Warning: Expectations Ahead

Expectations are the bane of my existence.  It seems as though none are met and so they were all bad, doomed from the get-go.  

Actually, it's more like I'm on a huge struggle bus with them and one by one they take the wheel.  They either careen me off the edge of a cliff, smash me into a tree, plow me into a river to slowly drown, or... you get the picture.  The worst news is that it won't stop and I'm not exactly sure how to ensure they will. 

I know that all my needs can't be met by another person or another thing but only in Christ.  I know I am deeply loved by Christ, so I already have the greatest love story.  I know things can be only temporary and can be a source of learning.  I know a lot of truths, honestly, but it's not stopping the blows right now.  Although, it's good to be reminded of them to elevate things, renew ones mind, and know, broadly speaking, "this too shall pass."  

Some things that run through my mind:  I think of my job not being what I expected, my health not being where I expected it to be, my emotions not being at all what I expected, my boyfriend not saying or doing what I expected, and the list goes on.  I'm sure others can relate. 

I'll give a couple, specific examples that come to mind.  One being my health.  I just figured I was in good shape and that my knee was getting better but, according to my handy-dandy, new fitness watch and my episode of sheer pain tonight with my knee, I am absolutely nowhere near where I want to be or expected to be at age 30.  Whoever said their 30s were their best fitness years must be on crack.  The other example is with my boyfriend.  I expected him to be willfully social, for him to always be happy/want to see me, and to talk on the phone.  Yeah, no.

Hear me out, I am healthy overall and my boyfriend does really care about me.  There are seemingly a lot of factors, though I blame those dang expectations!!  (Or maybe just not being able to read my boyfriend's mind or him mine! Ha!)

I've heard expectations are "premeditated resentments."  However, thankfully, I don't think I've gotten that far.  Yet I will say, I have definitely been disappointed.

I thought I'd always be running, whether a marathon or a 5K.  I thought I'd talk to my boyfriend on the phone for hours on end like I did with my high school crush or get a visit with a hug and kiss.  I have my theories as to why none of these  things happen regularly (and why I expect them to happen) but a theory won't necessarily help me decrease the disappointment.

I need help and I'm not afraid to admit it.  Anyone with some biblical wisdom on dealing with expectations, by all means speak up!

Welcome 2018! ...I think

It's 11 days into the new year and I can't decide if I like it.  I have on rotation the following: 

"This is going to be a good year!"

"I've got this!" 

"Chin up, it's only been 11 days." 

"I think it's time Jesus comes back."

Some have New Year's solid resolutions and others simply start the new year fresh, like a clean slate has been given.  While still others see "just another day."  This year, I'm falling into that last camp.  Ugh. 

Don't get me wrong, I have already seen in 11 short days God's goodness through things I've had to work through or through the people God has placed in my life to speak to me.  I have also had a switch flipped at work that includes one thing coming in after the other along with personal disappointment.

Things seem to be in extremes, either high or low, which stinks.  I feel bipolar!  (I'm not but thanks for the concern)  I'll isolate just today.  One low was, when I was filling out a work survey, I couldn't think of what I considered my greatest accomplishment to date.  Nothing came to mind, and I can't even think of what I scrounged up to put even as I'm writing this.  Another low was the feeling of not being loved.  I struggle with "Well, I would that." amongst other things.  Maybe it is true I'd do what I think they should have done but they're not me.  They can't read my mind, and they can't completely fill that hole of mine labeled love.  On the brighter and lighter side, one high was exercising since its a joy and it definitely is a stress reliever.  I went to the pool and talked to a friend and later I had my cycling class, in which I'm pretty sure I killed some people.  I mean, they are just dying to come back!  Haha!  Another high was going to my Bible study and yet another was a combo.  I finished talking with my boyfriend then turned on my music to a song I hadn't heard in forever -- can you say dance party?!

I'll delve into the Bible study, as God's word is always timely.  We are in Romans 8, which is "superlatively great" and this week covered life through the Spirit, our future glory, and being secure in God's love.  There were such good things in the notes!  Some that stuck out to me was "In our Father's hands, even hardship and suffering may surprise us with a deep certainty of God's presence, love and fatherly care" and "Believers cannot be content until we repent and go back to following Jesus" and "Remember that God made you a new creation in Christ with a new identity, new desires and new freedoms for a new destiny."  

Considering my answer to the question "What are you waiting and hoping, and why?" was "I am waiting for no more pain, struggles, or disappointments -- life is hard!" surely demonstrates that I needed this lesson and the above highlights.  A different question asked to reflect on how the Holy Spirit works in a believer's life and the way He has been working in yours through specific verses.  From Romans 8:26-27, it speaks of prayer and not knowing what to say, yet, despite our weakness, God searches the heart and communicates with the Spirit, who intercedes on our behalf.  That is kind of a mystery to me but I do know I don't have all the answers and I know I am weak a lot of the time. 

These truths were good to study, hear, discuss, and read.  The first one listed above about hardships deepening our relationship with God got me.  The other that really tugged at my heart strings was "When God takes us into His family, He welcomes us to approach Him eagerly as our good Father.  Picture the reality of your holy Father looking upon you from heaven declaring, 'That's my child!'"  Not only did I think of the lyrics of the song "Good Good Father," which I like, but also the fact that God loves me as His child and He alone completely fills me in absolutely every life area.  I also found reassurance that God is proud of me, like a father is of his child, for the smallest of things.

Having highs and lows is rough but keeping my eyes on Christ makes me level.  Bring it on 2018!

When

Yesterday, one of the sweetest things happen!  My friend from church has an eight-year-old girl, who I've had the privilege of co-coaching soccer.  When she saw me at church, she waved and then ran and jumped in my arms for a hug.  It was such a pleasant surprise.  Seriously, melt my heart moment. 

Then, during worship, she came up to me.  I thought something was wrong so I asked where her parents were and who she was sitting with.  She said her Mom was singing and pointed saying, "I'm sitting over there with Dad."  She then said she just wanted to come give me a hug and say hi, again.  I felt so loved.

I told her Mom about it after the service and she just said about her daughter, "Yeah, she has a big heart."

It's true.  The sweet gestures reminded me of how innocent kids are and how faith is hopefully more easy for them.  And the fact that I want to go back to being a kid, but really, to just have child-like faith.  Faith that God's got me and everything is okay. 

Easier said than done sometimes, especially (and all the more reason to have faith!) when life is hard, when you get hurt, when you feel lonely, when you don't feel well, when you feel literally crazy, when you don't know what to do or say, when you don't know what you're doing, when you want to retaliate, when things feel unfair, when you want to believe and trust God, when it all feels too much.

In perfect timing, (though let's be real, I didn't really want to hear it from my Mom), I read in my devotional, based on Matthew 5:38-42, the following:

"In other words, don’t trade eyes for eyes, giving like for like; instead, take the exchange out entirely: Give and turn, then let go.  Jesus is essentially telling us to turn our palms up, shoulder the weight we’re not meant to carry, and walk on, going with them for an extra mile.  We ought to out-give, out-do, out-serve, and in doing so, bring honor and glory to Him."

"We’ve all felt like the doormat, felt the rub of dirty feet across our backs, a by-way for others to step over in their entrance to the feast.  But then I think of sweet Jesus, lifting the feet of the disciples—dirty, sore, broken, smelly feet—and washing them with His own hands.  The Savior of the world holding the feet of users and walkers and blind men who thought they could see, and washing them, making them clean."

So, in the midst of life with all it's ups and downs, I find it challenging to "out-give, out-do, out-serve," to not be selfish, and to hear and swallow the words of 1 Corinthians 13 about love, among other things.  Yet I know it is right and will "bring honor and glory to Him."  Therefore, I pray to receive what was shown to me through my little friend -- child-like faith and love -- in order to then show all others what was ultimately given to me -- forgiveness of sins through Christ.

Eat Well, Travel Often. But Really, Just PRAY!

I read two daily devotionals today because, well, sometimes you just need an extra dose of the truth.

When this happens, it is usually because I like reading my little devotionals!  I see the title of the next one and just want to keep going.  I'm currently reading about hymns and just love it.  All of them I've sung before, some many times.  Yet, reading them instead of singing them right now brings out more beauty.  Though, I have sung a couple out loud in the privacy of my own home, ha!  Hymns just hold so much truth in their stanzas and it is so refreshing.

I need their God-given truths right now.  I need to be refreshed, to renew my mind. 

Life is hard, mixed with sweet.  There's the comparison game.  There's expectations that others won't meet.  For crying out loud, there's not meeting your OWN expectations.  There's the feeling of failure before you even start.  There's being blown away by another's generosity.  There's a time when your body questions your judgment and times when it simply hates you.   There's the joy of friendship.  There's the sadness of saying goodbye.  There's deep pain in struggling with sin and letting go.  There's a tear shed for seemingly no reason.  There's the feeling of being overwhelmed.   There's a moment of clarity that vanishes.  Then there's a longing to get that clarity back.  There's a lot of "WHAT?!" moments and feelings.  There's sweet memories that sweep across your mind.  And thankfully, there's much needed rest and assurance. 

I won't go into too much detail on things because it's not necessary.  We all have our own situations in which we could fill in the blanks from the above statements.  

I will say that I did not do so hot on a race but I'm glad my friend was there; we are always there for each other.  I talked to my Dad and cried; talked to my boyfriend and got frustrated; and talked to my friends and laughed.  My body is recovering from the race on top of other ailments.  I chatted with my Mom and was reminded of the anniversary of my brother's death, for which I always seem to remember on the day of his funeral because that is slightly more vivid, I suppose.  Needless to say, it has been a rollercoaster and I'm a bit burnt.

I hope today and the next week or so affords me some of the rest I need and the ability to get away from reality to reassess, even for a little bit.  I know the assurance has already started to seep in through reading Scripture as well as about the hymns "Holy, Holy, Holy" and "Take My Life and Let It Be." 

If you haven't read or sung those, I encourage you to do so.  I also encourage you to read the Bible. Words of life :)

I'm making my way to Africa tomorrow to work with the Adera Foundation.  With everything going on, I haven't even stopped to really think about it.  I'm excited and a smidge nervous but I actually really feel inadequate and unprepared.  

Maybe that's exactly where I need to be… Fully hanging on to God because I know I can't do anything apart from Him, that He supplies all my needs, that He will never fail me, that He will work all things out for my good because I love Him, and that He will give me rest.  Furthermore, He is holy and patient, merciful and kind, giving and gracious.  And so much more!  While here I am saying take my life -- the good, bad, and ugly -- and I will be "ever, only, all for thee."

The struggle is real.  But I am not alone.  You are not alone. 

P.S.  More to come about Africa!

Perfectly in Control

"Boy! Today is at a whole new level of "What is happening?!"  I do not have it all together.  At all.  I don't know where my car keys are!!  I borrowed my landlord's vehicle to get to work but don't have my ID (it's in my car) so can't log on to the computer.  Ugh.  It's just so self-defeating.  Like why don't I have it together?!"

I texted all the above to a good friend one day.  Then in the next few days, I personally dug a little deeper.

My devotional app series was pointing towards a little lesson to learn, which  coincided with my external circumstances (i.e. the above of losing my car keys).  It's funny how the little things can stop and make you think.  It's also probably very good so that God doesn't have to use a big thing get my attention but only on occasion.

Life events lately have enabled me to see, yet again, that I am not perfect, I am not in control.  And I need help.  

It's not like it's fun.  It is necessary, however.  I get so wrapped up and distracted with what I'm doing during the day, how I feel (whether good or bad), or what I have to do the next day that I don't pay much attention to God.  I don't let him take off some of the burden, all of the burden.  But He promises to do so.

The fact donned on me that this reflects me having to daily pick up my cross and follow Him.  It is a daily dying to oneself and looking to God instead, not just a once a week thing or once-in-a-lifetime thing.

I was reassured that God is in control, and that I am most definitely not perfect and don't have it all together all the time.  And still, it will be okay.  

I just like how life lessons coincide with different Scriptures or devotionals that I read.  This actually happens a lot when I think about it!  For instance, I'm going through a mini devotional series on hymns and the one I read the day after losing my keys was about "It is Well with My Soul."  Now, this hymn was written in a much dire situation, so I know life will be just fine after losing just some car keys!  Yet, I know that God cares about the little things and will gently show me what I need to learn. 

I still like to speculate that something is wrong with me (like maybe I have another sinus infection and it's messing with my head!) because I've been so forgetful lately.  Might be legitimate, might be an excuse.  Nonetheless, I am reminded to rely on God; that though I'm not perfect right now on earth, He sent his perfect Son to die for me so that I could be perfect and blameless when I come before Him; and that I can relax since he is in control and has the plan and won't let me go astray.