Blindly Committed

This whole active duty military life introduction has been quite extreme and, at many times, humbling. 

I have two different perspectives: family and service member.  Lately, I've been on the member side and have been influenced by several outstanding people -- whether having a good conversation, helping get my gear, offering expertise, making me laughing, being a great dinner buddy, or simply being kind.  I'm not an expert at active duty, and I for sure don't claim to be, though wish I were a bit better for different reasons.  Nevertheless, I learn where I can, I get refreshers when needed, and I offer what I can.

The family side is much harder for me.  Learning that a phone call is a luxury and a text seems out of the question and learning some days will be filled with absolutely no communication at all.  Being filled with pride and being on the struggle bus.  Making new friends and making things up as you go.  Committing to having some sort of sanity and committing to make it through together.  All these things are part of the deal.

I continue to glean and try to understand the sacrifice one makes when serving our country.  And it's no joke when you hear that the family also serves -- I live it out now and talk to others on either side.  I truly believe service members are incredibly strong and sacrificial, and yet, family members are even more so, in some cases.

Since I have decided to join my life with an active duty military member, mostly I am thankful that I'm just coming in on the tail end and don't have to endure too many more years.  Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if I had been introduced at the beginning and had gone through all of the waves of change and unknowns with him.  Some days I am thankful we don't have a pet because it would be hard to take care of, but then again, I wish I had a companion.  Most days I'm thankful I don't have a kid yet, but there are times I wish had someone around to distract me.  Still not sure how some manage having a pet, a child, both, or multiples of each with the schedule we have!  May the Lord bless them.

Living with a heavy workload, enjoying the camaraderie, being thankful for quickly forged friendships, going through the act of arranging schedules to see the people you love, enduring the disappointment when one can't make that happen, seeing the support from communities and individuals, congratulating marriages that stand the test, praising and molding great leaders, respecting the President and Chain of Command, and enjoying relationships with others in this unique life are all part of it.  I think it's okay to acknowledge the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly as well as the fact that we as military members, and family members alike, persevere, sacrifice, and grow.

I've been given the privilege to see those three characteristics and many more displayed.  Listening to family members tell me some of their struggles as well as ways they have overcome various obstacles is a beautiful thing.  Having the courage to come ask for help, giving of their time to volunteer for an event, juggling home life and personal life, rallying for support whenever necessary, being honest and knowing they're not alone, using their time and talent to arrange an event, spending time with the Unit, and more are frequently seen and it is a wonderful wonder.

My guy has been gracious and has shown me and told me a plethora of information on this life, which is not unlike many others.  I can't begin to explain all that I have learned, and I know there is more to go.

Even today opened my eyes to another layer!  I'm in on a conversation with some guys and the convo changed...  One just divorced and the other has been married 5 years but has only lived with his wife for about one and a half of those years.  Long story for each but they love what they're doing and are torn because it has already or could tear their marriage.  They know it's tough, yet they haven't been (and won't ever be!) on the other side.  Not me.  I'm in the position of experiencing both those sides and hope to use that to help others.

Not that I'm going to solve the world's problems of any kind, by any means, but, in their cases, I think they needed some Joyce Meyer in their life!  She was pretty spot-on when she said that a lot of problems could be avoided if a man would say "I love you" everyday, in addition to "you're beautiful" and "you're the most important person to me" 3-4 times a week each to their wife.  Honestly, I think a lot of problems can be solved by the above but also realizing that most women want 3 things from a guy: 1) time, 2) attention, and 3) love.  That will look different for each couple, of course, but one or a combo should exist.  For example, my guy took time to buy me a card, a rose, and chocolates for Valentine's Day.  He also took time and gave me attention by texting and calling to talk to me on the day.  He showed me love in the way I receive it -- time and words.  He did so good!!  Now, I was 100 times more excited to give HIM a card and gift than he was to me but that's another story ;) 

I kept running into the younger guy (a good God-thing to me!), and actually got to have a nice chat with him.  He said he and his wife have what works for them -- calls, Skype, visits when possible, etc.  Still, I feel for his wife because we're in the same civilian boat.  And it's not fun.  I tried to lend another perspective.  Hopefully more good things like this will come!

In the end, I have definitely struggled more on the family member side for several reasons outside my control and I don't say this for pity's sake but to encourage those true family members who have to be a single parent, go days or months or years without their loved one, simply not understand what's going on, receive minimal communication, or not know if their loved one will come home at a decent hour, for a visit, or at all.  To you I say, you can do it; make sure your foundation is strong in faith. I will also lovingly tell military members that their job can be hard and difficulties will come, so I hope their foundation is strong in faith, too. Furthermore, I want to remind them, so they know without a doubt, that their family loves and needs them, wouldn't mind a message ever so often to say "I love you," wants them to succeed, is proud of them, sees and understands their sacrifice as best they can, and cherishes that they're in their life.

Self-Talk

I know I'm a strong person, among many other qualities and characteristics.  Yet, sometimes I don't believe it and I definitely don't say it.  I don't believe it because I just unconsciously don't; deep down I know it's true but also insist I don't need a reminder.  I don't say "I am strong" or "I am beautiful" or "I am _____" because it would be a little weird to me to say those things and, I suppose, I rely on other people to tell me.

The reality is that I may or may not be those things but I sure need to hear them.  The reality is that if I don't say it, it may not be said at all.  The reality is that I do need to say positive things because they are true and I do need a reminder to believe it.  The reality is that God has already said a lot of the things I am referring to.

Unlike some, I do think words are powerful, and, unlike many, I know that I am very much a words person.  I can clinge to positive or negative words, and when I clinge too much to the negative it is not pretty.

Lately, I have been thinking about self-talk because I've heard that a person can be very influential or, rather, the most influential to one's own self.  Yes, you, can be the most influential to yourself.

I concluded my mind and thoughts can tell me lies or tell me truths.

So, I decided to tell myself truths ...while I look at myself in the mirror.  It sounds a little odd and it felt that way the first few times but now I like it and I think good is coming from it.  I chose to tell myself truths out loud, for starters.  I think that in and of itself can be very beneficial.  I went a step further to look at myself in the mirror for direct eye contact and to truly look at myself and speak the truth.

I refrain from saying things like "I will win the lottery" or other such nonsense that won't happen.  I actually just say things like:
I am loved
I am beautiful
I am funny
I am smart
I am confident
I am the righteousness of God
I am loving
I am patient
I am forgiven
I have self-control
Etc
I've noticed I'm drawn to the fruit of the Spirit and I think that's great.  Since I have the Spirit of God in me, I know what I'm saying is true.

I think saying things out loud not only helps me to believe them (for example, the "I am beautiful" or "I am loved") but, in hearing them boldly stated, it makes me want to actually be those things or be cultivating them more (for example, the "I am patient" or "I am strong" which is not a physical strength but a strength from God to endure circumstances and have the right attitude).

I wish other people would say these things to me  but sometimes they don't.  For example, I had to point out that my boss does not say many good things (praises), which actually led to attempts to give positive feedback.  However, it is visibly challenging for this person and seems to almost not want to come out, haha!  All I'm saying is that I can't rely on other people to give me what I want or think I need.  I heard a quote along the lines of, if you are messed up on the inside there's nothing anyone can ever say or do to fix you, and you will just drive them crazy.  I am messed up on the inside and, ultimately, the true fix of myself only comes from Jesus.

I don't think I'll do this mirror regimen forever but I've challenged myself to extend from roughly a week through the month of February.  The most startling thing so far is seeing how much my negative thoughts have brought me down and how many lies I have believed.  Once, I said a truth and started crying because I realized in that moment I hadn't heard those words in a long time, and I was believing the opposite, which was happening partially due to believing a lie and also partially because I hadn't heard the truth in awhile.

It's kind of crazy to think that saying something so simple out loud (only about 3 words at a time!) and literally to myself can be so freeing and good for the heart and soul.

I listened to the radio today and Lauren Daigle's hit song "You Say" came on.  It was very fitting.

"I keep fighting voices in my head that say I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I'm strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don't belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
I believe"

I choose to believe the truth, what God says of me.

The Eyes Have It

I was enjoying the show a lot.  The choreography was fun, the music was upbeat, the singing was incredible, the jokes were funny.  And I sometimes sang along.

Then the stripper scene started.  I had forgotten about that in the story line...

I'm sitting there with a mini strip scene happening (in my opinion, since I've definitely never been to one) with a few men in the crowd hooting and hollering.  I don't really care that it's a part of the show, I don't care if it's not a true strip show, I don't care if everybody else was watching and enjoying it.  I was disgusted.

Oh, be careful little eyes what you see.

Our culture is so flooded with sex and people are desensitized to it.  Everywhere you turn, it seems someone is gesturing to it or some picture is alluding to it or someone is being very explicit about it or what have you.  It's not a big deal, they say.  It doesn't effect me, they say.  It's just a part of the show, they say. 

Wrong.

What happened to purity, both physical and mental?  What happened to hating what God hates?  What happened to actively trying to resist temptation?

Sin is a big deal.  Sexual sin is a sin.  And it will hurt you and hurt those you care about.

It makes me angry because I know God meant for one man to enjoy only one woman and vice versa, and yet there are shows that enable a person to sit and indulge visually on another woman's or man's body with that supposedly special someone right next to them.  It makes me angry because someone dancing around half-naked with a nice body and provocative moves is not real life, and I think it potentially gives someone false expectations.  It makes me angry that everyone just sat there and watched this very sexual dance go on and on.

I get that you can just enjoy the show.  I just wonder how many people went beyond the simple show. Who went beyond into the lust and adultery and impurity side of things?  I'll never know, of course.  That's between God and someone else's heart.

It's disappointing, to say the least.  Because, as much as I wish there was one person who looked away, I don't think there was.

I don't care if you think I'll never see another show again because I will -- it will surely be more PG, and I'll be happy and less tempted and less angry.  I don't care if you think I'm the only one that thinks this way because I definitely know I am not -- the women next to me even expressed their disgust.  I don't care if I never see a stripper scene again or am the only one who tries to resist temptation.  I don't care.  Because you know what?  I am, sometimes.  I am the only one who wasn't laughing at jokes disgracing God, in my opinion.  I am the one who got up during one of those sexy scenes to go to the bathroom and not have to watch it, because I don't want to put that rubbish in my mind or heart.

I don't say this to toot my own self-righteous horn.  That's not the point.  I most definitely have my own struggles.  I'm just saying it because I'm mad at the sin and brokenness in the world, how it affects me and others, and the lack of what I guess is conviction. 

Maybe this is just a wake-up call for myself and others.  Be aware of what you are watching and how it truly can and will affect you and others.  No one is perfect but we all have the opportunity to honor God, honor our own selves/bodies, and honor others (significant others included). 

Resist temptation and flee from it, by any means necessary.  Stand up for what's right.  Renew your desire for purity.  Even if you're the only one.

Just Words

Once you say it, you can't take it back.  Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.  If you wouldn't say it to their face, don't say it at all (or say it online, these days).  If you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to yourself.

Phrases like this are actually very truthful.  It's been interesting to think back to different phrases that I've heard like the ones above or even some like "you talk too much" or "you're quiet" -- as in you need to zip it sometimes and you don't talk enough, respectively -- are actually pretty enlightening.  To one extent or the other, I think all these phrases allude to the fact that words have power. 

We all speak or write words, so we all have power.  How are you using yours? 

I think you can either use that power to uplift or to tear down.  I also strongly believe that the words that come out of your mouth really come from your heart.  I just thought of one of my favorite verses in Psalm 19 which says, "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, oh Lord, my strength and my redeemer."

So, they're not just words. 

Want to know what's in someone's heart?  Sure, watch what they do but definitely listen to what they say, how they say it, and what they talk about in conversation.  Listen to their words.  What people think, what's in/on their mind, and what they meditate on in their heart will come out of their mouth.  Chew on that.

Beyond that, words have actions of their own but then they also can spark action.  No wonder the Bible warns, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it"!

Everything you do, flows through your heart.  I'm no Bible scholar but I think "do" here encompasses everything possible, so words are included.  Definitely chew on that.

Those actions, or words, can't be taken back.  And definitely can hurt.  However, there is a remedy called asking for forgiveness.  It doesn't matter if you're asking God for forgiveness or someone else for forgiveness.  A sincere "I'm sorry" can go a long way.  It can most definitely mend strained relationships. That is amazing when you really think about it!  It's two words, just two words!!  Those two simple words can help melt away so much.  And still, those two simple words can be very hard for some to say.

Relationships are built on a lot of things, one being words.  If you don't talk and communicate, you're not going to have a very good relationship.  If you don't ask for forgiveness and/or accept it, you're not going to have a very good relationship.  It's beyond unfortunate relationships die because of the lack of an apology -- that's a shame but also truth.

I think everyone has their standard of sorry/repentance, but for me, you don't have to grovel or anything.  I only expect a simple and sincere sorry and then for them to do better or be better in the future.  Similar to what my high school teacher used to say, "Don't be sorry, just be better!"

I get not saying something if it's not going to be nice, whether in person or online.  For example, in the heat of the moment, you might want an apology, you might want to say a lot of nasty things, you might want the other person to know you're hurt or offended, you might want to stand up for yourself or your opinion, ect. ...you might actually need to Shut. Your. Mouth. 

I am truly horrible at this.  Though, somehow, I feel I'm pretty decent at not saying something too mean.  The thing that really gets me is when you're trying to have an actual, normal conversation and get nothing.  Like radio silence.

Not saying a word is a response.  It is more often than not conjured up to be negative in the other's mind, from what I have gathered myself.  So, you are sending a message if you purposely choose not to say anything.  Whoever says differently is a liar or kidding themselves. 

I've noticed the less someone responds (i.e. doesn't give me words), the less I want to talk.  It's more out of hurt and immaturity and somehow like I'm getting revenge.  Over time though, I'd rather punch their face.  That seems normal, right?  Well, the wanting to talk less part. Ha!  If the other person is not responding, why would I talk?  It's like I'm having a conversation with the wall, if in person, and like the iCloud, if via text.  Sometimes I have to force myself to talk and not get offended when I don't get anything back to stuff I say.  This is hard and I don't like it.  Why can't everyone talk like I want them to talk and carry a conversation??

Then there is the opposite, when someone talks too much to me.  I usually get annoyed when it's just about something I've listened to enough already (like we're 15 minutes deep and I'm starting not to care) or it's something I already know, which tends to happen at work.  I start giving subtle hints that I don't want to talk.  I also want to punch their face.

No physical harm has ever been done, just FYI.

Okay, moving on.  Not saying something to yourself if you wouldn't say it to a friend... Yikes!  I definitely need to clean up my self-talk!

Negative self-talk can be very destructive, while positive self-talk can be very healing, even protective.  Negativity may spread like wildfire and positivity like harden putty, but being positive is crucial.  It doesn't have to be a lot, either.  Just being thankful for one thing a day is a start.

Heck, are negative talk can be destructive.  Personally, I don't like complainers and I have to confess that I have unfortunately fallen into that hole.  I complain about work (amongst other things) and, shocker, it doesn't make it better.  It just makes me angry and riled up.  I'm convicted by the power words have, by the environment I'm creating (which isn't a good one), and by a verse telling us to refrain from all grumbling and complaining -- "Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I [Paul] may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain."

Clearly, there are many, many verses in the Bible about one's words.  There are also many on the mouth and tongue, from which words obviously come out.  I haven't gotten to those yet ;)

My quick study on "words" has cemented in my brain that words are not "just" words but have meaning,  power, and more, and shouldn't be taken lightly.

Multi-Faceted

There are many sides of me:
Happy Jessie
Productive Jessie
Insecure Jessie
Ungrateful Jessie
Grateful Jessie
Competitive Jessie
Generous Jessie
Scared Jessie
Not confident Jessie
Sweet Jessie
Creative Jessie
and the list could go on and on.

There are sides of me that I don't like and there are  obvious sides that I do like.  Course, doesn't everyone like the good, positive ones?

I've come to realize that some of the not so pleasant and good sides are coming to the surface.  Some I have suppressed, consciously or unconsciously.  None of them I like; I want nothing to do with the yucky ones.  And yet, here they are in all their ugliness for me to deal with, to drag others through along with me (not recommended), and to get rid of, hopefully. 

I want them gone forever.  I wish that want was all it took.  I wish becoming more like Christ was a lot easier.  It is hard work/discipline.  It is not fun.  It is ugly.  It is sometimes very ugly.  It is refining.

The bad ones like insecure Jessie, for instance, are not dealt with gracefully.  But something must be done about them.  I can't keep suppressing or not wanting to deal with the bad.  And some I thought I had dealt with a long time ago yet are raring their head again, wanting to beat me.  However, I want to destroy them with truth.

God's truth.  Truths like: I am secure in Christ; I am the righteousness of Christ Jesus; I am strong in the Lord; God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind; I have the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control.

Further, I have to come back to the fact God loves me despite all the bad and no matter the end result.

I see more often the effects of leaving sins and shortcomings to be dealt with later, to be swept under the rug, to be suppressed, etc.  It's not good for me, by any means, and it's most certainly not good for those around me, who are affected.

Whether you understand what I saying or not, I think we can all relate to being refined in some form or fashion.

We are all being refined, right?  I know I am being refined by God and because He loves me, and I can only be refined because sin, all my sin, has been dealt with on the cross by Christ.

That's always the answer even if the path seems difficult to such a simple answer.