Strengths

The question "What are your strengths?" was posed to me today and I froze.  Honestly, my initial thought was, "Oh my gosh, what do I say in an interview?!" because that's the only time I've really been asked that question.  But I hadn't rehearsed this time, ha!

I ended up saying something about organization and liking a list and being able to check stuff off, and I thinking I can communicate pretty well (but then trying to communicate with my current boss has potentially proven that one wrong).  I don't know, I just muttered through things.

The woman who asked said next, "Can I help you out?  One thing I've noticed already is that I think you're not afraid to say what you need."  And she is right.  To that, I also added, kind of as a piggyback, that I do know what I need because I think I know myself very well.  Furthermore, I said I know I'm smart and I can pretty much do what I set out to do.

She followed this up with the to-be-expected  question of "What do you think your weaknesses or hindrances are?" to which I was very quick to say, "I'm very hard on myself, was and probably still am a perfectionist of sorts" and something else. 

Later, after a slight pity party for myself because I couldn't remember any strengths I have, I thought of some.  I thought about how my Mom always says I'm disciplined and some other stuff.  ...And then I thought, "I'm not really doing any of those currently..."  Hmm.

One thing is that I think strengths = what you're good at.  So, in the past, I thought I was good at baking, running, blogging/writing, taking pictures, card making, decorating, encouraging others, being a Dietitian, dancing, and being positive.

I think I just need to get back to some of these things.  Plus, maybe it'll stop me from wallowing in my weaknesses, haha!

Most importantly though, I realize one strength is knowing who I am in Christ, and no one can take that away despite it being tested.  I think I know myself so well because I actually try -- read books, take quizzes, ask questions, sift through thoughts/feelings -- and because I try to know God. 

Like everyone else on the real faith journey, I'm a work in progress.  So, here's to me getting back to some strengths and seeing God work in my weaknesses and being humbled by it.

Praying

I left the room and let the stench of anger, bitterness, and disbelief stay.  I thought I was done; I had gotten the information from the patient I needed and knew I couldn't change their mind about unfortunate life circumstances and definitely not the unabashed anger against God.

And yet, I was saddened and burdened by the brief life story given to me just moments ago.  I had taken maybe three steps down the hall and was thinking of what I could do.  Pray for them came to mind and then the memory popped up of someone saying at some point in my life that most people don't say no to prayer.

I had the second of doubt and "I don't wanna" attitude flash by, but I turned around and entered the room again and asked if the patient wanted me to pray for them.  They said yes.

This particular scenario has only happened once for me, though I talk about my faith at work in other ways.  For one, I could see similarities between us with the anger,  bitterness, and resentment.  Second, I knew I had the answer, whether they liked it or not, which is to pray and to give it to God.  I told them it is hard, in some ways, and you won't do it perfectly but it does beat the alternative.  It beats being at the end of your rope, being an unpleasant and unhappy person, and ultimately turning away from God.

I've gone through more things in my life in the past one, max of two, years.  And I'll tell you that I have never prayed so much.

I pray for God to change me, because I cannot change others.  I pray along the lines of the serenity prayer (God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference) because, even if it is cliche now, it is very, very true.  I pray for the Lord to forgive me for being angry, and I talk to Him about it.  I pray for others, not that they would change but that God would reveal things to them, too.  I pray for my husband the most, after myself, because, honestly, I haven't felt the need to pray so consistently for one person before -- I love him and want the best for him.

I think that's it.  Throw two opposite people together and then a plethora of not-so-stellar situations or circumstances at one or both of them, and you've got a recipe in need of a lot of prayer, a lot of God in your life.  His design or what?

I know I would be okay if it was just me and God, and if I can share that with others to help them too, so be it.

Right now, it's me, God, and my husband.  And the friends and family I know I can rely on.  I am grateful.

And on a side note, I think I should start praying for our country and our leaders.  The world is changing...

Life Doesn't Stop

My eye is twitching.  Still.  It's been a month.
My shoulders are tense.  Again.  It's been a week.
My rest meter is on zero.  Again.  It's been a day.
My legs ache.  Still.  It's been an hour.

On the up-side!  I don't have a headache at the moment.  Miracle.  I've had them for years.

I think all the symptoms show life doesn't stop. 

From deployment to wedding to civilian work woes and lots in between... life has been pretty non-stop lately.  I mean, all things considered, it's to be expected.  And I think and hope I've weathered the worst of it.  Yet, new fires appear daily and there seems to be something to do all the time.

Taking the good with the bad... More like finding the good in the midst of the not-so-stellar.  One thing that helps is when patient interactions make me laugh.  Even today one got me.  A patient was asked to sign a piece of paper saying that he was spoken to and understood what was said.  In response, he asked if it was for reenlistment.  I laughed out loud.  Yeah, it's a trick; it's really reenlistment.  Haha!

No matter what the day holds, these days, I blink and it's 9:00pm.  I should be getting on my way to bed, but I feel like I have stuff to do and/or need more time to simply relax.  I sit down and don't want to get back up, which has never happened.  I can't imagine what I will actually have to do or how I'll actually feel when I have a pet or kids.  Yikes!

All I can say is I'm definitely not going off of my own  strength.  God is holding my hand or holding me up.

Failure

Do you feel like you fail?  Like all the time?  Maybe even at the simplest task?  I sure do. 

I was late to a meeting for a slightly embarrassing reason.  I got chided immediately and then later as well.  No one bothered to ask why I was late -- Did I trip and fall?  Did I have a breakdown?  Was I helping someone? -- doesn't matter.  Bottom line: wasn't on time so got reprimanded.  Whatever, move on.

I just want to be home, honestly.  I hope I don't reach the point of absolutely not caring.  In some ways, I'm there now but it could be worse...  and at that point I'm afraid I would not care about a lot of things.  I will do what I want, not what I "should" do.  I will treat others like they treat me, such as ignore, assume the worst, not apologize, not ask for answers, not be nice, etc.  Ultimately, I believe I'd shut people out.

People hurt me again and again.  Circumstances don't lend to good stuff or a good attitude as easily anymore.  Still, I press on. 

Life is hard, and it isn't perfect.  And some of us can fake it til we make it, but I'm not one of those people.  I do try... ha!  But one day I really, really tried I was just a worthless zombie crying incessantly.  So, I majorly failed at keeping my cool.

As a Christian, I feel it's my duty to be like Christ but I fail all the time at this, too.  I'm angry, frustrated, and  easily annoyed, at the moment.  I'm not being positive or nice to most.  I'm not being grateful whatsoever. 

I take it out my ugly on people I love, and I'm not proud of it.  I'm about to marry someone in the same boat.  Heaven help us.  Two very flawed people trying to get through the mess, of one another and of life.

We each have battles.  I'd thought we'd wage most together but I don't know.  I know I wish I could be with him now as I assume he is grieving.  I know I wish I several things... In the end, I know I still cling to God and and to the fact my guy says, "I love God and I love you," even if it isn't always conveyed or I don't want to believe it because of what's going on inside me. 

There is a lot going on inside me.  Clearly.  Life is messy but I want to go through it with my guy and God; we both have hang-ups but are willing to take a leap of faith together.  I'm going to continue to work on myself.

Obviously, not every day is doomed, not every person is on my bad list, and not every emotion is legit.  This is just a more difficult life season, and that's okay.  I press on with Christ.

God knows me better than anyone, and He knows what I need to be dependent on Him.  Read that one again.  God knows I'm weak on my own but He makes me strong and enabled.  God knows how to love me best and does so; He is my best friend and lover.  God gives me the power to forgive, to be renewed, to be who He's called me to be.  He also knows what I'm not getting from others and fills the void.


Philippians 3:10-12
[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]

That if possible I may attain to the [spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].

Not that I have now attained [this ideal], or have already been made perfect, but I press on to lay hold of (grasp) and make my own, that for which Christ Jesus (the Messiah) has laid hold of me and made me His own.


Philippians 4:12-13
I know how to be abased and live humbly in straitened circumstances, and I know also how to enjoy plenty and live in abundance. I have learned in any and all circumstances the secret of facing every situation, whether well-fed or going hungry, having a sufficiency and enough to spare or going without and being in want.

I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency].

Assurance

Have you ever taken the love languages quiz or read the book?  I've taken it several times and get the same thing each time.  I'm not surprised and find stuff like that helpful in understanding yourself and others, if they participate.

My greatest ones are words [of affirmation] and quality time.  In case you don't know, the remaining ones are gifts, physical touch, and acts of service.  I have a bit of all, like most, but definitely have my top ones that make me feel loved, important, cared for, special, etc.

My Mom and I were talking one day about how I had received affirmations in different ways all growing up.  Grades were a big one and a long-standing one at that.  Good grades told me I was a good student.   Others would be being told I was a good at sports, a good kid from other parents, the great server, a good worker, a good runner, and a good RA.

Nowadays, I don't have such a direct and consistent way to be told I'm doing a job well done, except by maybe my parents and work reviews at a yearly evaluation.

Maybe that is a natural progression but it stinks.  I see the lack of positive affirmations in all areas of life taking its toll.  It is unfortunately compounded  when being bombarded with feelings of the opposite -- feeling I'm not measuring up or feeling I'm not getting any positive responses at all. 

Sometimes I don't understand why I need assurance and wish I didn't. 

I think the boost, as I call it, eases some anxiety that I'm not doing a good job. It's feedback, whether positive (boost) or negative (something to work on). I don't know if I've ever been in the middle, really, so  wouldn't know what to do with that.  Much less how to get there.

Truly, I believe I swing between the positive and negative poles.  I want to be in the positive because it's positive (duh) and my language but don't receive constistent praise.  I try to give it but that doesn't seem to help.  I go to the negative then because what's left? and there is always room for improvement in my world.

It's not an awesome way to live, flipping between the two.  Who wants to constantly be working on everything that is presumed to be wrong or who wants to be frustrated by not receiving some needed praise?  Both are kinda depressing.

All I've got now to try to break the bad cycle is to give myself God's affirmations of who I am, per advice, and what popped into my head, called contentment.  Here's to cultivating that!  Suggestions appreciated.