Cold Turkey Changes

I'm a black and white, yes or no kind of girl.  I don't like the in between, the ambiguous, or the grey area.  This is especially true if it deals with romance.  However, I realized some other areas in life that I've become lax on recently.  I've let them slip into the space in which I unconsciously label and say, "Well, it's okay to do or not do ______ this time..."  

But it's not. 

You just have to call it like it is.  You gotta call yourself out on your own shortcomings sometimes.  And know,  if someone really cares about you, they will call you out (so you are aware of what needs to change). 

Really, I feel like it's more the Lord's conviction, especially as I am reading His Word.  That is definitely one area that has changed.  I know I should renew my mind with the Bible and I do and I'm still not perfect at it (nor will I ever be!), but it was one of those things I didn't put as a high on the priority list all the time.  Of course, I know I love Jesus and he loves me.  Praise God!  I know I should read my Bible consistently and I try.  Still, I knew I wasn't making it a "must do this every day without excuse" kinda thing like other stuff in life. 

I wasn't getting out of bed, like what?, 10 minutes early so I could be in the Word.  It can be as simple as that, I think.  I finally put my foot down and decided that that needed to change, I needed to change.  I know when I start my day out with God, it is a zillion times better.  Knowing and doing are two different things, of course.  So, I made the decision to make a change in this area and it has been really, really good!

This change is nothing crazy.  I mean, I'm not trying to quit drugs cold turkey or anything super difficult like that.  However, any schedule or behavior change is difficult at first.  I just know that if I hold other people to this standard of change for self improvement or whatever but don't do it myself, I am a hypocrite.  For example, I told my potential world travel buddy that I wanted to start each day with prayer.  It's a practice I already try to do but I would still like to be more intentional right now, to already be practicing what I want to do.  I think this concept of starting something in the present that you want to be doing in the future can be applied to anything.  If you want something, you have to plan for it or schedule time for it or implement things to reach it.  So, if you have a goal but aren't doing anything to reach it, rethink your life.

In a sense, I cold turkey started being way more intentional with my morning time with God.  I know only good things are coming from doing so, and I've already received benefits! 

Another area was my debate of getting an exercise certification and getting into shape with a legit exercise plan.  I know why I haven't gotten the certificate yet and it's kind of some silly reasons, like I want all the hours to count as continuing education and I don't to take the time to study now.  Like I said, kinda lame. For the exercise plan, it was really getting motivation to get back into the gym or to hire a personal trainer.

As I thought more about it, it just makes sense.  I should've gotten the certificate a long time ago, probably right out of college.  It's never too late, right?  Plus, I already work out basically every day so I might as well lead a class and get paid for it, right?!

So, If you haven't guessed yet, I've decided to pursue it.  I'll probably start with a cycling certification and then maybe a group exercise certification.  I'll see where I go from there and what happens! 

The exercise plan worked itself out.  Don't you just love that?!  I met a young lady one of the first days at my job and she has turned into a really good friend!  We go to the gym basically every day together and work out specific muscle groups.  It is great.  We get along well, she challenges me, and I feel like we each get in a good workout.  I will definitely hate to see her go but a good routine and a good friendship has been formed :)

I cold turkey decided to change things up!  I think good things will come from thinking "determination defeats distraction" and just putting my foot down and going for things.  Goals will be reached.

Lastly, I'm making an effort.  This is an overall sort of effort, as I think can be seen from the above examples.  Though, the twist comes with relationships and not getting hurt when others make no effort or giving up on someone when you don't understand. 

Do you ever feel like you do a lot in relationships and the other person doesn't?  I'm the type who will drive 6 hours round-trip to spend about an hour with a friend whom I haven't seen in years.  Yeah, no one has ever done that for me.  And yet, for whatever crazy reason, I will still do it.  

I think you should just love people. I think you should treat others how you want to be treated.

Then I ran into the debacle of being a judger.  Yep, that's right.  I am a hard-core judger (think Myers-brig personality types).  So, I run into problems and overthink things. 

I literally sent this to a friend a while back:

Not everyone will have a conversion story like mine, I get it.  It's still hard for me to meet people who say they believe, have a relationship with God, or whatever phrase is used, but don't live like I think they should (basically, super moral and going to church --outward things you see) or describe their faith with key words like "Jesus is Savior" "I repent(ed) of sins" "I love Jesus" etc.  I wonder if they truly understand the gospel, mainly.  I know God judges and sees the heart.  I also know someone will be known by their fruit.  It's hard not to judge or, on the other hand, to give a chance/grace but not be foolish/fooled. 

Needless to say, we all have our pitfalls and ugliness.  This is one of mine.  And I am trying kinda cold turkey to be gracious yet discerning -- most definitely with the Lord's help.

Overall, quite a bit has changed.  Not only what has already been mentioned, but other things that come to mind would be bed time and not having my phone on me during the day and bed time.  I am a night owl, but I also to get up early.  What. A.  Drag.  Enter the need for an early bed time (as I yawn while writing this).  It is necessary, but the phone is not.  My phone is just a distraction and was a source of slight anxiety, so why let it be?  There's never an emergency and I'll return someone's  message when I can, so not at all necessary to have it 24/7.  Gone and glad.  

Amidst all these positive changes comes a change of mindset, for sure.  This is key.  Likely the key.  However, I believe God is really the one making the changes, whether cold turkey or not, by seeing the changes that need to happen, placing me in a position to change, and allowing me to do so by His grace.  

"Praise God from whom all blessings flow..."

Feeling Poopy

Ever so often I get sick and feel poopy.  It's not that frequent, thankfully, but it stinks. 

For my current illness, I'm fluctuating between needing to poop and feeling as though there's nothing in me to poop.  We've all been there.  Curses!  

I mean, c'mon!  We all know you feel better after you poop or vomit, say, but neither is coming.  It's like one of the few times you're okay with either coming no matter how terrible it may be because afterwards you'll feel a little less poopy.  It's like you're saying or possibly screaming, "Just get out of me!  And let me feel better."  This was my life last night and today, likely due to eating some bad food. 

Along with my pooping dilemma, I'm fluctuating between being hot and cold.  Yes, a fever.  It was at its height last night, and I thought I was okay at different points during the day today. 

However, feeling poopy will play a gotcha game.  Just today, I caught myself saying, "If I'm too sick to go to church then I'm too sick to go hike with my friend."  Boo.  But true. 

I don't remember getting sick that much while growing up, yet I do remember that if you were sick, you weren't doing anything else.  As in, you didn't get to play sick and stay home from school or play sick to get out of something you didn't want to do but then turn around and "feel better" like a miracle had happened so you could do something you did want to do. 

A few other things that also haven't changed when feeling poopy would be the need to rest, which is hard for me, and the need for some love, which is where Mom would sweep in and save the day. 

No Mom today or hardly ever in my adult life, but I know she'd be here if she could.  Now others have taken her place.  Really, it's just nice of others to get me things, offer to do anything for me, or just chill with me.  I'm very appreciative.  

I'm feeling less poopy.  Praise God.  Because another thing about adult life that's poop is the fact that you still have to go to work the next day. 

Long Weekend, Big Reveals

You know how some holidays look seemingly the same?  Thanksgiving has the family gathering at my grandparents, too much food, lots of laughs, and a nice time to catch up on what everyone is doing.  Christmas just adds gift giving.  Fourth of July, though, is always different.  

Last year I was in SD and went to Mount Rushmore on the 4th with my twinny.  The year before that I was chilling in FW with cool kids.  As a kid, my family would watch firework shows from roof buildings or, when really young, shoot our own off at my Uncle's.  My most favorite 4th is hands down the time I was in Washington D.C. with my parents and friends standing in the Mall, watching the fireworks explode overhead so brilliantly and so closely; it was as if you reached up, you could touch them!

Some years are more memorable than others, for sure.  I think this year will be memorable because of the days leading up to the 4th, not the day itself, ironically. 

It ended up being a long weekend (and now a short work week, hallelujah!) due to a "down day" at my current job.  As it would turn out, I would have 3 or so options: I had an invite by a guy I met to do local stuff, I had the kinda last minute idea to go all the way over to Yellowstone/Grand Teton because it's so pretty, or I had the invite to go explore ND with a brand new friend.  All good, fun options!  I would not be bored or alone, yay!

As it turns out, I asked another new friend what he had going on to make small talk, if I remember correctly.  I mentioned my Yellowstone idea since the long weekend gave ample time and didn't know if that would happen again this summer.  He got excited because he had never been but wanted to go.  Decision made.  We were going to Yellowstone!   

Last minute planning ensued.  It was then that my brand new friend swung by my office, introduced herself, and invited me to ND.  I mentioned the current plan of Yellowstone and said she was welcome to join.  She got excited because that was her first idea since she's engaged and wanted to look at venues but found lodging too expensive or already booked.  Decision made.  The three of us were going to Yellowstone!

Although I've never had this happen exactly for travel buddies and we really only knew each other by name in the clinic we share as a work place, we got along swimmingly.  We enjoyed each other and the parks.  We saved money, took turns driving, had no drama, laughed and sang songs, and got to do what we wanted.  It was wonderful. 

I also gleaned some important stuff: 

1) This is life.  Go with it.  You'll love it.

 

It seemed slightly odd at first how the three of us got together.  Then again, it doesn't seem that way at all.  I have my stable friends that I love dearly but they're definitely not all around to do things with nor are they able to join the party.  I know this.  It stinks and I can't do anything about it, but I'm still going to do the things I love!  

Thanks be to God, I have "the best personality" so I'll make friends, no matter how short-lived.  I think this was sorta in the three of ours blood seeing as how we're all military.  Things change all the time!  People move, deploy, get out, retire, etc. so you just gotta enjoy the people you're around while they're around.  So, yeah, go on nice, long weekend adventures with new friends. 

2) Actions speak loudly.  Listen to what you and others are saying. 

I like to be quiet and/or be alone to talk to God, sift through thoughts and feelings, and make decisions.  Hiking is a good time for this.  I was out in the gloriously beautiful, natural surroundings looking at a moose in Moose Ponds (but of course!), running my fingers through tall grasses and flowers as butterflies flitter in the air with grace right in front of me (cue Sound of Music), soaking in the sun's rays at a spectacular point of interest (or really, "inspiration point") after a magnificent waterfall, gleefully trying to feed a tomato to a chipmunk (I know, don't feed the wildlife... I typically don't; he was just too cute!), flabbergastedly observing the vibrant, prismatic colors of the hot springs (So incredible! How did I not see them on my first visit?!), or trying to fully take in the majestic-ness of the mountains looming so elegantly in the not too far off distance (They called for me to climb them someday).  I wanted everything hiking and nature had to offer and got it.  

I also said I wanted to unplug and got it.  However, once I got it, I realized I didn't really, really want it.  My phone was on the fritz and I couldn't do much with it.  Limited communication, for sure.  Ugh.  What if I missed something?!  Come to find out, I didn't.  Haha!  Silly, Jessie.   Service came back and, it's true, if people want to talk to you, they will.  This is what others are saying. 

Furthermore, I wanted clarity on a few personal things and got it.  One being what will come in the future, which I've decided not to be anxious about since A) God is in control, B) what I think will happen more than likely won't and C) I have more important things to do with my present in order to reach my goals.  The second clarification was with dating.  Sometimes I just have to laugh and say wow ...and see where my heart really is!  Although, it's true, the heart is deceitful, so I'm going with my gut.  This is what I'm saying. 

3) Reading helps your soul.  And that heart of yours. 

After reflection outdoors as stated above and after reading my Bible and "You Are a Badass" by Jen Sincero, I knew taking the time for all these things was no mistake and would literally do me wonders.  Being outside and reading my Bible typically have immediate results of a new mindset, restfulness, a calm, an uplifted spirit, guidance, and more.  The brightly covered book I picked up and devoured will prove beneficial now and in time.  

That book pretty much put my butt in gear!  Pun intended with the title ;)  I am so motivated to do stuff!  I mean, I have big goals to reach!!  I'm going to embrace where I am, who I am, and where I want to be.  I know I'm not there right now and there's a lot to change but I'm motivated, I've decided.  

Want to travel the world?  Yes!  I'm going to make money and use it responsibly and as a good tool while sticking to my budget and planning the darn thing!  

Want to make more money?  Yes!  I'm going to explore new and different avenues (more to come) of interest to help my dream come to fruition.

Want to get past your past?  Yes!  Dig through the mess to find the root cause and get rid of it.  My mind will be renewed by Christ.  

Want to get the things you want?  Yes!  Write them down, get a plan of action, pay for professional help, mix with people you want to be like, have a mentor and/or role-model, LOVE YOURSELF, and maybe most importantly MAKE A DECISION to accomplish my goals absolutely no matter what!!

In the end, this 4th of July got me breaking out of the usual and into living life, into what I anticipate being crazy awesome.

Integrity

I scream!  You scream!  We all scream for.....

Integrity!!  Right?  

No??  Why not?

I think we as a society strive for so many great things and characteristics but integrity doesn't always make the list. 

According to the dictionary, integrity is defined as

1) adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

2) The state of being whole, entire, or undiminished.

While listening to a sermon, the pastor said integrity was "consistent truthfulness in all situations."  I like both definitions.  Though, I liked the sermon simply for the reason that for quite some time now I have been trying to pinpoint my thought or word exactly on the issue of inconsistency in people.  All I could think of was there are so many inconsistent people in numerous settings.  Then when he spoke about integrity, I could agree that that was a more appropriate label. 

But what really got me was him saying integrity must be kept up, it is a gift, and people are not overly concerned about losing it. 

For myself, I don't exactly struggle with integrity issues, thankfully.  I'm open and honest (or at least definitely strive hard to be!) and that's a huge part of integrity, in my opinion.  I try hard to make sure my yes is a yes and my no is a no.  I like things to be clear and unambiguous, so might jump the gun on things and not let them play out (but that's another blog post!).  I also don't volunteer information but if you ask me a question, I will honestly answer you.  These are ways I maintain integrity. 

There are several examples from life I could put here.  A couple that come to mind are online dating and a question a guy friend asked.  I think I don't like online dating because you have to assume people are talking to multiple people at once.  Ugh.  First, this goes against my thinking that you should be with one person and/or being honest about who you're talking to.  Second, there's too many choices so some people keep looking and looking and looking for a "better" option, which is a whole other problem (and blog topic).  Third, I'd much, much rather talk to and get to know just one guy, the guy I actually really like, and not waste time on others.  Anyway, this "dating" situation makes me uneasy, though maybe it's me and it just takes time (to get off a site/app, ha!).  Then there was my guy friend who asked my age range for dating.  It went with the conversation at hand so wasn't totally out of the blue, but I hesitated a tiny bit before answering.  I even told him I hardly tell my girlfriends what he wanted to know!  But he asked, so I answered.  No harm done and he's likely forgotten anyway!

So, some situations and questions I've encountered made me feel uneasy or awkward or worse, but stating the need-to-knows and most definitely the TRUTH is always the best choice no matter what.  Yes, no matter what.  

It can be hard, yet this makes or breaks trust, which is the cornerstone of any relationship.  Keeping the other person in my life is what I want, even if I have to become humbled, embarrassed, forgiven for pride, or more to do so. 

I will say that not doing stuff that could or would cause loss of integrity or embarrassment is also very key.  If you don't lie, cheat, backstab or the like, or put yourself in situations where you might, then you're going to do yourself wonders in helping to maintain your integrity.  Put up blocks or check points if you struggle.  Treat others how you want to be treated.  Most important, listen to God and the people you trust.  God does have and those you love should have your best interest at heart. 

Interestingly, integrity actually came up as my number one strength in a fairly recent strengths and weaknesses test.  I wasn't surprised, on the one hand, because I consider myself a moral, honest, and consistent person, but I thought it was lame.  However, I don't really think that anymore, seeing its influence in so much of my day-to-day life by how I view other people and interact with them.  And now, from the sermon, I can understand why people do struggle with keeping theirs.  Though, I am absolutely nowhere near perfect in this area, much less any other!  So, I'm still right there with ya.  As the pastor said, "integrity doesn't require perfection but it does require commitment and consistency."

I've come to grips that some people are consistent in ways I dislike.  For instance, I have a few dear friends who will not text back in a timely manner.  Response time is erratic, typically taking a day.  More times than not, they get back to me but they're consistent on being late, in my opinion.  Ha!  Then there are the friends on the opposite side of the spectrum, which I much more appreciate.  They reply very promptly, typically within minutes.  Of course, I have those who fall in between and then still those who are one and then the other (i.e. very responsive and then fall off the face of the earth).  Honestly, I think doing so is exhausting and being consistent is much less exhausting.

Speaking of being exhausted, it will happen if you've lost integrity.  The pastor stated, "It never crosses your mind that 'if I do this then I will lose fill in the blank.'  No one puts in the blank integrity!  You may say, 'if I say or do this then I'll lose my marriage or my popularity or my whatever' but it's never 'I may lose my integrity.'"  And yet, we do.  Keep it though, and we have an incredible gift to give to others and/or pass on to family. 

To help avoid the bad, know and think on this: 

"Integrity vulnerability is if you overvalue other people's opinions OR if you undervalue the full truth OR if you overestimate what you can control on your own OR if you underestimate the consequences."

Have Faith

"Let your faith be bigger than your fear."

This quote hangs above my new bed and the faith part proved to be a good reminder today because...

It has begun.  The time it takes to unpack.  The time it takes to get settled at a new home and new job.  The time it takes to get to know new people.  

This is the same basically anywhere I go and the amount of time for each varies.  Thankfully, I've been here in SD before so I feel slightly at home and have my bearings.  I've also already done fun things with friends.  So, I'm not too worried about all the above but do want things to pan out quickly.  Ugh.  I can be impatient, for sure. 

I needed the faith reminder because...

It has begun.  The pull to be in OK and TX.  The feeling of being undatable or never finding the right guy.  The questioning thought, "Why am I here?!"

This also isn't entirely new.  It has just been heightened because I want to hug one of my best friends as she mourns the loss of her grandmother, there has been another great guy put on the "not interested" list, I want to say goodbye to a friend before she moves away, and I have high doubts anyone will visit since it hasn't happened in the past. 

The questioning thought is somewhat new, yet I don't seem to know why I'm anywhere I am until after I leave or after I meet a certain person.  I look back and can say, "That's why I was here, that's why God put me here."  Things like learning a life lesson, having a conversation with a patient or coworker about Christ, helping those around me as best I can, displaying Christ to a non-believer, being a friend, gaining forever friends, and so on.

Right now, all I can say is, for whatever reason, I'm supposed to be in SD.  I don't understand and I don't get it now, but I think this because I looked at a lot of jobs all over and applied to several.  This one worked, like all the other jobs I've had, and seemed a good fit.  It just made sense to me so I have some peace, just need renewed faith God knows exactly what's up, He has a plan. 

I recently told a friend the following: 

"Now, even though I may never get to hear your thoughts and feelings about religion/God/beliefs/hangups/etc, I know they're there.  They're there for me, too.  I'll just say that I think spiritually should be simple.  It is about a relationship with God, which is made possible by taking away our sins through the grace extended to us by the perfect sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ.  "For He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul He fills with good things."  Psalm 107:9 

So, I will continue to encourage you to seek the truth now.  You could open the Bible, read books, ask questions, be open, express doubt or unbelief.  God can handle it."

It's true!  I have to take my own advice, especially in light of my present situation. 

I have a faith; I know God cares.  Still, I have hangups and doubts.  Sometimes I don't believe that God is good.  Sometimes I don't believe that God will provide.  Sometimes I don't believe God has plan or, really, that He's going to share the plan with me.  

However, I choose to take things to God and keep doing what I can, to have faith.  Daily. 

Where there is fear of the unknown, have faith. 

Where there is stress, have faith.

Where there is sorrow or disappointment, have faith. 

Where there is hope or a dream, have faith. 

Where there is joy, have faith. 

Where there is peace, have faith. 

Where there is love, have faith.