A Hard, Messy Road

I was angry and tired (more like exhausted), and out of control.  I suppose it was a slow brew, which culminated to an unpleasant peak this week.  I know the reason, the real reason.  Of course, I also know other contributing factors that just added fuel to the fire.

I can blame my anger on miscommunication, frustrations, differences, hurts, misunderstandings, loneliness, rejection, unmet expectations, and more.  They're all valid.  But is that healthy and right?  The answer is no.

The answer as to why I'm angry is me.  I'm the problem.  I allow things to fester and grow and not in a righteous anger kinda way.  For instance, sometimes I just want what I want.  I want to do what I've always done, and occasionally I drag another person along for a so pretty drive.  That's bad.  I'm aware. 

I once felt someone was saying that I talk too much and it's exhausting.  All my questions, all my "let's do this!," all the work was just exhausting.  That's hard to hear.  Because, yep, not gonna lie, I am all about trying to give 100%, trying to figure it all out, and trying to alleviate potential problems or problems that already exists.  It is exhausting.  So, you know what?  I decided to be quiet and, consequently, stir the anger pot until I could cool it (i.e. process everything said and the feelings that went with it).  Man, it was hard.  

It was more of a frustrated and angry quiet, obviously.  It's not in my nature to be that noticeably angry or, rather, I'm not trained well to keep things in or wait for a possible better time to bring things up.  Anytime is a good time to me, ha!  So, learning timing and to "pick my battles" better are life lessons going down.

Honestly, I probably do need to just be quiet more often.  Bring things to God and take time to personally reflect and process.  Yet, for example, when dealing with issues involving a [significant] other, I want them to be more like me.  I think it'd be easier to understand them and whatnot.  It's not going to happen but I want it.  With this desire, though, I'm not acknowledging the other's differences as a good thing and how they could make me better, just that the other person is different and I don't want them to be.  Ha! 

It's funny, I thought of the time all five of us reversed roles one family dinner.  It was pretty revealing.  It's actually probably one of the most memorable family meals because I got to see how I looked and acted to someone else ...and that I was not always the most pleasant, to put it nicely.  

Differences are hard but good.  They can be irritating and glaring in those closest to you, though stretch you to love, to extend grace and mercy, and to even put yourself in the other's shoes.  They can broaden your perspective, thus enhancing it.  They make us who we are and help us be less boring.  

I've let differences bog me down, lately.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  I used to be so confident and sure and in control and not as emotional and I knew myself ...and, and, and.  

And I was beginning to just not care and it was easier.  

Sounds terrible but it's true, because it takes more work to talk fully about your day or ask questions to instigate conversation.  It takes more work to go out of your way to show someone that you do care with kisses, cleaning the house, sweet cards, a smile, or whatever.  It takes more work to stop and truly listen.  It takes more work to not complain and to see a positive.  It takes more work to turn in a good, solid finished product or to do your job to the best of your ability despite no foreseeable reward.  It takes more work to contact a family member or friend far away.  It takes more work to be patient with kids, whether yours or  not.  It takes more work to plan a meal, shop, and cook to be healthier instead of having someone else do all that for you.  It takes more work to trust God in all things and read His Word to renew and guide than to let thoughts fly or go on your own.  It takes more work to be okay with the uncomfortable and, as the case may go, overcome that discomfort when you really don't want to change or really just don't want to be out of your known comfort zone.  It takes more work to talk with those you love and spend time with them or even take the time to take care of yourself with exercise for example, especially if you are not coming being filled up, you feel drained or worn down, or you don't see the point.  It takes more work to own your faults and ask for forgiveness. 

Life is messy and it takes a lot of work.

I want to be more selfish, which is a bad idea.  I want to be more assertive, likely good.  I don't want to be as angry and want to display grace, love, and mercy, obviously good. 

I want a lot of things, good and bad.  But really, I need Jesus. 

Only He can mold me into a better person after trials and suffering, bringing me through to the other side in a positive way.  Only He can provide the ultimate motivation, which is to bring him glory in all that I say and do and to give him ALL the glory.  Only He can give hope to keep going and to extend that hope to others hurting.  

"And when each of us looks back at the turns and folds God has allowed in our lives, I don't think it looks like a series of folded-over mistakes and do-overs that have shaped our lives. Instead, I think we'll conclude in the end that maybe we're all a little like human origami and the more creases we have, the better."  ---Bob Goff

"We won't break...  After Jesus affirms that the greatest treasures are not earthly are temporary, he encourages us to release our anxious thoughts.  The creator and sustainer of the universe loves and provides for his children, so we don't have to waste our precious time worrying.  God knows our needs and will care for us. (Matthew 6:19-32).  He also knows we'll be tempted to succumb to worry.  He tells us to come to him first, trust his presence and provision in the present, and live by faith one day at a time.  When we trust God, we won't break.  We never have to worry, Lord, because You never fail to meet our deepest needs."

"What is staggering about this passage [Exodus 1:1-22] is amidst the trauma, murder, hurt, neglect, and systemic injustice the people of God were experiencing, God was still hearing their cries and remembering His covenant.  He had not forgotten and was not deaf to their cries for help, rescue, relief, or home.  “God heard their groaning; and God remembered his covenant” (Exodus 2:24).  Even as the earthly and wicked leader grew old, frail, and died, God was still on His throne hearing, preparing, remembering, and moving on behalf of His people. 

None of us are immune to pain this side of heaven; Christ assured us we would know sorrow in this world (John 16:33).  We can probably all readily recall some recent and very real struggle in our own lives.  Today, as we operate in our selective hearing of our Father or delayed disobedience to the Holy Spirit or constant forgetfulness of the work of Christ on the cross for us, let’s remember afresh that God never ignores us or forgets us.  Our Father is a perfect parent and His Son is a perfect Son.  He keeps His promises.  He is always active, always attentive, always remembering, and always moving on behalf of His children."

All of this has been coming together and coming to life through my study of God's Word and in the personal struggles I've had.  I recently was given a glimpse as to the "why" I went through some of the hardships.  I was with a patient and able to talk about what I had gone through and was doing to get through and offer advice and hope with God.  I would not of been able to do that if I hadn't gone through that short (praise God!) but angry phrase along with some other life experiences.  I probably would have been sitting in my chair across from the patient with a blank stare and the panicky thought of "Oh man, how much longer is this session?" but that was not the case at all.  I really felt I was able to help.

Despite my sin and unbelief, God still chooses me. To Him be all the glory. 

Love Is

One night I was driving home while talking to my Mom and, being in an uncharacteristically emotional state, I began to cry.  I was talking to her about my boyfriend.  After hearing me talk through sobs, she asked why I am dating him [still].  I told her three reasons immediately as I wiped tears: 1) he's a good guy and likes me, 2) for some reason, he wants to be with me, and 3) I think I love him. 

What is love, though?  In a sense, I didn't know then and don't feel as though I really know even now.  Or maybe it's more along the lines of the fact that your mind's understanding of things of this nature grows and deepens as you experience them truly or just simply again and again and again.

Most saw love when they grew up with parents and take it for granted, at least I did.  I still see how my parents love me every day as an adult; it's these days of experiencing it over and over that's helped me bring it to spotlight status.  Now, some see and experience love in marriage.  Obviously I'm not there yet, though I see glimpses of true love and my attempts to display it while I'm in the dating camp.  I fail; I even told my boyfriend that I don't love him well and I don't show him God's love ...and again that crying thing happened.  I admit that I am definitely seeing how selfish I am, not loving.  I'm out for me, my comfort and my norm.  It does not go over well. 

Thankfully, I see love and experience love deeply with God.  Jesus loves me.  Jesus loves you.  It's so simple, and yet, we miss it.  I'm given the opportunity to stop and think about it in my organized Bible study and it is so deep and freeing and personable and constant and forever and the list goes on!

Possibly we miss God's love because we are busy with our definition or the worlds definition of it or because we're too busy trying to obtain it from people, pets, places, or pizza.  (I just had to keep going with the p's. Ha!)  Seriously, there are a lot of definitions or pictures of love out in society.  

I think of what the world says love is or how it appears -- acceptance, positivity, surface level, sheer, doing it your way, sex, passion, desire.  Not to mention the unattainable world of Hollywood, Disney, and the like.  Not every scene will burst into song, there are not rainbows and butterflies constantly in the sky, there is not always a knight in shining armor, the guy does not really know your next line or move, there's not always a happily ever after, etc.  You may think I'm terribly depressed and I have no romantic bone in my body but that is false.  I'm just not seeing things with rosy painted glasses.  And let's not begin to talk about the promise of finding love with just a swipe or whatever. 

Moving on, the literal definition of love in Webster's dictionary includes the following:

1. A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

2. A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, friend

3. Sexual passion or desire

4. Affectionate concern for the well-being of others

5. Strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking of anything

I'll let you take that as it is. 

I heard a new definition tonight as love "looking at the highest good of another."  Oh, goodness.  I do not do this.  I am always comparing people to myself -- "I would not say that," "I would never do that," "Well, I would've done it like this" or I would've said this" -- because, obviously, my way is the best way.  Man, my heart is ugly.  Grateful my family, boyfriend, and friends forgive me and show me love! 

My mind is ugly too, but I filled it once with a good book called "Love Does," in which love is portrayed as an action.  I liked it and thought what the author was saying was true.  I just need that lasting and unquenchable example of love in my life. 

So, what does God have to say about love?  He says:

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.  And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  And though I'm still all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.  **Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, it's not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.** 

This is love. And though I have a long way to go, I know God is changing my heart every step of the way.

I know this because God has given me the greatest example, which was giving his Son to die on the cross for my sins.  For God so loved the world that he gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.  

Warning: Expectations Ahead

Expectations are the bane of my existence.  It seems as though none are met and so they were all bad, doomed from the get-go.  

Actually, it's more like I'm on a huge struggle bus with them and one by one they take the wheel.  They either careen me off the edge of a cliff, smash me into a tree, plow me into a river to slowly drown, or... you get the picture.  The worst news is that it won't stop and I'm not exactly sure how to ensure they will. 

I know that all my needs can't be met by another person or another thing but only in Christ.  I know I am deeply loved by Christ, so I already have the greatest love story.  I know things can be only temporary and can be a source of learning.  I know a lot of truths, honestly, but it's not stopping the blows right now.  Although, it's good to be reminded of them to elevate things, renew ones mind, and know, broadly speaking, "this too shall pass."  

Some things that run through my mind:  I think of my job not being what I expected, my health not being where I expected it to be, my emotions not being at all what I expected, my boyfriend not saying or doing what I expected, and the list goes on.  I'm sure others can relate. 

I'll give a couple, specific examples that come to mind.  One being my health.  I just figured I was in good shape and that my knee was getting better but, according to my handy-dandy, new fitness watch and my episode of sheer pain tonight with my knee, I am absolutely nowhere near where I want to be or expected to be at age 30.  Whoever said their 30s were their best fitness years must be on crack.  The other example is with my boyfriend.  I expected him to be willfully social, for him to always be happy/want to see me, and to talk on the phone.  Yeah, no.

Hear me out, I am healthy overall and my boyfriend does really care about me.  There are seemingly a lot of factors, though I blame those dang expectations!!  (Or maybe just not being able to read my boyfriend's mind or him mine! Ha!)

I've heard expectations are "premeditated resentments."  However, thankfully, I don't think I've gotten that far.  Yet I will say, I have definitely been disappointed.

I thought I'd always be running, whether a marathon or a 5K.  I thought I'd talk to my boyfriend on the phone for hours on end like I did with my high school crush or get a visit with a hug and kiss.  I have my theories as to why none of these  things happen regularly (and why I expect them to happen) but a theory won't necessarily help me decrease the disappointment.

I need help and I'm not afraid to admit it.  Anyone with some biblical wisdom on dealing with expectations, by all means speak up!

Welcome 2018! ...I think

It's 11 days into the new year and I can't decide if I like it.  I have on rotation the following: 

"This is going to be a good year!"

"I've got this!" 

"Chin up, it's only been 11 days." 

"I think it's time Jesus comes back."

Some have New Year's solid resolutions and others simply start the new year fresh, like a clean slate has been given.  While still others see "just another day."  This year, I'm falling into that last camp.  Ugh. 

Don't get me wrong, I have already seen in 11 short days God's goodness through things I've had to work through or through the people God has placed in my life to speak to me.  I have also had a switch flipped at work that includes one thing coming in after the other along with personal disappointment.

Things seem to be in extremes, either high or low, which stinks.  I feel bipolar!  (I'm not but thanks for the concern)  I'll isolate just today.  One low was, when I was filling out a work survey, I couldn't think of what I considered my greatest accomplishment to date.  Nothing came to mind, and I can't even think of what I scrounged up to put even as I'm writing this.  Another low was the feeling of not being loved.  I struggle with "Well, I would that." amongst other things.  Maybe it is true I'd do what I think they should have done but they're not me.  They can't read my mind, and they can't completely fill that hole of mine labeled love.  On the brighter and lighter side, one high was exercising since its a joy and it definitely is a stress reliever.  I went to the pool and talked to a friend and later I had my cycling class, in which I'm pretty sure I killed some people.  I mean, they are just dying to come back!  Haha!  Another high was going to my Bible study and yet another was a combo.  I finished talking with my boyfriend then turned on my music to a song I hadn't heard in forever -- can you say dance party?!

I'll delve into the Bible study, as God's word is always timely.  We are in Romans 8, which is "superlatively great" and this week covered life through the Spirit, our future glory, and being secure in God's love.  There were such good things in the notes!  Some that stuck out to me was "In our Father's hands, even hardship and suffering may surprise us with a deep certainty of God's presence, love and fatherly care" and "Believers cannot be content until we repent and go back to following Jesus" and "Remember that God made you a new creation in Christ with a new identity, new desires and new freedoms for a new destiny."  

Considering my answer to the question "What are you waiting and hoping, and why?" was "I am waiting for no more pain, struggles, or disappointments -- life is hard!" surely demonstrates that I needed this lesson and the above highlights.  A different question asked to reflect on how the Holy Spirit works in a believer's life and the way He has been working in yours through specific verses.  From Romans 8:26-27, it speaks of prayer and not knowing what to say, yet, despite our weakness, God searches the heart and communicates with the Spirit, who intercedes on our behalf.  That is kind of a mystery to me but I do know I don't have all the answers and I know I am weak a lot of the time. 

These truths were good to study, hear, discuss, and read.  The first one listed above about hardships deepening our relationship with God got me.  The other that really tugged at my heart strings was "When God takes us into His family, He welcomes us to approach Him eagerly as our good Father.  Picture the reality of your holy Father looking upon you from heaven declaring, 'That's my child!'"  Not only did I think of the lyrics of the song "Good Good Father," which I like, but also the fact that God loves me as His child and He alone completely fills me in absolutely every life area.  I also found reassurance that God is proud of me, like a father is of his child, for the smallest of things.

Having highs and lows is rough but keeping my eyes on Christ makes me level.  Bring it on 2018!

When

Yesterday, one of the sweetest things happen!  My friend from church has an eight-year-old girl, who I've had the privilege of co-coaching soccer.  When she saw me at church, she waved and then ran and jumped in my arms for a hug.  It was such a pleasant surprise.  Seriously, melt my heart moment. 

Then, during worship, she came up to me.  I thought something was wrong so I asked where her parents were and who she was sitting with.  She said her Mom was singing and pointed saying, "I'm sitting over there with Dad."  She then said she just wanted to come give me a hug and say hi, again.  I felt so loved.

I told her Mom about it after the service and she just said about her daughter, "Yeah, she has a big heart."

It's true.  The sweet gestures reminded me of how innocent kids are and how faith is hopefully more easy for them.  And the fact that I want to go back to being a kid, but really, to just have child-like faith.  Faith that God's got me and everything is okay. 

Easier said than done sometimes, especially (and all the more reason to have faith!) when life is hard, when you get hurt, when you feel lonely, when you don't feel well, when you feel literally crazy, when you don't know what to do or say, when you don't know what you're doing, when you want to retaliate, when things feel unfair, when you want to believe and trust God, when it all feels too much.

In perfect timing, (though let's be real, I didn't really want to hear it from my Mom), I read in my devotional, based on Matthew 5:38-42, the following:

"In other words, don’t trade eyes for eyes, giving like for like; instead, take the exchange out entirely: Give and turn, then let go.  Jesus is essentially telling us to turn our palms up, shoulder the weight we’re not meant to carry, and walk on, going with them for an extra mile.  We ought to out-give, out-do, out-serve, and in doing so, bring honor and glory to Him."

"We’ve all felt like the doormat, felt the rub of dirty feet across our backs, a by-way for others to step over in their entrance to the feast.  But then I think of sweet Jesus, lifting the feet of the disciples—dirty, sore, broken, smelly feet—and washing them with His own hands.  The Savior of the world holding the feet of users and walkers and blind men who thought they could see, and washing them, making them clean."

So, in the midst of life with all it's ups and downs, I find it challenging to "out-give, out-do, out-serve," to not be selfish, and to hear and swallow the words of 1 Corinthians 13 about love, among other things.  Yet I know it is right and will "bring honor and glory to Him."  Therefore, I pray to receive what was shown to me through my little friend -- child-like faith and love -- in order to then show all others what was ultimately given to me -- forgiveness of sins through Christ.