Feeling Real Cruddy

Her face got as red as a poinsettia in an instant. I held her little frame while she was stuck between breaths for what seemed way too long. I was gathering my wits of what possibly to do. Then the biggest white rainbow came right for me from her teenie tiny mouth. 

That was my Friday. Day 1 of my poor, little girl being very sick.

My heart hurts.

Being a mother has been fine and dandy for the majority of my whole 3 months, yet the last few days have been sad and humbling. Sad because I don't like seeing my little one suffer, hearing the wheezing, knowing she's miserable. Humbling because I don't know what to do exactly to help except wrap her in my arms, bounce her, and tell her truths to soothe, like I love you.

I know that's all there is to do. The "nasty upper respiratory infection" will take it's stroll around the body and then vacate. It just takes time.

Still, I'm exhausted and my head and heart are taking a beating. Not to mention all our clothes and linens from the copious amounts of body fluid. Yuck. And let's not forget Blue. He has to howl a loud, obnoxious sympathy almost every time she cries.

Sidenote: Whoever invented the Moby wrap and the frida baby booger sucker should get a raise. Loving those products at the moment.

This is the first sickness of many, I know. She's just so small right now! Heaven help her ... and me.

It's Been Awhile

I looked and saw that my last post was immediately after quitting the most awful job I have ever had. And I mean awful. And that's an understatement. 

I'm not going to rehash the horrible events, especially since workplace PTSD will do that well enough for me. Simply, I had to get away from that place and I am doing much better because I did.

Since my last post, I've done a lot. Can't cram everything in here for the past 2-2.5 years but here are some big highlights: I have had a baby, ventured into a new career field, gotten a new RD job, stayed somewhat sane through covid lockdown, taken some trips, made a best friend, began a new hobby and sold it at craft fairs with said best friend, trained my dog (okay, maybe my husband did but I was there!), repaired my mental and physical health, made several lifelong friends, started my own business, moved from Wyoming to Georgia, and stayed married. So, you know, not a lot. Hahaha!

There were many dark days but God is good and gracious and brought me through them. There were beautiful days, too, and I thank God for them as well.

Currently, I am settling into Georgia with my 3-month-old baby girl, Kinsley. I have two separate, virtual jobs with a company called Dietitians on Demand as well as my own virtual dietitian practice, Nutrition Prescription LLC. My husband is about to take paternity leave, which I am very thankful for and excited for the time that it will allow us to be together without stress or distraction. I also get to spend time with my dog, Blue, all day.

I'm getting the lay of the land and finding things to do in and near the town we live. It is much bigger than where either my husband or I have lived for awhile - the past decade my husband has lived in much less populated Midwest cities, for instance. It is muggy, buggy, and crowded. People are either going 15-20 over the speed limit or 10-15 under, which is dangerous and annoying, respectively. We went to a food truck event and stood in line for 2 hours for food from which I got food poisoning. We've gone on several walks with Blue to different parks, which have been nice. We met a neighbor who has a young child and a new baby, so hopefully something comes of that. Our living situation is bare bones because our belongings will only be delivered once, and we are on the wait list for base housing.

One definitely nice perk is that we are close to my brother and his family. We drove the roughly 2 hour drive last weekend to see them and introduce "baby cousin," who received many exclamations of cuteness. My niece is 4 and wanted to be next to baby cousin all the time; my nephew is 6 and loved having baby cousin hold his finger. It was a special visit :)

I look forward to more posts and hope you do, too.

It's me! I'm waving hello!

Retirement

I quit my job. And I couldn't be more happy!

It is such a relief and huge weight off my shoulders to be out of that extremely toxic environment.  Some already know all the circumstances, so I actually won't regurgitate them all.  Just think of the feeling that you can't do anything right and you by God better not do anything wrong from management, blatent pettiness, inappropriate recording of conversations, and people not talking to you for no reason. And that's not even half of it.

SO!  I'm thoroughly enjoying my "retirement" as a friend put it, haha!  Not working is pretty nice, not gonna lie.

I'm not doing nothing though, as some believe.  I'm in school for a dental program and am liking it.  I'm taking up new hobbies like crafting.  I'm focusing on areas to improve in my life.  I've watched more Facebook videos of talented people than I could have imagined.  I've got a sometimes unruly puppy to take care of as well as a husband, who passes through, to care for, too.  I'm recovering from surgery.  Calling to catch up with people.  Journaling and reading.  So, yeah, I'm keeping busy.

Of course, since I have a little bit more free time then I did, I'm trying to put that to good use.  Obviously through the list above but I've also had to take up the task of going to the grocery store for no other reason than to try and miraculously find products, like toilet paper, disinfectants, and bleach. 

That's right! My time in my house is actually beneficial to keep the Coronavirus at bay and my free time is partially used trying to find things to combat it or at least keep up on things we've run out of at home.  Consequently, I've avoided all the ruckus of being screened and having things be canceled or messed up at work due to the virus epidemic.  I can't say I'm sad about missing that.  Although, I still have to go through the roller coaster ride with my husband with what is his work schedule so I didn't completely get out of the craziness altogether.  Boo.

I do love to travel and that seems to be extremely postponed, so I'll just sit and wait.  I usually do like to get away when I'm not working and when winter will never end.  I actually don't believe in all the big hype about this virus and think it is overblown.  However, I guess I err on the side of caution as advised by staying home a lot, not going out in the masses, not traveling, etc.  Maybe it's more that I'm afraid I'll get stuck being quarantined if I do go somewhere, ha! 

I'm afraid it's only going to get worse before it gets better.  I wish I had a reliable news source for this...  Nonetheless, if God can get me through such a terrible job then He can get me through this virus pandemic.

I'm on the search tomorrow for bleach! Wish me luck.

Poop Alert

My little buddy has been stressed because my husband and I went on a trip and had to kennel him.  We got back to some very loose stools, haha!

Unfortunately, I'm the one left to deal with it.  I thought things were getting better after I gave him some fiber ...and then they weren't.

I woke up this morning to the smell of poop coming through the vents.  I assure you, it was disgusting.  The smell was even worse as I was cleaning it up.

There was another time that there was an explosion of extremely stinky brown stuff.  Thank goodness there was no video recording of me that was saved and sent into America's funniest home videos!  Although, I may have won because my facial expressions and everything I did would have been hysterical to everyone, I believe.  Imagine someone in their front yard with a mat covered in poop and a kennel also covered trying not to vomit but definitely making the faces of gagging while also trying to wave fresh air in the house and under her own nose.  I can laugh now but, boy, that was bad.

I get it all cleaned up and then basically load him up again because I had to feed him.  I had hope because he had been asking to be let out to do his business, so I thought I might be in the clear.  Then he was asking to be let out frantically and, before I could even get off the couch, there was stinky, brown liquid coming onto the carpet by the door out of a uh-oh-don't-look-faced doggie.

I'm not mad at him; he tried.  I just wish he wouldn't do it but, of course, I know he can't help it.  So, I just feel bad for him because he clearly is not feeling 100% well.

Neither am I.  No, I don't have the runs like him.  Haha!  I just started crying.  He wasn't too far away from me but he saw and heard me and whined.  He could definitely tell I was needing some comfort and not doing well. 

He's been going a mile a minute since about 6 o'clock this morning but he's being calm and staying by my side now, when I need him.  Though some days prove frustrating because he is still learning, I am very grateful to have a little buddy.

What Am I Doing?

I am told all the time how well I make salads.  It's the oddest thing to me.  But I am not joking.  I'll go through the salad bar and by the end of it someone next to me is saying "That's a good looking salad!"  Like every time.  Well, where are the (well-paid) salad-making jobs??

A couple other random things would be compliments on my decorating skills and my bow- making skills.  I decided interior decorating was actually not for me but I still have a good eye apparently, and I don't think bow-making alone is a career...

I used to enjoy, and think I was pretty good at, several things: playing the piano, making cards, baking, being a Dietitian, loving God, being a good friend, making good grades, running, being healthy, etc.

Slowly, probably over the last couple of years, my confidence has been chipped away, my emotional and psychological well-being are near empty, and I don't know what I do well.

The cute decorations around my house and my bows for decorations were the last, genuinely sweet compliments I remember. 

I try really hard, probably too hard.  I try and clean the house, I try to look good, I try to make dinner, I try to look good in a ball gown while making dinner, I try to work a full-time job, I try to workout, I try and do things with friends, I try to be a good daughter-in-law, I try to be a good wife, ...  If I had kids or pets, I'd be trying to be the best Mom or the best Mom (some you got that).  In short, I'm striving and it's getting me nowhere but burnt out.

It hit me tonight, though, that just a few short years ago, like three or four, I was so different and so much happier and carefree.  I was not like the person I am today.  I didn't care what people thought.  I had goals and I was going to reach them.  I thought I could make a difference being a Dietitian.  I was positive and didn't complain.  I had a "fun job" and better mental health.

I used to bake a lot and now I hardly do.  I used to write out a zillion goals and now I don't have any.  I used to be positive and now it's really hard to be.  I used to like my job and now I'm crying when I go to work.  I used to not be scared about health issues but now I am almost debilitated by them.  I used to bring joy to others but now I don't know.  I used to have so much going on with things to do and now it's too quiet and still.  I used to do things with friends or at least talk with them and now relationships are strained.

What happened?  What am doing?

I think a huge difference is that my spiritual life has waned and I am not getting needs met.  I'm focusing on problems and not God, like Peter walking on the water ...and then not walking on the water, ha!  I do enjoy trying to equate what I'm going through with  something from the Bible and that story fits!

In some ways, I realize how much I want others to tell me I'm doing a good job and to tell me what I'm good at.  However, I'm getting the opposite from my boss.  There's nothing good enough for my boss and I'll likely never do anything right or well on the job.  The storms of life are really hitting.

I just can't accept it, because I want to do well and I want to do the right thing and I want to excel and I want to like my job and I want these things for my work life...  Heck, I want things to be great in all areas of my life!

My Dad will still say that he's proud of me no matter what and thankfully he has said that because I have him saying it in my head on repeat right now. "You know I'm proud of you" or "You're Mother and I are proud of you" and always ending with I love you. 

Then there's my Mom who says she prays for me everyday and now my husband who tells me to be resilient.

I just need words. And encouragement.

I think of the time I was in Army training school and the head people really did not like me. At all. For no reason.  But thankfully I had people I didn't even know that well come along beside me and tell me they'd help me (and they did) and tell me to ignore the head people because they were wrong, among other choice words.  By the end, the head people put me in a position to fail and fail big in front of everyone.  And yet, God gave me a brilliant idea that eventually helped me win -- I gave everyone a spirit animal.

The bad part of that scenario, of being so broken and sad, has definitely been this past year's theme. It's definitely been too long.

I pray for God's "win" again. Soon.