If You Want to Love Someone

"If you want to love someone
Search their soul for where it's broken
Find the cracks and pour your heart in
If you want to love someone."

This is the chorus of the lovely song entitled, "If You Want To Love Someone" by Jason Gray, of which I've listened to countless times and love it still.  It's meaning is deep if you pay attention to the words, and even more so tonight for me, as I reflect on the day's events as well as the past week.  Truly, as I heard it play right before starting to write this blog, I thought it perfect to begin what I wanted to blog about, which is bad days, loss, and how it's made better.

Bad day:
Last week, work was less than stellar.  In fact, this past Friday took the cake as the worst day since being here in SD.  Long story short, I felt inadequate due to a couple Providers going off on me or dismissing what I was saying.  It took me a little bit to process it, but, in the end, I know those people's opinions don't matter and that my identity is not as a Dietitian so I don't have to take what they say to heart.  Still, I'm not dismissing my disappointment and day ruined feeling, just decided it didn't have to ruin my entire day and make me mope about (too badly).

First off, my co-workers displayed their awesomeness and their love for me by "going to bat" for me while talking on the phone to said Provider, verbally encouraging me, patting me on the back, motioning they love me (think hands made into a heart), and listening to me voice my hurt and concern.  Then we laughed the night away, starting the weekend off right with a co-worker dinner followed by delicious ice cream.  Love them!  Second, I thought about it and decided, "Yes, I am a Dietitian and I love being one.  I know what I'm doing.  I have a brain and I am going to use it.  I am going to ask questions and pursue what I think is right until proven wrong (hopefully graciously and in a "teachable moment" kind of way -- those are so great and beneficial!)."  God has given me everything in this life that I live, so I will try to not let someone else's put down or backlash bring me down.  Side note, I approached another Provider about the solution to a problem I had previously been dismissed about and was met with a "I was thinking along those lines, too" response.  Happy day! 

Loss:
My boss lost her father this week and the viewing was this evening.  My co-workers, their significant others, and I went to support our boss.  Though I have not experienced losing my father, I have experienced the loss of a close family member, and I know that my boss appreciated us coming.  We didn't know anyone but her, her husband, and her step-son, but we went because we love our boss and know her heart is hurting. 

Not that we can do anything in particular or say anything specific to "make it all better," whatever that means... because that "made better" feeling takes time and most definitely takes something we can't even provide, which only comes from God, I think.

That song concludes with:

"Somehow You had a way of seeing
Just how deep my wound could go
Oh but You were never scared
To run and meet me there
And that's how I know

If you want to love someone
Search their soul for where it's broken
Find the cracks and pour your heart in
That's what You did…
If you want to love someone"

Made better:

The song points to God not being scared (though we, as humans, are), coming to meet us where we are (despite how we hide or avoid or brush under the rug, etc. instead of going to God), and searching our heart for the brokenness (so that He can make us whole, just like when we accept Christ's work on the cross to have a relationship with God again). 

So powerful.  So good.

My co-workers and friends love me, which is shown in so many ways from teasing, check-ins, phone calls or texts, plots to keep me here in SD, and fun outings.  I pray I return the favor. 

We love our boss, so we are going to try our best to find the crack and pour into it.  Ultimately, I pray she and her family find peace, comfort, healing, answers, whatever they need, from God.

Adding to Life's Adventures

"You've seen and done more than some see or do in a lifetime!"

My Dad said this to me some time amidst my twenty-fifth year of life, if memory serves.  At first, I thought it was crazy talk.  "Pssh... more than someone's done in a lifetime??"  Preposterous!  There's so much I haven't seen or done!  Not possible. 

Then it hit me.  I think he might be right.  I thought, "What about those people who never leave their hometown or state or the country?"  Now that's preposterous for sure.  I mean, doesn't everyone like to travel and want to have an adventure?!  Don't people want to learn new things, experience new cultures, taste new and yummy foods, get a whiff of different smells (may they all be pleasant... though I think we remember the terrible ones best), or just simply branch out from their "normal" world??  I'll never know, though I propose that most people do want all the above.  They may just not get the opportunity, have the means, have the time from work, or... there are a myriad of other reasons that hold them back.

I honestly tell people the opportunity and ability to experience so much in such a short amount of life is truly one of the biggest blessings.  There are many reasons for this, yet one of the most influential was when my grandfather told me to do things while I was young since he has always wanted to go to Machu Picchu but can't now due to his health and bad knees.  I vowed right then to not let that happen and ever since then I feel I've kept that promise to myself.

After my Dad's statement, I reflected on some of the things I've done, some of the people I've seen, and some of the places I've been.  There really are too many to regurgitate, and I could talk for hours about travelling, so I'll leave that for a future blog, a good phone call, or lovely in-person conversation.

Needless to say, approximately three years have passed and I still believe my Dad's statement, while I constantly add to it's reality.  For example, I secretly want to go abroad at least once a year, and I've done it so far.  I mean, apparently I'll jump on a plane for a concert and then decide I might as well see three countries instead of just one while I'm over there!  When I get something in my head... :) 

This past three-day weekend was no exception and was spent in National Parks.  Yes, two national parks!  Grand Teton and Yellowstone, to be exact.  It was so spectacular!!  I, of course, need more than this blog and your 5-minute attention to really get to the good stuff, and there will be things I tell no one but in short:
 
I checked off 3 states in my quest to see all 50! 
I saw natural wonders like the famous Old Faithful and the Mammoth Hot Springs. 
I hiked a lot.
I loved being out in nature!
I liked finding the perfect postcard-esque shot.
I actually enjoyed driving (what is happening?!)
   1) the scenery was breathtaking -- Wyoming and Montana, I heard you two were beautiful, and you did not disappoint.  Idaho, you were a pleasant surprise.
   2) I find ways to entertain myself -- probably because I haven't driven with someone in a loooong time and start laughing after random thoughts or because I like the feeling of the wind in my hair while blazing a trail at 80mph.
   3) I have really good music -- a friend said he doesn't like too long of drives because, "You can only listen to music so long."  I gave a puzzled look and just said, "You must not have good music."  He needs a good music picker-outer like me.  Clearly.

So many things in so short a time!  There's just something to be said for going solo out in the open, without a care.  Just me and nothing else, putting down the camera to take a forever picture with my mind and relishing the fresh air, the majestic bodies of waters, the crystal clear blue skies.  Not to mention the thankfulness in my heart to God for His creation and for the ability to hike, to be alive, and to experience the parks right at that epic moment.  Just me and a bunch of other tourists.  Boo.  So, I treasured the hikes by myself that had untouched and unpopulated spots.  I also really enjoyed doing whatever I wanted!  If I wanted to stop, I did.  If I wanted to get ice cream, I did.  If I wanted to go fast, I did (I overheard an elderly man say that I was speed-walking.  Dang, right).

Of course, I also realized some other things about myself.  I noticed that I was the only single person, and I was okay with it.  I've grown accustomed to doing things on my own (not always by choice, trust me).  I still go do things because life doesn't begin with a significant other nor do adventures happen only with friends.  But, for real, the perks of being by yourself are obvious.  One downside this trip was having a middle-aged man call me "Baby" as he told me not to hurt myself and tried to help me over a rock.  All I can say is that speed-walking has many benefits.

I realized that I'm glad I don't have kids right now but, if that day comes, I'll be happy.  There were the typical whiny kids who don't know how good they have it, the rambunctious boys trying to outdo one another, and the cranky teen not wanting to do this any more to which I heard, "too late!"  I also saw the cutest little boogers who looked like Dora the Explorer come to life, who perfectly posed for a snapshot, or who were gently reminded to walk on one side of the path and to take big steps.  So precious.  Made me think and miss my besties little girls and made me want to be that cool Aunt even more.

This one is not new, just hasn't happened in awhile.  I liked not having phone service while in the park.  Yeah, I completely disliked when my GPS didn't work as I was trying to make it back home but I made do.  Anyway, I like to use my phone for pictures, music, GPS, and the obvious phone calls/texts, but I could do without it, honestly.  Although, I had it on me because, if something happened, I would have a life-line... supposedly.  More like I had it on me for my Mom's peace of mind.  Seriously though, unplugging from technology and the constant connectedness is a must.  I wish it happened more often sometimes. 

Thankfully my camera worked, so for those who requested photos in my blog or for those who don't have Instagram, you get a treat of some pictures!

The Grand Canyon of Yellowstone

Looking out over the fall, Looking back at the fall

 Mammoth Hot Springs (original and Instagram enhanced)

Yellowstone landscape

 

Montana

Montana still

Pit stop in Idaho for a quiet pic of the super green landscape

Wyoming (Instagram enhanced)

Wyoming still

The top of Signal Mountain, Grand Teton

Pano of Jenny Lake, Grand Teton

View from Jenny Lake

 

Saw quite a bit of wildlife and eventually stopped like the typical tourist

but my favorite still is the lil chipmunk!

View while hiking in Grand Teton

Leaving Grand Teton

Stopped to see some Yellowstone geysers while making my way to...

Old Faithful

Destination view while hiking in Yellowstone

Enjoying that same hike with all the different terrain

 

As if it's necessary... proof I'm enjoying myself! 

Happy Place

Do you have a happy place? 

A friend mentioned that his Dad gets a pass to The Grand Canyon every year.   At first, I was like, "Whaaaat?  Seriously.  Why?"  He said it was his happy place.  It was then that it made sense and I was like, "Oh.  I like it."  I then questioned whether or not I had a, as in one, happy place.  I most certainly do not!  Thankfully, my friend doesn't either, so I'm in good company.

I just can’t imagine having one, lone happy place.  I’ve been to too many places that have been absolutely spectacular, which is a definite blessing.  I truly tried to think of dubbing just one place as my true “happy place” and my head started to spin with the complexity of the criteria required on how to choose and the self-induced pressure to pick just one place.  I was reeling through all the cities and towns and sites I’ve been able to enjoy.  I re-visited memories… seeing people’s faces pop up (some of which I haven’t seen in years), getting the warm fuzzies all over again…!  I mean, there’s just no way to pick just one place! 

This is a good thing and something I hope I never lose.  Sure, some people or places trump others -- I have some places I'd like to visit again (and yes, some I could do without visiting again) and some memories with people I'd love to relive (and some I'd definitely not miss reliving) -- yet, overall and in the end, I hope to continue to be able to find joy and happiness with the people in my life and the place where I am at the time.

Recently, I've been more conscious to look up and look around, contact someone who comes to mind, or put on some music.  It's the simple, little things...  The clouds with their touchable fluffiness or their wisps sprawling across the vast blue.  The sunsets with their multitude of rich colors begging you to capture them, though a picture never, ever does it justice.  The hikes in nature to survey the beautiful, green landscape complete with rock formations that dare you to conquer them or remember their name or both.  The friend who seems to be enjoying life to the fullest and posts pictures to share.  The friend or family member you just have to call and tell in your "cutely excited" way all about your happy life and then hear the thrills in theirs.  The standing in awe of a National Monument that is quite impressive in the flesh and now being checked off your bucket list with a new forever-friend.  The picking of raspberries in the cool of the evening in your own backyard to great tunes you love.  These are just the things I've done this evening or in the past couple of days!  I've realized that life is and can be full of joy.

So, isn't it a shame when our happiness and joy is taken from us?

You see, life is full of joy no matter where you turn if you're finding that joy ultimately from God.  This is easier said than done, in a sense, which is why joy can feel fleeting, out of reach, or non-existent.

This is a very good read on that:  http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/why-are-so-many-christians-unhappy

That article was timely for me because only a few days ago I got the tiniest bit bummed, more so distracted.  I was distracted by things I couldn't even control, things that might or might not happen in the future.  They were stealing my joy in the present by weighing on my mind or filling my head with thoughts that probably weren't true.  For example, my friends are vying for me to stay full-time in SD but my boss has made no mention.  The thoughts go something like this: What if she does offer me a job?  Can I live in SD despite the winters, not having front porches, and not having two-stepping (basically the only two things I miss from Texas so far)?  What about that crush?  Would life be as good as it is right now?  Would I take the job?  and on and on.  Of course, it's not that I don't want to plan for the future nor is that I want to be in my own little, happy, sheltered world that I don't see the bad that goes on (see blog entitled "Off in My Own Little World"), but it's the fact that I don't want to be consumed with "maybe's" or "what if's" that can be blinding when I think about my job, my love-life (or lack thereof), my family, and the list goes on. 

I'm going to keep taking things one day at a time and cross bridges when they come.  I'm going to pray.  I'm going to search for ways to be in a happy place because I might not be offered the job, people don't text or call, I might be home alone on a Friday night, people post about their perfect body or workout or food creation, I might feel like an idiot at work (yep, that's another post coming your way!), etc. etc. etc.  There are just so many people and things that can make me feel lame, envious, unloved, ignored, ungrateful.  They can take my joy if I allow it.  Live and learn:  learn that this is possible and what to do or say to avoid it, and live in true joy in Christ alone.

So, how are people or things seizing your joy?  Better yet, how are you going to combat it?

Such a Heathen

Church has been on my mind lately.  Undoubtedly, this is because I find going to church important and, thus, regularly attend, because of the recent plight of our nation and the world, and also because I have been pulled from my home church and have tried other churches while away.  Weirdly, it has been good.  I have experienced more appreciate for my home church, I have thought about why I even go, I have thought about the church's platform in society, I have given myself grace if I happen to miss a Sunday service, I have been able to see other churches and decide what are must-haves, and I have done more Bible reading as of late, possibly because I might not make it church.

While visiting a friend I made at my home church, who happened to move to SD, she stated during a telling of a story about herself and her husband, "We have to go to church!"  It was a no-brainer to find and go to church!  I wouldn't have thought anything of it, yet, as I said, church has been on my mind.  As Christians, we deem "going to church" as vital and we notice when it's been too long since attending. 

My friend and I used to live in "The Bible Belt" where most everyone calls themselves a Christian, granted.  Maybe that's why I think of "going to church," as in you regularly attend at least a Sunday service and are involved in at least one other church sponsored event, such as a small group, as a sign that you might actually be a legitimate, born-again Christian.  Of course, there are people all around with facades, whether they go to church or not or are a legit Christian or not!

Anyway, I want to talk about going to church in general.  Obviously, I have reasons why I don't go to church, mainly being that I have something typically un-reschedulable going on that weekend.  I've given myself some grace because life happens.  For example, I previously had to work on certain weekends and I was so pooped after the day that I didn't want to go do one more thing even though I technically had the time.  So, I get it.  You're not always going to go to church and it will okay.  I try to not feel guilty about it, though the feeling does creep up ever so often.  This might stem from me being so used to going to church and seeing it as a an item that I'm not checking off my list.

I've definitely tried to get away from the checklist Christianity... Did I pray today? Check. Did I read my Bible today? Check. Did I go to church on Wednesday or Thursday or Sunday or whatever day? Check. It's kind of exhausting and takes away from the fact that my personal relationship with Christ is what matters and needs to be strengthened.

However, that doesn't negate the fact that I think church is important because it is!  I need to hear the gospel; everyone needs to hear the Gospel.  Church is where this can happen.  Church also gives me other things I need, such as guidance, challenges, and conviction of my sin through the sermon/Word of God being spoken.  I also enjoy church for the corporate worship and fellowship.  I mean, I have a lot of friends that are just from church and I love them to pieces!  They offer a godly counsel and wisdom that is much needed as well as encouragement, hope, joy, as well as life experiences and advice coming from a godly point of view.

One thing I've struggled with lately is why people don't go to church.  Maybe I have a crooked view in that going to church is letting you check off an item on the list, but I also view it as a good, healthy habit much like brushing your teeth.  One brushes their teeth because they learned when they were young to do it every day for good oral hygiene, right?  In the same way, I have learned from a young age to go to church regularly for good, healthy spirituality.  For any relationship, you have to spend time with that person and going to church is a way to develop and grow my relationship with Christ.  Because of this conviction and mindset and seeing the Church as a subject on numerous occasions throughout the Bible, when I learn that someone doesn't regularly attend church, I just wonder why.  I know I can never know their heart and I can't know their thoughts without asking.  For example, my friend's husband stated he didn't go to church on Sunday's for a time due to the fact that he'd become a bit burnt out.  He was doing personal study, other Bible studies, meeting with other Believers, etc. all throughout the week and was then making Sunday a day of rest.  Still, he was proactive and said it was for a time and that he also had had a bad experience with a pastor so needed time to heal, re-evaluate, and take personal time.  Fair enough.  I can't know what is going on in someone else's life, but I can encourage, kindly ask and invite, and I can also try to not be the judge that I typically am.

For when you point a finger, there are three fingers pointing back at you!  For instance, I think a reason people don't attend church is because they've become lethargic, which I most definitely have been in the not so distant past.  I just didn't feel connected with the people I saw at church and didn't feel like they were reaching out to me. (Yes, that street goes both ways.)  Still, I didn't have motivation to attend the service or I would just come late.  However, it seemed that the times that I didn't want to go the most was when I needed to hear the message the most and when I was the most refreshed.  Happens all the time!  Funny how that works.

Now that I'm away from my home church and attending another for a short time, other things have popped up. For example, a friend and I attended a Sunday service and liked it pretty well so then attended the Wednesday night service. We had to leave early on Wednesday and felt pressured to stay. I didn't really appreciate it, and it made me think twice about how I might come across to others.

Hear me now.  I'm not saying that if you don't go to church that you're not saved.  I'm just saying that I struggle with someone who says they are a Christian but they don't attend church since I see going to church as an outward sign that you are trying to follow Christ and that that's what I'm used to.  I realize God can do whatever He wants, so you don't have to go to a building to be in His presence or grow in your relationship with Him.  It's just necessary for me so that I have fellowship and that I am regularly hearing the gospel, among other things.  It's also something I look forward to having in common with others.

When I ask people if they go to church or if they want to go to church with me I'm not trying to be pushy or anything.  I'm trying to be genuine!  I'm a curious person, and I ask a lot of questions because I think you can learn a lot if you just ask.  (I think I'm getting better at determining when to stop asking questions.  Oh, there are several stories for that one!  Haha!)  Plus, I'm a huge proponent for doing things and doing things with other people.  I'm going to church, why not join?!  You might learn something, you just might like it, you might meet someone cool, you might learn of opportunities to serve and help the community, or you might understand God's love for you better!