What Am I Doing?

I am told all the time how well I make salads.  It's the oddest thing to me.  But I am not joking.  I'll go through the salad bar and by the end of it someone next to me is saying "That's a good looking salad!"  Like every time.  Well, where are the (well-paid) salad-making jobs??

A couple other random things would be compliments on my decorating skills and my bow- making skills.  I decided interior decorating was actually not for me but I still have a good eye apparently, and I don't think bow-making alone is a career...

I used to enjoy, and think I was pretty good at, several things: playing the piano, making cards, baking, being a Dietitian, loving God, being a good friend, making good grades, running, being healthy, etc.

Slowly, probably over the last couple of years, my confidence has been chipped away, my emotional and psychological well-being are near empty, and I don't know what I do well.

The cute decorations around my house and my bows for decorations were the last, genuinely sweet compliments I remember. 

I try really hard, probably too hard.  I try and clean the house, I try to look good, I try to make dinner, I try to look good in a ball gown while making dinner, I try to work a full-time job, I try to workout, I try and do things with friends, I try to be a good daughter-in-law, I try to be a good wife, ...  If I had kids or pets, I'd be trying to be the best Mom or the best Mom (some you got that).  In short, I'm striving and it's getting me nowhere but burnt out.

It hit me tonight, though, that just a few short years ago, like three or four, I was so different and so much happier and carefree.  I was not like the person I am today.  I didn't care what people thought.  I had goals and I was going to reach them.  I thought I could make a difference being a Dietitian.  I was positive and didn't complain.  I had a "fun job" and better mental health.

I used to bake a lot and now I hardly do.  I used to write out a zillion goals and now I don't have any.  I used to be positive and now it's really hard to be.  I used to like my job and now I'm crying when I go to work.  I used to not be scared about health issues but now I am almost debilitated by them.  I used to bring joy to others but now I don't know.  I used to have so much going on with things to do and now it's too quiet and still.  I used to do things with friends or at least talk with them and now relationships are strained.

What happened?  What am doing?

I think a huge difference is that my spiritual life has waned and I am not getting needs met.  I'm focusing on problems and not God, like Peter walking on the water ...and then not walking on the water, ha!  I do enjoy trying to equate what I'm going through with  something from the Bible and that story fits!

In some ways, I realize how much I want others to tell me I'm doing a good job and to tell me what I'm good at.  However, I'm getting the opposite from my boss.  There's nothing good enough for my boss and I'll likely never do anything right or well on the job.  The storms of life are really hitting.

I just can't accept it, because I want to do well and I want to do the right thing and I want to excel and I want to like my job and I want these things for my work life...  Heck, I want things to be great in all areas of my life!

My Dad will still say that he's proud of me no matter what and thankfully he has said that because I have him saying it in my head on repeat right now. "You know I'm proud of you" or "You're Mother and I are proud of you" and always ending with I love you. 

Then there's my Mom who says she prays for me everyday and now my husband who tells me to be resilient.

I just need words. And encouragement.

I think of the time I was in Army training school and the head people really did not like me. At all. For no reason.  But thankfully I had people I didn't even know that well come along beside me and tell me they'd help me (and they did) and tell me to ignore the head people because they were wrong, among other choice words.  By the end, the head people put me in a position to fail and fail big in front of everyone.  And yet, God gave me a brilliant idea that eventually helped me win -- I gave everyone a spirit animal.

The bad part of that scenario, of being so broken and sad, has definitely been this past year's theme. It's definitely been too long.

I pray for God's "win" again. Soon.

God and Hunting

There's definitely one thing I never thought I would be doing... hunting.  It was never on my radar, it was never part of my plan.

But we all know what God does to your plan, ha!

As many of you know, my husband is an avid hunter. I think he's very talented and definitely has way too many mounts, antlers, and stories to prove it. 

He has invited me out with him several times, and I join because I enjoy walking in nature and spending time with my guy while doing something he loves (obviously just looking for that "best wife" title).  I decided to give in to his request and get my hunter's license not too long ago.  The course was interesting, in and of itself, and I'm glad I did it.  I gave him my license as part of his birthday present this year and his facial expression of surprise and joy was priceless ❤️

He then bought me a tag for this season, so I anticipate fun, lots of learning, and some time  together.  I also definitely want good elk meat to eat :)  We'll see what happens!

As I was praying about something else one day, I realized the gospel could be likened to hunting.

One way to look at it is life is the land.  In life, there are boundaries and, although you may not like them, they do provide safety and freedom.  That's what boundaries do.  If you go outside those boundaries, however, you are not protected. 

I remember going out with my husband once and basically every antelope we saw was in the area of land where we could not kill them.  Another similar instance was when he saw several deer in one area but he knew they were outside of where his tag allowed him to hunt so he did nothing to the animal. He jokingly said they just instinctively knew where to go where they were safe and we couldn't touch them.  This is true of Christians because we have the Holy Spirit to guide us.  If we, as Christians, listen to the Holy Spirit and stay within God's boundaries for any of life's entanglements such as money, relationships, work, etc then we will be far better protected and actually free.  In addition, if we obey the boundaries, we are far less likely to incur consequences.  God knows better.

Another way to look at it is God is the hunter and you are the animal.  And God knows how to hunt.  God is patient and sometimes brings other believers along for the ride to help get the prize, your salvation or turning back to Him and His ways.  He will track your movements, see your prints and bedding, smell your scent, and see the mess you've left.  He will walk without wearying knowing where you are and call you in by name because He actually wants to save you from your sins and have a relationship with you.  He created you, knows you better than anyone, and loves you more than you will ever know.  You are His.

After God pierces your vital organs, the real work begins.  He cuts you up and hauls out your carcass from the depths of no man's land, perserving the good.  He sometimes asks others to help in this endeavor, too.

God can't wait!  He knows He is going to save your hide by taking out the stinky, gross stuff inside of you.  "Our pain and suffering isn't to hurt us.  It's to save us.  To save us from a life where we are self-reliant, self-satisfied, self-absorbed, and set up for the greatest pain of all... separation from God."

He will then fill you with Himself and His fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control, and more.  You will be given new eyes and a more perfected look; you will look like a different creature -- one influenced and transformed by God.  You will be displayed in the best spot in the house with absolute pride and joy.

To think that a real hunter goes through all of this: preparation, anticipation, work, teamwork, pride and joy, etc.  Then to think how much more God pursues or hunts you ...and with love and grace, not a bow or rifle.  Think how much more joy comes from one of His creations being called in and saved by Him!

I'm pretty positive I'm going to be more excited about hunting now, as I walk in God's beautiful nature scene thinking of Him and his saving me and longing to help me through the process of being made in the image of Christ.

Strengths

The question "What are your strengths?" was posed to me today and I froze.  Honestly, my initial thought was, "Oh my gosh, what do I say in an interview?!" because that's the only time I've really been asked that question.  But I hadn't rehearsed this time, ha!

I ended up saying something about organization and liking a list and being able to check stuff off, and I thinking I can communicate pretty well (but then trying to communicate with my current boss has potentially proven that one wrong).  I don't know, I just muttered through things.

The woman who asked said next, "Can I help you out?  One thing I've noticed already is that I think you're not afraid to say what you need."  And she is right.  To that, I also added, kind of as a piggyback, that I do know what I need because I think I know myself very well.  Furthermore, I said I know I'm smart and I can pretty much do what I set out to do.

She followed this up with the to-be-expected  question of "What do you think your weaknesses or hindrances are?" to which I was very quick to say, "I'm very hard on myself, was and probably still am a perfectionist of sorts" and something else. 

Later, after a slight pity party for myself because I couldn't remember any strengths I have, I thought of some.  I thought about how my Mom always says I'm disciplined and some other stuff.  ...And then I thought, "I'm not really doing any of those currently..."  Hmm.

One thing is that I think strengths = what you're good at.  So, in the past, I thought I was good at baking, running, blogging/writing, taking pictures, card making, decorating, encouraging others, being a Dietitian, dancing, and being positive.

I think I just need to get back to some of these things.  Plus, maybe it'll stop me from wallowing in my weaknesses, haha!

Most importantly though, I realize one strength is knowing who I am in Christ, and no one can take that away despite it being tested.  I think I know myself so well because I actually try -- read books, take quizzes, ask questions, sift through thoughts/feelings -- and because I try to know God. 

Like everyone else on the real faith journey, I'm a work in progress.  So, here's to me getting back to some strengths and seeing God work in my weaknesses and being humbled by it.

Praying

I left the room and let the stench of anger, bitterness, and disbelief stay.  I thought I was done; I had gotten the information from the patient I needed and knew I couldn't change their mind about unfortunate life circumstances and definitely not the unabashed anger against God.

And yet, I was saddened and burdened by the brief life story given to me just moments ago.  I had taken maybe three steps down the hall and was thinking of what I could do.  Pray for them came to mind and then the memory popped up of someone saying at some point in my life that most people don't say no to prayer.

I had the second of doubt and "I don't wanna" attitude flash by, but I turned around and entered the room again and asked if the patient wanted me to pray for them.  They said yes.

This particular scenario has only happened once for me, though I talk about my faith at work in other ways.  For one, I could see similarities between us with the anger,  bitterness, and resentment.  Second, I knew I had the answer, whether they liked it or not, which is to pray and to give it to God.  I told them it is hard, in some ways, and you won't do it perfectly but it does beat the alternative.  It beats being at the end of your rope, being an unpleasant and unhappy person, and ultimately turning away from God.

I've gone through more things in my life in the past one, max of two, years.  And I'll tell you that I have never prayed so much.

I pray for God to change me, because I cannot change others.  I pray along the lines of the serenity prayer (God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference) because, even if it is cliche now, it is very, very true.  I pray for the Lord to forgive me for being angry, and I talk to Him about it.  I pray for others, not that they would change but that God would reveal things to them, too.  I pray for my husband the most, after myself, because, honestly, I haven't felt the need to pray so consistently for one person before -- I love him and want the best for him.

I think that's it.  Throw two opposite people together and then a plethora of not-so-stellar situations or circumstances at one or both of them, and you've got a recipe in need of a lot of prayer, a lot of God in your life.  His design or what?

I know I would be okay if it was just me and God, and if I can share that with others to help them too, so be it.

Right now, it's me, God, and my husband.  And the friends and family I know I can rely on.  I am grateful.

And on a side note, I think I should start praying for our country and our leaders.  The world is changing...

Life Doesn't Stop

My eye is twitching.  Still.  It's been a month.
My shoulders are tense.  Again.  It's been a week.
My rest meter is on zero.  Again.  It's been a day.
My legs ache.  Still.  It's been an hour.

On the up-side!  I don't have a headache at the moment.  Miracle.  I've had them for years.

I think all the symptoms show life doesn't stop. 

From deployment to wedding to civilian work woes and lots in between... life has been pretty non-stop lately.  I mean, all things considered, it's to be expected.  And I think and hope I've weathered the worst of it.  Yet, new fires appear daily and there seems to be something to do all the time.

Taking the good with the bad... More like finding the good in the midst of the not-so-stellar.  One thing that helps is when patient interactions make me laugh.  Even today one got me.  A patient was asked to sign a piece of paper saying that he was spoken to and understood what was said.  In response, he asked if it was for reenlistment.  I laughed out loud.  Yeah, it's a trick; it's really reenlistment.  Haha!

No matter what the day holds, these days, I blink and it's 9:00pm.  I should be getting on my way to bed, but I feel like I have stuff to do and/or need more time to simply relax.  I sit down and don't want to get back up, which has never happened.  I can't imagine what I will actually have to do or how I'll actually feel when I have a pet or kids.  Yikes!

All I can say is I'm definitely not going off of my own  strength.  God is holding my hand or holding me up.