The Ugly Truth

No fun starter for this post. I have to cut straight to the chase and be brutally honest by saying, in the words of Paul, I am chief among sinners. 

I've recently been completely guilty of scouring other peoples lives and pinpointing the sins that I see.  And not necessarily in the way of, "Oh man, I'm glad I saw that in their life because I don't want that to happen in mine!" but more of the "Oh man, they've got a problem and I'm glad it's not mine!"  

It's so easy to look at someone else and thankfully (more like naively) think that I'm not swimming in a pool of unrighteousness.  Am I right?  But I am doing just that ...I'm perhaps just doing it with a breaststroke instead of freestyle.  

I may not be committing huge, blatant sins like murder or stealing or lying but I am, for sure, not perfect or wholly without blame.  I find myself thinking "Well, I'm not breaking the rules/laws by doing X, Y, or Z." or "I do a better job of showing love to others because I don't do THAT but instead do THIS." or even "I don't understand why they think (fill in the blank) is okay!".

To play devil's advocate, I have found that pondering those questions or statements has been really good, as in, for example, asking, "Why do I find what they're doing not okay?"  It's made me stop, think, dig deeper, and come to a conclusion about my own conduct and reasoning.

Yet, most of those statements come from a source of pride or self-righteousness or judgemental state or quite possibly just good perceptiveness.  Nonetheless, when I look deeper in my own life, it's usually the old saying of, when you point a finger, there's three pointing back at you or the Scripture reference that you should remove the plank from your own eye before trying to get the speck out of someone else's. 

Knife stab to the heart with a twist.

It's painful to look in the mirror and see disgustingness looking back and to really put a magnifier up against my life and see all the imperfections. 

Some examples being...

1) me trying to convince myself that I'm not as of obnoxious as another woman.  I didn't like that she whined and complained but then I found myself complaining about her complaining!  Goodness. 

2) me trying to tell myself that I am a rule and law follower whereas others are not.  Yeah, right.  I might not be breaking the same ones they are but heaven forbid someone look at my speedometer!  Eek. 

3) me trying to tell myself that I wasn't as terrible as some guys I've known.  You know, the ones who seem to use girls, that are players.  I wouldn't do that!  Think again.  Maybe the guy is lonely just like me or likes being liked just like me and figured that going out with someone wouldn't mean anything, that toying with their emotions would be harmless, or that getting involved romantically with someone even for a hot minute would feel good and wouldn't effect either of them.  Wrong. 

My sin affects me and others, even if it may not be fully evident at the time.

No one likes to be around someone else who complains, speeding puts myself and others in harms way, and nobody wants to date someone like that.  And, of course, sin affects my relationship with God. 

It's things like the above examples that show me my lack of discipline for godliness, my lack of self-control, and my choosing not to live in the freedom and protection of boundaries that the gospel provides, among other things.  Some areas of life I feel I have both discipline and self-control and am content but definitely not in all, so I need help.  I want God to show me my sin and for me to repent quickly; I want to stay close to the fire.  There's also the beauty of the gospel in that I have forgiveness. 

I've actually been going through a myriad of books lately -- this work assignment seems to be deemed the reading assignment so any book suggestions are appreciated -- some of which have been helpful in revealing some sin struggles that I overlook, such as ungodliness, anxiety, unbelief, selfishness, and ungratefulness.  Really, I'm trying to work on me and not others by the grace of God, since I believe others can and will understand the gospel fully and be convicted of their own sin in time.  

Books and so many other things have helped me lately to evaluate my life.  Another way is to ask questions, bouncing around all answers and rabbit trails in order to truly get to the why.  Here are some example questions with some simple answers:

Why do I do things the way I do? 

   Efficiency. Like my way of running life.

Why do I think people gravitate towards me?

   I have what people crave – – Jesus.

Why is that person's conduct bothering me? 

   Lack of self control.  I don't want to send that message. I don't value that.

Why didn't I open up to that person?

   Not ready.  Lack of trust. 

And so on.  Things don't stop with the simple answers.  It's sometimes a lengthy process to get to the true "why" of my character and thoughts and actions but it's very helpful and healing to gain a better understanding.  It's also quite beneficial to ask questions and listen well to whomever I'm talking to or observing so that I can hopefully understand where they're coming from.  Yet another way I evaluate my life is to read the Bible, which I think is the most important.  On top of these things, sermons, podcasts, music, and verbally processing with close friends have proven good tactics. 

Honestly, I hope that what I do and say is explicitly seen as trying to be Christ-like because the gospel is working in my life on the daily.  

Christ alone refines me everyday. 

I need Him.  You need Him.