When

Yesterday, one of the sweetest things happen!  My friend from church has an eight-year-old girl, who I've had the privilege of co-coaching soccer.  When she saw me at church, she waved and then ran and jumped in my arms for a hug.  It was such a pleasant surprise.  Seriously, melt my heart moment. 

Then, during worship, she came up to me.  I thought something was wrong so I asked where her parents were and who she was sitting with.  She said her Mom was singing and pointed saying, "I'm sitting over there with Dad."  She then said she just wanted to come give me a hug and say hi, again.  I felt so loved.

I told her Mom about it after the service and she just said about her daughter, "Yeah, she has a big heart."

It's true.  The sweet gestures reminded me of how innocent kids are and how faith is hopefully more easy for them.  And the fact that I want to go back to being a kid, but really, to just have child-like faith.  Faith that God's got me and everything is okay. 

Easier said than done sometimes, especially (and all the more reason to have faith!) when life is hard, when you get hurt, when you feel lonely, when you don't feel well, when you feel literally crazy, when you don't know what to do or say, when you don't know what you're doing, when you want to retaliate, when things feel unfair, when you want to believe and trust God, when it all feels too much.

In perfect timing, (though let's be real, I didn't really want to hear it from my Mom), I read in my devotional, based on Matthew 5:38-42, the following:

"In other words, don’t trade eyes for eyes, giving like for like; instead, take the exchange out entirely: Give and turn, then let go.  Jesus is essentially telling us to turn our palms up, shoulder the weight we’re not meant to carry, and walk on, going with them for an extra mile.  We ought to out-give, out-do, out-serve, and in doing so, bring honor and glory to Him."

"We’ve all felt like the doormat, felt the rub of dirty feet across our backs, a by-way for others to step over in their entrance to the feast.  But then I think of sweet Jesus, lifting the feet of the disciples—dirty, sore, broken, smelly feet—and washing them with His own hands.  The Savior of the world holding the feet of users and walkers and blind men who thought they could see, and washing them, making them clean."

So, in the midst of life with all it's ups and downs, I find it challenging to "out-give, out-do, out-serve," to not be selfish, and to hear and swallow the words of 1 Corinthians 13 about love, among other things.  Yet I know it is right and will "bring honor and glory to Him."  Therefore, I pray to receive what was shown to me through my little friend -- child-like faith and love -- in order to then show all others what was ultimately given to me -- forgiveness of sins through Christ.

Eat Well, Travel Often. But Really, Just PRAY!

I read two daily devotionals today because, well, sometimes you just need an extra dose of the truth.

When this happens, it is usually because I like reading my little devotionals!  I see the title of the next one and just want to keep going.  I'm currently reading about hymns and just love it.  All of them I've sung before, some many times.  Yet, reading them instead of singing them right now brings out more beauty.  Though, I have sung a couple out loud in the privacy of my own home, ha!  Hymns just hold so much truth in their stanzas and it is so refreshing.

I need their God-given truths right now.  I need to be refreshed, to renew my mind. 

Life is hard, mixed with sweet.  There's the comparison game.  There's expectations that others won't meet.  For crying out loud, there's not meeting your OWN expectations.  There's the feeling of failure before you even start.  There's being blown away by another's generosity.  There's a time when your body questions your judgment and times when it simply hates you.   There's the joy of friendship.  There's the sadness of saying goodbye.  There's deep pain in struggling with sin and letting go.  There's a tear shed for seemingly no reason.  There's the feeling of being overwhelmed.   There's a moment of clarity that vanishes.  Then there's a longing to get that clarity back.  There's a lot of "WHAT?!" moments and feelings.  There's sweet memories that sweep across your mind.  And thankfully, there's much needed rest and assurance. 

I won't go into too much detail on things because it's not necessary.  We all have our own situations in which we could fill in the blanks from the above statements.  

I will say that I did not do so hot on a race but I'm glad my friend was there; we are always there for each other.  I talked to my Dad and cried; talked to my boyfriend and got frustrated; and talked to my friends and laughed.  My body is recovering from the race on top of other ailments.  I chatted with my Mom and was reminded of the anniversary of my brother's death, for which I always seem to remember on the day of his funeral because that is slightly more vivid, I suppose.  Needless to say, it has been a rollercoaster and I'm a bit burnt.

I hope today and the next week or so affords me some of the rest I need and the ability to get away from reality to reassess, even for a little bit.  I know the assurance has already started to seep in through reading Scripture as well as about the hymns "Holy, Holy, Holy" and "Take My Life and Let It Be." 

If you haven't read or sung those, I encourage you to do so.  I also encourage you to read the Bible. Words of life :)

I'm making my way to Africa tomorrow to work with the Adera Foundation.  With everything going on, I haven't even stopped to really think about it.  I'm excited and a smidge nervous but I actually really feel inadequate and unprepared.  

Maybe that's exactly where I need to be… Fully hanging on to God because I know I can't do anything apart from Him, that He supplies all my needs, that He will never fail me, that He will work all things out for my good because I love Him, and that He will give me rest.  Furthermore, He is holy and patient, merciful and kind, giving and gracious.  And so much more!  While here I am saying take my life -- the good, bad, and ugly -- and I will be "ever, only, all for thee."

The struggle is real.  But I am not alone.  You are not alone. 

P.S.  More to come about Africa!

Perfectly in Control

"Boy! Today is at a whole new level of "What is happening?!"  I do not have it all together.  At all.  I don't know where my car keys are!!  I borrowed my landlord's vehicle to get to work but don't have my ID (it's in my car) so can't log on to the computer.  Ugh.  It's just so self-defeating.  Like why don't I have it together?!"

I texted all the above to a good friend one day.  Then in the next few days, I personally dug a little deeper.

My devotional app series was pointing towards a little lesson to learn, which  coincided with my external circumstances (i.e. the above of losing my car keys).  It's funny how the little things can stop and make you think.  It's also probably very good so that God doesn't have to use a big thing get my attention but only on occasion.

Life events lately have enabled me to see, yet again, that I am not perfect, I am not in control.  And I need help.  

It's not like it's fun.  It is necessary, however.  I get so wrapped up and distracted with what I'm doing during the day, how I feel (whether good or bad), or what I have to do the next day that I don't pay much attention to God.  I don't let him take off some of the burden, all of the burden.  But He promises to do so.

The fact donned on me that this reflects me having to daily pick up my cross and follow Him.  It is a daily dying to oneself and looking to God instead, not just a once a week thing or once-in-a-lifetime thing.

I was reassured that God is in control, and that I am most definitely not perfect and don't have it all together all the time.  And still, it will be okay.  

I just like how life lessons coincide with different Scriptures or devotionals that I read.  This actually happens a lot when I think about it!  For instance, I'm going through a mini devotional series on hymns and the one I read the day after losing my keys was about "It is Well with My Soul."  Now, this hymn was written in a much dire situation, so I know life will be just fine after losing just some car keys!  Yet, I know that God cares about the little things and will gently show me what I need to learn. 

I still like to speculate that something is wrong with me (like maybe I have another sinus infection and it's messing with my head!) because I've been so forgetful lately.  Might be legitimate, might be an excuse.  Nonetheless, I am reminded to rely on God; that though I'm not perfect right now on earth, He sent his perfect Son to die for me so that I could be perfect and blameless when I come before Him; and that I can relax since he is in control and has the plan and won't let me go astray.

Workout Buddy

Despite witnessing the awesome eclipse with my free glasses (I can't believe people were selling them for so much money!  Or that people were buying them!!), today was a sad day.  Actually, I thought yesterday was a sad day but today proved slightly more so.

My friend had to leave :(  I knew it was coming, but it still came too quickly.  She has gone back to the other side of the state to finish school, so it is legit.  It just leaves me without a workout buddy, weekend activity buddy, or come-by-my-office-to-pass-the-time buddy.  

There's almost no other way to say it: God knows who you need and when!  I definitely needed her as a friend and confidant, a "let's go do this!" go-to gal and someone to graciously listen to me process life -- a lot about relationships and the agonizingly long process of getting into work mode at the new job. 

We immediately hit it off talking about exercising and hiking during orientation.  It's like we were inseparable after.  And we had a lot of fun!

She got me on target for lifting weights for specific muscle groups on different days, since she's been doing it a while.  Boy, am I grateful!  It was the kick in the pants that I needed, as I was thinking about getting a personal trainer.  Well, she definitely became that, and kept me on track!

Workout buddy:  That's working biceps.  We're not doing those today.

Me, slightly whiny:  I know… but I like this one (i.e. exercise). 

Workout buddy:  Nope.  Stop.  Do this. 

We laughed.  A lot.  When you start seeing the same people over and over at the fitness center, you get some inside jokes.  Especially if there are grunters in the room.  Haha!  Life should be fun, you know? :)

We had our "bury/muffle your laughter" moments and our serious moments.  I mean, we both got a good workout in every time it seems, and hard work pays off.  So, I am looking forward to continuing what we started in the fitness center, yet the more serious happenings went down on our hikes and at work.

It was easy to talk about life -- past, present, and future.  We discussed every topic, like flaws and struggles and where we were going and what we wanted.  We definitely talked about our love of food and enjoyed the outdoors and ice cream days together. 

She is smarter, more beautiful, younger, more fit (abs, baby!), more sarcastic, stronger, way more tough, faster, wiser.  She has it together, and she gets all the guys.  All of them.  Need I say more?  She has a fantasticly bright future ahead!  I hope I grow up to be like her :)

She is already missed.  Saying goodbye yesterday and then working out alone today on top of having no visit at work when it was slow was rough.  Thankfully, I count her as a good friend and will visit as soon as possible and pray she comes back as soon as possible after finishing nursing school strong!

That Dating Game

First off, I don't think dating is a game.  It sure does feel like it is a lot of the time, though!  Second of all, sometimes it is fun and sometimes it is not.  Thirdly, despite all the stickiness, there is a lot of goodness mixed into dating, and I'm grateful to be able to choose who "my guy" will be.

Up to this point in life in this area, it's like I can never win.  I'm not going to be the king (or in my case, the queen) winning and saying checkmate by finding the right space, making the right move(s), or having the right strategy.  It seems I'll constantly be the little pawn moving only one space at a time that's overlooked and brushed aside. 

Dramatic, I know.  Sometimes that's how it feels, while other times I could care less about dating and marriage and could just enjoy the single life for forever!  I've just never wanted to date just to date, and there are several other factors.  Still, a lot of times, it's frustrating.  I stick to my prayer of "right guy, right time," and I have my standards, my list of must-haves and preferences, my deal breakers.  I've had to say no to guys because there's always a catch, whether on my end or theirs.  I keep hearing myself saying, "He's great BUT... (insert reason as to why we're not dating)".  

You don't love Jesus?  You're out. 

Oh.  So you don't actually want to date me?  Bye. 

You're kind of a jerk.  Deuces. 

All you want is the physical aspect of a relationship?  Nope.  Don't waste my time. 

This date felt like your personal info session with a Dietitian.  Congrats and see ya!

It's all happened.  There has even been a guy who checked off everything on my list!  Like everything.  Definitely the important, big deal stuff.  I couldn't believe it.  But that "but" creeped in, as usual.  I couldn't have ever predicted it when making that list so long ago.  I guess I thought once I met a guy who matched my list then it was meant to be and we'd live happily ever after or something.  Nope.  Why?  I'll likely never know the real reason and that's okay, just chalk it up to he's not the right guy for me after all.  I mean, there's still the other person who also has a list.  Haha! 

Needless to say, I felt like it was a cruel joke by God.  I basically tried to throw my list out the window.  Now that I'm in a new place, I figure I can start fresh and, in some definite frustration from the past, I joined an online dating site.

I am not a fan.  Sure, you set your parameters and whatnot but it's still work, still saying no to a lot of guys who you don't even know why they popped up, and still questioning the process.  I feel like I got on quickly and got off even more quickly.  

I am dating now, however.  That's slightly weird to write.  Ha!  He's a guy from the Air Force base and a good one -- chivalrous, thoughtful, good values, protective, really likes me, sweet, a leader, etc.  (No, he's not a pilot).  Being with him is fun, challenging and growing in many ways, and a different way to learn more about myself.  I'm obviously learning about "my guy" as well.  

I got all bug-eyed and quasi second-guessing when we talked about sports and the Olympics one time, for example.  He doesn't really go out of his way to watch either, as in he isn't too big a fan and doesn't have a team to root for or an event to get excited about.  I don't think I've met a guy like this before and definitely not one I'm technically dating.  I literally said, "Who are you?!" half joking, hall dead serious and wondered if we were too different (this is not the first or dare I say the last thing we differ on!).  On the one hand, I can understand since I'm a fan but not a crazy fan, like I'll watch OU and love it but if I happen to miss a game, it's not the end of the world, and I don't know every stat or player that ever was.  On the other hand, I don't understand at all since sports was such a bonding experience for me with family and friends.  I'd go to all the OU sports games with friends, my family still texts during OU football games about all the plays and TD celebrations, and I vividly and lovingly remember watching sports and the Olympics with my brother growing up.   How will he survive in this world?! 

He says he'll watch an OU game with me, so we shall see.  Maybe I become a crazy fan in his mind and then he'll be the one saying, "Who are you?!" 

No matter what, I want to glorify God and continue to take things one day at a time while asking Him to give me discernment, grace, wisdom, kindness, and all that I need.  Which of course includes who I need to be with.