Oh So Over It

God wants to change you more than He wants to change your circumstances.  I'm paraphrasing but that's one thing Joyce Meyer has stated.  Whether it's super biblical or not, the context in which she was saying it makes it seem so.

She has also stated that men could avoid a lot of problems if they would just say I love you to their wives everyday, say their wife is beautiful three or four times a week, and say that they are the most important person in their life three to four times a week.  I most definitely agree with that!

Anyway, I'd have to agree on God wanting to take us through things to show us our sin and how we need Him and how we need to change.

Boy, does that stink.  And I'm over it.

Definitely over the past 3 months, I have been struggling.  It's definitely gotten better with a consistent quiet time, yet things still erk me and I still want to change circumstances to what I want.  Also, I want to know why things are unfolding the way they are.  I can fathom some guesses...

Sometimes, though, I get to my wits end and just think that this is just how things are, how they're going to be.  I just have to accept it.  I have my ups and downs.  I have my real angry and frustrated and disappointed spells.  I have my peaceful times, however rare.  I have my "I do not understand this whatsoever" moments.  I have my wide-eyed, bewildered looks.  I have my groans and OMGs.  I have "you are ridiculous!" and "why don't you understand?!" flying out of my mouth.  I definitely have my come-to-Jesus moments.

Those are the hard but great moments.  Because Jesus knows it all and is the only One who can take care of it all.

I've come to realize that my work environment is likely not to change anytime soon and, if any pisitive change comes at all, it will probably be very, very slow.  The fight in me is boiling up and up and I would rather it not turn into flight.  Pretty much everyday is a test, and I mostly fail.  I let little things get to me and rub me the wrong way.  Then there are some big things that I feel helpless over.  Lord, help me.

I've come to realize that my fiance's work schedule is awful and isn't likely to change anytime soon.  I feel lucky to get a phone call for any amount of time because he is so "busy."  I'm also lucky if we happen to get a weekend day off together -- they are a magical unicorn.  Communication is minimal, time together is short (but sweet), sleep for him is lackluster.  Work seems to consume him.

In both these situations, it really doesn't matter what I want because it's not going to happen.  I can say what I want, all I want, about anything under the sun -- I want autonomy at work, I want to be thought of more, I want more communication, I want to make friends and for ones to visit, I want my guy to not be so busy, I want him to have an 8-5 work schedule (or better!), I want my headaches to go away, I want to dance, and the list goes on! -- but I'll most likely not see all these wants.

We're not guaranteed wonderful jobs, schedules, or circumstances at all times.  I get it.  I'm just tired of feeling beat up at every angle.  I kinda feel like Job, on a  lesser scale.

Someone once said, "what baby girl wants, baby girl gets!" alluding to me, but I can tell you, without a doubt, that is not true.  I don't want this.  I don't want a terrible job or a hard and terrible schedule to work around in order to see and talk to someone I love.  I don't want to feel unappreciated or unloved.  I don't want to be angry or resentful.  I don't want it to be so cold outside.  I actually don't want a lot of things right now.

If I would have really truly known how this job was going to be, I would not have taken it.  I can only say that I wish someone had said how terrible military life can be.  You know, something like, "Oh, by the way, you'll rarely see or talk to him.  And I am NOT joking.  Good luck!"

Maybe people did warn me of the military life...  I guess I had this delusion that it would be different for me.  That it would be good.  But now, I'm pretty convinced family and relationships suffer a lot and possibly too much, and they will not succeed if each person does not have a firm foundation in Christ.  Might I just add, pray for all those who sacrifice for our freedom.

So, circumstances aren't changing, just trying to personally change to who God wants.  I suppose I just don't want to change too much and I don't see why I have to change and not the other person.  Maybe, however, it will be more like an Esther story and that I am being and have been prepared for such a time as this.

Time will tell.