The Eyes Have It

I was enjoying the show a lot.  The choreography was fun, the music was upbeat, the singing was incredible, the jokes were funny.  And I sometimes sang along.

Then the stripper scene started.  I had forgotten about that in the story line...

I'm sitting there with a mini strip scene happening (in my opinion, since I've definitely never been to one) with a few men in the crowd hooting and hollering.  I don't really care that it's a part of the show, I don't care if it's not a true strip show, I don't care if everybody else was watching and enjoying it.  I was disgusted.

Oh, be careful little eyes what you see.

Our culture is so flooded with sex and people are desensitized to it.  Everywhere you turn, it seems someone is gesturing to it or some picture is alluding to it or someone is being very explicit about it or what have you.  It's not a big deal, they say.  It doesn't effect me, they say.  It's just a part of the show, they say. 

Wrong.

What happened to purity, both physical and mental?  What happened to hating what God hates?  What happened to actively trying to resist temptation?

Sin is a big deal.  Sexual sin is a sin.  And it will hurt you and hurt those you care about.

It makes me angry because I know God meant for one man to enjoy only one woman and vice versa, and yet there are shows that enable a person to sit and indulge visually on another woman's or man's body with that supposedly special someone right next to them.  It makes me angry because someone dancing around half-naked with a nice body and provocative moves is not real life, and I think it potentially gives someone false expectations.  It makes me angry that everyone just sat there and watched this very sexual dance go on and on.

I get that you can just enjoy the show.  I just wonder how many people went beyond the simple show. Who went beyond into the lust and adultery and impurity side of things?  I'll never know, of course.  That's between God and someone else's heart.

It's disappointing, to say the least.  Because, as much as I wish there was one person who looked away, I don't think there was.

I don't care if you think I'll never see another show again because I will -- it will surely be more PG, and I'll be happy and less tempted and less angry.  I don't care if you think I'm the only one that thinks this way because I definitely know I am not -- the women next to me even expressed their disgust.  I don't care if I never see a stripper scene again or am the only one who tries to resist temptation.  I don't care.  Because you know what?  I am, sometimes.  I am the only one who wasn't laughing at jokes disgracing God, in my opinion.  I am the one who got up during one of those sexy scenes to go to the bathroom and not have to watch it, because I don't want to put that rubbish in my mind or heart.

I don't say this to toot my own self-righteous horn.  That's not the point.  I most definitely have my own struggles.  I'm just saying it because I'm mad at the sin and brokenness in the world, how it affects me and others, and the lack of what I guess is conviction. 

Maybe this is just a wake-up call for myself and others.  Be aware of what you are watching and how it truly can and will affect you and others.  No one is perfect but we all have the opportunity to honor God, honor our own selves/bodies, and honor others (significant others included). 

Resist temptation and flee from it, by any means necessary.  Stand up for what's right.  Renew your desire for purity.  Even if you're the only one.

Just Words

Once you say it, you can't take it back.  Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.  If you wouldn't say it to their face, don't say it at all (or say it online, these days).  If you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to yourself.

Phrases like this are actually very truthful.  It's been interesting to think back to different phrases that I've heard like the ones above or even some like "you talk too much" or "you're quiet" -- as in you need to zip it sometimes and you don't talk enough, respectively -- are actually pretty enlightening.  To one extent or the other, I think all these phrases allude to the fact that words have power. 

We all speak or write words, so we all have power.  How are you using yours? 

I think you can either use that power to uplift or to tear down.  I also strongly believe that the words that come out of your mouth really come from your heart.  I just thought of one of my favorite verses in Psalm 19 which says, "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, oh Lord, my strength and my redeemer."

So, they're not just words. 

Want to know what's in someone's heart?  Sure, watch what they do but definitely listen to what they say, how they say it, and what they talk about in conversation.  Listen to their words.  What people think, what's in/on their mind, and what they meditate on in their heart will come out of their mouth.  Chew on that.

Beyond that, words have actions of their own but then they also can spark action.  No wonder the Bible warns, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it"!

Everything you do, flows through your heart.  I'm no Bible scholar but I think "do" here encompasses everything possible, so words are included.  Definitely chew on that.

Those actions, or words, can't be taken back.  And definitely can hurt.  However, there is a remedy called asking for forgiveness.  It doesn't matter if you're asking God for forgiveness or someone else for forgiveness.  A sincere "I'm sorry" can go a long way.  It can most definitely mend strained relationships. That is amazing when you really think about it!  It's two words, just two words!!  Those two simple words can help melt away so much.  And still, those two simple words can be very hard for some to say.

Relationships are built on a lot of things, one being words.  If you don't talk and communicate, you're not going to have a very good relationship.  If you don't ask for forgiveness and/or accept it, you're not going to have a very good relationship.  It's beyond unfortunate relationships die because of the lack of an apology -- that's a shame but also truth.

I think everyone has their standard of sorry/repentance, but for me, you don't have to grovel or anything.  I only expect a simple and sincere sorry and then for them to do better or be better in the future.  Similar to what my high school teacher used to say, "Don't be sorry, just be better!"

I get not saying something if it's not going to be nice, whether in person or online.  For example, in the heat of the moment, you might want an apology, you might want to say a lot of nasty things, you might want the other person to know you're hurt or offended, you might want to stand up for yourself or your opinion, ect. ...you might actually need to Shut. Your. Mouth. 

I am truly horrible at this.  Though, somehow, I feel I'm pretty decent at not saying something too mean.  The thing that really gets me is when you're trying to have an actual, normal conversation and get nothing.  Like radio silence.

Not saying a word is a response.  It is more often than not conjured up to be negative in the other's mind, from what I have gathered myself.  So, you are sending a message if you purposely choose not to say anything.  Whoever says differently is a liar or kidding themselves. 

I've noticed the less someone responds (i.e. doesn't give me words), the less I want to talk.  It's more out of hurt and immaturity and somehow like I'm getting revenge.  Over time though, I'd rather punch their face.  That seems normal, right?  Well, the wanting to talk less part. Ha!  If the other person is not responding, why would I talk?  It's like I'm having a conversation with the wall, if in person, and like the iCloud, if via text.  Sometimes I have to force myself to talk and not get offended when I don't get anything back to stuff I say.  This is hard and I don't like it.  Why can't everyone talk like I want them to talk and carry a conversation??

Then there is the opposite, when someone talks too much to me.  I usually get annoyed when it's just about something I've listened to enough already (like we're 15 minutes deep and I'm starting not to care) or it's something I already know, which tends to happen at work.  I start giving subtle hints that I don't want to talk.  I also want to punch their face.

No physical harm has ever been done, just FYI.

Okay, moving on.  Not saying something to yourself if you wouldn't say it to a friend... Yikes!  I definitely need to clean up my self-talk!

Negative self-talk can be very destructive, while positive self-talk can be very healing, even protective.  Negativity may spread like wildfire and positivity like harden putty, but being positive is crucial.  It doesn't have to be a lot, either.  Just being thankful for one thing a day is a start.

Heck, are negative talk can be destructive.  Personally, I don't like complainers and I have to confess that I have unfortunately fallen into that hole.  I complain about work (amongst other things) and, shocker, it doesn't make it better.  It just makes me angry and riled up.  I'm convicted by the power words have, by the environment I'm creating (which isn't a good one), and by a verse telling us to refrain from all grumbling and complaining -- "Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I [Paul] may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain."

Clearly, there are many, many verses in the Bible about one's words.  There are also many on the mouth and tongue, from which words obviously come out.  I haven't gotten to those yet ;)

My quick study on "words" has cemented in my brain that words are not "just" words but have meaning,  power, and more, and shouldn't be taken lightly.

Multi-Faceted

There are many sides of me:
Happy Jessie
Productive Jessie
Insecure Jessie
Ungrateful Jessie
Grateful Jessie
Competitive Jessie
Generous Jessie
Scared Jessie
Not confident Jessie
Sweet Jessie
Creative Jessie
and the list could go on and on.

There are sides of me that I don't like and there are  obvious sides that I do like.  Course, doesn't everyone like the good, positive ones?

I've come to realize that some of the not so pleasant and good sides are coming to the surface.  Some I have suppressed, consciously or unconsciously.  None of them I like; I want nothing to do with the yucky ones.  And yet, here they are in all their ugliness for me to deal with, to drag others through along with me (not recommended), and to get rid of, hopefully. 

I want them gone forever.  I wish that want was all it took.  I wish becoming more like Christ was a lot easier.  It is hard work/discipline.  It is not fun.  It is ugly.  It is sometimes very ugly.  It is refining.

The bad ones like insecure Jessie, for instance, are not dealt with gracefully.  But something must be done about them.  I can't keep suppressing or not wanting to deal with the bad.  And some I thought I had dealt with a long time ago yet are raring their head again, wanting to beat me.  However, I want to destroy them with truth.

God's truth.  Truths like: I am secure in Christ; I am the righteousness of Christ Jesus; I am strong in the Lord; God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind; I have the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control.

Further, I have to come back to the fact God loves me despite all the bad and no matter the end result.

I see more often the effects of leaving sins and shortcomings to be dealt with later, to be swept under the rug, to be suppressed, etc.  It's not good for me, by any means, and it's most certainly not good for those around me, who are affected.

Whether you understand what I saying or not, I think we can all relate to being refined in some form or fashion.

We are all being refined, right?  I know I am being refined by God and because He loves me, and I can only be refined because sin, all my sin, has been dealt with on the cross by Christ.

That's always the answer even if the path seems difficult to such a simple answer.

Fixin' the Flat

I believe my time on the struggle bus has definitely not been the joyride I'd like instead but has shown me quite a lot.  And I'm not off yet. 

It is slightly shameful to say I know my attitude hasn't been perfect throughout the ride, shall we say?  I've had my moments of meltdowns, quasi-screaming matches, and wanting to give up and get out.

I suppose the reason why I don't give up is because God is with me and I know I'll make it through with Him.  Easier said than done, sometimes.  Yet, God has brought me through so many things in life and He's not going to stop now.  I have to keep telling myself that, since I think what you tell yourself is more powerful sometimes, and I think people can just be spouting off stuff and not know truly what you need, but God knows you and, if you are His, He is in you so you can tell yourself Truths and what you actually need.

So, that's one lesson:  people who don't know you will tell you something like "depends on what you make of it" (i.e. a situation out of your control), "don't complain," or whatever sounds good at the moment.  A lot of that is rubbish in my book, these days.  I don't need someone to tell me what they think I want to hear or a simple "don't do ____"; I actually want someone to come in beside me to help, whether that is just simply being there or taking a larger role.  {To those who commented on my last post, thank you. You know me and you were encouraging, despite the distance.  I know you love and care about me! :)}  So, I've learned that I used to be that person who gave blanketed advice.  Not that that's bad all the time but I now realize I don't really want to believe those people when they don't spend the time to actually get to know me, know my story, know where I'm coming from, know where I've been, etc.  I can see a bit more clearly how and why the gospel is more relational and an action than not.

Lesson number two:  life is not perfect and those who believe it is or can be are delusional.  I also once was this type of person.  Sure, I have had my struggles like anyone else, and I have had certain hardships, maybe unlike many others.  Still, I've had really, really awesome experiences unlike others.  To me, most of my life has been pretty dang good.  And it's really not that bad right now!  I just know I strive for perfection and expect it in others, so I get disappointed, frustrated, and mad.  I have to quit striving, which is something I learned 10 years ago.  I thought I put it to rest pretty well then, so I'm hoping this isn't a lesson that pops up every decade... Ha!

Surely it won't, but I'm seeing that life is just not as easy right now, which brings me to lesson number three.  I want things to be easy!  When it was just me, it was.  I made my own decisions, I consulted really only myself and my bank account, and I did what I wanted when I wanted.  Easy.  Throw in another person you're about to marry, a job you don't like but can't get away from, and not having a ton of friends nearby and you get a different result.  It's a new game to maneuver in and some days it does not feel easy.

Life lesson number four:  people do what THEY want to do.  People are so selfish!  Myself included.  These days, I find myself being shocked by this fairly regularly.  Someone once said to me that marriage (or romantic relationships) makes you keenly aware of this sin, and they were right!  Still, it doesn't matter the context or the relation, to me.  I'd like to think I'm not too selfish, defined as lacking consideration for others and concerned chiefly with one's own profit or pleasure, by putting others first more often than not, like 80/20, but it's probably more 60/40 or in some cases straight up 50/50.  Let's be real, some days I am bit by the selfish bug and some days I see it biting others.  I've seen that I can say something multiple times and in multiple ways and get practically nothing in return or at least not something done the same way over the long haul.  I can even sit there listening to them say to my face what I would like to have happen -- of course, in some cases, with my mouth about to drop because they know what I want but still don't do it, ha!  Then again, maybe I don't actuslly want this because I would want it to come from the heart, not just me repeating myself until they do it.  Nonetheless, my theory is that it ultimately comes down to a want.  People are perfectly capable of doing what you ask, like most don't have physical restraints, for instance, but the desire (or the remembering...?) to do what another wants does not always win out.  (Hmm, sounds similar to flesh and Spirit battling.  And the one who wins is the one being fed!)  I can't do anything about someone not putting me first other than try not get my feelings hurt.  So, maybe I'm jaded but people are selfish and do what they want.

They may want to do something once, once a month, or once a year... or completely sporadically.  This brings me to my fifth life lesson:  people are not very consistent.  For someone like myself who strives to be consistent and has even been marked as being "steady," this is hard to swallow.  It's hard for me to understand how one can't keep something going, especially if it's beneficial.  It may be hard but that's to be expected.  If it weren't hard I probably wouldn't do it and it definitely wouldn't be considered a goal ...or rewarding, for that matter.  My mom recently shed some light on this by telling me that my Dad and I have the same trait of deciding to do something and sticking with it.  We are disciplined and, thus I think, consistent.  Boy, I wish people were more like me!  Haha!  If patients would consistently eat right, if significant others more consistently _____, if work was more consistently _____, if get togethers were consistent, etc.  Reminds me that God is the only one who is ever consistent and unchanging, which brings me to the fact I was given a picture where God fills in the gaps when people are inconsistent, when people fall short.  And another obvious picture is the Cross.

Furthermore, while on the struggle bus, I've overcome or at least pinpointed fears.  I have seen characteristics in people I do not want whatsoever in my life to the extreme that I have seen them.  I've seen how much I rely on others to feel loved through what they say and do, which is precarious because they can't love me fully no matter what and it's a lot of pressure on them.  I'm trying to accept differences and things I don't like.  I've re-learned I really like having something to do, specifically something fun to do.  I'm standing up for myself; I'm not letting people walk all over me nor am I trying to always be a people pleaser anymore.  I'm calling people out on their you know what, most of the time tactfully and graciously.  I know I'm not alone, though sometimes it seems that way.  I still make my needs and wants to known, even if I don't see them come about, because I want them to have a chance.  I know I need to laugh.  I'm trying to be a stronger person and am definitely stronger in faith in God.

All that to say, through all the lessons and many other learnings/observances/changes, I know that no matter what happens I'll be okay.  Taking life one step at a time, one day at a time.  Me and God.

Oh So Over It

God wants to change you more than He wants to change your circumstances.  I'm paraphrasing but that's one thing Joyce Meyer has stated.  Whether it's super biblical or not, the context in which she was saying it makes it seem so.

She has also stated that men could avoid a lot of problems if they would just say I love you to their wives everyday, say their wife is beautiful three or four times a week, and say that they are the most important person in their life three to four times a week.  I most definitely agree with that!

Anyway, I'd have to agree on God wanting to take us through things to show us our sin and how we need Him and how we need to change.

Boy, does that stink.  And I'm over it.

Definitely over the past 3 months, I have been struggling.  It's definitely gotten better with a consistent quiet time, yet things still erk me and I still want to change circumstances to what I want.  Also, I want to know why things are unfolding the way they are.  I can fathom some guesses...

Sometimes, though, I get to my wits end and just think that this is just how things are, how they're going to be.  I just have to accept it.  I have my ups and downs.  I have my real angry and frustrated and disappointed spells.  I have my peaceful times, however rare.  I have my "I do not understand this whatsoever" moments.  I have my wide-eyed, bewildered looks.  I have my groans and OMGs.  I have "you are ridiculous!" and "why don't you understand?!" flying out of my mouth.  I definitely have my come-to-Jesus moments.

Those are the hard but great moments.  Because Jesus knows it all and is the only One who can take care of it all.

I've come to realize that my work environment is likely not to change anytime soon and, if any pisitive change comes at all, it will probably be very, very slow.  The fight in me is boiling up and up and I would rather it not turn into flight.  Pretty much everyday is a test, and I mostly fail.  I let little things get to me and rub me the wrong way.  Then there are some big things that I feel helpless over.  Lord, help me.

I've come to realize that my fiance's work schedule is awful and isn't likely to change anytime soon.  I feel lucky to get a phone call for any amount of time because he is so "busy."  I'm also lucky if we happen to get a weekend day off together -- they are a magical unicorn.  Communication is minimal, time together is short (but sweet), sleep for him is lackluster.  Work seems to consume him.

In both these situations, it really doesn't matter what I want because it's not going to happen.  I can say what I want, all I want, about anything under the sun -- I want autonomy at work, I want to be thought of more, I want more communication, I want to make friends and for ones to visit, I want my guy to not be so busy, I want him to have an 8-5 work schedule (or better!), I want my headaches to go away, I want to dance, and the list goes on! -- but I'll most likely not see all these wants.

We're not guaranteed wonderful jobs, schedules, or circumstances at all times.  I get it.  I'm just tired of feeling beat up at every angle.  I kinda feel like Job, on a  lesser scale.

Someone once said, "what baby girl wants, baby girl gets!" alluding to me, but I can tell you, without a doubt, that is not true.  I don't want this.  I don't want a terrible job or a hard and terrible schedule to work around in order to see and talk to someone I love.  I don't want to feel unappreciated or unloved.  I don't want to be angry or resentful.  I don't want it to be so cold outside.  I actually don't want a lot of things right now.

If I would have really truly known how this job was going to be, I would not have taken it.  I can only say that I wish someone had said how terrible military life can be.  You know, something like, "Oh, by the way, you'll rarely see or talk to him.  And I am NOT joking.  Good luck!"

Maybe people did warn me of the military life...  I guess I had this delusion that it would be different for me.  That it would be good.  But now, I'm pretty convinced family and relationships suffer a lot and possibly too much, and they will not succeed if each person does not have a firm foundation in Christ.  Might I just add, pray for all those who sacrifice for our freedom.

So, circumstances aren't changing, just trying to personally change to who God wants.  I suppose I just don't want to change too much and I don't see why I have to change and not the other person.  Maybe, however, it will be more like an Esther story and that I am being and have been prepared for such a time as this.

Time will tell.