Fixin' the Flat

I believe my time on the struggle bus has definitely not been the joyride I'd like instead but has shown me quite a lot.  And I'm not off yet. 

It is slightly shameful to say I know my attitude hasn't been perfect throughout the ride, shall we say?  I've had my moments of meltdowns, quasi-screaming matches, and wanting to give up and get out.

I suppose the reason why I don't give up is because God is with me and I know I'll make it through with Him.  Easier said than done, sometimes.  Yet, God has brought me through so many things in life and He's not going to stop now.  I have to keep telling myself that, since I think what you tell yourself is more powerful sometimes, and I think people can just be spouting off stuff and not know truly what you need, but God knows you and, if you are His, He is in you so you can tell yourself Truths and what you actually need.

So, that's one lesson:  people who don't know you will tell you something like "depends on what you make of it" (i.e. a situation out of your control), "don't complain," or whatever sounds good at the moment.  A lot of that is rubbish in my book, these days.  I don't need someone to tell me what they think I want to hear or a simple "don't do ____"; I actually want someone to come in beside me to help, whether that is just simply being there or taking a larger role.  {To those who commented on my last post, thank you. You know me and you were encouraging, despite the distance.  I know you love and care about me! :)}  So, I've learned that I used to be that person who gave blanketed advice.  Not that that's bad all the time but I now realize I don't really want to believe those people when they don't spend the time to actually get to know me, know my story, know where I'm coming from, know where I've been, etc.  I can see a bit more clearly how and why the gospel is more relational and an action than not.

Lesson number two:  life is not perfect and those who believe it is or can be are delusional.  I also once was this type of person.  Sure, I have had my struggles like anyone else, and I have had certain hardships, maybe unlike many others.  Still, I've had really, really awesome experiences unlike others.  To me, most of my life has been pretty dang good.  And it's really not that bad right now!  I just know I strive for perfection and expect it in others, so I get disappointed, frustrated, and mad.  I have to quit striving, which is something I learned 10 years ago.  I thought I put it to rest pretty well then, so I'm hoping this isn't a lesson that pops up every decade... Ha!

Surely it won't, but I'm seeing that life is just not as easy right now, which brings me to lesson number three.  I want things to be easy!  When it was just me, it was.  I made my own decisions, I consulted really only myself and my bank account, and I did what I wanted when I wanted.  Easy.  Throw in another person you're about to marry, a job you don't like but can't get away from, and not having a ton of friends nearby and you get a different result.  It's a new game to maneuver in and some days it does not feel easy.

Life lesson number four:  people do what THEY want to do.  People are so selfish!  Myself included.  These days, I find myself being shocked by this fairly regularly.  Someone once said to me that marriage (or romantic relationships) makes you keenly aware of this sin, and they were right!  Still, it doesn't matter the context or the relation, to me.  I'd like to think I'm not too selfish, defined as lacking consideration for others and concerned chiefly with one's own profit or pleasure, by putting others first more often than not, like 80/20, but it's probably more 60/40 or in some cases straight up 50/50.  Let's be real, some days I am bit by the selfish bug and some days I see it biting others.  I've seen that I can say something multiple times and in multiple ways and get practically nothing in return or at least not something done the same way over the long haul.  I can even sit there listening to them say to my face what I would like to have happen -- of course, in some cases, with my mouth about to drop because they know what I want but still don't do it, ha!  Then again, maybe I don't actuslly want this because I would want it to come from the heart, not just me repeating myself until they do it.  Nonetheless, my theory is that it ultimately comes down to a want.  People are perfectly capable of doing what you ask, like most don't have physical restraints, for instance, but the desire (or the remembering...?) to do what another wants does not always win out.  (Hmm, sounds similar to flesh and Spirit battling.  And the one who wins is the one being fed!)  I can't do anything about someone not putting me first other than try not get my feelings hurt.  So, maybe I'm jaded but people are selfish and do what they want.

They may want to do something once, once a month, or once a year... or completely sporadically.  This brings me to my fifth life lesson:  people are not very consistent.  For someone like myself who strives to be consistent and has even been marked as being "steady," this is hard to swallow.  It's hard for me to understand how one can't keep something going, especially if it's beneficial.  It may be hard but that's to be expected.  If it weren't hard I probably wouldn't do it and it definitely wouldn't be considered a goal ...or rewarding, for that matter.  My mom recently shed some light on this by telling me that my Dad and I have the same trait of deciding to do something and sticking with it.  We are disciplined and, thus I think, consistent.  Boy, I wish people were more like me!  Haha!  If patients would consistently eat right, if significant others more consistently _____, if work was more consistently _____, if get togethers were consistent, etc.  Reminds me that God is the only one who is ever consistent and unchanging, which brings me to the fact I was given a picture where God fills in the gaps when people are inconsistent, when people fall short.  And another obvious picture is the Cross.

Furthermore, while on the struggle bus, I've overcome or at least pinpointed fears.  I have seen characteristics in people I do not want whatsoever in my life to the extreme that I have seen them.  I've seen how much I rely on others to feel loved through what they say and do, which is precarious because they can't love me fully no matter what and it's a lot of pressure on them.  I'm trying to accept differences and things I don't like.  I've re-learned I really like having something to do, specifically something fun to do.  I'm standing up for myself; I'm not letting people walk all over me nor am I trying to always be a people pleaser anymore.  I'm calling people out on their you know what, most of the time tactfully and graciously.  I know I'm not alone, though sometimes it seems that way.  I still make my needs and wants to known, even if I don't see them come about, because I want them to have a chance.  I know I need to laugh.  I'm trying to be a stronger person and am definitely stronger in faith in God.

All that to say, through all the lessons and many other learnings/observances/changes, I know that no matter what happens I'll be okay.  Taking life one step at a time, one day at a time.  Me and God.

Oh So Over It

God wants to change you more than He wants to change your circumstances.  I'm paraphrasing but that's one thing Joyce Meyer has stated.  Whether it's super biblical or not, the context in which she was saying it makes it seem so.

She has also stated that men could avoid a lot of problems if they would just say I love you to their wives everyday, say their wife is beautiful three or four times a week, and say that they are the most important person in their life three to four times a week.  I most definitely agree with that!

Anyway, I'd have to agree on God wanting to take us through things to show us our sin and how we need Him and how we need to change.

Boy, does that stink.  And I'm over it.

Definitely over the past 3 months, I have been struggling.  It's definitely gotten better with a consistent quiet time, yet things still erk me and I still want to change circumstances to what I want.  Also, I want to know why things are unfolding the way they are.  I can fathom some guesses...

Sometimes, though, I get to my wits end and just think that this is just how things are, how they're going to be.  I just have to accept it.  I have my ups and downs.  I have my real angry and frustrated and disappointed spells.  I have my peaceful times, however rare.  I have my "I do not understand this whatsoever" moments.  I have my wide-eyed, bewildered looks.  I have my groans and OMGs.  I have "you are ridiculous!" and "why don't you understand?!" flying out of my mouth.  I definitely have my come-to-Jesus moments.

Those are the hard but great moments.  Because Jesus knows it all and is the only One who can take care of it all.

I've come to realize that my work environment is likely not to change anytime soon and, if any pisitive change comes at all, it will probably be very, very slow.  The fight in me is boiling up and up and I would rather it not turn into flight.  Pretty much everyday is a test, and I mostly fail.  I let little things get to me and rub me the wrong way.  Then there are some big things that I feel helpless over.  Lord, help me.

I've come to realize that my fiance's work schedule is awful and isn't likely to change anytime soon.  I feel lucky to get a phone call for any amount of time because he is so "busy."  I'm also lucky if we happen to get a weekend day off together -- they are a magical unicorn.  Communication is minimal, time together is short (but sweet), sleep for him is lackluster.  Work seems to consume him.

In both these situations, it really doesn't matter what I want because it's not going to happen.  I can say what I want, all I want, about anything under the sun -- I want autonomy at work, I want to be thought of more, I want more communication, I want to make friends and for ones to visit, I want my guy to not be so busy, I want him to have an 8-5 work schedule (or better!), I want my headaches to go away, I want to dance, and the list goes on! -- but I'll most likely not see all these wants.

We're not guaranteed wonderful jobs, schedules, or circumstances at all times.  I get it.  I'm just tired of feeling beat up at every angle.  I kinda feel like Job, on a  lesser scale.

Someone once said, "what baby girl wants, baby girl gets!" alluding to me, but I can tell you, without a doubt, that is not true.  I don't want this.  I don't want a terrible job or a hard and terrible schedule to work around in order to see and talk to someone I love.  I don't want to feel unappreciated or unloved.  I don't want to be angry or resentful.  I don't want it to be so cold outside.  I actually don't want a lot of things right now.

If I would have really truly known how this job was going to be, I would not have taken it.  I can only say that I wish someone had said how terrible military life can be.  You know, something like, "Oh, by the way, you'll rarely see or talk to him.  And I am NOT joking.  Good luck!"

Maybe people did warn me of the military life...  I guess I had this delusion that it would be different for me.  That it would be good.  But now, I'm pretty convinced family and relationships suffer a lot and possibly too much, and they will not succeed if each person does not have a firm foundation in Christ.  Might I just add, pray for all those who sacrifice for our freedom.

So, circumstances aren't changing, just trying to personally change to who God wants.  I suppose I just don't want to change too much and I don't see why I have to change and not the other person.  Maybe, however, it will be more like an Esther story and that I am being and have been prepared for such a time as this.

Time will tell.

I've Got the [Man] Flu

The Urgent Care PA says "good luck" every time I leave.  I feel like what he's really saying is, "Good luck. ...Don't die."

Well, I know I won't die suddenly because of whatever I'm currently fighting but maybe it is speeding up the process...!  I am pretty miserable with a nasty cough, super runny nose, congested everywhere, incessant headache, mild chest pain, ect.  I've gone to urgent care more in the past month then, oh, ever and I'm taking more medicine now than I ever have in my life!

I feel as though I don't complain too much about being sick or not feeling well.  I have my examples.  Though, I would like some sympathy every once in awhile.  And complaining and wanting sympathy have definitely been happening lately!  Those are just the facts.

I have been battling sinus infection after sinus infection and now whatever probable virus that's been passed along to me.  The days have been long and pain-filled on many levels, to say the least.  The unrecognizable voice that's coming out of my mouth is weird and the utterly fuzzy thoughts and speech are highly annoying.  Producing mucus the size of a quarter or dime in the mornings and having a chest pain I've never experienced in my life are astonishing.  I don't remember the last time I've had so many tickles in my throat making me cough or the last time I've consumed such an enormous amount of cough drops.  

The thought just occurred to me that I'm basically one step away from being in my patient's shoes.  Or I am in some of their shoes, just I choose not to go to the hospital for what plagues me, ha!

And yet, the show must go on!  I still have to dress myself, go to bed early, clean my apartment, cook meals for myself (and sometimes the boy gets them too), wake up and go to work, and so on.  Yeah, my boss still accepts me to do my job, my guy still expects me to do stuff for him, and I still expect myself to do things.  Weird.  The world should stop and I should be in my bed.  Duh. 

However, my guy tries to be  nice and do some things for me (pay back for when he was sick, ha!) and I've definitely been better about foregoing things and getting rest.  

There's no real moral to this story.  If you can think of one, lemme know.  

Hmm, maybe it is just avoid getting sick. :P  

Women Really Are From Venus

I just attended one of the best weddings!  Not only did I know both the bride and groom, which is always awesome, but my guy came with me to enjoy the harmonious event.  I have to admit that it was basically the wedding I would want -- lots of love, lots of friends and family, super fun reception, and beautiful ceremony in which the pastor did a great job incorporating the biblical roles of man and wife along with the different types of love and blending it all together with how marriages need Christ, how we all need Christ.

It was special, and I'm very happy for them.  I look forward to my own wedding, whether the groom does or not (Is a man ever interested in a wedding?!) and now have some new vigor for planning and prepping for it!

So, the planning is getting a venue,  guest list, florist, etc. and some of the prepping comes with premarital stuff, which brings me to the sequel,  in a sense, to the "Men Really Are From Mars" post.

I felt compelled to read the book that actually pertained to me.  I also slowed my reading of the other relationship books and started asking my guy questions to get his personal response/needs.  So, yes, I stopped skimming "For Guys Only" (and pestering my guy to read it no matter how beneficial I think it may be -- you can only change myself, right?) and finished reading "For Women Only."

In short, there weren't any majorly new concepts about men I hadn't already known.  However, I did get a few new answers or ways to approach said concepts.

I suppose I think of the fact you should treat others how you want to be treated.  However, it was recently brought to my attention that this might not be a brilliant philosophy, basically because everyone does want to be treated differently (like I might want to be given a hug so give one but the other person receiving that hug may actually want to not be touched).  Anyway, that's not the point of this blog or the book, so moving on...

The book quickly goes into 8 "revelations:"
Men need respect
Men are insecure
Men avoid issues by 'checking out'
Men are providers
Men want more sex
Men are visual
Men are unromantic
Men care about appearance
and gives a small "what that means in practice" statement before delving into each more deeply.  For example, the simple explanation for "men need respect" is that "men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected;" "men want more sex" is that "your desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well being and confidence in all areas of his life;" "men avoid issues..." is that men address issues by first pulling away to process and think -- so they can better talk about them later;" and the statement "men are unromantic" is explained as  "actually most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways than women) and want to be romantic -- but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed."

The book also clearly states the content is not to bash men but to reveal men's wiring, acknowledges that there are exceptions, is not saying how your man should relate to you, etc.  I'd say I feel the book is very much about spouse to spouse relations, not any and all relations, such as co-workers or family.  I also noticed statements that could be true for most anyone, such as "they want to come home to a totally accepting environment, where they can safely let their guard down" (who doesn't want that?! Or search and long for it?) and "if [a man] knows that the person who knows him best believes in him, he is empowered to do better in every area of his life" (wouldn't most people, if this were true?).  Furthermore, the book makes this point which I think is so, so true: "each of us can adapt and do things that are important for our mates, even when they don't come naturally."

This brings up the issue that sometimes I feel it doesn't matter how much I want to try to understand a guy if they don't care to know how I tick, in return.  There won't be mutual understanding without effort and hard work.  Sounds like a two-way street, like a relationship, huh?

I still dove in.  Surely all this study will help.

So, to begin, the biggest thing a man needs -- according to this book and other sources I've gleaned from over the years -- is respect.  "A man deeply needs the woman in his life to respect his knowledge, opinions, and decisions -- what I (the author) would call his judgment."  In respecting his abilities, men want to figure things out for themselves and, if women "help," it equates to distrust.  So, ladies, just let him do it.  Beyond that, I thought what the author said about it being harder to not show disrespect, that this takes more effort, is true.  I do respect my guy but asked about ways he interprets disrespect from me and it was helpful.

Other sections of the book just got me riled up.  And not in a good way.  The part about men basically having a Rolodex of images of women in their mind because "they're visual" is hard to swallow.  First, most women do not have this issue so it's very difficult to fathom for me.  Second, it makes you think about society being so sex driven and how that's actually harmful.  This is sad.  There's a lot more temptation and ads and whatnot bombarding our minds and thoughts.  There is a battle, whether you admit it or not.  Third, I wish men's minds were pure and their thoughts were for their wife alone as it was intended by God, I believe.  Fourth, I can understand to an extent that this is "normal" but in some ways where do excuses stop?  You were looking (or worse) at a lady who isn't your significant other.  The end.  Fess up, ask for forgiveness, and actively do something to not have it happen again or repeatedly.  "Hopefully, the man denies himself that short-term rush in order to honor God, his wife, or his mental purity and thus establish deeper pleasure down the road."  Fifth, the book tries to give encouragement like "this doesn't impact his feelings for you," "it's not because of you," and that you should pray for him (as well as yourself).  Yes, one should pray.

Side note: I've been praying (simply talking to God) a lot more lately about all sorts of life things and it works.

There were some striking things in the book, such as the way a woman chooses to love her man in the way he needs, about dwelling on images and thoughts of other women or dismissing them, a woman's effort in appearance mattering, and how a man's need to provide weighs him down.  "Okay, if you're like me, you probably been viewing your man sexual need as mostly physical -- important, yes, but probably also optional. ... But once you realize that your man is actually saying, 'This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and it's critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,' well... that suddenly puts it in a different category."  Let me tell ya, there have definitely been times when I do not/have not had this point of view about a guy and sex.  Lots could be said here but I'll move onto another fact I found fascinating, which was "although few men can stop an involuntary image from popping up in their heads, and few men can stop themselves from wanting to look, they can (and often do) exercise the discipline to stop themselves from actually doing so.  On the survey, the biggest factor in whether a man made this choice wasn't whether he was older, married, or happy in his relationship.  It was whether he regularly attended religious services."  Wow.  A single positive changing factor on this one issue.  I believe because God addresses your thought life and your purity.  Second to last observation was  supposedly a woman making the effort to look good makes her man feel loved and cared for.  "Consider one husband's honest comment: my wife is trying to slim down right now, and it makes me feel like a million bucks.  I know she's also doing it for herself, but the fact that she cares about how she looks as a total turn-on, if you want to know the truth.  I tell her all the time how much I appreciate the work she's putting into this."  For me, I feel like I already make a big effort in how I look (role reversal??  Ha!), so we'll have to wait to see if it comes true in my relationship (likely after pregnancy and so on).  Finally, "being a provider appears to be at the core of a man's identity as a male and as a person of worth: he feels that to be a man, he needs to be a provider."  Yikes.  That seems a heavy burden and one to become a potential idol so I agree with this: "we should appreciate our mate's drive to work, provide, and succeed as long as they maintain some balance and the home relationships remain strong."

All of the readings have been very interesting.  And at times, I feel like I put some of those "so how do we (as women) respond?" suggestions into practice and they do not work.  Other times, I read a page and then practically scream I want "that" and don't even get it! 

Live, learn, talk, and move on, I guess, but sometimes I think I can know all about a guy from reading but really I'll never truly know because I'm a woman.  Truthfully, I thought once I'd like to think like a guy for just a day to see what it's like!  Wouldn't that be something.

Nonetheless, it's been enlightening to read books and learn, and talk and ask questions with my guy.  I know more will come.  Bless the ears who will listen or get yanked to do so!

I Just Don't Wanna

When was the last time you had to do something you didn't want to do?

If you're anything like me, it was probably just a few hours ago!

I was in my nice warm apartment, had just gotten out of my nice warm shower, and was getting into my nice warm PJs.  Yet I knew I should get out in the cold to take the trash out.

Obviously, I did not want to do it.  It wouldn't take too long but I did not want to be inconvenienced or be taken away from my warmth and comfort.

Sound familiar?  Well, what if I added another layer?  What if, on top of the fact that you didn't want to do some act, you were doing it for someone else? 

Yep, I was taking out the trash for my fiance, so had to trek outside and then drive to the house.

Eventually I was convicted by the verse that you should put others above yourself:  "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭2:3-4‬ ‭

I see a lot of my selfishness these days, likely because I'm in a relationship.  It's not awesome to see the not-so-pretty side of yourself.  But if I didn't, I wouldn't have the need for Jesus to save me from my sins, whether selfishness, pride, unbelief, lack of self control, worry, or the flavor of the day.

I was taking out the trash and being inconvenienced for my guy.  This is not the first time nor will it be the last time.  I pray my attitude will be different next time, though.  I pray I would be more grateful that I get to serve him and do it in joy.

I also thought of the of the fact that vindication comes from God.  Let me add another layer by asking, what if you didn't get the same in return? What if the other person wouldn't be inconvenienced for you?

This may happen.  Just because you do something nice for someone doesn't mean they're going to do something nice in return.  Yet, as Christian, I am called to the above verse, to look to others interests.

True confession that the thought I wouldn't be "paid back" crossed my mind.  I thought, "What if he just takes my inconvenience for granted, my serving him for granted and does not do the same for me?"  Don't get me wrong... He doesn't purposely smite me, ha!  But reality is that his selfishness has happened and it will happen again, just like mine.

However, that is not a reason to not serve another person or to not show them love, especially the love of Christ.  Honestly, I had to pray about my thoughts and my attitude.  I also had to forgive him for the incident that crossed my mind, where I felt slighted, and try to think the best of him.

No one is flawless.  I'm working on mine everyday by and with God's grace.  I'm thankful for His guidance and His mercy, and the Holy Spirit for bringing the not-so-pretty stuff to light  to be purged in order to be more Christ-like. 

It is a process and at times painful, but I'm not alone and it is worth it!