I’ve decided that I don’t like hearing “take care” at the
end of a conversation. I think it’s
short for “take care [because I most likely won’t see or talk to you again].” That and the fact that if, say, care was a
pill to take, then I don’t need it because I’ve OD’d.
Faithful, loyal, or caring.
Call it whatever you want!
I believe I’m faithful, loyal to a fault sometimes, and I most
definitely care too much. Because of
this, I’ve gotten burned out on people.
Yes, I want to love God and love people, but I’m tired. Tired of caring, making the effort time and
time again with little in return.
Since coming to Texas, I decided a new leaf was going to be
turned and that I was going to take a nice break from instigating hangouts and
what-not. You know, just not doing
things that in my mind showed I cared. I
wanted to focus on me. It worked pretty
well since I didn’t’ know anyone in the beginning, ha! Yet now I’ve learned to focus on me in a more
healthy way and to prioritize.
This coming weekend is a good example. I’m going to where I call home, and time is
limited. I have a lot of people who I
love that I want to see and spend time with but there’s not enough time! Prioritize.
Each visit I have to choose a handful of people to see and do certain things
with in order to catch up. It’s a
two-way street, though. So, in the end, if
I don’t get to see someone or do something for whatever reason, I’ll try to not
take it to heart but chalk it up to trying.
Anyway, I feel like I went from the one extreme of caring
too much to the other of not caring at all.
Yet, going between the two has helped me realize personal tendencies,
which are not bad per se but need to be more balanced. Furthermore, as I’ve struggled with how I use
my time and how I want to use my time or with just simply saying no, I’ve had
some breakthroughs. Well, more like some
nudging from God to let me know that it’s okay to care [again].
Over the past week to week and a half, I’ve seen the most
progress in delving through the “should I care or should I not care?”
dilemma. To begin, I’ve loved seeing
that I’m not the only one who has a tendency to “care too much”.
- On Wednesday, I was talking to a sweet new friend about this very subject. She agreed and said that she’s in the same boat. I was relieved that she understood and kept talking, and then at the end of the conversation she said, “So, what you’re saying is that we’re going to be GREAT friends.” Yes. Yes, I am. :)
- I know we’ll be great friends not only because of that awesome comment but also because she’s similar to me. For example, when I super randomly saw her walking out of the grocery store while I was walking in, she gave me a hug and thanked me for hanging out with her on Friday night. She went on to say that she couldn’t talk right then since someone was waiting in the car for her and they were dashing off for an event but that she was looking forward to having dinner this Tuesday with me. It was like a “did that just happen?!” kinda moment because I thank people for doing things with me and make concrete plans to see them. Wow. It’s nice to be on the receiving end for once, not gonna lie. And this has happened more than once lately in God’s kindness.
- This same friend was kind enough to tell me, in a nutshell, that, even if we have a lot of crummy relationships (i.e. relationships we put a lot of time and energy into without much return in our opinions), isn’t it worth going through them to find the gems? Yes, I think it is. Hopefully the good ones that last will out-weigh the bad ones a zillion to one!
- I was skyping with another friend this past week who provided more insight and is another person who gets it. She asked what my personality type was because she thought we were the same. Yep. Our personality tends to care. A lot. Knowing this and knowing that everyone is not like me (thank goodness) helped me be more gracious when people “don’t care” or when I have very different expectations of what should happen based on how I do things. Now I’m trying to say let grace come instead of going to the mindset of “are you even a human being?!” or “are you seriously even my friend?!”
Moving on to the nudging of God about how to deal with those
who might not fit one or any of the categories just listed…
- I have a personalized verse pack on my dresser that I love. I turn to a new verse ever so often, and the one I turned onto last week was the following: “Jessie, do not become weary of doing good, for in due season you shall reap, if you do not give up. Therefore, Jessie, as you have opportunity, do good to all people, especially those in the Church.” -- Galations 6:9-11 Yep. Okay, God.
- On Tuesday, I heard a sermon about the prodigal son. I’ve heard that story many times. This was the second time it made a huge impact on me, with the first being when I was convicted of being the older brother. While listening this past week, the preacher mentioned that “prodigal” means “recklessly extravagant” and that most of us think of the son in this way but that we should actually think of the father in this way. His love for his son was recklessly extravagant! God loves us like that!! I want to love others like that.
- In tangent with this, the preacher spoke about another parable Jesus had given. It was the shepherd going to find his one lost sheep even though he had 99 that were safe. When you lose something, your complete focus is on finding it. What if I’m so focused on me that I miss someone else who needs Christ, needs help, needs someone to care?
Needless to say, I was challenged with Scripture and God
tugging at my heart, and several friends, both old and new, helped me come over
the mountain of “to care or not” and start the decent.
It’s a process, to be sure, and one I’m going to be cautious
on and not let my guard down yet try to be gracious. I mean, I’m not going to be everyone’s friend
and that’s okay. I’m also not going to do
everything perfectly or exactly the way I’d like things done toward me a
hundred percent of the time, so I need grace, too. I’d just like to keep the close friends I
have, do some pruning if need be, and branch out to those who are in my path
now.
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