I've done some soul-searching of sorts and discovered things about myself. Nothing ground-shakingly new, just things posed in a new light that I found helpful.
One particular quote I came upon after the search was this: "The exact way God made you is in keeping with how He will use you."
At the time and even now, it's a good reminder. Not only to apply to myself but to others as well. God doesn't make mistakes, He will use anyone who is willing no matter what, and He has the grand plan for your life.
It's hard to trust Him, honestly. It's also hard to rest in the fact that God loves me just the way I am, flaws and all -- when I sin, when I'm not pleasant to be around, when I'm needy, when I feel inadequate, when I mess up, and when I'm selfish, just to name a few. He loves me when everything is going great, too.
I feel as though I need to do something, work through something, or strive to be "better." I suppose those aren't bad things, in a way, and may need to be done at different times and in certain ways yet I have to stop and think, "Everything is good" even when that doesn't seem natural or true. Because in one way or another things are good or will end up being good, and, more importantly, deep down I know I'm saved by grace alone not "good."
Besides, He makes it possible for everything to even be "good." "The key is in God's character. The psalmist said of God, 'You are good, and what you do is good'"
I see how God has molded me thus far with my family, upbringing, experiences, passions, quirks, irritations, joys, etc that make me who I am and it makes sense. Looking back is kinda easy. Throw in new people and new experiences at present and it's a slightly different story.
However, I read another quote: "A 17th century French monk named Brother Lawrence wrote, 'If we knew how much God loved us, we would always be ready to receive equally… from his hand the sweet and the bitter.'"
The sweet is more than received. The bitter is much harder.
I'm not guaranteed anything. Not riches, not security, not a retirement, not a vacation, not a friend, not a marriage, not a pet, not a job, not health, not love, not acceptance, not understanding, not knowledge, not fun... nothing in this life. Do I want these things? Of course! Will I get them in this life? Maybe. So, I look forward to heaven and have to think, "Bitter days have value too. They make us aware of our weaknesses and they help us depend more on God."
Boy, do they!! I've had a rough time lately with my health (6 hour ER visits are the worst!), not feeling loved, being around a lot of people I don't know, feeling alone, choosing joy, forgiving when it's hard, not knowing what to say, not feeling heard, being talked about (not positively), feeling stressed and attacked, feeling lost and not understood, feeling like I'm not a priority, foregoing my independence, choosing to love people as Christ loves me... All I know and can do sometimes is pray, cry, and cry out to God.
I am weak but He is strong.
I cannot do anything without Christ. And I'm not afraid to admit that. One, it's true. Two, I know I'd be an even more difficult, selfish, unpleasant, unhappy, short-fused, stubborn, demanding, and unforgiving person to deal with. Yikes. Three, those bitter days do come and sometimes it seems as though He is all I have. God and His Word enable me to get through them and to see the good, to anticipate sweet days like seeing part of my family after a year (the nephew is so adorable!), enjoying a new activity (can you say skiing and wakeboarding?!), and talking with friends (both old and new).
Life brings choices. The choice to forgive, to seek forgiveness, to let resentment grow, to have a good attitude, to show love, to have fun, to be a pill, to be happy, to not care, to be positive, to not be selfish, to be unloving, to talk things out, to bottle things up, to bite your tongue, to seek God. Some aren't great and some aren't easy, especially in the bitter times. The choice is mine and yours. And I believe they are important in shaping who God is making you.
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