I was angry and tired (more like exhausted), and out of control. I suppose it was a slow brew, which culminated to an unpleasant peak this week. I know the reason, the real reason. Of course, I also know other contributing factors that just added fuel to the fire.
I can blame my anger on miscommunication, frustrations, differences, hurts, misunderstandings, loneliness, rejection, unmet expectations, and more. They're all valid. But is that healthy and right? The answer is no.
The answer as to why I'm angry is me. I'm the problem. I allow things to fester and grow and not in a righteous anger kinda way. For instance, sometimes I just want what I want. I want to do what I've always done, and occasionally I drag another person along for a so pretty drive. That's bad. I'm aware.
I once felt someone was saying that I talk too much and it's exhausting. All my questions, all my "let's do this!," all the work was just exhausting. That's hard to hear. Because, yep, not gonna lie, I am all about trying to give 100%, trying to figure it all out, and trying to alleviate potential problems or problems that already exists. It is exhausting. So, you know what? I decided to be quiet and, consequently, stir the anger pot until I could cool it (i.e. process everything said and the feelings that went with it). Man, it was hard.
It was more of a frustrated and angry quiet, obviously. It's not in my nature to be that noticeably angry or, rather, I'm not trained well to keep things in or wait for a possible better time to bring things up. Anytime is a good time to me, ha! So, learning timing and to "pick my battles" better are life lessons going down.
Honestly, I probably do need to just be quiet more often. Bring things to God and take time to personally reflect and process. Yet, for example, when dealing with issues involving a [significant] other, I want them to be more like me. I think it'd be easier to understand them and whatnot. It's not going to happen but I want it. With this desire, though, I'm not acknowledging the other's differences as a good thing and how they could make me better, just that the other person is different and I don't want them to be. Ha!
It's funny, I thought of the time all five of us reversed roles one family dinner. It was pretty revealing. It's actually probably one of the most memorable family meals because I got to see how I looked and acted to someone else ...and that I was not always the most pleasant, to put it nicely.
Differences are hard but good. They can be irritating and glaring in those closest to you, though stretch you to love, to extend grace and mercy, and to even put yourself in the other's shoes. They can broaden your perspective, thus enhancing it. They make us who we are and help us be less boring.
I've let differences bog me down, lately. I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to be so confident and sure and in control and not as emotional and I knew myself ...and, and, and.
And I was beginning to just not care and it was easier.
Sounds terrible but it's true, because it takes more work to talk fully about your day or ask questions to instigate conversation. It takes more work to go out of your way to show someone that you do care with kisses, cleaning the house, sweet cards, a smile, or whatever. It takes more work to stop and truly listen. It takes more work to not complain and to see a positive. It takes more work to turn in a good, solid finished product or to do your job to the best of your ability despite no foreseeable reward. It takes more work to contact a family member or friend far away. It takes more work to be patient with kids, whether yours or not. It takes more work to plan a meal, shop, and cook to be healthier instead of having someone else do all that for you. It takes more work to trust God in all things and read His Word to renew and guide than to let thoughts fly or go on your own. It takes more work to be okay with the uncomfortable and, as the case may go, overcome that discomfort when you really don't want to change or really just don't want to be out of your known comfort zone. It takes more work to talk with those you love and spend time with them or even take the time to take care of yourself with exercise for example, especially if you are not coming being filled up, you feel drained or worn down, or you don't see the point. It takes more work to own your faults and ask for forgiveness.
Life is messy and it takes a lot of work.
I want to be more selfish, which is a bad idea. I want to be more assertive, likely good. I don't want to be as angry and want to display grace, love, and mercy, obviously good.
I want a lot of things, good and bad. But really, I need Jesus.
Only He can mold me into a better person after trials and suffering, bringing me through to the other side in a positive way. Only He can provide the ultimate motivation, which is to bring him glory in all that I say and do and to give him ALL the glory. Only He can give hope to keep going and to extend that hope to others hurting.
"And when each of us looks back at the turns and folds God has allowed in our lives, I don't think it looks like a series of folded-over mistakes and do-overs that have shaped our lives. Instead, I think we'll conclude in the end that maybe we're all a little like human origami and the more creases we have, the better." ---Bob Goff
"We won't break... After Jesus affirms that the greatest treasures are not earthly are temporary, he encourages us to release our anxious thoughts. The creator and sustainer of the universe loves and provides for his children, so we don't have to waste our precious time worrying. God knows our needs and will care for us. (Matthew 6:19-32). He also knows we'll be tempted to succumb to worry. He tells us to come to him first, trust his presence and provision in the present, and live by faith one day at a time. When we trust God, we won't break. We never have to worry, Lord, because You never fail to meet our deepest needs."
"What is staggering about this passage [Exodus 1:1-22] is amidst the trauma, murder, hurt, neglect, and systemic injustice the people of God were experiencing, God was still hearing their cries and remembering His covenant. He had not forgotten and was not deaf to their cries for help, rescue, relief, or home. “God heard their groaning; and God remembered his covenant” (Exodus 2:24). Even as the earthly and wicked leader grew old, frail, and died, God was still on His throne hearing, preparing, remembering, and moving on behalf of His people.
None of us are immune to pain this side of heaven; Christ assured us we would know sorrow in this world (John 16:33). We can probably all readily recall some recent and very real struggle in our own lives. Today, as we operate in our selective hearing of our Father or delayed disobedience to the Holy Spirit or constant forgetfulness of the work of Christ on the cross for us, let’s remember afresh that God never ignores us or forgets us. Our Father is a perfect parent and His Son is a perfect Son. He keeps His promises. He is always active, always attentive, always remembering, and always moving on behalf of His children."
All of this has been coming together and coming to life through my study of God's Word and in the personal struggles I've had. I recently was given a glimpse as to the "why" I went through some of the hardships. I was with a patient and able to talk about what I had gone through and was doing to get through and offer advice and hope with God. I would not of been able to do that if I hadn't gone through that short (praise God!) but angry phrase along with some other life experiences. I probably would have been sitting in my chair across from the patient with a blank stare and the panicky thought of "Oh man, how much longer is this session?" but that was not the case at all. I really felt I was able to help.
Despite my sin and unbelief, God still chooses me. To Him be all the glory.
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