It was special, and I'm very happy for them. I look forward to my own wedding, whether the groom does or not (Is a man ever interested in a wedding?!) and now have some new vigor for planning and prepping for it!
So, the planning is getting a venue, guest list, florist, etc. and some of the prepping comes with premarital stuff, which brings me to the sequel, in a sense, to the "Men Really Are From Mars" post.
I felt compelled to read the book that actually pertained to me. I also slowed my reading of the other relationship books and started asking my guy questions to get his personal response/needs. So, yes, I stopped skimming "For Guys Only" (and pestering my guy to read it no matter how beneficial I think it may be -- you can only change myself, right?) and finished reading "For Women Only."
In short, there weren't any majorly new concepts about men I hadn't already known. However, I did get a few new answers or ways to approach said concepts.
I suppose I think of the fact you should treat others how you want to be treated. However, it was recently brought to my attention that this might not be a brilliant philosophy, basically because everyone does want to be treated differently (like I might want to be given a hug so give one but the other person receiving that hug may actually want to not be touched). Anyway, that's not the point of this blog or the book, so moving on...
The book quickly goes into 8 "revelations:"
Men need respect
Men are insecure
Men avoid issues by 'checking out'
Men are providers
Men want more sex
Men are visual
Men are unromantic
Men care about appearance
and gives a small "what that means in practice" statement before delving into each more deeply. For example, the simple explanation for "men need respect" is that "men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected;" "men want more sex" is that "your desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well being and confidence in all areas of his life;" "men avoid issues..." is that men address issues by first pulling away to process and think -- so they can better talk about them later;" and the statement "men are unromantic" is explained as "actually most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways than women) and want to be romantic -- but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed."
The book also clearly states the content is not to bash men but to reveal men's wiring, acknowledges that there are exceptions, is not saying how your man should relate to you, etc. I'd say I feel the book is very much about spouse to spouse relations, not any and all relations, such as co-workers or family. I also noticed statements that could be true for most anyone, such as "they want to come home to a totally accepting environment, where they can safely let their guard down" (who doesn't want that?! Or search and long for it?) and "if [a man] knows that the person who knows him best believes in him, he is empowered to do better in every area of his life" (wouldn't most people, if this were true?). Furthermore, the book makes this point which I think is so, so true: "each of us can adapt and do things that are important for our mates, even when they don't come naturally."
This brings up the issue that sometimes I feel it doesn't matter how much I want to try to understand a guy if they don't care to know how I tick, in return. There won't be mutual understanding without effort and hard work. Sounds like a two-way street, like a relationship, huh?
I still dove in. Surely all this study will help.
So, to begin, the biggest thing a man needs -- according to this book and other sources I've gleaned from over the years -- is respect. "A man deeply needs the woman in his life to respect his knowledge, opinions, and decisions -- what I (the author) would call his judgment." In respecting his abilities, men want to figure things out for themselves and, if women "help," it equates to distrust. So, ladies, just let him do it. Beyond that, I thought what the author said about it being harder to not show disrespect, that this takes more effort, is true. I do respect my guy but asked about ways he interprets disrespect from me and it was helpful.
Other sections of the book just got me riled up. And not in a good way. The part about men basically having a Rolodex of images of women in their mind because "they're visual" is hard to swallow. First, most women do not have this issue so it's very difficult to fathom for me. Second, it makes you think about society being so sex driven and how that's actually harmful. This is sad. There's a lot more temptation and ads and whatnot bombarding our minds and thoughts. There is a battle, whether you admit it or not. Third, I wish men's minds were pure and their thoughts were for their wife alone as it was intended by God, I believe. Fourth, I can understand to an extent that this is "normal" but in some ways where do excuses stop? You were looking (or worse) at a lady who isn't your significant other. The end. Fess up, ask for forgiveness, and actively do something to not have it happen again or repeatedly. "Hopefully, the man denies himself that short-term rush in order to honor God, his wife, or his mental purity and thus establish deeper pleasure down the road." Fifth, the book tries to give encouragement like "this doesn't impact his feelings for you," "it's not because of you," and that you should pray for him (as well as yourself). Yes, one should pray.
Side note: I've been praying (simply talking to God) a lot more lately about all sorts of life things and it works.
There were some striking things in the book, such as the way a woman chooses to love her man in the way he needs, about dwelling on images and thoughts of other women or dismissing them, a woman's effort in appearance mattering, and how a man's need to provide weighs him down. "Okay, if you're like me, you probably been viewing your man sexual need as mostly physical -- important, yes, but probably also optional. ... But once you realize that your man is actually saying, 'This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and it's critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,' well... that suddenly puts it in a different category." Let me tell ya, there have definitely been times when I do not/have not had this point of view about a guy and sex. Lots could be said here but I'll move onto another fact I found fascinating, which was "although few men can stop an involuntary image from popping up in their heads, and few men can stop themselves from wanting to look, they can (and often do) exercise the discipline to stop themselves from actually doing so. On the survey, the biggest factor in whether a man made this choice wasn't whether he was older, married, or happy in his relationship. It was whether he regularly attended religious services." Wow. A single positive changing factor on this one issue. I believe because God addresses your thought life and your purity. Second to last observation was supposedly a woman making the effort to look good makes her man feel loved and cared for. "Consider one husband's honest comment: my wife is trying to slim down right now, and it makes me feel like a million bucks. I know she's also doing it for herself, but the fact that she cares about how she looks as a total turn-on, if you want to know the truth. I tell her all the time how much I appreciate the work she's putting into this." For me, I feel like I already make a big effort in how I look (role reversal?? Ha!), so we'll have to wait to see if it comes true in my relationship (likely after pregnancy and so on). Finally, "being a provider appears to be at the core of a man's identity as a male and as a person of worth: he feels that to be a man, he needs to be a provider." Yikes. That seems a heavy burden and one to become a potential idol so I agree with this: "we should appreciate our mate's drive to work, provide, and succeed as long as they maintain some balance and the home relationships remain strong."
All of the readings have been very interesting. And at times, I feel like I put some of those "so how do we (as women) respond?" suggestions into practice and they do not work. Other times, I read a page and then practically scream I want "that" and don't even get it!
Live, learn, talk, and move on, I guess, but sometimes I think I can know all about a guy from reading but really I'll never truly know because I'm a woman. Truthfully, I thought once I'd like to think like a guy for just a day to see what it's like! Wouldn't that be something.
Nonetheless, it's been enlightening to read books and learn, and talk and ask questions with my guy. I know more will come. Bless the ears who will listen or get yanked to do so!
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