up and I would rather it not turn into flight.  Pretty much everyday is a test, and I mostly fail.  I let little things get to me and rub me the wrong way.  Then there are some big things that I feel helpless over.  Lord, help me.

I've come to realize that my fiance's work schedule is awful and isn't likely to change anytime soon.  I feel lucky to get a phone call for any amount of time because he is so "busy."  I'm also lucky if we happen to get a weekend day off together -- they are a magical unicorn.  Communication is minimal, time together is short (but sweet), sleep for him is lackluster.  Work seems to consume him.

In both these situations, it really doesn't matter what I want because it's not going to happen.  I can say what I want, all I want, about anything under the sun -- I want autonomy at work, I want to be thought of more, I want more communication, I want to make friends and for ones to visit, I want my guy to not be so busy, I want him to have an 8-5 work schedule (or better!), I want my headaches to go away, I want to dance, and the list goes on! -- but I'll most likely not see all these wants.

We're not guaranteed wonderful jobs, schedules, or circumstances at all times.  I get it.  I'm just tired of feeling beat up at every angle.  I kinda feel like Job, on a  lesser scale.

Someone once said, "what baby girl wants, baby girl gets!" alluding to me, but I can tell you, without a doubt, that is not true.  I don't want this.  I don't want a terrible job or a hard and terrible schedule to work around in order to see and talk to someone I love.  I don't want to feel unappreciated or unloved.  I don't want to be angry or resentful.  I don't want it to be so cold outside.  I actually don't want a lot of things right now.

If I would have really truly known how this job was going to be, I would not have taken it.  I can only say that I wish someone had said how terrible military life can be.  You know, something like, "Oh, by the way, you'll rarely see or talk to him.  And I am NOT joking.  Good luck!"

Maybe people did warn me of the military life...  I guess I had this delusion that it would be different for me.  That it would be good.  But now, I'm pretty convinced family and relationships suffer a lot and possibly too much, and they will not succeed if each person does not have a firm foundation in Christ.  Might I just add, pray for all those who sacrifice for our freedom.

So, circumstances aren't changing, just trying to personally change to who God wants.  I suppose I just don't want to change too much and I don't see why I have to change and not the other person.  Maybe, however, it will be more like an Esther story and that I am being and have been prepared for such a time as this.

Time will tell.

I've Got the [Man] Flu

The Urgent Care PA says "good luck" every time I leave.  I feel like what he's really saying is, "Good luck. ...Don't die."

Well, I know I won't die suddenly because of whatever I'm currently fighting but maybe it is speeding up the process...!  I am pretty miserable with a nasty cough, super runny nose, congested everywhere, incessant headache, mild chest pain, ect.  I've gone to urgent care more in the past month then, oh, ever and I'm taking more medicine now than I ever have in my life!

I feel as though I don't complain too much about being sick or not feeling well.  I have my examples.  Though, I would like some sympathy every once in awhile.  And complaining and wanting sympathy have definitely been happening lately!  Those are just the facts.

I have been battling sinus infection after sinus infection and now whatever probable virus that's been passed along to me.  The days have been long and pain-filled on many levels, to say the least.  The unrecognizable voice that's coming out of my mouth is weird and the utterly fuzzy thoughts and speech are highly annoying.  Producing mucus the size of a quarter or dime in the mornings and having a chest pain I've never experienced in my life are astonishing.  I don't remember the last time I've had so many tickles in my throat making me cough or the last time I've consumed such an enormous amount of cough drops.  

The thought just occurred to me that I'm basically one step away from being in my patient's shoes.  Or I am in some of their shoes, just I choose not to go to the hospital for what plagues me, ha!

And yet, the show must go on!  I still have to dress myself, go to bed early, clean my apartment, cook meals for myself (and sometimes the boy gets them too), wake up and go to work, and so on.  Yeah, my boss still accepts me to do my job, my guy still expects me to do stuff for him, and I still expect myself to do things.  Weird.  The world should stop and I should be in my bed.  Duh. 

However, my guy tries to be  nice and do some things for me (pay back for when he was sick, ha!) and I've definitely been better about foregoing things and getting rest.  

There's no real moral to this story.  If you can think of one, lemme know.  

Hmm, maybe it is just avoid getting sick. :P  

Women Really Are From Venus

I just attended one of the best weddings!  Not only did I know both the bride and groom, which is always awesome, but my guy came with me to enjoy the harmonious event.  I have to admit that it was basically the wedding I would want -- lots of love, lots of friends and family, super fun reception, and beautiful ceremony in which the pastor did a great job incorporating the biblical roles of man and wife along with the different types of love and blending it all together with how marriages need Christ, how we all need Christ.

It was special, and I'm very happy for them.  I look forward to my own wedding, whether the groom does or not (Is a man ever interested in a wedding?!) and now have some new vigor for planning and prepping for it!

So, the planning is getting a venue,  guest list, florist, etc. and some of the prepping comes with premarital stuff, which brings me to the sequel,  in a sense, to the "Men Really Are From Mars" post.

I felt compelled to read the book that actually pertained to me.  I also slowed my reading of the other relationship books and started asking my guy questions to get his personal response/needs.  So, yes, I stopped skimming "For Guys Only" (and pestering my guy to read it no matter how beneficial I think it may be -- you can only change myself, right?) and finished reading "For Women Only."

In short, there weren't any majorly new concepts about men I hadn't already known.  However, I did get a few new answers or ways to approach said concepts.

I suppose I think of the fact you should treat others how you want to be treated.  However, it was recently brought to my attention that this might not be a brilliant philosophy, basically because everyone does want to be treated differently (like I might want to be given a hug so give one but the other person receiving that hug may actually want to not be touched).  Anyway, that's not the point of this blog or the book, so moving on...

The book quickly goes into 8 "revelations:"
Men need respect
Men are insecure
Men avoid issues by 'checking out'
Men are providers
Men want more sex
Men are visual
Men are unromantic
Men care about appearance
and gives a small "what that means in practice" statement before delving into each more deeply.  For example, the simple explanation for "men need respect" is that "men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected;" "men want more sex" is that "your desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well being and confidence in all areas of his life;" "men avoid issues..." is that men address issues by first pulling away to process and think -- so they can better talk about them later;" and the statement "men are unromantic" is explained as  "actually most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways than women) and want to be romantic -- but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed."

The book also clearly states the content is not to bash men but to reveal men's wiring, acknowledges that there are exceptions, is not saying how your man should relate to you, etc.  I'd say I feel the book is very much about spouse to spouse relations, not any and all relations, such as co-workers or family.  I also noticed statements that could be true for most anyone, such as "they want to come home to a totally accepting environment, where they can safely let their guard down" (who doesn't want that?! Or search and long for it?) and "if [a man] knows that the person who knows him best believes in him, he is empowered to do better in every area of his life" (wouldn't most people, if this were true?).  Furthermore, the book makes this point which I think is so, so true: "each of us can adapt and do things that are important for our mates, even when they don't come naturally."

This brings up the issue that sometimes I feel it doesn't matter how much I want to try to understand a guy if they don't care to know how I tick, in return.  There won't be mutual understanding without effort and hard work.  Sounds like a two-way street, like a relationship, huh?

I still dove in.  Surely all this study will help.

So, to begin, the biggest thing a man needs -- according to this book and other sources I've gleaned from over the years -- is respect.  "A man deeply needs the woman in his life to respect his knowledge, opinions, and decisions -- what I (the author) would call his judgment."  In respecting his abilities, men want to figure things out for themselves and, if women "help," it equates to distrust.  So, ladies, just let him do it.  Beyond that, I thought what the author said about it being harder to not show disrespect, that this takes more effort, is true.  I do respect my guy but asked about ways he interprets disrespect from me and it was helpful.

Other sections of the book just got me riled up.  And not in a good way.  The part about men basically having a Rolodex of images of women in their mind because "they're visual" is hard to swallow.  First, most women do not have this issue so it's very difficult to fathom for me.  Second, it makes you think about society being so sex driven and how that's actually harmful.  This is sad.  There's a lot more temptation and ads and whatnot bombarding our minds and thoughts.  There is a battle, whether you admit it or not.  Third, I wish men's minds were pure and their thoughts were for their wife alone as it was intended by God, I believe.  Fourth, I can understand to an extent that this is "normal" but in some ways where do excuses stop?  You were looking (or worse) at a lady who isn't your significant other.  The end.  Fess up, ask for forgiveness, and actively do something to not have it happen again or repeatedly.  "Hopefully, the man denies himself that short-term rush in order to honor God, his wife, or his mental purity and thus establish deeper pleasure down the road."  Fifth, the book tries to give encouragement like "this doesn't impact his feelings for you," "it's not because of you," and that you should pray for him (as well as yourself).  Yes, one should pray.

Side note: I've been praying (simply talking to God) a lot more lately about all sorts of life things and it works.

There were some striking things in the book, such as the way a woman chooses to love her man in the way he needs, about dwelling on images and thoughts of other women or dismissing them, a woman's effort in appearance mattering, and how a man's need to provide weighs him down.  "Okay, if you're like me, you probably been viewing your man sexual need as mostly physical -- important, yes, but probably also optional. ... But once you realize that your man is actually saying, 'This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and it's critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,' well... that suddenly puts it in a different category."  Let me tell ya, there have definitely been times when I do not/have not had this point of view about a guy and sex.  Lots could be said here but I'll move onto another fact I found fascinating, which was "although few men can stop an involuntary image from popping up in their heads, and few men can stop themselves from wanting to look, they can (and often do) exercise the discipline to stop themselves from actually doing so.  On the survey, the biggest factor in whether a man made this choice wasn't whether he was older, married, or happy in his relationship.  It was whether he regularly attended religious services."  Wow.  A single positive changing factor on this one issue.  I believe because God addresses your thought life and your purity.  Second to last observation was  supposedly a woman making the effort to look good makes her man feel loved and cared for.  "Consider one husband's honest comment: my wife is trying to slim down right now, and it makes me feel like a million bucks.  I know she's also doing it for herself, but the fact that she cares about how she looks as a total turn-on, if you want to know the truth.  I tell her all the time how much I appreciate the work she's putting into this."  For me, I feel like I already make a big effort in how I look (role reversal??  Ha!), so we'll have to wait to see if it comes true in my relationship (likely after pregnancy and so on).  Finally, "being a provider appears to be at the core of a man's identity as a male and as a person of worth: he feels that to be a man, he needs to be a provider."  Yikes.  That seems a heavy burden and one to become a potential idol so I agree with this: "we should appreciate our mate's drive to work, provide, and succeed as long as they maintain some balance and the home relationships remain strong."

All of the readings have been very interesting.  And at times, I feel like I put some of those "so how do we (as women) respond?" suggestions into practice and they do not work.  Other times, I read a page and then practically scream I want "that" and don't even get it! 

Live, learn, talk, and move on, I guess, but sometimes I think I can know all about a guy from reading but really I'll never truly know because I'm a woman.  Truthfully, I thought once I'd like to think like a guy for just a day to see what it's like!  Wouldn't that be something.

Nonetheless, it's been enlightening to read books and learn, and talk and ask questions with my guy.  I know more will come.  Bless the ears who will listen or get yanked to do so!

I Just Don't Wanna

When was the last time you had to do something you didn't want to do?

If you're anything like me, it was probably just a few hours ago!

I was in my nice warm apartment, had just gotten out of my nice warm shower, and was getting into my nice warm PJs.  Yet I knew I should get out in the cold to take the trash out.

Obviously, I did not want to do it.  It wouldn't take too long but I did not want to be inconvenienced or be taken away from my warmth and comfort.

Sound familiar?  Well, what if I added another layer?  What if, on top of the fact that you didn't want to do some act, you were doing it for someone else? 

Yep, I was taking out the trash for my fiance, so had to trek outside and then drive to the house.

Eventually I was convicted by the verse that you should put others above yourself:  "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭2:3-4‬ ‭

I see a lot of my selfishness these days, likely because I'm in a relationship.  It's not awesome to see the not-so-pretty side of yourself.  But if I didn't, I wouldn't have the need for Jesus to save me from my sins, whether selfishness, pride, unbelief, lack of self control, worry, or the flavor of the day.

I was taking out the trash and being inconvenienced for my guy.  This is not the first time nor will it be the last time.  I pray my attitude will be different next time, though.  I pray I would be more grateful that I get to serve him and do it in joy.

I also thought of the of the fact that vindication comes from God.  Let me add another layer by asking, what if you didn't get the same in return? What if the other person wouldn't be inconvenienced for you?

This may happen.  Just because you do something nice for someone doesn't mean they're going to do something nice in return.  Yet, as Christian, I am called to the above verse, to look to others interests.

True confession that the thought I wouldn't be "paid back" crossed my mind.  I thought, "What if he just takes my inconvenience for granted, my serving him for granted and does not do the same for me?"  Don't get me wrong... He doesn't purposely smite me, ha!  But reality is that his selfishness has happened and it will happen again, just like mine.

However, that is not a reason to not serve another person or to not show them love, especially the love of Christ.  Honestly, I had to pray about my thoughts and my attitude.  I also had to forgive him for the incident that crossed my mind, where I felt slighted, and try to think the best of him.

No one is flawless.  I'm working on mine everyday by and with God's grace.  I'm thankful for His guidance and His mercy, and the Holy Spirit for bringing the not-so-pretty stuff to light  to be purged in order to be more Christ-like. 

It is a process and at times painful, but I'm not alone and it is worth it!

Big Brothers

Year after year, I get to stop and think of my brothers, especially my oldest.  I paused today, on the day of his death, to not only call my Mom and talk about him but to also think: it's weird that some people don't even know that I have any siblings.  They only know me.  Then some only know Jacob, who blessed me by face-timing yesterday with me.  But then there are some very fortunate souls who have known both Jordan and Jacob.

It's also strange when a small portion of your day just freezes but the day goes on.  People have no idea what you're thinking or even to ask about what happened so long ago.  It just seems so immediate in that moment.

That happened today.  But there are other moments I think of my brother Jordan, like when a veteran recently died and the casket was being brought down the hallway or when a family member reads the annual poem on holiday.  I guess I think about him most when I hear or see other deaths, though.

During the day, as I said, I thought about the fact that  some people have no idea I had a brother and about the fact that he will not get to meet important people in my life until we join him in heaven.  I know my other family members feel the same.  That is sad.

As I write this, though, I think of the fact I never question that he loved me dearly or was proud of me because he always told me so.  He was also so lavish with compliments on how pretty I was and lavish with hugs and kisses.  I didn't realize how spoiled I was back then, and it does pain me that I took it for granted.  Wish I could get a hug now...

Jordan was so special.  He was loved by many and truly touched everyone he came in contact with.  There are countless stories from countless people who all sing the same song.  That is amazing.  I hope whenever I go that my life will prove no different.

Men Really Are From Mars

I've been reading a lot more lately because
1. I've been meaning to get back to it
2. I do enjoy it and, depending on the genre/material, I definitely learn something
3. I'm enduring a schedule change that allows it -- and there's only so much Trivia Crack you can play in one day ;)

To catch you up to speed, I'm actually pretty busy throughout the day at work, which is a nice change.  It's just that my fiance's schedule has changed, so it feels like I went into a long distance relationship overnight.  Oh wait, I really did. 

So, I naturally have more time on my hands in the evenings to do stuff, and I've decided to read and obviously get back to blogging.  Yay! 

For reading, I've been hooked on marriage books, though they talk about men and women in general and relationships in general, too.  I'm drawn to them at the moment because of premarital counseling and because I find it fascinating to learn about men and women and how God created us.

I thought I knew some stuff about guys... I do have a Dad and brothers and thought I knew enough, but, now that I'm in a long-term relationship, I'm learning I don't know as much as I thought!  I'm learning a lot now!  Sometimes the hard way.

I know some relationship woes are because of sin, because of personality differences, because of different backgrounds/upbringings, because of age, etc.  I'm seeing some of all of the above. And so I am reading.

Books are telling me that women like to work on the relationship and men don't.  Books are telling me that men are takers and women are givers.  Books are telling me that men and women think differently.  Books are telling me that men and women communicate differently.  I could go on... and I agree with all of these statements.  And some of them are very, very much seen in everyday life.

It's not that I didn't know all of that before but maybe more on the surface level, like those statements.  The books, thankfully, dive in deeper.  For this reason (and others, let's be real!)  I wish my guy would read just one of them!  Ha!

I, of course, think they would help ours and any relationship leaps and bounds since they describe why a woman is the way she is and why a man is the way he is.  It's not rocket science in my book, but the way my female mind works when it's compared to his is sometimes hard to swallow.  It's definitely something I have to re-read or remind myself again about or go through scenarios or whatever.  It's also definitely hard in the heat of the moment to remember his mind and, thus, actions and words, can be quite different from my female ones.

A simple biological example from the book entitled, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, is this:
"Somewhere between 18 and 26 weeks into a pregnancy, a male's baby hormones start to kick in gear and the results are significant.  The bundle of nerve fibers connecting the right and left hemispheres of the brain starts to disintegrate.  This causes a breakdown of communication between the two hemispheres.  This is important because of the activity that takes place in these two hemispheres.  The left side of the brain has the logic and reasoning centers of the brain.  The right side houses emotions, feelings, judgments about beauty, and social relationships.  It turns out that about 85% of men end up being left-brain thinkers; they are extremely logical in their approach to life, impacting the way they problem-solve and act in relationships. ... We men do not 'get in touch' with our feelings easily, and it is precisely this struggle that women end up misinterpreting as lying.  But men aren't necessarily lying when we come across as phonies, it is that men can't move from being left-brained to being right-brained with ease. ... Men were therefore born to think unilaterally.  We think in either the right or left hemispheres, but seldom in both at the same time. ... Women, on the other hand, have no such breakdown between the two.  Plus, the female hormone estrogen prompts nerve cells to grow more connections within the brain and between the hemispheres while the female is still in the womb."  All of this to me is just one  incredible explanation as to why men and women think differently!

The books give examples like that and they also have the objective of creating a more harmonious relationship by telling you differences between the sexes, ways to understand those differences, expectations and disappointments (which are usually on the woman's side), ways to alleviate those disappointments, and use all the above to positively build the relationship.  For example, the book "For Men Only" (Don't judge! I only skimmed this one!), which is super straightforward and hits the nail on the head, so I highly recommend it for men, says, "In the reassurance chapter we talked about the fact that even the most secure women are plagued by insecurity running under the surface.  It's a deep personal doubt that makes her question, 'Does he really love me?' and 'Are we okay?'  If that insecurity is triggered by conflict or distance between you, she needs reassurance of your love.  Unfortunately for us take-things-at-face-value males -- and this is where we get the most frustrated -- in this situation your wife or girlfriend is likely to subconsciously pull back.  Not because she needs space but because she is desperately hoping you will follow. ... Rather than get frustrated that she's playing games or testing us or even being manipulative, we need to see her actions for what they are: a plea for reassurance.  One key type of reassurance is to pursue her when you think you might have done something wrong, even if she isn't owning up to it yet.  Go with your gut. ... After I finally got it, what I had thought of as a test became my visible signal of her invisible need.  My next move wasn't always easy, but it is simple: don't withdraw but ask more questions."  Bingo.

This male author goes on to give another great example in a different area: "Our research shows that, yes, women want security.  But they mean something very different by it than we [men] do. ... Since most guys would never seem to put emotional and security together in the same sentence, what does such a foreign concept look like in practical terms? Here's what we learned:
[What security means to her is that:]
1. She feels that the two of you are close
2. She sees that you make time together a priority
3. She sees your commitment to her
4. She sees that you're active in the life of the home
5. She sees you making an effort to provide (as long as that doesn't cry it out 1-4)"
He then goes on to explain what each of those means.  I'm not going to go on because you can read it for yourself.  It's good, insightful, and true stuff!

I found this next part also to be so true.  The author talks about beauty and says, "As it turns out, your wife's continuing desire to feel beautiful -- and to be beautiful for you -- is a deeply rooted need that explains a lot of other behaviors that have baffled men for centuries. ... Listen, after an inexcusably long learning curve, I've come to realize a few crucial facts about beauty and my wife.  These facts are fundamental in every marriage and have the power to radically change your relationship and mine for the better, beginning with the next words we speak to her.

Fact 1. That little dancing girl is still very much alive inside my dear wife. Only now she twirls for me.
Fact 2. In our marriage, whether I find her beautiful may or may not be foremost in my  mind, but it is an everyday (even if subconscious) issue for her.
Fact 3. In our house, there's really only one mirror.  And that mirror is me.
Fact 4. Every day I can reflect back to her the words she so needs to hear.  But if I don't, I leave her vulnerable to both her inner questions and external pressure from an intimidating world.
Fact 5. In my hand I hold a hammer."

Side note: I believe those inner questions can stem from many issues/circumstances/insecurities/whatever, not just beauty.  And can be slain by proper thinking (i.e. renew your mind with God's Word) and proper affirmations from those we love.  So be aware, ladies and gents. 

"Remember, you're not just the guy who shares her space, you're her most important mirror -- the man who can reflect back to her how lovely you think she is.  The man whose opinions of her are the best antidote for the damaging internal dialogue and external pressure that can stalk her thoughts. ... Just think of a few affirming words -- 'You look beautiful today' -- and say them.  It is also important to train yourself to say it when she needs it.  In other words, right away. ... We now know that women are powerfully affirmed by knowing that their husbands find them beautiful.  But that power has a dark side.  Because if a woman sees her husband's eyes also affirming the beauty of other women, she ceases to feel special.  Suddenly, not only is she not affirmed, she's in competition with the world again -- including for the attention of the one man she thought she already had.  That's when the hammer hits the mirror that's you -- the most important mirror in her life -- and shatters it."

Strong words about needing reassurance, getting  emotional security, and having one's beauty affirmed but I've seen/heard it time and again in my own life and in the lives other women.

I want to say "Step up, men!"  This is necessary and good, and yet I also realize that we, as women, need to find our worth, value, and more in God first.

I'm praying...

Life Lesson #3072

Life is full of all sorts of stuff -- lessons, teachings, disappontments, victories, joys, heartaches, and sin -- and I'm always trying to learn (in all the meanings of that word) in order to better myself and better others.

The past couple of weeks have proven helpful, rejuvinating, and hard.  Helpful in the sense that I got to clear my mind and heart people's experience and wisdom.  Rejuvenating in the sense that I got to be refreshed by God in His creation.  Hard in the sense that I saw some of my sin more clearly and had to apologize, had to hear hard things from a friend, and had to get through an intense backpacking trip.

Backpacking and hiking in Montana was incredible!  What an awesome experience.  I didn't know what to expect for the most part but definitely didn't expect it to be as hard as it was. I'm in shape and all that good stuff but lugging 40+ extra pounds when you're not used to it is quite different and challenging. And yet, I did it.  I CAN do hard stuff!

It was a Christian Camp who took 9 of us on an  adventure and the environment brought back many memories from when I was a young camper, from when I was a camp counselor, and from the several mission trips I have been able to be apart of.  Being around Christians is noticablely different to me and is always the best.  Everyone on my trip was willing to lend a hand, was intelligent, kept complaining at a minimum, contributed to the trip/group, spoke niceky, and enjoyed everything the trip had to offer.  We participated in Bible discussion and also sang these songs that I've never heard in my life but now really like.  I chose to get over my discomfort and sing along as well as push aside my thoughts and negativity in order to reconnect with God and focus on Him.  It was soul-satisfying :)

Upon returning to my home, I went right back to work and life as it was before.  All the same problems and routines were present.  But I felt I was in a new state of mind, and a co-worker immediately challenged me to be even more so.

Her challenge was to listen to Joyce Meyers each day for 30 days.  I accepted.  One of the first themes I listened to was on breakthroughs and was basically about owning up to things, since a lot of good can come from saying sorry and acknowledging that things are your fault.

I was slowly realizing some things I was doing that were hurting my relationships and I had to apologize.  I was seeing how my sin of wanting to be in control was not good, to say the least.  I feel things have changed already for the better, even before the trip.  Though, through God working in me and with more time, more positive changes are coming.

Isn't that what God does? Shows you your sin and how you need Him to make things right, you need to ask for forgiveness?

God also gave me new insights to my fiance while on the hike, a couple through the Dad who invited me to go.  We talked and I listened.  Enough said.  I also observed his mannerisms and others on the trip along with my own.  Lots of good insights were had!   I won't bore you ;)

I will say that each new understanding allows me to give grace to him and even to myself.  And boy, do I need grace!  And to extend it!

Maybe that's lesson #3073?  Nonetheless, I'm still learning and applying what I learn, only because of God.

Here's to many, many more!

Engaged

I had a feeling it was coming, but I don't do surprises well.  Like at all.  In fact, I was a bit miffed at him in the days leading up to the proposal.  I couldn't exactly understand why he hadn't already asked!  I'm thinking he needs to "crisp it up" (see previous post) and it didn't help hearing excuses along with "What's he waiting for?" or "I thought he would have asked by now" and the like from others. 

If I knew, it would have made things a lot easier.  And obviously ruin the surprise.

So, he got me.  It started with my friend asking us to go on a hike on Saturday super early in the morning to Harney Peak (now call Black Elk Peak).  I didn't think anything of it for many reasons and then I was just excited because, literally the night before she asked us to go on the hike, I had written down a to-do list which included going hiking and getting together with this friend (Katlyn, the great).  

What helped even more was that my boyfriend said he was going to possibly leave and be back hopefully in time for the hike.  I figured he wouldn't be back in time but I didn't care because I was still going to go.  I wanted to go hiking and hang out with my friend.  He clearly did not end up taking the day trip and made the hike.  And now that I know everything, I'm seriously like, "Really? You were thinking of cutting it that close?" 

Good grief.  We made it all the way there and all the way to the top, chatting the whole time.  We reached the tower and I saw a dog that looked familiar and then looked up to see its owners, who are a couple of friends.  I immediately knew.  He was going to propose.  !!!

After I've realized what's about to happen, he grabbed my hands and started his well thought out speech filled with all sorts of sweet things -- how he won the lottery with me, how my eyes melt him, how much we've grown in just a year, etc.  Then he said he loved me and asked me to marry him while getting down on one knee and pulling out the incredible ring. 

I squeaked out a yes and then more yeses since I wasn't heard by our friends, haha!  Celebrating with a mini champagne bottle, hugs and kisses, and congratulations ensued, followed by ice cream at Mount Rushmore.  

It was a whirlwind.  Thankfully, our friends got a video and many pictures to prove it really did happen.  And I have a stunning ring and now fiancé, too :)

Crisp It Up

I have a friend who likes to say, "He needs to crisp it up!" when talking about guys sometimes.  I laugh because it's funny, especially how she says it, but it's also not funny because it's true. 

Some guys do need to crisp it up.  If their plan is to "get the girl" then it should be executed.  The alternative?  I think Aretha Franklin sang it best (whether or not this song is in correct context, go with it!):

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Take care... T-C-B

Oh (sock it to me, sock it to me
sock it to me, sock it to me)
A little respect (sock it to me, sock it to me
sock it to me, sock it to me)
Whoa, yeah (just a little bit)
A little respect (just a little bit)
I get tired (just a little bit)
I keep on tryin' (just a little bit)
You're runnin' out of fools (just a little bit)
And I ain't lyin' (just a little bit)
(re, re, re, re) Repect when you come home
(re, re, re, re)
Or you just might walk in (respect, just a little bit)
And find out I'm gone (just a little bit)

Yep, guys, she will leave you.  

Whether it's been two weeks or two years dating, she'll go.  If you're married and see divorce as an option, she'll go.  If you're married with divorce not being an option or dating and she hasn't gone yet, thank your lucky stars because you still have time.  Use it wisely. 

I have had to consider these things and so have others (and then live with the answer): 

Do I want to be with someone who doesn't respect me?
Do I want to be with someone who doesn't value what I value?

Do I want to be with a man who doesn't show or tell me I'm important and/or loved?

Do I want to marry a man who won't apologize, won't admit he's wrong or had wrongdoings, or won't truly work to fix things?

Do I want to marry a man who does what he wants and puts himself first?

The answers are all no [for me].

So, the guy should be taking care of the present.  No more future talk because there might not be one.  It's hard but I've recently had to say this. Just like my friend telling me "he needs to crisp it up!" I've had to say it in a different way.

Ladies, take care of yourselves and put up boundaries and enforce them (or re-inforce them).  But don't be completely ugly about it and definitely go to God. 

As if it isn't clear, I think men should secure the girl and make her feel secure in different ways.  If that means marriage to you then get down on one knee.  If you're already married or aren't ready for it yet or want a different way to offer security, start with looking at needs and focus on at least one to meet (taken from Maslow's hierarchy of needs) -- physiological (food, clothing, shelter), safety (emotional security, financial security, health and well-being), social ( friendship, family, intimacy), and esteem (self confidence).  

Personally, I think a good portion of esteem and all of "self-actualization" come from a personal relationship with God.  Thus, a spiritual need.  And I truly see how God meets every single need! Praise the Lord!

Still, God does talk about relationships and some verses talking about marriage in particular go like this: "In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.  Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.  This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.  However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:28-33

I think this concept should be seen a bit in dating (he loves her as himself and she respects him) and then it comes to a fuller fruition in marriage.  Each plays a part, yes.  But the man crisps it up first. 

Then she will.  And the fun really begins ;)

Bitter, Sweet, and Everything "Good"

I like personality quizzes.  I like researching.  I like learning.  I like uplifting quotes.  These things don't float everyone's boat but indulge me. 

I've done some soul-searching of sorts and discovered things about myself.  Nothing ground-shakingly new, just things posed in a new light that I found helpful.

One particular quote I came upon after the search was this:  "The exact way God made you is in keeping with how He will use you."

At the time and even now, it's a good reminder.  Not only to apply to myself but to others as well.  God doesn't make mistakes, He will use anyone who is willing no matter what, and He has the grand plan for your life.  

It's hard to trust Him, honestly.  It's also hard to rest in the fact that God loves me just the way I am, flaws and all -- when I sin, when I'm not pleasant to be around, when I'm needy, when I feel inadequate, when I mess up, and when I'm selfish, just to name a few.  He loves me when everything is going great, too.  

I feel as though I need to do something, work through something, or strive to be "better."  I suppose those aren't bad things, in a way, and may need to be done at different times and in certain ways yet I have to stop and think, "Everything is good" even when that doesn't seem natural or true.  Because in one way or another things are good or will end up being good, and, more importantly, deep down I know I'm saved by grace alone not "good."

Besides, He makes it possible for everything to even be "good."  "The key is in God's character. The psalmist said of God, 'You are good, and what you do is good'"

I see how God has molded me thus far with my family, upbringing, experiences, passions, quirks, irritations, joys, etc that make me who I am and it makes sense.  Looking back is kinda easy.  Throw in new people and new experiences at present and it's a slightly different story. 

However, I read another quote: "A 17th century French monk named Brother Lawrence wrote, 'If we knew how much God loved us, we would always be ready to receive equally… from his hand the sweet and the bitter.'"

The sweet is more than received.  The bitter is much harder. 

I'm not guaranteed anything.  Not riches, not security, not a retirement, not a vacation, not a friend, not a marriage, not a pet, not a job, not health, not love, not acceptance, not understanding, not knowledge, not fun...  nothing in this life.  Do I want these things?  Of course!  Will I get them in this life?  Maybe.  So, I look forward to heaven and have to think, "Bitter days have value too. They make us aware of our weaknesses and they help us depend more on God."

Boy, do they!!  I've had a rough time lately with my health (6 hour ER visits are the worst!), not feeling loved, being around a lot of people I don't know, feeling alone, choosing joy, forgiving when it's hard, not knowing what to say, not feeling heard, being talked about (not positively), feeling stressed and attacked, feeling lost and not understood, feeling like I'm not a priority, foregoing my independence, choosing to love people as Christ loves me...  All I know and can do sometimes is pray, cry, and cry out to God. 

I am weak but He is strong.  

I cannot do anything without Christ.  And I'm not afraid to admit that.  One, it's true.  Two, I know I'd be an even more difficult, selfish, unpleasant, unhappy, short-fused, stubborn, demanding, and unforgiving person to deal with.  Yikes.  Three, those bitter days do come and sometimes it seems as though He is all I have.  God and His Word enable me to get through them and to see the good, to anticipate sweet days like seeing part of my family after a year (the nephew is so adorable!), enjoying a new activity (can you say skiing and wakeboarding?!), and talking with friends (both old and new). 

Life brings choices.  The choice to forgive, to seek forgiveness, to let resentment grow, to have a good attitude, to show love, to have fun, to be a pill, to be happy, to not care, to be positive, to not be selfish, to be unloving, to talk things out, to bottle things up, to bite your tongue, to seek God.  Some aren't great and some aren't easy, especially in the bitter times.  The choice is mine and yours.  And I believe they are important in shaping who God is making you. 

Memory Lane

I bought this neat journal that poses a question to you every day, and it's not only for just this year but for five years!  I thought it be cool to compare the me now to the me in five years in our answers.  I also didn't think it would be too hard to write an answer every day but it is.  Haha!

I failed miserably doing it once a day so I'm currently playing catch-up on an embarrassing way too long of a time period.  Some of the questions are very random in my mind, like "What 'type' of person are you?  Um, what?  "Who would play you in a movie about your life?  Is it a good movie?"  Who cares about the actor but duh. Yes, it's a good movie because it's about me and I am answering this question.  "What makes a good enemy?" I seriously wrote "This is a stupid question."  Other questions are more thoughtful like "Who loves you today?" and "What do you consider to be your biggest achievement?"  

The one that got me really thinking and writing this blog post, is this one: "If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?"  I used to always answer something along the lines of liking a certain crush.  I thought I liked him for too long and felt stupid for it.

It's funny though, I'm going through all my stuff to try and downsize before moving (...yet again) and I actually ran across a couple of notes from him.  One was just a birthday card but the other was actually really nice.  I re-read it and he had complimented me for helping stretch him.  

For the first time when encountering a question basically about regret, I didn't have an answer.  I realized I don't regret liking him or spending so much time with him because maybe something good actually came about.  I also have something to compare.  I can say the guy I'm with currently treats me pretty darn great.  I can't imagine life without him or with this other guy, for that matter.

The other guy is a good guy, don't get me wrong.  He's just not the right one for me.  Actually, looking back on all the guys I have liked or dated or quasi-dated or even thought attractive, I would say the same thing and, thus, wouldn't regret what happened but don't see the need to bring them up again really.  I am with my guy and that's it.  I think he's the best so don't bring up the rest.  And everyone and everything in life happens for a God-given reason. 

Anyway, I threw quite a bit of sentimental stuff away yesterday while cleaning for the move.  It felt good.  It was a nice trip down memory lane but also offered some closure, in a sense, and a brighter path to the future.  Of course, I still kept a lot of sentimental stuff and re-read letters given to me.  I cried as I read what my grandpa, brother, and close friend had written to me and about me.  It was humbling and sweet to read those truths again.  Then it was fun to go through some of my guy's stuff and see more of his life.

I'm grateful for all.  No regrets.  And more journal questions to be answered each day!

Press Fast Forward

Surely there's been a time in life when you wished there was a fast forward button.  You wanted a way to get past things usually because they were unpleasant, taking too long for your timeline or agenda, things would be better after it was over, or the like.  There have been plenty of these times for me, and I most definitely would have pushed the button!  Sometimes multiple times so it goes super fast.  You know what I'm talking about. 

In the end, I'm glad such a button doesn't exist.  I mean, what if I didn't hit play at the right time?!  Because we've all done that with the remote!  And we all know a life rewind button doesn't exist.  But seriously, think of all the lessons, talks, relationships, thoughts, prayers, learning, and so on, we would miss. 

I'm currently searching for the nonexistent fast forward button in the hopes I'll be less stressed, I'll see where life is going, and I'll be relieved it all does work out [how I hope it does].  And that's just it.  I feel like I don't have control of all of life's things at this moment (as if I ever do) and I'm stressin' out.  Bottom line, I'm not trusting God.  It's hard to swallow ...I'm trying to say yes to my God-given lesson and work through it as well as trust He will see everything to it's finish. 

As if a situation weren't bad enough, I also feel as though I want to push a fast forward button on my boyfriend.  I suppose I think it would be easier if we sped up so that I would currently be with the version of him in, say, 10 years.  We will have known each other longer and thus we hopefully wouldn't disagree as much or we would at least know what the other would say/do/prefer etc. more often to avoid conflict and simply just enjoy more moments together.  Side note: we are truly very happy together and do not always have disagreements or conflicts and, when we do, we work through them.  Now then, I know conflict is inevitable since we are two different people, for which I don't need to go into more examples.  The sheer fact that I'm a woman and he is a man should suffice by leaps and bounds.  

Yet, by pushing him to this future self now (maybe that version will exist...? ...but I'm going to go with it not since I've concocted that version in my head and God knows better how He will actually mold and change him), I'm getting nowhere really.  It's like I'm pushing him to be at 75mph when he is at 25mph.  He doesn't want to speed up every time, but in some ways and instances he does speed up.  In others, I'm holding out that it's possible when he's ready.  However, I can also see my 75mph slowing a bit to more match his speed.  

Will we ever match?  I don't know but maybe that's the point, too.  Don't give up on the other racer(s) but do enjoy the ride wherever you are in it. 

I do know I'm most definitely missing out on the version of him with me today as well as the joy, love, learning, and more that is happening now.  So, I'm going to pray and read  my Bible and/or devotional, which had a timely verse today:

"I am leaving you with a gift – – peace of mind and heart.  And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.  So don't be troubled or afraid."

John 14:27 NLT

And I'll also be taking a chill pill while  not searching for that button anymore!

Side By Side

"Every day is special when we are side by side."

These sweet words grace a card given to me by my boyfriend on Valentine's Day, yet it wasn't until this last week and, in particular, the last two days until they really wrung true for me.

Truthfully, every day can't be special in a super romantic kind of way but every day is truly a gift.  And each day right now can be touched with my boyfriend's presence along with his God-given personality, qualities, characteristics, and love.  For all this, I am grateful.

I traveled to see his family this past week and gained new insights and understanding.  It was actually quite fun to visit the place he called home growing up and meet many family members and some friends who love him and want the best for him.  We were able to do a lot just the two of us, such as hiking, beach time, and sightseeing, which were all very nice, and do things with others as well, like a demolition derby, Six Flags, and beach time. We also were able to witness his half-sister's lovely wedding and wish the happy couple well for the next chapter in life. 

Experiencing all this opened up the canvas of his life to me and helped me see things better and understand things more fully.  There were even moments when I saw pure love in his eyes for me.  I love moments like those and look forward to more.

So, yes, those words in the card came alive in those moments but also the last two days when we were trying to get home.  We flew standby, so did not have a guaranteed seat, and the flights were horrific.  We got as far as Chicago and had to break down and buy tickets to finish the journey.  After spending literally 48 hours in airports, planes, and buses (but more so in airports) and getting only about five hours of sleep, we are still together.  If that's not a relationship victory, I don't know what is!  We were in good spirits the whole time, I felt.  I mean, we each had our slip up moments of exhaustion, bad attitude, or just generally being over it but they didn't last long.  We got each other to laugh (he definitely made me laugh more), we let the other take a nap (he slept more), we talked (pretty even on this one), we made sure the other wasn't hungry or thirsty (I'm always hungry), we watched a movie together (I cried a second time seeing I can only imagine), we got each other's bags (he is so chivalrous and got mine a lot), he patiently waited for me at the bathroom (I have to go way too often -- well hydrated, ha!), and so on. 

He was a trooper.  It was the absolute worst standby experience I've ever had.  Having not flown standby very much at all and having gone through all that with a stellar attitude and frame of mind, not to mention holding my hand, letting me love on him in public, and staying with me, gives him superstar status!  

It was a bad ordeal and would have been a zillion times worse without him.  I'm so glad he was and is by my side, that IS special.