Insecurity

Insecurity is rampant.  There’s no way around it.  And I am not immune.

While doing a book study on “So Long, Insecurity” by Beth Moore with some awesome ladies, I’ve realized how crippling and how pervasive my insecurity really is.  Before starting, I honestly didn’t think it was a problem for me.  Page after page of reading proved wrong. 

It’s like a knife is cutting into my heart and head to shine a light on the grossness.  Thankfully, God is the surgeon and is lovingly carving it out.

Although not ever area of my life is polluted with insecurity (praise God!), the book has helped me pinpoint certain areas where it is and then provided practical and Biblical ways to beat it.  The chapter I just finished included a lot of stories that women had written to Beth.  Some of the stories I had never experienced or even thought of as having roots in insecurity, some were warnings to be heeded, and some could have been penned by yours truly.

A few of the story headlines and words from Beth or from the stories that jumped out at me were the following:

“We gnaw on a relationship like a dog on a bone.  We worry a detail half to death out of insecurity, get no response, and then overcommunicate…”

“I tried my best to get it all under my control, to be in charge and make things just the way I wanted them to be.  Do you know how tiring that is?”

“Insecurity can veil our vision and blind us to how blessed we are.”

“Insecurity can talk us into doing things we don’t even want to do.”

“Not only can insecurity talk us into disastrous relationships, it can talk us out of great ones.”

“Incidentally, research shows that one mark of insecurity is the urge to lie when someone asks us if we know someone we don’t, remember something we can’t, or have ever heard of something we haven’t.”

“Insecurity makes us settle.”

“But the greatest regret I have is that insecurity has kept me from so many things.  It has kept me from instigating friendships that I desperately needed, kept me from pursuing career goals that I know God planted in my heart, and kept me from trying new things that would have been good for me.”

Thinking back to some of the things I’ve done makes me cringe and shake my head with embarrassment.  Overcommunicating in relationships…  Doing things I didn’t really want to do…  Trying to control people or situations…  Acting like I know what the heck someone is talking about…  

I’ve asked for forgiveness and for specific insecurities to not have their way.  Then, when specific people come to mind, like today, I pray for them as well – that they would be unscathed by my stupidity that was rooted in insecurity and that God would use our relationship, as ugly as it may have been at times, to be for their/our good.  A sweet little gift unbeknownst to one such person was the “liking” of a FB status, which made me think that God was already at work. 

Fighting insecurity is a hard battle, but it is beatable.

At the end of the chapter, Beth gives a good word:

“God Himself formed human emotions.  He knows how easily the heart can be broken.  The mind can be marred.  He knows life hurts… because people hurt… and then hurt people.  He also knows the resilience with which He made us and the innate capacity within each one of us to be restored.  Remade.  He knows we are capable of loving even when we feel unloved because He loves us enough to cover those who don’t.  He knows we are not nearly as fragile as we think we are, but will act like who we believe ourselves to be.  He knows we have the capacity to be astoundingly extraordinary, and not just in spite of where we’ve been, but because of it.  God knows we’re insecure.  But we do not need to be.  He has enough security for both of us, and for those of us who call Christ Savior, He slipped His own secure Spirit within our simple jars of clay.”

Go Army ...?

You know that moment when you've been pursuing something for awhile and you forget about it because you're waiting for the other party to respond?  Then they finally do, and it's positive, so you think back, "what the heck did I say to get them to accept me?!".  It just happened to me.  Thankfully, I saved what I said:

My passion as a Registered Dietitian is to assist a wide range of people to lead longer, healthier lives through sound nutritional practices.  I desire to eat well and be healthy so that I can live a fulfilling life, and I would love to share this mentality with others and offer practical ways to accomplish it.  Thus, having the opportunity to treat and prevent diseases, offer education on nutrition, advocate best practices from reliable research, properly assess nutritional needs, or supervise and create meals only reinforces my decision to make a difference in society and in individuals through dietetics.

While I was growing up, living a healthy lifestyle did not seem unusual because my family consciously made nutritious choices in order to help my oldest brother, Jordan, improve his chronic health condition.  Living with a sick sibling gave me a unique perspective on health, and I realized that what a person eats could help or hurt his or her wellbeing.  This mentality stayed with me as I went through high school and college.  I pursued a Bachelor’s in Health and Exercise Science, which laid a solid foundation for my future health profession.  This degree’s curriculum provided a varied and broad approach to health by presenting benefits, concerns, and ways to better promote wellbeing so that people can reach their optimal health.  A required class was Introductory to Nutrition, which sparked my desire to become an R.D. in order to enable people to be healthier through better food and life choices.  In the end, this degree supported my endeavor to pursue dietetics in graduate school.

As a graduate student, my learning became more concentrated but no less rich.  My knowledge has deepened through the University of Oklahoma’s program offering excellent courses to complete the D.P.D. requirements, whether the class was Medical Nutrition Therapy (MNT), Non-energy Nutrients, or Nutrition Management.  I also stretched myself by taking courses outside my discipline to gain a broader perspective, to discover new loves, and to gain a Master of Science degree.  For example, I participated in a Preparing Future Faculty Program, which opened my eyes to the world of teaching while fostering a love for it.  The program supplied numerous opportunities to improve my presentations skills, which are important for counseling individuals or educating groups.  In addition, an independent study course allowed me to expand on my summer trip to Israel in regards to global health, food, and nutrition and to blend my love for dietetics with traveling, experiencing different cultures, and learning from others’ perspectives.

 Throughout my life, I have demonstrated a positive attitude, loyalty, being a team player, diligence, adaptability to new places and situations, and a desire to help others of any age.  I always strive to be responsible in all areas of life and to look for ways to learn and challenge myself.  These characteristics are not only confirmed by others but are also evident in my pursuit of higher education, running marathons, joyful personality, love for travel, and work ethic. 

With everything that has helped to mold the young woman that I am today – family dynamics, years of education, outstanding professors, experiences abroad, extracurricular activities, various jobs, encouraging friends – I anticipate my future in the US Army to further my personal and career development.  Working with the military would be an honor and a very meaningful way to serve my country as I share my skills and passion.  I believe that joining the US Army would allow me to flourish personally as well as professionally.  Becoming a US Army Reservist, specifically, would provide unique opportunities to work with elite individuals, to participate in humanitarian missions, to serve our great country, and more.  Furthermore, since I aspire to be patient-centered in my work as well as a sound interdisciplinary team member, I would love the opportunity to collaborate with the best medical staff in order to improve the health and wellbeing of our nation’s soldiers and veterans, who have sacrificed so much to keep our country safe and free.

Again, I am excited to be considered for an Army Reserve RD position and look forward to gaining more knowledge and expertise, which I will in turn use to better other people’s lives.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

The above is one piece of my application to the Army.  Now to decide if or when I sign the dotted line...

Oh, Facebook...

Oh, Facebook.  How do I loathe thee?  Let me count the ways…

1.   You don’t really have that many friends.  I mean, for real, how many of my “friends” are really my friends?  The ones I talk to on a regular basis and actually see and talk to IN PERSON??  Crazy, I know, yet people rely sometimes solely on social media or technology (i.e. texting) to talk to others.  Lame.

2.   People only post what they want you to know, which is typically only the best thing going on at that moment.  How much discontent or jealousy does it cause?  Someone once said it should be called JealousBook.  Don’t get me wrong, people posting great things like new jobs, engagements, having a baby, getting a promotion, passing an exam, etc. are all great things and should be celebrated.  Just remember that people struggle with things or have terrible things happen to them but aren’t posting about it.

3.   It can definitely be a time waster.  How much life is being sucked from me?  The amount of time I get on FB ebbs and flows.  I went through a phase when I’d get on at least once a day for a good 20 minutes, just sifting through my newsfeed.  Other times, like the phase I’m in now, I hardly get on and when I do it’s for 5 minutes tops.  I realized there are more things I want to be doing and more important things that need my time and attention.

Of course, my relationship with FB is definitely a love-hate one because there are other reasons why I don’t like it and there are several reasons why I do like it, such as using it to set up Skype dates with my friend from England.

Anyway, kudos to you if you’ve chosen to have or keep an account in order to keep in touch with actual friends, say, with whom you can’t see face-to-face.  A big round of applause to those of you who post the good and the bad of life.  Bravo to others who aren’t letting their account steal all their time, and hats off to those who have deleted their accounts altogether for personal reasons.

There’s more to be said about FB and technology, but I’ll save it for another rainy day.    

Blast from the Past

I’m a saver.  And I like it. 

I save all sorts of stuff: bills, papers, pens, money, pictures, letters, articles...  I may not need it in that exact moment, but I will use it eventually, so I keep it.  It could be something mundane like a twist tie.  For real!  I keep some on hand in a kitchen drawer because I use them sporadically.  I just used one to hold together a decorative piece I placed in my living room, in fact.  So, I like to think I’m resourceful, too :)

This is something only my Mom may know.  I’m totally telling on myself!  I keep my class notes.  Maybe it’s the geek in me, but, yes, I’ve used them -- again.  No, not to start a fire.  While in grad school I was taking a class on energy nutrients and we were discussing the different processes that take place in our bodies.  Think Krebs cycle, sodium-potassium pump, Cori cycle, fat metabolism, and so on.  I’d heard all of it before in an undergrad class called Exercise Physiology.  I really liked that class, especially because the professor taught everything in a very clear and understandable way.  Welp, I saved the notes from that class and looked at them for my grad class, which helped me make it through!   Like I said, keeping things comes in handy.

I’ve been cleaning and organizing as of late and have discovered notes, pictures, and all sorts of fun stuff that I’ve kept over the years!  Even though I’m throwing some things away (I’m not a hoarder!) or using it for decoration/display, running across mementos of good times brings joy.  From high school to college days, from events to travels, I’ve pulled up memories that have been filed away with an inch of dust on them and have been good to some that should have gone to the shredder to never be thought of again.  To be fair, 99.9% of things have been wonderful blasts from the past!  Here are some examples:

a letter from my best high school friend that made me laugh then and now

a small note in Francais from my freshman roommate in college (and still good friend) letting me know that she was off to her French exam and that she’d see me later

a sign and decorations and writings from my residents when I was an RA

a letter from my sweet brother saying how much he loved me and wanted me to continue to follow the Lord

a note wishing me a “happy 1^st marathon” from my best friend and running buddy

a painting from a awesome friend(s)

an acronym of my name from my Middle East team

a football ticket from one of the best games – epic win and my Dad went to it with me

It’s nice to look back and see who was in my life and loved me… 

 

Get Organized

Not the way I wanted to spend my Thursday evening, but it needed to be done.  Yep, that’s right.  I organized my stuff. 

My roommates told me I had a lot of things when I was packing to move.  Sure, compared to them.  I did throw a ton of stuff away, though, and the next time I move I plan on only taking the necessities/keepsakes like my kitchen table given to me by my grandparents, my bike, my legit mixer, and my papers and cards that I’ve kept over the years.  Pretty much everything else can go because... 

I’ve been in my duplex since June 1 and still have a box left to go.  I’ve been busy, okay?!  And procrastinating some, too.  I still need to get containers or baskets to properly organize some things, but that’s what the weekend is for… maybe.

In order to keep the things I do, I’ve gotta be organized!  Everything has a place, so everything can be easily found, and I have my own system of how I like things to be.  Doesn’t everyone? 

Being organized helps keep things in order and makes life simpler, for the most part.  It takes time, but it’s worth it.  I like things to be neat and tidy, clean, de-cluttered, and crisp.  No jagged lines.  Straight, simple, and visible.

Complete organization is a work in progress like so, so many things in my life.