Busy Business

I don't believe I've ever posted about work on this blog. It won't happen often. I like to keep this as a personal blog, not work-related. But in case you didn't know, I am a Registered Dietitian.

I have a lot of nutrition ventures happening right now. I am very excited about it all and thought I'd share. If you choose to engage, that would be awesome.

There are two main reasons that I would even post about this and why I'm so excited. One is that these businesses would allow me to be a stay-at-home mom while still making an income and being a Dietitian. Two professions I love. I'm always wanted to stay home with my kids but did not know how that would look. It seems this may be an answer. The other reason is because I do truly want people to live healthy lives, and I have the knowledge, expertise, and tools to help people do just that.

I believe word of mouth goes a long way, so even if you do not need the services right now, please keep it in mind and share as you see fit.

My newest adventure is an Etsy shop called NutritionRx. I am selling recipe books! These books won't break the bank, and you will not have seen these recipes before, I guarantee it. If you want to give your palette something to talk about or need a unique gift, this is for you. Each recipe is geared to increase nutrient intake, tips and tricks included, a comprehensive nutrition facts label, and beautiful photos. Several books are out, including breakfast, lunch, or dinner with five ingredients or less and prepared in 20 minutes or less; holiday entrees, sides, appetizers, and desserts - individually or a 4-in-1 book; one for your muffin tin, not just baked goods but savory recipes for a meal or snack, too; a book packed with just salads; and a 3 week meal plan filled with recipes, shopping list, prep guide, and more. The plan is to make more books, so keep coming back to the shop! Be sure to scroll down to "more from this shop" from this link. https://www.etsy.com/listing/1359350423/holiday-affair-new-recipes-to-love

I have an online consulting business called Nutrition Prescription LLC. If you can take the out-of-pocket expense and need general nutrition advice, this is the option for you. I provide many different programs, such as no added sugar and mediterranean, while also offering nutrition consults on any topic you desire with many different schedules, such as weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly. All of this is virtual unless you are in my Georgia area and would like the kitchen makeover or a grocery store tour. https://www.nutritionprescriptionllc.com/

Lastly, I have an online nutrition consulting job through Dietitians on Demand. They are a nationwide, reputable company that connects dietitians to facilities in need and has now expanded for individuals to be connected to a dietitian, too. If your insurance allows nutrition counseling and/or you need specific nutrition counseling (like diabetes, renal, or cardiovascular), this is the option for you. There are several packages at different price points to choose from and you will not be pressured for a larger than needed package, I guarantee it. Be sure to ask your insurance about covering Medical Nutrition Therapy (MNT).  https://bit.ly/RDJessie

Talking with a non-fad diet, research-driven, lifestyle changes mentality Dietitian is extremely beneficial and can be as easy as two visits or as involved as over the course of a year. It depends on your needs, desires, and goals.

Don't fall for gimmicks, fads, pills, uncomfortable clothes, or anyone who doesn't have an RD credential behind their name.

The last thing I'll share to testify of potential benefits with Dietitian-lead nutrition services is a short story of a patient I worked with:

After working with a client for 8 months on diabetic management, she met her goals of lowering her A1c, getting off diabetic medications, and losing weight. We met for four sessions weekly then six sessions every other week and the remaining sessions monthly. This patient was able to lower her A1c from an 8% to a consistent 5% during our time together -- it was checked three times and was always at 5% after starting our sessions! The patient adhered to my guidance of making lifestyle changes and kept every appointment. She was taken off diabetic meds and loved everyone noticing her better-looking body after a little weight loss. From our sessions and her hard work between sessions, she not only met her goals but also had all questions answered, increased her energy, grew her knowledge of proper portion sizes, and gained a better understanding of how many carb choices to have per meal and snack, and more. She gratefully shared the steps of her success to all who asked!

Screenshot of Etsy shop

Aunt Jessie

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Typically low stress but all the same great food with family.

This Thanksgiving was pretty special because my whole immediate family was together, and it was by baby girls first! Not only that but I got to be Aunt Jessie for a while, a role I have not played for a very long time.

I also snagged the elusive nap. It was magical.

We met at my brother's house, who lives in Georgia. My grandma Lulu traveled with my parents to be there. Everyone pitched in to bring something or make something. In the midst of crazy work schedules, everyone was able to make the meal and spend the day together!

One of the few traditions my family has kept is to go around the table and say what we are thankful for, as you hold a leaf. The leaf indicates your turn to speak, though little ones definitely spoke out of order, haha! My brother's kids are 6 and 4 and they were both thankful for "baby cousin." :)

Aunt Jessie got to play with her niece and nephew outside, playing games and talking and laughing. Others watched football, played with the dogs, ate too much, sat and relaxed. Everyone held baby cousin. I felt I barely saw her, which was a refreshing break and a nice way to know she is so loved.

I am very blessed and praise God for all He has done. I hope you feel the same.

Napping with my niece.

The Current Worst

Motherhood isn't always rainbows and butterflies. Shocker. 

There's a lot of good, and I'm optimistic, so, I try to focus on those things. However, there is a downside. For me, the top three worst things are... Lack of sleep. Mommy brain. Different body.

I've never been good with lack of sleep, like never. I need 8-10 hours a night to feel normal and rested, I'm not a morning person, and I only remember pulling one all-nighter in all my schooling. I vividly remember my parents asking me all the time over the phone in college, grad school, and even well after that in life about whether or not I was getting enough sleep.

When baby girl was born and nursing, I think I got 2 hours of sleep at a time, max. I've been sleep deprived but this was a scary, new level. Even my husband, who can go with lack of sleep and still function and has had multiple horrible work schedules to mess with sleep, said this was a whole, new kind of exhaustion. And I was exhausted! I feel it got better for my husband a lot faster; I still feel tired most days, ha! 

I know, I know. Sleep when they sleep. Yet, sometimes that's hard to do or not possible.  

One side of me feels like one day it will magically get better but the other side of me synically thinks this is a strange and horrible new norm. 

I'd have to say this takes the cake. Being so tired to function well is no good for anyone.

Not only am I grouchy and short on patience, I'm also somewhat delirious and always hoping to catch some zzz's. Sometimes I'm unable to do what I need to be doing with baby, with work, with the house, with Blue, etc, etc. -- to clarify, unable to do all goals that I have set for myself for the day, not the basics for all involved to survive.

Thankfully, I missed the boat for postpartum depression. I feel for anyone who has had to go through that on top of everything else.

I simply did not and do not feel 100% myself for multiple reasons but lack of sleep was definitely high on the list of reasons. Looking back at July and August, I actually don't know how I got up and functioned except adrenaline, new mom mode, and God's grace.

My exhaustion definitely did not help my memory. I don't think I have that great of a memory anymore anyway but the new "mommy brain" is a trippy rollercoaster, lemme tell ya. I had "pregnancy brain" for just a couple episodes, I would say, but "mommy brain" is for real and most definitely here to stay. My husband will ask me something and I will have absolutely no idea what he is talking about because I don't remember, I didn't hear it, I didn't see it, or a combination of the above. It's kind of demoralizing and slightly worrisome but, by golly, I can hear her faint little cries from a mile away!

A super brief Google search on brain changes during or after pregnancy made it seem like it was a thing. I didn't want to go too far into the rabbit hole, so I'm just going to say that, in my experience, changes are real and evident.

I know hardly any sleep, cloudy thinking, and a very different body may seem obvious, especially to anyone who has had a kid. Still, there's some part of me that never truly understood until I went through it. 

I knew my body would change but now I'm still wondering if it will ever go back to being even a little bit like it was. Please God?! I have tried to get used to the copious amounts of hair loss that should have been collected to form a small wig and the bigger body parts of all the body parts, haha! Except my feet. My feet are still the only thing on my body that has not changed, which I am very thankful for especially since I read feet can change sizes due to the extra weight during pregnancy.

How did my friend say it? My body was hit with by semi truck or a freight train? Yes, just yes. And pushed out a tiny human! So, I need to heal. I'm trying to give myself grace. Hopefully things just take a little time to get back to my "normal." 

And, even if they don't, God blessed us with a baby girl. Worth it.

Nothing can be worse in her eyes! She wanted food 😂 and then took a better photo.

Notice she is sleeping, not me 😉

Nursing

Nursing is a little weird when you think about it too long but very beautiful.

Nursing is a designated time to feed my baby i.e. I sit by myself with a small human next to my chest.  And now that I've been nursing for 4 months, I'm pretty good at it and so is she. 

To be quite honest, I wish I was one of those nursing moms who was productive during that time or bettering oneself by reading a book or something. I'm not. I'm either closing my eyes trying to get sleep because I am exhausted or I'm on my phone looking at email, social media, photos, or whatever. On a rare occasion, I've been absorbed binging a show. But, more often than not, I'm in a very quiet environment which is conducive to thinking, putting pen to paper so to speak, reflecting, and more. It's great. 

Lately, I've been thinking of my Nana who passed a few days ago, thinking about my oldest brother Jordan who passed when I was 17, and thinking about my grandpa who passed almost 2 years ago now; they'll never know Kinsley in earth but I hope they meet in heaven one day. I also reflect on "being a good Mom" and what they would look like and about maybe being a grandparent myself someday.

Side note: I realize I spend way, way too much time on my phone. Never mind the fact that I'm currently speaking into the microphone to "write" this, ha! Another side note is I heard social media takes away your focus and how is that not true?! I am so focused on stuff that I don't need to be, like Facebook and Instagram, and I literally put my phone on a "focus mode" so I don't use them! First, I need to focus on my baby girl. Second, I need to focus on myself -- self-care and my work. Third, I need to focus on the rest of my family. Way more important things than watching all those Facebook videos :/

Back to nursing. I am so grateful that I am breastfeeding and able to do so. We haven't had too many issues after the first week that my milk was not quite in yet and she was not latching super well. After that, it's been pretty smooth sailing using a nipple shield! Praise God!

Baby girl is gaining weight well, communicating her need to feed, and sucking down that milk! I know some people get weird about breastfeeding and get heated about breastfeeding vs formula...  but I really enjoy it and know that baby girl is getting good stuff. That said, I did realize after having her that I am very connected to my choice of breastfeeding and would have been extremely disappointed if it had not been able to.

I had my baby girl and she immediately grabbed onto my breast seconds after being born and seemed to be doing fine, but then my milk wasn't coming in and she was having difficulty latching so we had to use donor milk. Which, by the way, I did not know the hospital had donor milk and I hadn't done a ton of research about it, but I was very thankful in the end that we chose to use it and that it was available. With my extra hormones and emotions and my desire to breastfeed, I was crying and getting anxious about the whole situation when things were going south. The bad thoughts I had didn't come true, in the end, thankfully.

It definitely was in that moment of not being able to feed her myself that I realized my very strong desire was to breastfeed and that I would have had trouble if I had to use formula. I was especially wanting her to at least get the colostrum, which was proving difficult. I knew breastfeeding and formula feeding are both very viable options, but now going through the experience, I would definitely approach someone differently and can more easily relate to someone wanting to breastfeed who might not be able to. Lord willing, I was able to do two of the most major concerns of mine: have a natural birth and be able to breastfeed.

I had several lactation consultants work with me and my baby over several sessions to fully breastfeed as we are today. I even used a life line and texted my Aunt, who is a lactation consultant. I ended up needing and using a nipple shield every feeding. You get used to it and you would not believe how many women tell me they also had to use one, too.

My goal is to breastfeed for at least a year as long as I am able and all goes well. It has been an adjustment but a good one. I have a lot more time sitting, which I'm not entirely used to from the past, but I'm enjoying the time with my baby.

My schedule is her schedule. I'm just the milkmaid, haha! I mean, providing milk at the exact desired moment was my sole job for several months as a full time, no pay gig. It doesn't feel as full-time now...

I'd say I'm an average to an above average employee for this job in most categories. Probably below average in one category: timing. My boss has definitely had meltdowns and ferocious screaming episodes when milk is not delivered at the exact moment wanted, which is usually after a nap with the only signal being a slight stir, 3 hours after the last feed, or when the noise sounding like "nay" comes out of her mouth. I've got about 5 seconds with each of those scenarios to get the baby to the breast before total frustration and meltdown mode ensue. There are just some days that I go 10 seconds and pay for it.

Overall, one of the best jobs I've had. Very rewarding; time to reflect; alone time per se; getting to a better work-life balance with time and practice; getting more sleep; and more good than bad days with a boss I love.

Momma

"Hi! It's Momma!" can be heard a lot in my house because it is my favorite phrase to say to my sweet girl right now :) There's a 95% success rate of getting a smile after saying it.

In fact, one of the best things about being a Mom is seeing my little one recognize me and then smile. It takes a second for recognition to kick in - little eyes searching, little wheels turning - but, then it does, and warmth and happiness flood over us both, I imagine.

The pure joy that spreads across her face is priceless and oh, so precious.

It's fun to watch her wiggle around and know she is learning. It's unique to have inclinations as to what she is thinking and needing when she can't even roll over yet, much less talk. It's neat to watch her grow, going from 5 pounds, 6 ounces to over 12 pounds currently. It's a reward to be able to breastfeed and provide her nutrients (p.s. I have a new found appreciation for my body; from birth to now, my body is incredible. God is so awesome to design me this way!). It's hilarious to see her breastfeed sometimes - pop off, look up, smile, pop back on haha! It's magical to be able to stay home and play with her and listen to all the cooing during the day.

Let's not forget the super cute outfits I get to put her in! Teenie tiny girl clothes are just too adorable.

Another "best" is almost unexplainable. The best thing about being a Mom is literally being a Mom. I just knew the instant she was born I was overjoyed and in love. And I had a new job and role.  

Feeling Real Cruddy

Her face got as red as a poinsettia in an instant. I held her little frame while she was stuck between breaths for what seemed way too long. I was gathering my wits of what possibly to do. Then the biggest white rainbow came right for me from her teenie tiny mouth. 

That was my Friday. Day 1 of my poor, little girl being very sick.

My heart hurts.

Being a mother has been fine and dandy for the majority of my whole 3 months, yet the last few days have been sad and humbling. Sad because I don't like seeing my little one suffer, hearing the wheezing, knowing she's miserable. Humbling because I don't know what to do exactly to help except wrap her in my arms, bounce her, and tell her truths to soothe, like I love you.

I know that's all there is to do. The "nasty upper respiratory infection" will take it's stroll around the body and then vacate. It just takes time.

Still, I'm exhausted and my head and heart are taking a beating. Not to mention all our clothes and linens from the copious amounts of body fluid. Yuck. And let's not forget Blue. He has to howl a loud, obnoxious sympathy almost every time she cries.

Sidenote: Whoever invented the Moby wrap and the frida baby booger sucker should get a raise. Loving those products at the moment.

This is the first sickness of many, I know. She's just so small right now! Heaven help her ... and me.

It's Been Awhile

I looked and saw that my last post was immediately after quitting the most awful job I have ever had. And I mean awful. And that's an understatement. 

I'm not going to rehash the horrible events, especially since workplace PTSD will do that well enough for me. Simply, I had to get away from that place and I am doing much better because I did.

Since my last post, I've done a lot. Can't cram everything in here for the past 2-2.5 years but here are some big highlights: I have had a baby, ventured into a new career field, gotten a new RD job, stayed somewhat sane through covid lockdown, taken some trips, made a best friend, began a new hobby and sold it at craft fairs with said best friend, trained my dog (okay, maybe my husband did but I was there!), repaired my mental and physical health, made several lifelong friends, started my own business, moved from Wyoming to Georgia, and stayed married. So, you know, not a lot. Hahaha!

There were many dark days but God is good and gracious and brought me through them. There were beautiful days, too, and I thank God for them as well.

Currently, I am settling into Georgia with my 3-month-old baby girl, Kinsley. I have two separate, virtual jobs with a company called Dietitians on Demand as well as my own virtual dietitian practice, Nutrition Prescription LLC. My husband is about to take paternity leave, which I am very thankful for and excited for the time that it will allow us to be together without stress or distraction. I also get to spend time with my dog, Blue, all day.

I'm getting the lay of the land and finding things to do in and near the town we live. It is much bigger than where either my husband or I have lived for awhile - the past decade my husband has lived in much less populated Midwest cities, for instance. It is muggy, buggy, and crowded. People are either going 15-20 over the speed limit or 10-15 under, which is dangerous and annoying, respectively. We went to a food truck event and stood in line for 2 hours for food from which I got food poisoning. We've gone on several walks with Blue to different parks, which have been nice. We met a neighbor who has a young child and a new baby, so hopefully something comes of that. Our living situation is bare bones because our belongings will only be delivered once, and we are on the wait list for base housing.

One definitely nice perk is that we are close to my brother and his family. We drove the roughly 2 hour drive last weekend to see them and introduce "baby cousin," who received many exclamations of cuteness. My niece is 4 and wanted to be next to baby cousin all the time; my nephew is 6 and loved having baby cousin hold his finger. It was a special visit :)

I look forward to more posts and hope you do, too.

It's me! I'm waving hello!

Retirement

I quit my job. And I couldn't be more happy!

It is such a relief and huge weight off my shoulders to be out of that extremely toxic environment.  Some already know all the circumstances, so I actually won't regurgitate them all.  Just think of the feeling that you can't do anything right and you by God better not do anything wrong from management, blatent pettiness, inappropriate recording of conversations, and people not talking to you for no reason. And that's not even half of it.

SO!  I'm thoroughly enjoying my "retirement" as a friend put it, haha!  Not working is pretty nice, not gonna lie.

I'm not doing nothing though, as some believe.  I'm in school for a dental program and am liking it.  I'm taking up new hobbies like crafting.  I'm focusing on areas to improve in my life.  I've watched more Facebook videos of talented people than I could have imagined.  I've got a sometimes unruly puppy to take care of as well as a husband, who passes through, to care for, too.  I'm recovering from surgery.  Calling to catch up with people.  Journaling and reading.  So, yeah, I'm keeping busy.

Of course, since I have a little bit more free time then I did, I'm trying to put that to good use.  Obviously through the list above but I've also had to take up the task of going to the grocery store for no other reason than to try and miraculously find products, like toilet paper, disinfectants, and bleach. 

That's right! My time in my house is actually beneficial to keep the Coronavirus at bay and my free time is partially used trying to find things to combat it or at least keep up on things we've run out of at home.  Consequently, I've avoided all the ruckus of being screened and having things be canceled or messed up at work due to the virus epidemic.  I can't say I'm sad about missing that.  Although, I still have to go through the roller coaster ride with my husband with what is his work schedule so I didn't completely get out of the craziness altogether.  Boo.

I do love to travel and that seems to be extremely postponed, so I'll just sit and wait.  I usually do like to get away when I'm not working and when winter will never end.  I actually don't believe in all the big hype about this virus and think it is overblown.  However, I guess I err on the side of caution as advised by staying home a lot, not going out in the masses, not traveling, etc.  Maybe it's more that I'm afraid I'll get stuck being quarantined if I do go somewhere, ha! 

I'm afraid it's only going to get worse before it gets better.  I wish I had a reliable news source for this...  Nonetheless, if God can get me through such a terrible job then He can get me through this virus pandemic.

I'm on the search tomorrow for bleach! Wish me luck.

Poop Alert

My little buddy has been stressed because my husband and I went on a trip and had to kennel him.  We got back to some very loose stools, haha!

Unfortunately, I'm the one left to deal with it.  I thought things were getting better after I gave him some fiber ...and then they weren't.

I woke up this morning to the smell of poop coming through the vents.  I assure you, it was disgusting.  The smell was even worse as I was cleaning it up.

There was another time that there was an explosion of extremely stinky brown stuff.  Thank goodness there was no video recording of me that was saved and sent into America's funniest home videos!  Although, I may have won because my facial expressions and everything I did would have been hysterical to everyone, I believe.  Imagine someone in their front yard with a mat covered in poop and a kennel also covered trying not to vomit but definitely making the faces of gagging while also trying to wave fresh air in the house and under her own nose.  I can laugh now but, boy, that was bad.

I get it all cleaned up and then basically load him up again because I had to feed him.  I had hope because he had been asking to be let out to do his business, so I thought I might be in the clear.  Then he was asking to be let out frantically and, before I could even get off the couch, there was stinky, brown liquid coming onto the carpet by the door out of a uh-oh-don't-look-faced doggie.

I'm not mad at him; he tried.  I just wish he wouldn't do it but, of course, I know he can't help it.  So, I just feel bad for him because he clearly is not feeling 100% well.

Neither am I.  No, I don't have the runs like him.  Haha!  I just started crying.  He wasn't too far away from me but he saw and heard me and whined.  He could definitely tell I was needing some comfort and not doing well. 

He's been going a mile a minute since about 6 o'clock this morning but he's being calm and staying by my side now, when I need him.  Though some days prove frustrating because he is still learning, I am very grateful to have a little buddy.

What Am I Doing?

I am told all the time how well I make salads.  It's the oddest thing to me.  But I am not joking.  I'll go through the salad bar and by the end of it someone next to me is saying "That's a good looking salad!"  Like every time.  Well, where are the (well-paid) salad-making jobs??

A couple other random things would be compliments on my decorating skills and my bow- making skills.  I decided interior decorating was actually not for me but I still have a good eye apparently, and I don't think bow-making alone is a career...

I used to enjoy, and think I was pretty good at, several things: playing the piano, making cards, baking, being a Dietitian, loving God, being a good friend, making good grades, running, being healthy, etc.

Slowly, probably over the last couple of years, my confidence has been chipped away, my emotional and psychological well-being are near empty, and I don't know what I do well.

The cute decorations around my house and my bows for decorations were the last, genuinely sweet compliments I remember. 

I try really hard, probably too hard.  I try and clean the house, I try to look good, I try to make dinner, I try to look good in a ball gown while making dinner, I try to work a full-time job, I try to workout, I try and do things with friends, I try to be a good daughter-in-law, I try to be a good wife, ...  If I had kids or pets, I'd be trying to be the best Mom or the best Mom (some you got that).  In short, I'm striving and it's getting me nowhere but burnt out.

It hit me tonight, though, that just a few short years ago, like three or four, I was so different and so much happier and carefree.  I was not like the person I am today.  I didn't care what people thought.  I had goals and I was going to reach them.  I thought I could make a difference being a Dietitian.  I was positive and didn't complain.  I had a "fun job" and better mental health.

I used to bake a lot and now I hardly do.  I used to write out a zillion goals and now I don't have any.  I used to be positive and now it's really hard to be.  I used to like my job and now I'm crying when I go to work.  I used to not be scared about health issues but now I am almost debilitated by them.  I used to bring joy to others but now I don't know.  I used to have so much going on with things to do and now it's too quiet and still.  I used to do things with friends or at least talk with them and now relationships are strained.

What happened?  What am doing?

I think a huge difference is that my spiritual life has waned and I am not getting needs met.  I'm focusing on problems and not God, like Peter walking on the water ...and then not walking on the water, ha!  I do enjoy trying to equate what I'm going through with  something from the Bible and that story fits!

In some ways, I realize how much I want others to tell me I'm doing a good job and to tell me what I'm good at.  However, I'm getting the opposite from my boss.  There's nothing good enough for my boss and I'll likely never do anything right or well on the job.  The storms of life are really hitting.

I just can't accept it, because I want to do well and I want to do the right thing and I want to excel and I want to like my job and I want these things for my work life...  Heck, I want things to be great in all areas of my life!

My Dad will still say that he's proud of me no matter what and thankfully he has said that because I have him saying it in my head on repeat right now. "You know I'm proud of you" or "You're Mother and I are proud of you" and always ending with I love you. 

Then there's my Mom who says she prays for me everyday and now my husband who tells me to be resilient.

I just need words. And encouragement.

I think of the time I was in Army training school and the head people really did not like me. At all. For no reason.  But thankfully I had people I didn't even know that well come along beside me and tell me they'd help me (and they did) and tell me to ignore the head people because they were wrong, among other choice words.  By the end, the head people put me in a position to fail and fail big in front of everyone.  And yet, God gave me a brilliant idea that eventually helped me win -- I gave everyone a spirit animal.

The bad part of that scenario, of being so broken and sad, has definitely been this past year's theme. It's definitely been too long.

I pray for God's "win" again. Soon.

God and Hunting

There's definitely one thing I never thought I would be doing... hunting.  It was never on my radar, it was never part of my plan.

But we all know what God does to your plan, ha!

As many of you know, my husband is an avid hunter. I think he's very talented and definitely has way too many mounts, antlers, and stories to prove it. 

He has invited me out with him several times, and I join because I enjoy walking in nature and spending time with my guy while doing something he loves (obviously just looking for that "best wife" title).  I decided to give in to his request and get my hunter's license not too long ago.  The course was interesting, in and of itself, and I'm glad I did it.  I gave him my license as part of his birthday present this year and his facial expression of surprise and joy was priceless ❤️

He then bought me a tag for this season, so I anticipate fun, lots of learning, and some time  together.  I also definitely want good elk meat to eat :)  We'll see what happens!

As I was praying about something else one day, I realized the gospel could be likened to hunting.

One way to look at it is life is the land.  In life, there are boundaries and, although you may not like them, they do provide safety and freedom.  That's what boundaries do.  If you go outside those boundaries, however, you are not protected. 

I remember going out with my husband once and basically every antelope we saw was in the area of land where we could not kill them.  Another similar instance was when he saw several deer in one area but he knew they were outside of where his tag allowed him to hunt so he did nothing to the animal. He jokingly said they just instinctively knew where to go where they were safe and we couldn't touch them.  This is true of Christians because we have the Holy Spirit to guide us.  If we, as Christians, listen to the Holy Spirit and stay within God's boundaries for any of life's entanglements such as money, relationships, work, etc then we will be far better protected and actually free.  In addition, if we obey the boundaries, we are far less likely to incur consequences.  God knows better.

Another way to look at it is God is the hunter and you are the animal.  And God knows how to hunt.  God is patient and sometimes brings other believers along for the ride to help get the prize, your salvation or turning back to Him and His ways.  He will track your movements, see your prints and bedding, smell your scent, and see the mess you've left.  He will walk without wearying knowing where you are and call you in by name because He actually wants to save you from your sins and have a relationship with you.  He created you, knows you better than anyone, and loves you more than you will ever know.  You are His.

After God pierces your vital organs, the real work begins.  He cuts you up and hauls out your carcass from the depths of no man's land, perserving the good.  He sometimes asks others to help in this endeavor, too.

God can't wait!  He knows He is going to save your hide by taking out the stinky, gross stuff inside of you.  "Our pain and suffering isn't to hurt us.  It's to save us.  To save us from a life where we are self-reliant, self-satisfied, self-absorbed, and set up for the greatest pain of all... separation from God."

He will then fill you with Himself and His fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control, and more.  You will be given new eyes and a more perfected look; you will look like a different creature -- one influenced and transformed by God.  You will be displayed in the best spot in the house with absolute pride and joy.

To think that a real hunter goes through all of this: preparation, anticipation, work, teamwork, pride and joy, etc.  Then to think how much more God pursues or hunts you ...and with love and grace, not a bow or rifle.  Think how much more joy comes from one of His creations being called in and saved by Him!

I'm pretty positive I'm going to be more excited about hunting now, as I walk in God's beautiful nature scene thinking of Him and his saving me and longing to help me through the process of being made in the image of Christ.

Strengths

The question "What are your strengths?" was posed to me today and I froze.  Honestly, my initial thought was, "Oh my gosh, what do I say in an interview?!" because that's the only time I've really been asked that question.  But I hadn't rehearsed this time, ha!

I ended up saying something about organization and liking a list and being able to check stuff off, and I thinking I can communicate pretty well (but then trying to communicate with my current boss has potentially proven that one wrong).  I don't know, I just muttered through things.

The woman who asked said next, "Can I help you out?  One thing I've noticed already is that I think you're not afraid to say what you need."  And she is right.  To that, I also added, kind of as a piggyback, that I do know what I need because I think I know myself very well.  Furthermore, I said I know I'm smart and I can pretty much do what I set out to do.

She followed this up with the to-be-expected  question of "What do you think your weaknesses or hindrances are?" to which I was very quick to say, "I'm very hard on myself, was and probably still am a perfectionist of sorts" and something else. 

Later, after a slight pity party for myself because I couldn't remember any strengths I have, I thought of some.  I thought about how my Mom always says I'm disciplined and some other stuff.  ...And then I thought, "I'm not really doing any of those currently..."  Hmm.

One thing is that I think strengths = what you're good at.  So, in the past, I thought I was good at baking, running, blogging/writing, taking pictures, card making, decorating, encouraging others, being a Dietitian, dancing, and being positive.

I think I just need to get back to some of these things.  Plus, maybe it'll stop me from wallowing in my weaknesses, haha!

Most importantly though, I realize one strength is knowing who I am in Christ, and no one can take that away despite it being tested.  I think I know myself so well because I actually try -- read books, take quizzes, ask questions, sift through thoughts/feelings -- and because I try to know God. 

Like everyone else on the real faith journey, I'm a work in progress.  So, here's to me getting back to some strengths and seeing God work in my weaknesses and being humbled by it.

Praying

I left the room and let the stench of anger, bitterness, and disbelief stay.  I thought I was done; I had gotten the information from the patient I needed and knew I couldn't change their mind about unfortunate life circumstances and definitely not the unabashed anger against God.

And yet, I was saddened and burdened by the brief life story given to me just moments ago.  I had taken maybe three steps down the hall and was thinking of what I could do.  Pray for them came to mind and then the memory popped up of someone saying at some point in my life that most people don't say no to prayer.

I had the second of doubt and "I don't wanna" attitude flash by, but I turned around and entered the room again and asked if the patient wanted me to pray for them.  They said yes.

This particular scenario has only happened once for me, though I talk about my faith at work in other ways.  For one, I could see similarities between us with the anger,  bitterness, and resentment.  Second, I knew I had the answer, whether they liked it or not, which is to pray and to give it to God.  I told them it is hard, in some ways, and you won't do it perfectly but it does beat the alternative.  It beats being at the end of your rope, being an unpleasant and unhappy person, and ultimately turning away from God.

I've gone through more things in my life in the past one, max of two, years.  And I'll tell you that I have never prayed so much.

I pray for God to change me, because I cannot change others.  I pray along the lines of the serenity prayer (God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference) because, even if it is cliche now, it is very, very true.  I pray for the Lord to forgive me for being angry, and I talk to Him about it.  I pray for others, not that they would change but that God would reveal things to them, too.  I pray for my husband the most, after myself, because, honestly, I haven't felt the need to pray so consistently for one person before -- I love him and want the best for him.

I think that's it.  Throw two opposite people together and then a plethora of not-so-stellar situations or circumstances at one or both of them, and you've got a recipe in need of a lot of prayer, a lot of God in your life.  His design or what?

I know I would be okay if it was just me and God, and if I can share that with others to help them too, so be it.

Right now, it's me, God, and my husband.  And the friends and family I know I can rely on.  I am grateful.

And on a side note, I think I should start praying for our country and our leaders.  The world is changing...

Life Doesn't Stop

My eye is twitching.  Still.  It's been a month.
My shoulders are tense.  Again.  It's been a week.
My rest meter is on zero.  Again.  It's been a day.
My legs ache.  Still.  It's been an hour.

On the up-side!  I don't have a headache at the moment.  Miracle.  I've had them for years.

I think all the symptoms show life doesn't stop. 

From deployment to wedding to civilian work woes and lots in between... life has been pretty non-stop lately.  I mean, all things considered, it's to be expected.  And I think and hope I've weathered the worst of it.  Yet, new fires appear daily and there seems to be something to do all the time.

Taking the good with the bad... More like finding the good in the midst of the not-so-stellar.  One thing that helps is when patient interactions make me laugh.  Even today one got me.  A patient was asked to sign a piece of paper saying that he was spoken to and understood what was said.  In response, he asked if it was for reenlistment.  I laughed out loud.  Yeah, it's a trick; it's really reenlistment.  Haha!

No matter what the day holds, these days, I blink and it's 9:00pm.  I should be getting on my way to bed, but I feel like I have stuff to do and/or need more time to simply relax.  I sit down and don't want to get back up, which has never happened.  I can't imagine what I will actually have to do or how I'll actually feel when I have a pet or kids.  Yikes!

All I can say is I'm definitely not going off of my own  strength.  God is holding my hand or holding me up.

Failure

Do you feel like you fail?  Like all the time?  Maybe even at the simplest task?  I sure do. 

I was late to a meeting for a slightly embarrassing reason.  I got chided immediately and then later as well.  No one bothered to ask why I was late -- Did I trip and fall?  Did I have a breakdown?  Was I helping someone? -- doesn't matter.  Bottom line: wasn't on time so got reprimanded.  Whatever, move on.

I just want to be home, honestly.  I hope I don't reach the point of absolutely not caring.  In some ways, I'm there now but it could be worse...  and at that point I'm afraid I would not care about a lot of things.  I will do what I want, not what I "should" do.  I will treat others like they treat me, such as ignore, assume the worst, not apologize, not ask for answers, not be nice, etc.  Ultimately, I believe I'd shut people out.

People hurt me again and again.  Circumstances don't lend to good stuff or a good attitude as easily anymore.  Still, I press on. 

Life is hard, and it isn't perfect.  And some of us can fake it til we make it, but I'm not one of those people.  I do try... ha!  But one day I really, really tried I was just a worthless zombie crying incessantly.  So, I majorly failed at keeping my cool.

As a Christian, I feel it's my duty to be like Christ but I fail all the time at this, too.  I'm angry, frustrated, and  easily annoyed, at the moment.  I'm not being positive or nice to most.  I'm not being grateful whatsoever. 

I take it out my ugly on people I love, and I'm not proud of it.  I'm about to marry someone in the same boat.  Heaven help us.  Two very flawed people trying to get through the mess, of one another and of life.

We each have battles.  I'd thought we'd wage most together but I don't know.  I know I wish I could be with him now as I assume he is grieving.  I know I wish I several things... In the end, I know I still cling to God and and to the fact my guy says, "I love God and I love you," even if it isn't always conveyed or I don't want to believe it because of what's going on inside me. 

There is a lot going on inside me.  Clearly.  Life is messy but I want to go through it with my guy and God; we both have hang-ups but are willing to take a leap of faith together.  I'm going to continue to work on myself.

Obviously, not every day is doomed, not every person is on my bad list, and not every emotion is legit.  This is just a more difficult life season, and that's okay.  I press on with Christ.

God knows me better than anyone, and He knows what I need to be dependent on Him.  Read that one again.  God knows I'm weak on my own but He makes me strong and enabled.  God knows how to love me best and does so; He is my best friend and lover.  God gives me the power to forgive, to be renewed, to be who He's called me to be.  He also knows what I'm not getting from others and fills the void.


Philippians 3:10-12
[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]

That if possible I may attain to the [spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].

Not that I have now attained [this ideal], or have already been made perfect, but I press on to lay hold of (grasp) and make my own, that for which Christ Jesus (the Messiah) has laid hold of me and made me His own.


Philippians 4:12-13
I know how to be abased and live humbly in straitened circumstances, and I know also how to enjoy plenty and live in abundance. I have learned in any and all circumstances the secret of facing every situation, whether well-fed or going hungry, having a sufficiency and enough to spare or going without and being in want.

I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency].

Assurance

Have you ever taken the love languages quiz or read the book?  I've taken it several times and get the same thing each time.  I'm not surprised and find stuff like that helpful in understanding yourself and others, if they participate.

My greatest ones are words [of affirmation] and quality time.  In case you don't know, the remaining ones are gifts, physical touch, and acts of service.  I have a bit of all, like most, but definitely have my top ones that make me feel loved, important, cared for, special, etc.

My Mom and I were talking one day about how I had received affirmations in different ways all growing up.  Grades were a big one and a long-standing one at that.  Good grades told me I was a good student.   Others would be being told I was a good at sports, a good kid from other parents, the great server, a good worker, a good runner, and a good RA.

Nowadays, I don't have such a direct and consistent way to be told I'm doing a job well done, except by maybe my parents and work reviews at a yearly evaluation.

Maybe that is a natural progression but it stinks.  I see the lack of positive affirmations in all areas of life taking its toll.  It is unfortunately compounded  when being bombarded with feelings of the opposite -- feeling I'm not measuring up or feeling I'm not getting any positive responses at all. 

Sometimes I don't understand why I need assurance and wish I didn't. 

I think the boost, as I call it, eases some anxiety that I'm not doing a good job. It's feedback, whether positive (boost) or negative (something to work on). I don't know if I've ever been in the middle, really, so  wouldn't know what to do with that.  Much less how to get there.

Truly, I believe I swing between the positive and negative poles.  I want to be in the positive because it's positive (duh) and my language but don't receive constistent praise.  I try to give it but that doesn't seem to help.  I go to the negative then because what's left? and there is always room for improvement in my world.

It's not an awesome way to live, flipping between the two.  Who wants to constantly be working on everything that is presumed to be wrong or who wants to be frustrated by not receiving some needed praise?  Both are kinda depressing.

All I've got now to try to break the bad cycle is to give myself God's affirmations of who I am, per advice, and what popped into my head, called contentment.  Here's to cultivating that!  Suggestions appreciated.

Easter 2019

It is "Happy Easter" because it is finished and He is risen!!

As the day approaches, I can't help but think of the following list given by the Chaplain on Palm Sunday:

The first time He came as a lowly carpenter
The next time He will come as a risen conquerer

The first time He came riding on a donkey
The next time He will be riding a white horse

The first time people ridiculed and beat Him
The next time people will bow in His presence

The first time He came weeping
The next time He is coming with a shout

The first time He came to redeem man
The next time He will rule all of mankind

The first time He had no money for taxes
The next time He will own everything

The first time He came alone
The next time He is coming with saints and angels

The first time He was mocked and scorned
The next time His enemies will be under His feet

The first time He had nails in His hands
The next time He holds a sword

The first time He hung on a cross
The next time He will sit on a Throne

The first time He was judged
The next time He will be the Judge

The first time men put Him to death
The next time He will destroy the enemies of God

The first time He came as a man
The next time He will come as God

The first time He was the Lamb
The next time He will be the Lion

The first time He was meek and lowly
The next time He will come in power and glory

The first time He wore a crown of thorns
The next time He will wear a Crown of Crowns

The first time He was called King of the Jews
The next time He will be King of Kings

The first time He came as a lowly Nazarene
The next time He is coming as the Lord of Lords

Praise God and amen!

Special

I remember a time when people would say I'm special.  I think it was because I really tried to do right and make others feel special.

I don't try as hard these days, honestly. 

There's only been one other time I explicitly backed off from doing things, which was after finishing being an RA.  I was burned out.  I would take a lot of time and effort to make and write cards, organize something fun, try to keep in touch with phone calls, etc.  I grew tired of organizing fun things, inviting people, making/preparing food, cleaning, etc for a poor turnout.  I grew tired of others not calling me to see how I was doing.  I grew tired of spending time on others when they didn't spend much time on me.

I would drive hours on end to see a friend and only about two friends have visited me since leaving OK (if you count guys who had crushes).  I spend time and money on flying places for once in a lifetime events and it seems but a few will do the same for me.  I drop everything to help out or chat.  I put relationships first and others do not, period.

I think my reason to not do stuff now is along the same lines.  People don't reciprocate.  People do what they want and put what's important to them first.

I know my obviously faulty thinking is that it's tit for tat, in a positive way.  I do this, they do that ...but along the same lines as what I had done and along the same intensity.  It would be easier if I could just control them.  Hahaha!!  I awkwardly laugh so it doesn't turn to crying because that definitely has not happened every time.  Not at all.  And I don't want to be controlling.

It's not like I did (or do) everything expecting something in return.  In a way, that's a natural response, but maybe I should focus on trying to do more things with no expectations.  It would be a slow and painful process (how to begin?!) but would save headache.  I'd also like to focus on the times people did show, did make me feel special and a priority, and did put relationships first.  Those are some great memories :)

Besides that, I'd like to get back to knowing I'm so loved by God and full of life that I can give without having to receive as I would think fit (or from whom I would think is fit).

Spending time with God lends itself mightily to this last goal of spending time with God, the most important goal. 

Today I texted "don't you feel special?" to someone in jest.  Then read the following verses and thought of all the above.  It's hard to love other people (makes me think of the quote, "love difficult people, you are one of them") but we, as Christians, are called to do so.

Galatians 6:7-10
Do not be deceived and deluded and misled; God will not allow Himself to be sneered at (scorned, disdained, or mocked by mere pretensions or professions, or by His precepts being set aside.) [He inevitably deludes himself who attempts to delude God.] For whatever a man sows, that and that only is what he will reap.

For he who sows to his own flesh (lower nature, sensuality) will from the flesh reap decay and ruin and destruction, but he who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.

And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint.

So then, as occasion and opportunity open up to us, let us do good [morally] to all people [not only being useful or profitable to them, but also doing what is for their spiritual good and advantage]. Be mindful to be a blessing, especially to those of the household of faith [those who belong to God's family with you, the believers].

Needs

The compliments came in a rush.
"You're so charming!"
"I just love your laugh!"
"You definitely don't look your age."

It was nice, not gonna lie.  Moments like that kinda make me think, "God gives you what you need."  And in unexpected ways or through unexpected people.   Another similar incident was having a really good, deep conversation about anything and everything.  It's been awhile since I've had one of those.  It was refreshing.

It's not like I haven't ever gotten a compliment or had a good chat but, more like, sometimes I really need the positive boost, some innocent attention, or deeper thinking.  If I don't get it from a source I'd expect or am used to, well, I suppose these incidences are proof I'll get it somehow, ha!

Then the conversation with all the compliments  turned interesting.  That guy started saying how he had just gotten a divorce after 23 years of marriage and that his new philosophy was to not take anyone's sh*t anymore.  I had that look of shock and not knowing what to say, lemme tell ya.  Basically, he now wants someone with their act together and someone attentive to and willing to meet his needs.  Can't exactly blame him there.  We all want that, I believe!

He complained of not getting affirmation or appreciation from his then wife and how that was wrong.  Again, wasn't sure what to say other than another person won't fill every need, only God can do that.  I can see his point though, because I'd like to receive those things too, among other things, but I don't.  I don't get the things I want or think I need  daily, for instance, and can fall into negative thinking too.  At this point, he decided to call it quits (I'm sure more was going on but simply put...) and all I decided to do about it was pray, get affirmation from God and others (like the nice compliments when they come), be thankful and content with what I have/what happens, make known that I would like my perceived needs to be met, look outside myself in order to give, work on myself (i.e. digging deeper into God), tell myself the truth, and live my life as best as possible.  Obviously, I don't believe it's grounds for divorce; it would just be nice to have those desires realized more often.

That said, one influence on his decision to divorce, I believe, was the fact he alluded to there being a lot of people in the world and one of them surely can meet that need.  To this I say, yes, I believe that to be true.  Even my Dad said, after me complaining about one of my guy interests, that I could stop and try to find someone else more inclined to give me my love languages, words of affirmation and quality time.  Consequently, there surely is at least one person in the world who would give him what he wants, but he didn't chose that type of person to marry (seemingly) and that "special" someone else will have other hurdles to overcome in other areas.  It's what someone once said to me, it's about what you can or are willing to put up with.

Besides, this thinking puts the focus on you and your needs instead of God or His plan.  The point of marriage or any relationship, really, isn't your needs.  Plain and simple.  It's more about how you're  becoming more like Christ and how you're expanding His kingdom together.  I see a bit better why my premarital counselor started with making sure we each had our needs met by God and didn't need the other person, making sure our cups were constantly filled by God so that we could pour into each other and even others.  I also remember hearing how a couple can't look to each other, basically because the other person is as fallible as you.  So then, each person must look to Christ, who is the supplier of all and, more importantly, the common point of focus and goal.

He went on to say marriage shouldn't be THAT hard, and he had married his best friend and stayed in so long because of "love" and his kids.  From the marriage stuff I've heard and listened to, having a marriage that works IS hard work.  You both have to give 100%.  It's hard work ON YOURSELF!  You can only change you with God's help.  It's about you doing the right [biblical] thing every time.  It's about you undergoing these actions:
1) become the right person -- not Hollywood-version of right but God-version of right -- Ephesians 4
2) walk in love -- again not Hollywood-version but God's -- Corinthians 13
3) fix your hope on God and seek to please Him in the relationship
4) when failure occurs, repeat steps 1-3

By-products I would think and hope after those actions would be the purpose of the relationship being above and beyond what you imagined, exponential growth both individually and together, picking your battles wisely, being secure in all life areas -- emotional, physical, financial, mental, etc, weathering life storms better together, treating each other with utmost respect, loving God's way (unconditionally), raising the next generation well, serving each other/family with fervor, etc.  There would be fewer tears and more laughing, less time arguing and more time being excited for the future, and less hurt and unmet needs and greater love, acceptance, and forgiveness.

No doubt that guy had personal issues and his wife, too.  I only heard his side, of course.  It was sad.  My shallow take is she became a burden to him, they closed each other off, and then there was a slow unraveling.  Love is a choice, you know?  Working on yourself is too.

Now then, do I think God wants anyone's life to be miserable, like he was saying his life had turned?  Absolutely not!  So, this is definitely where God steps in.  I believe anything is possible with God.  He can change someone in no time at all, if He wanted.  He can change your relationships.  He can change attitudes, perspectives, circumstances, and more.  He can change you, and I think that is what He is most interested in doing.

Public Apology

Well, "you reap what you sow" is true.

I had a hurtful situation go down and thought about it.  In doing so, I realized I do the same thing to my Mom a lot.

Sometimes when I talk to her on the phone, I try and do more than one thing (i.e. multitask).  Sometimes it is just fine but a lot of the time I have to stop what I'm doing and give my full attention to the conversation, what I am saying and what she saying.

When I get super distracted and can't form a sentence, she gets frustrated and hurt.  She usually says something or hangs up asking me to call after I finish what I'm doing.  I used to get frustrated with this because I thought she was being a little on the ridiculous side but, now that it happens to me often, I see where she is coming from and agree.

Honestly, now, I don't care if I think I can do multiple things at once.  Bottom line: it is rude and disrespectful not to give someone your full attention.

How would you like it if someone couldn't give you even 10 minutes of their undivided attention when you need it and expect it, and possibly have a time crunch to get it?

That, on top of the fact that I say I love my Mom and she is in fact important to me.

Yeah, I'm not exactly showing that in a way she will believe.

I'm sorry, Mom. I'm working on myself.