Press Fast Forward

Surely there's been a time in life when you wished there was a fast forward button.  You wanted a way to get past things usually because they were unpleasant, taking too long for your timeline or agenda, things would be better after it was over, or the like.  There have been plenty of these times for me, and I most definitely would have pushed the button!  Sometimes multiple times so it goes super fast.  You know what I'm talking about. 

In the end, I'm glad such a button doesn't exist.  I mean, what if I didn't hit play at the right time?!  Because we've all done that with the remote!  And we all know a life rewind button doesn't exist.  But seriously, think of all the lessons, talks, relationships, thoughts, prayers, learning, and so on, we would miss. 

I'm currently searching for the nonexistent fast forward button in the hopes I'll be less stressed, I'll see where life is going, and I'll be relieved it all does work out [how I hope it does].  And that's just it.  I feel like I don't have control of all of life's things at this moment (as if I ever do) and I'm stressin' out.  Bottom line, I'm not trusting God.  It's hard to swallow ...I'm trying to say yes to my God-given lesson and work through it as well as trust He will see everything to it's finish. 

As if a situation weren't bad enough, I also feel as though I want to push a fast forward button on my boyfriend.  I suppose I think it would be easier if we sped up so that I would currently be with the version of him in, say, 10 years.  We will have known each other longer and thus we hopefully wouldn't disagree as much or we would at least know what the other would say/do/prefer etc. more often to avoid conflict and simply just enjoy more moments together.  Side note: we are truly very happy together and do not always have disagreements or conflicts and, when we do, we work through them.  Now then, I know conflict is inevitable since we are two different people, for which I don't need to go into more examples.  The sheer fact that I'm a woman and he is a man should suffice by leaps and bounds.  

Yet, by pushing him to this future self now (maybe that version will exist...? ...but I'm going to go with it not since I've concocted that version in my head and God knows better how He will actually mold and change him), I'm getting nowhere really.  It's like I'm pushing him to be at 75mph when he is at 25mph.  He doesn't want to speed up every time, but in some ways and instances he does speed up.  In others, I'm holding out that it's possible when he's ready.  However, I can also see my 75mph slowing a bit to more match his speed.  

Will we ever match?  I don't know but maybe that's the point, too.  Don't give up on the other racer(s) but do enjoy the ride wherever you are in it. 

I do know I'm most definitely missing out on the version of him with me today as well as the joy, love, learning, and more that is happening now.  So, I'm going to pray and read  my Bible and/or devotional, which had a timely verse today:

"I am leaving you with a gift – – peace of mind and heart.  And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.  So don't be troubled or afraid."

John 14:27 NLT

And I'll also be taking a chill pill while  not searching for that button anymore!

Side By Side

"Every day is special when we are side by side."

These sweet words grace a card given to me by my boyfriend on Valentine's Day, yet it wasn't until this last week and, in particular, the last two days until they really wrung true for me.

Truthfully, every day can't be special in a super romantic kind of way but every day is truly a gift.  And each day right now can be touched with my boyfriend's presence along with his God-given personality, qualities, characteristics, and love.  For all this, I am grateful.

I traveled to see his family this past week and gained new insights and understanding.  It was actually quite fun to visit the place he called home growing up and meet many family members and some friends who love him and want the best for him.  We were able to do a lot just the two of us, such as hiking, beach time, and sightseeing, which were all very nice, and do things with others as well, like a demolition derby, Six Flags, and beach time. We also were able to witness his half-sister's lovely wedding and wish the happy couple well for the next chapter in life. 

Experiencing all this opened up the canvas of his life to me and helped me see things better and understand things more fully.  There were even moments when I saw pure love in his eyes for me.  I love moments like those and look forward to more.

So, yes, those words in the card came alive in those moments but also the last two days when we were trying to get home.  We flew standby, so did not have a guaranteed seat, and the flights were horrific.  We got as far as Chicago and had to break down and buy tickets to finish the journey.  After spending literally 48 hours in airports, planes, and buses (but more so in airports) and getting only about five hours of sleep, we are still together.  If that's not a relationship victory, I don't know what is!  We were in good spirits the whole time, I felt.  I mean, we each had our slip up moments of exhaustion, bad attitude, or just generally being over it but they didn't last long.  We got each other to laugh (he definitely made me laugh more), we let the other take a nap (he slept more), we talked (pretty even on this one), we made sure the other wasn't hungry or thirsty (I'm always hungry), we watched a movie together (I cried a second time seeing I can only imagine), we got each other's bags (he is so chivalrous and got mine a lot), he patiently waited for me at the bathroom (I have to go way too often -- well hydrated, ha!), and so on. 

He was a trooper.  It was the absolute worst standby experience I've ever had.  Having not flown standby very much at all and having gone through all that with a stellar attitude and frame of mind, not to mention holding my hand, letting me love on him in public, and staying with me, gives him superstar status!  

It was a bad ordeal and would have been a zillion times worse without him.  I'm so glad he was and is by my side, that IS special.

Sleep Naked

Roomies gone?  Check.
Dance party?  Check.
Hmm, what else to do?  See title. ;)

Hurting

I've become way more aware of people's struggles and people who are hurting.  I probably haven't felt this way since losing my brother, Jordan.  I'm just really, really sad, and I look and see hurting people all around me. 

Whether it's hurting in marriage or hurting because of getting out of a marriage or whether it's losing a loved one or the thought of losing a loved one, people are hurting in many ways all the time. 

I think of that quote that basically says you don't know what people are going through so be kind.  It's true.  Unless they open up or something explicit happens for you to know, you would never know.  People can be really good at hiding what's wrong. 

I suppose since I've opened up about my relationship that has ended right now and the hope I still have, others have shared their struggles with me.  It not only helps me know that I'm not alone but it helps me to know how to pray.

As I've been scrolling through pictures and thinking of memories, I pray every day for the man I dated -- for many things but one is for God's will to be done.  Honestly, I used to pray about one thing in particular but, since talking to a friend, I think I can more simply pray "God's will be done" and be confident that God is truly at work to accomplish it in his life.  And mine.  And yours. 

It's hard to lose someone so close to you, someone you love.  It's hard for you to see someone close suffering.  It's hard to feel tortured in your own mind or home or life.

And yet, prayer changes things.  When there's nothing left to do, pray.  Cry out to God, for he hears His children and will answer.  But also, know that He will wipe away every tear and make every wrong right, in His timing. 

I don't have all the answers; I don't have something witty to say.  In fact, I usually I don't know what to say.  For some, I can actually extend a hug. For others, it is all I can do to say that I hurt with them and for them.  And that I'll definitely be praying for them.

I know so many have been praying for me and I can feel it.  I am very grateful.  And I try to do the same for them. 

The Relationship Cake

There once was a baking class, an epic baking class, that a Master Baker offered on an ongoing basis.  He would let you in no matter what!  There weren't any prerequisites or prior baking skills necessary, no certain GPA or test score needed.  People just had to enroll.  So sweetly simple. 

In the class at the same time were two particular young bakers.  They were thrilled to be in the class and to team up for an assignment to create a spectacular cake.  They could've chosen anyone in the class but they chose each other.  The young man was loyal, faithful, protective, a giver, a leader, generous, logical, a hard worker, long-suffering, thoughtful, smart, handsome, honest, and chivalrous among many other qualities and gifts.  The young woman was loyal, faithful, positive, a giver, discerning, generous, logical, a hard worker, encouraging, talkative, caring, smart, honest, pretty, and adventurous among many other qualities and gifts. 

The young woman began by asking other bakers and the Master Baker what they thought.  They approved of the young man.  So, she proceeded... with warning the young man that this cake would take awhile and had specific instructions, a specific recipe.  He said he was all in. 

They began!  They talked a bit about how they wanted the end cake to look like and who's other creations they had seen in the class to possibly try to mimic.  They schemed about what to put in the cake to make it delicious.  They picked out a mixer, measuring cups galore, spatulas, pans a plenty, different flours, all the sugars, eggs, baking powder and soda, and expensive vanilla.  Those were the basics; they were ready to start.  Later, they knew they could request other ingredients or search the classroom, since it offered the most exquisite ones imaginable!  

The days flew.  They were filled with fun.  She sifted flours and asked questions, while he measured and easily placed items in a bowl.  She added things, he added things.  He even teased about putting in crazy foods, so she threw flour at him.  A mini food fight ensued.  

The weeks flew.  They were filled with work.  Fondant was rolled out, sugar creations were painfully crafted, and the timeline was reviewed.  In the kitchen, the young man and woman did not always accept the others ideas or ingredients.  Shocker.  They poked at each other's cake layers, which is necessary to see if it's cooked through but can be exhausting.  However, both added stuff without the other knowing!  So, sometimes they took time to talk and see what the other had in mind, and forgiveness was requested and given.  They got the item out of the batter and started over in love.  They knew the other wasn't perfect but they made a good teammate.  Still, they were smart and asked other bakers for advice in order to make a great cake.  

One day, a layer of cake was about to go in the oven to bake.  The guy wanted it to bake 30 minutes but the gal was sure it would take 40 minutes.  They were at an impasse.  

She simply stated that right now it wasn't the right time.  It was hard to say and hard to swallow.  It was confusing and crushing.  

And that's where the story ends.  The young bakers' cake was not finished.  They didn't blame the other but had to wait.  Each needed to re-evaluate with the Master Baker's recipe.  

Relationships are like cake.  They can be great, even spectacular.  They're fun to make at times, while other times you gotta really focus to put in the seemingly perfect measure. 

Bakers aren't perfect but the Master Baker, Jesus Christ, most certainly is. 

In my dating relationship, what I wanted and what my guy wanted were good; we both wanted a wedding cake in the end.  We both stayed true to ourselves and changed  in many, good ways during our journey together.  We learned a lot and did our best for the other. 

We had fun (hiking, helicopter rides, skiing, etc), we said sweet things (I read my Valentine's Day card basically everyday thereafter), we fought, we cried, we made up, we watched shows, we drove miles and miles, we listened, we cleaned up messes, we said I love you, we laughed, we stared at each other, we made funny noises (okay he did!), we played, we camped, we laughed...

I do not regret anything I said or did or the time we shared.  We let each other into our lives and are better for it.  I will take the blame for taking so long, for struggling.  I wanted it to work; I wanted the cake so bad. 

It's not the right time for us and that's okay.  It still hurts ...a lot.  Though, I'd rather break a bone and have it mend  now in the grand scheme of life versus potentially have years of resentment, years of heartache, years of not feeling good enough, years of unwanted questions, years of not appreciating each other, years of feeling like we're not getting wants/needs met.

We both may not fully understand right now why the relationship had to end, but I am confident that one day we will.

I hope we both go to God in our hurt, anger, confusion -- any emotion or thought -- for answers and evaluation.  I hope we both can be exceedingly happy in the future, whatever happens.  I hope, as we go to God and godly friends, we get to know Jesus better and love Him more each day, for each of those relationships to be deeper and richer.  I hope we both know we're in God's hands and loved by Him just the way we are and well beyond any love either could ever give the other.