It is slightly shameful to say I know my attitude hasn't been perfect throughout the ride, shall we say? I've had my moments of meltdowns, quasi-screaming matches, and wanting to give up and get out.
I suppose the reason why I don't give up is because God is with me and I know I'll make it through with Him. Easier said than done, sometimes. Yet, God has brought me through so many things in life and He's not going to stop now. I have to keep telling myself that, since I think what you tell yourself is more powerful sometimes, and I think people can just be spouting off stuff and not know truly what you need, but God knows you and, if you are His, He is in you so you can tell yourself Truths and what you actually need.
So, that's one lesson: people who don't know you will tell you something like "depends on what you make of it" (i.e. a situation out of your control), "don't complain," or whatever sounds good at the moment. A lot of that is rubbish in my book, these days. I don't need someone to tell me what they think I want to hear or a simple "don't do ____"; I actually want someone to come in beside me to help, whether that is just simply being there or taking a larger role. {To those who commented on my last post, thank you. You know me and you were encouraging, despite the distance. I know you love and care about me! :)} So, I've learned that I used to be that person who gave blanketed advice. Not that that's bad all the time but I now realize I don't really want to believe those people when they don't spend the time to actually get to know me, know my story, know where I'm coming from, know where I've been, etc. I can see a bit more clearly how and why the gospel is more relational and an action than not.
Lesson number two: life is not perfect and those who believe it is or can be are delusional. I also once was this type of person. Sure, I have had my struggles like anyone else, and I have had certain hardships, maybe unlike many others. Still, I've had really, really awesome experiences unlike others. To me, most of my life has been pretty dang good. And it's really not that bad right now! I just know I strive for perfection and expect it in others, so I get disappointed, frustrated, and mad. I have to quit striving, which is something I learned 10 years ago. I thought I put it to rest pretty well then, so I'm hoping this isn't a lesson that pops up every decade... Ha!
Surely it won't, but I'm seeing that life is just not as easy right now, which brings me to lesson number three. I want things to be easy! When it was just me, it was. I made my own decisions, I consulted really only myself and my bank account, and I did what I wanted when I wanted. Easy. Throw in another person you're about to marry, a job you don't like but can't get away from, and not having a ton of friends nearby and you get a different result. It's a new game to maneuver in and some days it does not feel easy.
Life lesson number four: people do what THEY want to do. People are so selfish! Myself included. These days, I find myself being shocked by this fairly regularly. Someone once said to me that marriage (or romantic relationships) makes you keenly aware of this sin, and they were right! Still, it doesn't matter the context or the relation, to me. I'd like to think I'm not too selfish, defined as lacking consideration for others and concerned chiefly with one's own profit or pleasure, by putting others first more often than not, like 80/20, but it's probably more 60/40 or in some cases straight up 50/50. Let's be real, some days I am bit by the selfish bug and some days I see it biting others. I've seen that I can say something multiple times and in multiple ways and get practically nothing in return or at least not something done the same way over the long haul. I can even sit there listening to them say to my face what I would like to have happen -- of course, in some cases, with my mouth about to drop because they know what I want but still don't do it, ha! Then again, maybe I don't actuslly want this because I would want it to come from the heart, not just me repeating myself until they do it. Nonetheless, my theory is that it ultimately comes down to a want. People are perfectly capable of doing what you ask, like most don't have physical restraints, for instance, but the desire (or the remembering...?) to do what another wants does not always win out. (Hmm, sounds similar to flesh and Spirit battling. And the one who wins is the one being fed!) I can't do anything about someone not putting me first other than try not get my feelings hurt. So, maybe I'm jaded but people are selfish and do what they want.
They may want to do something once, once a month, or once a year... or completely sporadically. This brings me to my fifth life lesson: people are not very consistent. For someone like myself who strives to be consistent and has even been marked as being "steady," this is hard to swallow. It's hard for me to understand how one can't keep something going, especially if it's beneficial. It may be hard but that's to be expected. If it weren't hard I probably wouldn't do it and it definitely wouldn't be considered a goal ...or rewarding, for that matter. My mom recently shed some light on this by telling me that my Dad and I have the same trait of deciding to do something and sticking with it. We are disciplined and, thus I think, consistent. Boy, I wish people were more like me! Haha! If patients would consistently eat right, if significant others more consistently _____, if work was more consistently _____, if get togethers were consistent, etc. Reminds me that God is the only one who is ever consistent and unchanging, which brings me to the fact I was given a picture where God fills in the gaps when people are inconsistent, when people fall short. And another obvious picture is the Cross.
Furthermore, while on the struggle bus, I've overcome or at least pinpointed fears. I have seen characteristics in people I do not want whatsoever in my life to the extreme that I have seen them. I've seen how much I rely on others to feel loved through what they say and do, which is precarious because they can't love me fully no matter what and it's a lot of pressure on them. I'm trying to accept differences and things I don't like. I've re-learned I really like having something to do, specifically something fun to do. I'm standing up for myself; I'm not letting people walk all over me nor am I trying to always be a people pleaser anymore. I'm calling people out on their you know what, most of the time tactfully and graciously. I know I'm not alone, though sometimes it seems that way. I still make my needs and wants to known, even if I don't see them come about, because I want them to have a chance. I know I need to laugh. I'm trying to be a stronger person and am definitely stronger in faith in God.
All that to say, through all the lessons and many other learnings/observances/changes, I know that no matter what happens I'll be okay. Taking life one step at a time, one day at a time. Me and God.
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